A/N: I'll be honest, this was an idea that came to me in the middle of the night and I just had to write it. I love the idea of transgender Lavi, and just had to write him. I know this story might seem a bit out of character, but I hope you'll enjoy it nonetheless!
A huge thanks to my amazing partner Glissxndo for encouraging me to write this, checking over it for errors, and helping me with the summary!
Warning: abuse, transphobia, misgendering. All around Bookman just being a huge dick.
Lavi rubbed at his arm as he sat down at his desk, gently nudging his mouse to activate the monitor. He glanced around his room in hesitation before shifting his chair closer. He wanted to do this, really, but was absolutely terrified. If his grandfather ever found out, things would get so much worse than they already were.
But he was finally reaching his breaking point. It had been a long time coming, and he was surprised that he'd lasted as long as he had. Any normal person would have broken long ago, he was sure of it.
Of course, Lavi wasn't really what people would consider 'normal', and he was fine with that. Honestly, the only reason he was even still living with the old man was because he had nowhere else to go. That, and the thought of what the man would do if he found him if he left was enough to make his chest tighten in fear.
His grandfather was already abusive when he didn't listen, he couldn't even imagine what the man would do if he ran away. However, he was at a point where he was more than willing to risk bodily harm if it meant he could finally be free to be himself. He knew, deep down, that if this didn't work out, he wouldn't last long enough to finish his degree.
Taking a deep breath, he glanced towards his room door before opening a web browser. Having never done anything like this before, he had no real idea where to start. Despite having lived in this city for years, he didn't know about any resources for people like him.
He cursed himself for not paying attention or reaching out when his university offered services for abuse victims. He hadn't even cared enough to finish reading the announcement, stopping the second he saw the word abuse, so any resources that might have been provided were lost.
Staring at the blinking line in the search box, he sighed quietly as he tried to think of something to type. He was probably thinking too hard about it. He certainly wouldn't get anywhere if he just kept thinking about it.
Letting out another sigh, Lavi finally moved his hands to the keyboard and hesitantly typed: resources for abuse victims. It was vague and, as expected, resulted in thousands of results.
A quick glance informed him that the first couple listed were within driving distance. Unfortunately, he couldn't drive. Or, more accurately, wasn't allowed to drive. He'd been given 'permission' to get his license, but had no car to drive, and he knew better than to ask if he could borrow his grandfather's for the day. Just thinking back to the last time was giving him a headache.
Which meant all of those options were simply out of the question. He wasn't about to spend countless hours trying to convince someone to take him out there without telling them why he wanted to go.
Still, he figured it would be good to at least save them for later. If nothing else, he could contact one or two and talk to someone. If he ever got the courage to do so, that is.
He quickly created a new folder, named it something stupid like 'songs for studying', and saved each website that looked promising, making sure to name them something inconspicuous. Hopefully that would discourage the old man if he ever demanded to look at his laptop. Again. That had been embarrassing and a very bad week.
Shaking his head, he opened another tab, leaving the other one open for the moment. Hesitating again, he considered if he should really type in what he was thinking. The old man would really have his head if he ever saw it.
"Fuck it." Lavi muttered to himself, typing it anyway. Once again, thousands of results were returned. He should have expected as much. If people felt the same way he did, there would logically be a large online community.
One downside he could immediately see to having this many results was that he had no idea where to start, or which ones were legit. He'd learned a long time ago that there were a lot of people who baited people in with things like this to harm them.
He would definitely need to look into each one before signing up to any of them. Fortunately, it was easy to eliminate some of them from the list, as they required a credit card to just create an account. Whoever thought that was a good idea needed a reality check, and an ass kicking.
Then there were the ones that were so badly designed, he had no idea where the option to even create an account was. So those were immediately thrown into the trash.
The next website he clicked on caught his attention, though. It looked nice, things were easy to locate, and there was a post on the front page that linked to a lot of online resources that didn't rely on location.
Scrolling down, the next post was a list of rules. As he read through them, he was relieved to see that they were all pretty understandable, some of them even common sense. Or not so common, given that it needed to be stated. Sometimes he wondered how people could be so stupid online.
The next post appeared to be an introduction for a couple users. However, when he looked closer, he learned that these people were the ones who ran the website. LenaLady, a cute lesbian who just wanted to help people; CrownClown, a nice genderfluid guy who apparently helps his adoptive family run a shelter; there were a few more, but before he could read any further, he heard a car door slam.
Lavi knew he still had about a minute before the old man reached his room, but he immediately started panicking. He closed his browser, and turned the monitor off, grabbing the closest book he could find.
He flinches as the door opens, hoping that his grandfather hadn't noticed. He can feel eyes on him as an awkward silence follows, but he refuses to look up.
"Why are you so tense?" Bookman snapped, tone unmistakably accusatory.
Placing his book down, he shrugged as he turned to face the man. "Just cramps..." he mumbled, hoping that it would be enough to placate him and prevent any more questions.
Bookman continued to squint at him, making him shift uncomfortably. Finally, he nodded, glancing around the room with a scowl. "Clean this up. Dinner should be ready in a few hours."
Lavi nodded, flinching as the door was slammed when the man left.
He let out a sigh as he started to relax after a minute, looking around the room. It wasn't that messy, in his opinion. There were books laying around from working on assignments, and the clothing he'd removed the night before. But other than that, it was relatively clean.
His eyes eventually landed on the bra resting on his bookshelf. Just looking at it made him hyper aware of the one he was currently wearing, causing him to scowl. He hated these things. All he wanted to do was tear it off and throw it in the trash. But that wasn't possible.
It would be so much more painful for him to go without one than it was to wear one. He really wished he had something else to bind his chest with, but there was no way the old man would ever allow that.
He still remembered what happened the first time he'd ever brought it up; he'd never seen him that angry before. Bookman had never dismissed him so quickly before, insisting that he didn't know what he was talking about, that he was just being ridiculous.
But Lavi knew that he wasn't being ridiculous. He knew how he felt, and he wasn't going to listen to someone telling him that he didn't know his own feelings.
He really didn't understand why Bookman was so against it, and it wasn't like the old man was going to bother explaining it to him. He just knew that ever since, he'd gone out of his way to purposely use his birth name, use feminine pronouns, and introduce him to people as his "granddaughter" instead.
Every time it happened, it felt like a stake to his heart, but there wasn't anything he could do. Any time he tried to speak up and correct the old man, it never ended well. He still had a bruise from last time.
He hated it. Which was how he'd ended up here. He wanted to leave; he needed to leave. He wouldn't survive much longer if he didn't.
Glancing back towards his door, he listened quietly to ensure that his grandfather was downstairs and wouldn't return to tell him something else before turning back to his computer.
Turning the monitor back on, he opened his browser, relieved to see that all the tabs were still open. He didn't even hesitate to return to the forum and begin the sign up process.
As soon as he was content with his profile, ensuring that it gave no real indication to who he was or where he lived, he began looking for a place to post.
It took a short time to relocate the forum designated for introductions, and he immediately opened a new post. Now he hesitated. He wanted to use his chosen name, but was worried people would judge him for it. Though it was either that or his birth name, and he shuddered just imagining these people calling him that.
Taking a deep breath to calm his nerves, he finally began typing.
Alright so, I'm new to this website, and have no real idea how these things work, but here goes nothing. I'm Lavi, I'm 22, currently enrolled in university, and recently came to the conclusion that I'm trans.
I know that might seem a bit weird, but I mean. What can you do? Sometimes it takes you 20 years to realize that you don't want to be a girl anymore.
But anyway. I don't really have any friends who know I'm trans, and my family isn't the most supportive either, so. I figured 'what the hell! it couldn't hurt to check out an lgbt+ forum'.
So, I'm really hoping some of you are as nice as you seem, because I'm honestly desperate for some friends who accept me for who I am.
He scowled a little, knowing that seemed a bit harsh to his current friends. After all, Yuu had pretty much said "I don't give a fuck what your gender is, you're still annoying", which was one of the nicest things he'd ever said to him, even if he didn't realize it.
But having more than one friend was something he knew would help at least a little. It wasn't like he hung with Yuu much outside of school anyway... Bookman was convinced that all he wanted was to get into his pants, and refused to listen no matter how many times he told him that Yuu already had a girlfriend.
So, all in all, his life really was as depressing and desperate as the post made him sound.
Sighing, he took another deep breath and hit post. Now it was too late to change his mind, so all he could do was wait for someone to respond.
It would probably take some time for someone to see it, so he minimized the browser and pushed himself up from his chair.
"May as well clean while I wait." He muttered to himself, moving to pick up the clothing scattered about. He'd learned a long time ago that disobeying his grandfather's orders meant suffering, and as much as wanted to leave the mess out of spite, the fear was much stronger.
Tossing the clothing into the hamper, he bent down to pick up the books and papers scattered around the floor. Just as he was stacking them into a pile, a loud ding came through the speakers of his computer, making him jump and freeze in place.
Heart racing, he turned his attention towards the door, expecting the old man to come stomping up the stairs any second. Fortunately, after a minute of kneeling there in silence, he let out the breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding.
Quickly standing up, he placed the stack on his desk and pulled up the browser again. Sure enough, there was a small red '1' hovering over the envelope icon.
Adjusting the volume on his computer so that it wasn't so loud, he clicked the icon to see the message.
As expected, it was a comment from someone. What he wasn't expecting was to see that the username was one he recognized from the front page.
He took a deep breath before clicking on it, really hoping they were as nice as their introduction sounded.
Hey there Lavi! It's nice to meet you. I'm LenaLady but you can call me Lena. I'm so glad that you decided to reach out, I know how hard it can be. But I promise, you're more than welcome here, and we will never judge you.
However, I do have some questions for you. I know they might be hard to answer, and you don't have to answer if you're not comfortable, but I am concerned.
You mentioned your family being unsupportive. I'd really like to know more about that. In what way are they unsupportive? Do they just not use the correct name or pronouns? Or is it worse than that?
Again, you don't have to answer! I just want to make sure you're safe.
By the time he finished reading, Lavi felt like he was about to burst into tears. All he'd done was introduce himself, but the response was so full of kindness and concern that it was overwhelming.
Smiling to himself, he clicked the reply button, unsure if he was going to answer her questions honestly. But he knew, deep down, that this had been the right choice, and he couldn't wait to see where it went.
