The Heroes Parody Project
Chapter 1: Over The Edge
Disclaimer: 'Heroes', characters, events, uh….powers I guess, and everything else is copyright 'NBC' and stuff. Any other things were made up, any similarities from any characters, events, locations, uh….powers…..and anything else is purely coincidental. No Kryptonite was harmed in the filming of this episode….though Superman was. Disclaimer Over!
Mohinder: What is life?...Why are we here?...Why do we dream?...Is this our purpose?...Every day we live life not knowing what it's all for. But we don't take time to think about our reasons for being…..we just 'live'…….that's why we've been put here, right?...If that's the case, tell me……..Why 'are' we here?...What is the meaning of it all?...
Guy: Hey, do you mind? I'm trying to eat my lunch here. I can't concentrate with you blabbing on about philosophical crap. Who are you talking to anyway?
Mohinder (sitting next to some guy at Wendy's): I'm not bothering anybody. Go back to eating your sandwich.
Guy: Hmph!
Mohinder: What is the meaning of life?...What is the meaning of love?...Why are we so determined to answer life's many mysteries…..when we our mysterious ourselves…….
Guy: Seriously! Dude, I really want to finish my lunch!
Mohinder: You know what? You are being extremely rude! Me and my sexy voice are trying to finish one of my universal monologues which are crucial to the plot! And you are just…..ruining everything! Good day to you sir!
Mohinder gets up and walks off, he then returns to the table.
Mohinder: You know what? I'm not going to let you finish your french fries!
Guy: But I just had them 'Biggie Sized!'
Mohinder: Good!
He swipes them and storms out.
Guy: Man…..what a jerk!
Peter Petrelli stands on the edge of a rooftop, looking to the ground below. Upset that he completely forgot his powers.
Peter: I have to get my powers back somehow, and save the world. Since that's what I do best. And the best way for me to accomplish this is by starting from scratch on this very rooftop.
Guy (standing next to Peter): Who the hell are you talking to?! I just met some whack-job at Wendy's who talked to himself too! Is everyone in this city crazy?
Peter: Okay, take a deep breath; you can do this Peter…..
Michael Jackson hops from out of nowhere.
Michael (wearing 'Peter Pan' outfit): Yes you can, Peter! All you have to do is believe…….BELIEVE!
Peter: Shut up! I can do this myself!
He shoves Michael Jackson off the roof of the building. He goes hurling to the ground, shattering into a million pieces.
Peter: Ooooh. That looked like it hurt. I hope I can pull this off.
Peter takes a deep breath and steps off the ledge………….SPLAT!
---As the world turns………Heroes!---
Claire
Bennet
Age: Teenage-ish
New York City, New York
Current
Favorite Band: The White Stripes
Claire walks out of her school and is on her way home, she passes an apartment building with this week's chapter on the side:
CHAPTER 1: OVER THE EDGE
Old Man (yelling out the window): Muriel!...Muriel!...Those damn kids put graffiti on the building again!
Claire is practically skipping home from school; everything is going pretty well for her. Right up to the point where she skips into oncoming traffic and comes head on with a bus. WHAP!
Bus Driver: Oh my god! I just killed that cheerleader! I'm always doing that!
The driver jumps out of the bus and runs to Claire's twisted, bloody body in the middle of the intersection.
Bus Driver: Girl! Are you okay!
Claire (getting up): Yeah…….uuuugh……I'm fine, just a scratch!
She pops her arm into place; the bus driver looks as if he's going to lose his lunch.
Claire: No worries. Gotta run!
Claire continues to skip away.
Bus Driver: Man, I'm going to get it now….
The bus driver sadly walks on the bus and resets his 'Days gone without running over Cheerleaders' counter back to '0'. He drives off. Claire continues to skip home, stopping at the community bulletin board on her way.
Claire: Hmm….What's this I wonder…
She grabs a flyer which reads 'Young Superstar Contest! Exploit your young child for money and fame! First Prize: $20,000!...maybe…..
Claire: Wow! This sounds like fun. I'm sure my dad won't have a problem with it. He'll love the idea!
At the Bennet Residence.
Noah Bennet: That doesn't sound like fun. I have a problem with it. I hate the idea!
Sandra Bennet (Claire's mom): But Noah, we have to get Mr. Muggles to the massage parlor! Can't you see he's clearly stressed!?
Noah: Uh……no, not really. Anyway, back to Claire's request: No, I have a problem with it. I hate the idea!
Claire: Oh, please dad? This is all I ever wanted in life!
Noah: Really? Is that so? You said the same thing about Cheerleading, Tennis, Badminton, and Chess……and don't even get me started on chess!
-FLASHBACK-
Chucky: Okay, Claire. I'm moving my Queen over here……and Checkmate! I win!
Audience Member (screams): Oh my god! That girl swallowed a Bishop Piece!
Claire was sprawled on the floor, her eyes rolled in the back of her head as she was choking to death.
-END FLASHBACK-
Noah: It took five hours to remove that piece. How nobody got suspicious was nothing short of a miracle.
Claire: That was just a fluke. But anyway, please dad? I really, really want this!
Noah: I'll have to think about it….
Claire: Really!?
Noah: No.
Claire: 'No' as in I can't do it; or 'No' as in you won't think about it?
Noah: Both.
Claire: But how can you say 'No' to me doing it when you won't think about it?
Noah: I'll think about it.
Claire: And?
Noah: No.
Claire: 'No'…..meaning?
Noah: You can't do it, period!
Claire scoffs and storms up to her room.
Peter and Nathan
Petrelli
Some Hospital in New York City
Peter could go for a
hamburger
Nathan isn't very hungry
Peter opens his eyes; he is in a hospital bed.
Peter: Where…..Where am I?
Nathan (flipping though a magazine): You're in the hospital; you almost killed yourself again when you jumped off that stupid building!
Peter: Well, Nathan. I forgot my powers; I have to get them back! The world is at stake!
Nathan: You know mom isn't going to buy that!
And with that, their mother, Angela Petrelli, comes storming down the hallway followed by Storm Troopers. With the 'Star Wars Imperial March' theme playing, respectively.
Doctor: Where the hell is that music coming from?
Nurse: I don't know, doctor. It's freaking the patients out!
The door to Peter's room flies open, Angela enters.
Angela (to Storm Troopers): Will you people stop following me!?
She shoves them out and slams the door.
Angela: Peter……Peter, Peter, Peter………How could you do this?
Peter: Do what?
Angela: Try to kill yourself again. I find it to be very rude!
Peter: I wasn't trying to….
Angela: And with everything the way it is now. So many problems with the world. You would do something like this….
Peter: I wasn't trying to kill myself. And besides, like it would matter because I do have the power to regenerate.
Angela: You 'did' have that power. But until you get it back, you're just another person.
Peter: -Sigh-
Angela (sitting at his bedside): Peter, you know I love you. In fact I've told you many times I like you better than your brother…..oh, hello Nathan, I didn't see you there!
Nathan: Oh, thanks!
Angela: But it is important that you get your powers back, but don't do it by jumping off buildings!
Peter: I'm going to do whatever it takes…..and you can't stop me.
Angela: Well, if you're going to be like that you have left me no choice……I'm going to ground you!
Peter: WHAT?!
Angela: And if you smart off to me again, I'll take away your videogames!
Peter: Not that!
Nathan rolls his eyes.
At the Bennet House, Noah and Sandra were sitting on the couch. Claire walks in with some man.
Noah: Uh…..
Sandra: Oh, hello Claire. Who is your much older friend?
Claire: This is Tom; he's a part of the Talent Agency.
Noah: Here we go…..
Sandra: What is this about?
Claire: Tom saw me walking down the street and offered me a gig as a spokes model for Prissy Girl Razors…….
Tom: Yes. We'll have Claire dress up as a cheerleader in the commercial, that way we can use this tagline…..Shave The Cheerleader…..Shave The World……..with Prissy Girl Razors!
Noah: That sounds completely inappropriate.
Mohinder Suresh,
Matt Parkman, and The Travelocity Roaming Gnome…..Oh wait,
it's just Molly Walker.
Apartment Complex
Afternoon-ish
The three of them are standing outside their new home, a different apartment complex.
Mohinder: This is wonderful! This new apartment will be great place to conduct some of my research! Oh, and my voice monologues! It will be extraordinary…..oh, how I love that word…..extraordinary….and how it sounds coming from my sexy voice!
Matt: I don't know, Mohinder. Do you think it will be a good place to raise Molly?
Mohinder: I don't see why not…..(He takes out a pamphlet)…The schools are nice, there's a park around the corner…….hmm, there's an insane asylum…..that doesn't sound safe. Oh well, I'm sure it's nothing.
Molly tugs on Parkman's coat. She cannot speak because somehow her mouth got glued shut.
Matt: What is it Molly?
Molly: Mmmm, mmmrrr, mmmmmnrmmmnr!
Matt: What? I don't understand you! Oh, how I wish I knew what you wanted!
Mohinder: Did you forget that you can read minds, you doofus!?
Matt: Oh, right. Heh, heh……
Matt squints at Molly, locked in full concentration.
Molly (thought): I need to go to the bathroom!
Matt: YES! She needs to use the restroom! See, I'm a good father. I don't care what Dr. Phil says. Though I have no idea how your mouth got glued shut.
Molly (though): It was from that sandwich!
Matt: Sandwich?
-FLASHBACK: YESTERDAY AFTERNOON-
Matt: Molly! Lunch is ready!
Matt is making her a turkey sandwich.
Matt: Okay, where is the mayonnaise?
Matt reaches across the counter and accidentally grabs a bottle of Elmer's Glue, which for some stupid reason was placed right next to the jar of Miracle Whip.
Matt: I just love how mayonnaise comes in these easy to squeeze containers!
He squirts glue all over the bread, spreading it out with a knife.
Matt: Excellent! See, I'm a good cook, I don't care what Emeril Lagassee says. Molly, your lunch is ready!
Molly runs out of her room and sits at the table, taking a giant bite of her Glue Sandwich. CHOMP!
-END FLASHBACK-
Matt: Uh…..
Mohinder: So, did you figure out how she did that to herself?
Matt: UH……Nope! Not a clue……..-Whistles suspiciously-……
The Bennet
Family
The Bennet House
Eating Bennet Food
Claire is eating dinner at the table, sitting across from Noah. Sandra made Shake and Bake, and Lyle didn't help because that would not be cool.
Sandra: So, how was everybody's day today?
Noah: Good. It's nice to be living normal lives….with my normal family.
Sandra: Yes. And how was your day Mr. Muggles? (High pitched voice) It was wonderful Mrs. Bennet! I just love what you've done with your hair!
Noah: Uh…..sort of…..
Claire: I'm going to be a spokes model!
Sandra: Oh, that's wonderful, Claire!
Noah: No, she's not. I told her 'no' already….
Sandra (disappointed): Oh Claire, how could you?
Claire: It's something I want to do….dad!
Sandra: Oh, I'm so proud of you, Claire!
Noah: I forbid it…..Claire Bear!
Sandra: Claire, you're grounded for the next 20 years. Go to your room!
Claire: I'm not a child…..dad! I can make my own decisions!
Sandra: Oh, that's our girl! She's growing up so fast!
Noah: You're still a kid. And while you're living under our roof, you will abide by our rules!
Sandra: Uh…..who am I rooting for again?
Lyle: Can somebody please pass me the potatoes?
Claire: That is it! I have had enough!
Noah: Is that so?
Claire: This ends tonight!
Claire and Noah hop up out of their chairs, throwing the table out of the way. Food goes flying everywhere.
Sandra: AHH! My Shake and Bake!
The father and daughter pull out their Light Sabers.
Lyle sits in his chair, his fork inches from his mouth while Claire and Noah clash their weapons in an epic battle! Claire snaps out of her daydream……
Claire: Man, that was weird………Where was I?
Noah: Your mother was talking about her wonderful day with Mr. Muggles while I was destroying all your hopes and dreams of making something of your life.
Claire: Well……dad…….I won't have it! THIS ENDS TONIGHT!
Claire and Noah knock over the table again, drawing out their Light Sabers.
Sandra: AHHH! My Shake and Bake!
Lyle: I'm never going to get any potatoes…..
Peter and Nathan walk out of the Hospital.
Nathan (putting on his coat): So Pete, are you going to get some rest now?
Peter: Sure.
Nathan: I'm sure you'll get your powers back soon. But don't kill yourself doing it, okay?
Peter: I know. Trust me, brother, I will never do something as stupid as that…..ever again……
10 Minutes Later.
Peter (back on the rooftop): Okay……let's try this again.
He pulls out a video camera.
Peter (talking into the camera): My name is Peter Petrelli…..and this is attempt number 6.
Peter sets the camera down as he looks down to the ground below. He takes a deep breath.
Peter: Whew…..okay, here we go…..I'm going to do it……I'm going to fly…….
Peter steps off the ledge………….SPLAT!
Mohinder walks into the living room of the new apartment. Matt is making lunch.
Mohinder: Oooh, that sandwich looks delicious.
Matt: I know, Molly is going to love this one…..
Mohinder: Did you go to the store? You know we don't have any mayonnaise.
Matt: Yeah we do, I just used it……oh wait……crap!
He throws the sandwich away in the trash.
Mohinder: Anyway, I have to get ready for my trip!
Matt: You're going on a trip!?
Mohinder: Yes. I have more research to do. There are so many people out there with extraordinary abilities…….extraordinary…….extra….ordinary……..God, I love my sexy voice. Extraordinary…
Matt (snapping his fingers): Hey, focus!
Mohinder: Oh, right…..Well, I'll be leaving today.
Matt: But!...But, what am I supposed to do with Molly!?
Mohinder: Oh gee, I don't know…..Take…..care of her……just a thought.
Matt: But, what about what Dr. Phil said, I not very good around children!
Mohinder: You're just being paranoid….
Molly sits at the table opening up her can of Root Beer which Matt accidentally dropped 45 times before serving it to her. The can explodes in her face, sending her flying across the room. CRASH!
Matt: Uh…..
Mohinder (not paying attention): Well, if you're that nervous, I guess you two can come with me. It'll be fun……and I can practice my sexy voice monologues…….
Matt (Groaning): Oh boy……
Back at the Bennet House, Noah knocks on Claire's bedroom door.
Claire: Come in.
Noah walks in; he sits on the edge of her bed as she is reading a book. Claire starts to slowly reach for her weapon.
Noah: So……you really want to do this don't you?
Claire: Yes.
Noah: -Sigh-…..well, I talked it over with your mother…..who is still pretty upset over dinner, but we do trust you……and just as long as you're careful, you can go to your model tryout thing.
Claire: Really?
He nods.
Claire smiles, hopping up to hug him.
Claire: Thank you, thank you, thank you! I'll be very careful.
Noah: I know…..
Claire: I'm going to get ready for my audition, yay!
She is giddy, she runs out of her room. Noah's cell phone rings with the Green Acres theme song. It's The Haitian.
Noah (on the phone): What did you find out?
Haitian: I found some more of Isaac Mendez's paintings….
Noah: More of them? How many did that guy make?
Haitian: You need to see this….you won't like it.
Noah: I see…….Where can I meet you.
Haitian: At 555 Portland Avenue. They are stored away in this warehouse.
Noah: 555 Portland Avenue?...I'm at 553 Portland Avenue!
Noah looks out the window to see The Haitian waving to him through the window. Noah rolls his eyes.
Noah: Ooookay……I'll be there shortly.
Haitian: What will you tell your family?
Noah: Oh don't worry…….I have a few tricks up my sleeve. Just like last time….
-A FEW WEEKS AGO-
Lyle walks into the kitchen to see Mohinder wearing a business suit and a pair of Horned Rimmed Glasses.
Mohinder: Oh, hello there Claire Bear. Be sure to eat your breakfast this morning.
Lyle: Uh…..I'm Lyle…..dad…..?
Mohinder: Wonderful, be sure to take your sister along with you.
He hands Lyle Mr. Muggles.
Lyle: Dad, this is Mr. Muggles….
Mohinder: Run along now, you'll be late for Cheerleading Practice.
Lyle: UGH!
He storms off.
-END FLASHBACK-
Noah: Just like that…..
Haitian: I'm sorry, I wasn't paying attention….
Noah: Hmm…….
Mohinder: We all have our breaking points……..We all have a limit that will be reached……There comes a time where we just have to do…..what we were meant to do….
Claire (at her audition): And if you're a Prissy Girl like me, you'll want to get Prissy Girl brand razors. Shave The Cheerleader……Shave The World……oh crap, I just cut myself…..
Director: Geez, get the Nurse!
Nurse (walking up): Hey, what happened to your cut?
Claire: Uh…..I'm a fast healer…..uh…..but not in a way that might seem too fast…..you know…..faster than……any normal person should be….I'm not that!
Nurse: Way too suspicious…
Director: Take 57! –Sigh-……
Nathan signs the papers to check Peter out of the hospital again; he ends up back on the roof.
Mohinder: And sometimes those things we were meant to do…….were meant to be extraordinary……to do extraordinary things…..
Mohinder is recording his monologue on the airplane; Matt is smothering himself with his pillow.
Mohinder: There are times we need to just let go……and take that giant step over the edge…….
Peter: I'm going to do it this time……
Nathan: You do realize your health insurance is going to drop you like a rock with all your hospital trips…..
Peter: Here I go…..
He walks off the edge, Nathan waits………….Peter's body flies upward and lands on the roof of the next building.
Peter: HA! I did it……I actually did it! In your face!
A bird flies into the back of Peter's head; he loses balance and falls to the ground……SPLAT!
Nathan (on his cell phone): Hello, Doctor? It's Nathan Petrelli……yeah get Peter's room ready; we'll be back shortly…….
Back at the Bennet House, the family has gathered to watch Claire's commercial.
Sandra: How did you do?
Claire: Good…..I think.
Claire (On TV): With 7 blades, Prissy Girl Razors will give you the closest shave a girl could ever want. Just watch……
The family watches in horror as Claire accidentally slices herself again, blood spurts everywhere.
Lyle: Whoa, cool…..
Noah: They actually showed this on television!?
Claire: It was the best one out of 96 takes, the director ran away screaming.
Noah: Did you 'hurt' yourself on every take.
Claire: Yeah, good thing nobody asked any questions.
Noah buries his face in his hands……
Somewhere else, in a laboratory, Sylar wakes up and looks around.
Sylar: Wh….Where am I?
Scientist: You are safe…..
Sylar: I'm hooked up to stuff…..what are you doing to me?
Scientist: Nothing, just experimenting…..relax…..
Sylar waves his arm in an attempt to telekinetically throw her across the room…..but failed.
Sylar: What is this?...I don't have my powers?!...I worked really hard to get those….
Scientist: Just relax; we'll be done with the testing momentarily.
Sylar glances at what the scientist is doing. She reaches her hand out, a pen rolls across the desk and she grabs it. This grabs Sylar's attention. She reaches for a clipboard, which slides across the table to her hands. Sylar grins and slides off the table.
Scientist: What are you doing!?
Sylar: You have power…..
Scientist: What are you talking about?
Sylar: You are a shiny new toy……that will be all mine….
He swipes the Rubik's Cube from her hands and plays with it.
Sylar: God, I hate these things.
He throws it to the side.
Sylar: Back to business. I want that power!
He points his finger in an attempt to make a telekinetic incision in her head….which doesn't work, of course.
Sylar: Oh, that's right….I can't do that either…..
He grabs a knife…..
Scientist: Get away with that knife. I just had brain surgery and the top of my head can pop off very easily….
Sylar: Oh….well, good for me, then!
A little later….
Sylar finishes with the Scientist; he waves his arm which blows the door off its hinges.
Sylar: Hmm….it's a start…..
He grabs a jacket and walks out of the complex.
To be continued…….
NEXT MONDAY: HEROES CONTINUES…….
Hiro Nakamura (Japanese Subtitles): We have a mission to go on; we must…..save the world.
Ando Masahashi (Sub): Oh boy, here we go again…..
-Claire still tries to find her purpose-
Announcer: Clare Bennet, come on down! You're the next contestant on 'The Price Is Right'!
Claire: YAY!
Claire is standing next to the giant wheel.
Bob Barker: Now Claire, spin the wheel so you can participate in the Showcase Showdown.
Claire: Will do!
She spins the wheel as hard as she can; one of the pegs sticking out latches onto her sweater, pulling her underneath the wheel. The audience screams as her body gets mangled.
Claire: I'm okay everybody, just need to……Bob, can you grab my left shoulder and pull as hard as you can?
Noah and The Haitian are sitting in the audience.
Noah: Hundreds of People just witnessed that!
Haitian: You're going to make me erase all their minds, aren't you?
Noah: Did you have to ask?
Haitian: -Groan-
-Will Mohinder's research be successful?-
Mohinder: Did you lose the map?
Matt: We had a map!?
Mohinder: Ugh…..This is just great; we're lost in the jungle……
Matt: Hmm….Molly, do you have a map?
Matt turns around as Molly gets picked up and carried away by a Bald Eagle.
Molly: EEEE!
Matt: Uh oh…..
Mohinder (turning around) Where's Molly?
Matt: She…….went……uh……
-And what is the mystery behind the paintings?-
Noah: Open it up.
The Haitian opens up a crate with a few of Isaac's painting in it.
Noah: Perfect, let's see what the future holds.
Noah grabs a hold of one and holds up a portrait…..of Noah holding up a portrait….of Noah holding up a portrait…..of Noah holding up a portrait……
Noah: Oh, come on! He didn't even try on that one!
-HEROES CONTINUES, NEXT WEEK-
