This is the revised first chapter to my first story, 'Why Have You Waited to Embrace Me'. Made some changes, reworked the layout, added a bit of detail; over all story should remain the same unless I decide otherwise for some reason.
Hope you all enjoy the changes people
Doubts.
That was all his mind was filled with at the moment, as it had been for weeks on end, near months now in fact. Doubt after doubt after doubt. Doubts about people, about himself, about what they thought of him, and about the relationships he found himself in. But, more than anything else, they were doubts about his so called romance, and the person he had fallen in love with, and who supposedly felt the same. He doubted the simple validity of his so called romance, and now partner. Every intention, every promise, every whispered word translated to a lie or a simple attempt at placating him. His faith had evaporated, and been replaced by the sensation of being generally worthless and unnecessary in this man's life. Yet, he loved him; undeniably, unquestioningly.
He couldn't figure it out, couldn't understand the logic or thought to any of it; was it just the fact that he couldn't see the individual who captured his heart and his soul, or the fact that said individual appeared so distant and so damn uncaring that generated these seething doubts. These vicious, roiling emotions that ate away at any good mood and any possibility of future happiness; leaving him a broken heap of misery and despair. Because, in his mind, any future was tied up with the presence and partnership of one individual, one former rival turned friend, turned lover. He felt as if their very souls were intertwined, dependant on one another for any form of simple happiness or satisfaction. They were bound in a constant dance of romance, conflict, and passion.
"He doesn't love me"
"He doesn't mean any of the things he said"
"He's got his work, he doesn't need me"
"I can't trust him to put the effort in"
"I don't matter"
Thoughts like this had been imbedded in young Ash Ketchum's mind for months now. Thoughts that taunted him for his own stupidity, thoughts that insisted that no one really cared about him, that told him how pathetic it was to be so entranced by this one individual who never seemed to give him the time of day. Sometimes, he felt as if they may as well have never even embarked on this 'adventure'; what's the point of a relationship when you don't see each other, and barely talk?
The end result being that nearly every night, he found himself lying on his bed, faced buried in his pillow, crying himself into a state of exhaustion. Some days were spend with the desire to break down just hovering below the surface, so close to breaking through the smiling facade that it took every ounce of willpower he possessed to not collapse on the spot and howl every ounce of frustration and grief at the heavens. This had become his life, all effort and focus put into forcing the emotions back down, keeping them hidden below the surface, all so he could function with some degree of normality on a daily basis. However, he never gave in to the emotions in public, and never in the presence of anyone other than his closest, and most staunch friend and companion. His Pikachu; the little creature he'd started his quest with all those years ago; not even Brock or Misty could fulfil that need for him, they were simply too judgemental.
He felt so alone, and so utterly worthless.
This was one of those rare occasions where Ash's inner demons had gotten the better of him during the day, driving him to the relative seclusion of his bedroom, with none but Pikachu to bear witness to the outpouring that was the torrent of emotions he felt on a daily basis. Sprawled out on his bed, fully clothed with his face buried in his pillow, Ash wept, allowing the tormenting emotions to flow out of him, in an attempt to cleanse his body and soul. All the while, Pikachu remained close to his head, offering comfort in the form of a small lick or a gentle nuzzle with his snout. In these moments, when he felt as alone and worthless as he currently did, the small yellow rodent's presence added a smile ray of light to his otherwise dim world; it was simple company and affection, nothing more, and precisely what he needed.
What felt like hours passed, until his mournful sobs ceased. He raised his head, eyes bloodshot and cheeks bright red from the crying, thick tear tracks evident on his cute, yet rosy cheeks. His nose was running profusely, and his thick black hair stood at odd angles; he turned his head, and looked at his companion with what could only be called a broken smile. Pikachu moved slightly closer, and gave his trainer and friend an affectionate lick on the nose, accompanied with a reassuring "pika pika". The small yellow creature curled up close to the dark haired man's head, giving off a faint aura of warmth.
"Thanks Pikachu, I don't know what I'd do without you" said Ash, smile becoming a tad more genuine, now that his frustration had been poured, or sobbed, out, "Sometimes I think you're the only true friend I have, apart from Brock and Misty"
Ash allowed his head to flop back down onto the pillow; now that the misery had been expelled, he felt spent; every fibre of his being seemed to scream with exhaustion. Now, with his face buried yet again in his slightly damp, though comfortable and plump pillow, he closed his eyes, allowing sleep to claim him for a period.
xxx
Ash lay on his back, dark hair a sweaty halo encircling his head and laying scattered across the plush pillow. He toned legs were wrapped around the slim waist of another man, a brunette, who's hips snapped back and forth, driving his erection deep inside Ash, striking the sensitive bundle of nerves with each thrust, eliciting groan after groan from Ash, and bringing him closer to the brink each and every second.
Ash wrapped his hands around the other males back, dragging his nails down the firm expanse of flesh; leaving thin red marks along the gently tanned skin, and driving the other even faster. The brunette leant forwards, latching onto Ash's neck, biting and nibbling the delicate skin. The move generated a fresh, louder selection of groans from Ash, as he allowed his head to fall to one side, completely entranced and consumed by the feel of being fucked so quickly, and deeply, and the fast rising fire in his loins.
"Oh fuuuuck, I'm gonna..."
Ash shot bolt upright in bed, sweat streaming down his face, and uncomfortable tightness in his jeans. His breaths came quickly, escaping his quivering body in short, ragged gasps. He groaned, rolled over onto his back, and collapsed against the bundle of pillows; he'd gathered them up when he'd flopped there earlier, with the intent of providing a soft place to bury his head. He ran his hand through his now mid-length black hair, the thought of getting a hair cut briefly flashing through his mind before his thoughts were, yet again, occupied by one thing.
One person.
The dream had unsettled him, bringing everything back with an impressive clarity. The passion, the love, the sheer enjoyment and pleasure he felt. It was all there, roiling around his recently cleared mind. One step forward, five steps back...it was always like this, and it caused Ash no end of misery.
"Why do I let him do this to me?" He asked Pikachu, and groaned again. "I should just end things now, hell; I've come close in the past. Some little thing always stops me though. I thought I was happy, but now..."
He trailed off, starting to feel despondent yet again. He'd nearly grown accustomed to it; that general negativity and feeling of worthlessness had become his constant companion, and his almost standard state of mind. His thoughts began to drift, to go back to how things were in the beginning, when he felt cherished, when he felt the object of his affection actually gave a damn. Back to the days when it was possible to have an actual conversation, when text messages were answered and not outright ignored. When they could actually spend a bit of time together, and show their love and affection like any other couple would.
As his thoughts drifted through memories, he began to feel something else building within him. Something hot that burned away the despair, as he remembered all the things he had sacrificed, all the time he gave up to allow this budding romance to occur. His despair gave way to a purifying rage that washed throughout his whole body, leaving him feeling strangely cleansed and invigorated for the first time that day.
Ash took a deep breath and stood up. He wiped his eyes with the handkerchief he had begun to carry, for a practical reason, not just because it had a picture of a Pikachu on it, and stuffed it back into the trouser pocket of his jeans.
"Fuck him. I'm done with this, I really am. Ha! Who knows, maybe he'll start to care if I don't contact him anymore" he declared, a steely look in his eyes, even though he'd been through the same thoughts countless times before. At that moment, his stomach rumbled, making a noise akin to that of an Onix, reminding him that he hadn't eaten all day. He looked at his watch, and raised his eyebrows in shock upon discovering the time.
"Damn, 2:30" He groaned, and shook his head slightly "Guess I needed more time to recover than I thought. What do you say buddy, shall we eat here or go out?" The thought of eating lifting his spirits even more. What can you say, Ash loved his food.
"Pi pika pi" came the enthusiastic response from his friend, who promptly hopped up onto his shoulder.
Ash laughed, perhaps the most genuine laugh of the day. "I guess we'll be going out then" he said as he smiled at his companion. He picked up his signature hat, and moved towards his bedroom door, and grasped the handle. As he was about to turn it, his phone flared into life, the unmistakable sound blasting around the room, indicating that he as receiving a phone call. He removed the phone from his pocket, only to find that HE was calling him. His finger hovered over the answer button for a moment, but then moved away. He let the phone ring until the call cut out, enjoying the music his phone was emitting. A bit of operatic heavy metal had a strange way of raising his mood.
"I'm going to do it this time. I'm done with this situation, and I'm not going to jump up like a good poochyena every time he says so" was his determined response to a questioning look from Pikachu "I'm not going to let Gary fucking Oak rule my life like this any longer"
With that, the pair walked out of Ash's bedroom and out of the house; all the while with Ash quietly singing his ringtone to himself, gently tapping the fingers of his left hand on his thigh, drumming out the beat to the song.
There's no sense, the fire burns
When wisdom fails, it changes all
The wheel embodies all that keeps on turning
Blood red skies, I feel so cold
No innocence, we play our role
The wheel embodies all
Where are we going?
In a sense, the ringtone resonated with the young man. Where are we going? A question Ash found himself trying to answer each and every day. Where were he and Gary going? He simply could not answer, did not have the faith or trust to answer it if anyone were to ask. I feel so cold...the words had stuck with him the moment he heard the song. If he didn't feel as if he were about to collapse, then he simply felt numb, unresponsive. Such chaotic emotions were a daily occurrence for Ash, he simply did not know how to react any long, did not have the energy for it.
All in all
You expect the wise to be wiser
Fallen from grace and
All and all I guess we should have known better
'Cause
What about us
Isn't it enough
No we're not in paradise
This is who we are
This is what we've got
No it's not our paradise
But it's all we want
And it's all that we're fighting for
Though it's not paradise
His life was by no means a paradise these days. Things had started that way, but it had gone downhill so quickly, almost faster than he thought possible. Some may have taken the words as comforting in the way they focused on struggling with what you had; but, for Ash, this was not what he sought in life. A relationship with someone he could barely see, and could hardly speak with was not something he held as the ideal, nor was it something he wished to be involved with any longer. His patient had fled, leaving him with nothing but a sense of frustration and general despondence.
Strangely enough, the search for lunch had left Ash feeling better than he had in a long while; whether that was because food was the goal or he just needed something to distract himself with, he could not be certain, nor did he care. His mind was no longer on Gary, which was the important factor. The fresh air and perception of having something to do left him feeling strangely relieved, and seemed to have banished all thoughts of Gary Oak from his mind. The pair ambled along the streets of Pallet, basking in the sun, the gentle breeze, and the slight hum of the town's inhabitants going about their business. However, behind the anger and the resolve, a doubt remained, a doubt that said moving on would not be so simple, and that sooner or lately Ash would be back at square one, completely and utterly entranced and smitten with one Gary Oak, the individual who had captured his heart and soul, yet managed to reduce him to an emotional wreck within a matter of seconds.
Of course, little did he know, his life was about to take a drastic turn he had not been anticipating.
The song I used is the wonderful Paradise (what about us) by Within Temptation (ft Tarja Turunen); two artists I am very fond of. Give it a listen.
Reviews are good, like to know what people think
