M for Violence and Sensitive Topics

: Trigger Warnings :

Immolation

Excessive Introspection

Vagueness

In the midst of darkness it came into awareness.

Thump thump thump, thump thump thump.

In the beginning it was just the noise, usually a nice even rhythm - sometimes slowing to almost nothing - though it could suddenly speed up, becoming irregular and harsh.

A soft voice - a voice, a person - could be heard most of the time, originally so quiet it was like a buzz in the back of one's mind but eventually it was loud enough to make out the inflection of the words, though not the words themselves. A lot of the times the fast thumping - is that a heartbeat - coincided with angry sounding words. There was a lot of that, whoever the person was, they were upset almost all the time.

Soon it was touch, though nothing was touching until suddenly everything was touching - too close, too fast, can't move, I should be able to move - the space that was once so eternal and endless now so temporal and tiny. An imminent something approached and with it a terror only felt once before - what was so scary, why am I so terrified? - in a memory. And so reason and self became a part of me.

It was a lazy kind of day - technically a sick day for me, my nose had been blocked up ever since I babysat the Green children down the street, though their mother swore up and down that they hadn't been sick - the rest of the family was at work and school and so I laid on the sofa reading a book about a girl who fought dragons. I spent a few hours reading before I decided to fix myself some soup for a late lunch - my stomach had been feeling uneasy for the past couple of hours and I didn't think I could handle much else. My face turned as the soup slogged out of the can into the small pan. I pulled the lighter out of the drawer - the burner never could light itself - and then I flicked the lighter on.

Suddenly the air itself was on fire. And then by proxy everything the air was touching. I screamed as my clothes, skin, hair, face burned but then it was in my lungs and I could no longer stand - can't think, can't see - and amidst the pain the only feeling was terror.

The memory terrifies me but the terror is no longer as all encompassing as it was, though I'm sure that fire will haunt me for a long time to come. I hope no one else was hurt by what I assume was a gas leak. Maybe one of the burner knobs had been left on, they never light themselves so all it would have done was release gas. Did I take the whole house with me? Is my family now homeless?

Sometimes I wonder if this is death or if I'm in a coma or even limbo? If it's a coma the sudden feeling of too close would make sense, I've probably just healed enough to feel the full body cast I'm undoubtedly in if I survived. Death wouldn't really make sense - this obviously isn't hell or heaven and it's clearly not nothing if I can hear, feel, and reason. I squirmed uncomfortably in the darkness and then I paused - am I in the fetal position? Fetal as in fetus?

Had I even considered reincarnation? I went over what I knew of my situation. Assuming I did die in that fire, I knew I was some place that originally I hadn't felt much of anything - a weightless feeling - and now I felt very cramped up - as if the space I occupied was not big enough to contain me - that sounded very much like what I knew of pregnancy... Second, the voice - which could be a woman's - and the heartbeat... It fit perfectly, almost eerily together. Was I being reborn? If the lack of room was an indication, then I wouldn't be stuck in here much longer if this was my rebirth.

What am I thinking?! There's no way.

Clearly I read too much before the fire, there's no way I'm being reborn. I mean, I've always been into alternate universes and time travel theories, as a - what could happen if this was changed - but that's not really possible, there's no way I'd even remember if I was in an infant body - not even an infant yet, a fetus! I don't even believe in reincarnation - it's always just been an interesting theory to me.

I toiled over many theories on where I could be and what exactly happened to me - the theories growing markedly crazier - for the rest of my time in the steadily smaller space but my mind never could ditch the idea of rebirth.

Which is why it wasn't as shocking as it could have been - though it was still unexpected and terrifying - when suddenly the imminent something arrived. Suddenly I began to be expelled from my safe space, as if I was being pushed out of a very small tube.

Hah. The sarcastic thought pushed through the pain. So apparation has something in common with childbirth. I guess they are both pretty magical.

I was pretty much convinced that my initial theory of rebirth was correct and tried to go along with whatever was happening - not like I could fight my way out of a wet paper bag and this place seemed more than a little sturdier - and once I finally pushed past everything - screaming all the way down - I could finally see, though just blobs of color, as my eyes adjusted somewhat to the light.

The noise level was insane and after what seemed like forever in emptiness the overstimulation was disconcerting and confusing. I couldn't tell which way was up or down nor what was going on so I cried and cried until my tiny body fell asleep.

: Author's Note :

This is my first story in awhile and definitely my first that's going to be this big. I've got big plans but all my writing on FF is for the purpose of improving my writing skills and getting these persistant stories out of my head.

I appreciate reviews - they're typically pretty helpful with improving writing and knowing if you're headed in the right direction.