A/N: This is set about a week after the CoLS epilogue - Jace hasn't broken Alec's phone yet, because we're not quite into CoHF territory - we'll get there in chapter 3 I think, but for now we're in the limbo space between books. Anyway, I hope you enjoy it :)

Alec traced circles onto the paper for what seemed like hours. When the paper started to rip he decided to give up on research and reading for the day. Just like he had the day before that. And the day before that. He wasn't sure why he'd even come to the library, when he felt the way he did. Nothing was holding his attention, and it definitely wasn't taking his mind off things, try as he might to focus on the books in front of him. There was a chill in the air on top of it, and Alec was cold and uncomfortable.

He sighed, glancing at the clock. It was only 8:30, but he was exhausted. He was always exhausted these days. Despite the early hour, bed seemed like a better option than anything else he could think of. He certainly didn't feel like talking to Jace, or Izzy, or Angel forbid Clary. At least if he was in his room, no one would bother him. Not that anyone was bothering him here, right now, but if Isabelle came in, she'd try to talk him out of what she liked to call his 'moping'. It didn't feel like he was moping, though. It didn't really feel like anything. It didn't even feel like he was really here, living his life. Someone else had come and replaced Alec with a double, and Alec was watching everything play out from above.

He dragged himself into the hallway, passively hoping no one would see him. He didn't care enough to move quickly, or even to look around and make sure he was alone. He didn't have the energy to care. The numbness spread from his forehead downwards, pulsing. It was similar to the feeling that would course through his veins on a hunt – an anti-adrenaline. When he reached what had been Max's door, he wasn't sure he was going to make it to his room, to his bed. He wanted to slide down to the floor in the hallway. It was too much for one year, too much to deal with. Alexander Lightwood was not one for change. Before Clary had showed up, everything made sense. Sure, there were things he would have changed – his parents, for example. But things had been simple. Jace and Isabelle were his team, Max was around, his parents were not, and every day was pretty predictable. They trained, they learned from Hodge, they went demon hunting. Then Clary showed up, and ruined everything. Now Max was dead, Jace was with Clary, Isabelle was with Simon, and somehow Alec had been dumb enough to drive away the last person he wanted to lose. He didn't hate Clary, really, and he didn't even blame her – but it was nice to imagine that something wasn't his fault, for once. Somehow, though, he brought himself to put one foot in front of the other, and crept through the door, sliding down on top of the covers. He was still cold, but he didn't care to move from that spot. Staring at the ceiling, he embraced the numbing sensations and let them wipe his mind of everything. It was almost like everything was normal again, because he could feel nothing, think about nothing, remember nothing. The whole world was the ceiling, and he didn't have to care about it, or anything else.

Until there was a knock at the door.

"…Alec?" he heard, the muffled sound drawing him from his reverie into oblivion.

"Go away, Izzy," he sighed, frowning. Now he had to start all over again…

"I brought food – I didn't cook it, it's take out - but it's good take out! Chinese. Don't you want some?" she asked, hesitant.

To Alec, she may as well have been talking underwater. It took him a minute to process what she had even been saying. Her feet shifted nervously beyond the closed door. "No, it's okay. I'm not hungry. Thanks, though." He tried to sound as normal as possible, but he couldn't remember what sounding normal felt like. He hadn't felt 'normal' in a week. But he couldn't keep worrying his siblings like that, sounding morose all the time, never joining them in doing anything. If only they'd just forget he was there…then he could sit and stare at the ceiling, and feel nothing. He could call Magnus all day, and hang up. He could stare at the text messages on his phone from when they were happy, hope for replies to the new ones he'd sent. It would be so much easier if…

If what? Alec Lightwood you are trying not to scare your sister… he thought to himself. Best not to go down that road. She was already worried.

"Are you sure? I'll leave some out for you if you think you'll want it later. You should have some. You need to eat," she sounded more self-assured now, more confident. Alec thought that maybe he was doing something right. Maybe if he pretended to eat Izzy's food, she would give up this whole 'Make Alec feel better' quest she'd been on since he'd told her what happened. He'd gotten home after retrieving his things from Magnus's apartment, though he hardly remembered even going there. He was stunned. Isabelle and Jace were confused at first, and even more confused after he'd told them Magnus had broken up with him. He didn't tell them why that day – he hadn't wanted them to know. He'd been ashamed. But he broke eventually, the whole story coming out in a weird, surreal burst the next day. The whole time he'd felt like he was making the whole thing up. That couldn't have been what happened…But it had, and Isabelle had been bothering him periodically since. She meant well, he knew that, but it was just adding to his stress. He had to worry about her worrying about him, now, as well as worrying about everything else.

"Yeah, okay," he called. He could hear Izzy relax, and her tone instantly brightened.

"Great! Come get it when you want it, okay? Remember to come eat it. I bought a lot."

It worked. She left. Alec was getting used to this whole 'acting normal' thing. He could keep this up. No one would have to worry, and everyone would bother him less, and he could sit and do nothing whenever he wanted. Stare at the messages on his phone, waiting for a reply he knew would never come. It wasn't so hard to pretend to be the same as he'd been. He remembered what he'd been like, usually. It was just, well, exhausting, to have to do it so often, when he didn't really feel like himself.

Her interruption had left him thinking again, though, which was never good. When he was thinking, he was thinking about Magnus. Magnus, who hated him now. Magnus, who was stunning and wonderful and who he'd hurt more than anyone else he'd ever loved. Magnus, who refused to even tell him if he was alright, because Magnus was not any of Alec's business anymore and didn't he understand that now? There was a certain finality in the way things had ended, but Alec couldn't understand why, and he couldn't give up. If he texted him enough, Magnus would text him back, realize how sorry Alec was for what he'd done, give him a chance to explain that it wasn't his immortality that Alec had wanted – it was him. Who he was, where he'd been, what had shaped him – that was why he'd gone, and Magnus would understand that, once he came to his senses and gave Alec another chance to explain, to really explain. Magnus was just angry, surely this wasn't it for them…

Suddenly, Izzy was back. "Alec? You still haven't touched your food…Don't you want some?"

"Izzy, it's only been – " he stopped, looking at his clock. It had been three hours. "Oh. Yeah, okay. I'll come get it." With Herculean effort, he stood himself upright. Sluggishly he brought himself to the door, and opened it. Izzy's face dropped when she saw him.

Crap. Alec had forgotten what a mess he must look. He was sure there were dark circles under his eyes. Acting normal wasn't going to be enough…but he wasn't sure he had it in him to look normal, too. That would mean sleeping regularly, eating well, and he was already trying to do those things as best as he could. It just wasn't working very well. Izzy's face hardened in determination.

"Come. Eat," she ordered, grabbing his arm and dragging him to the kitchen. She sat him down and heated the food up for him, setting it down on the table when it was done.

"Um, I think I'll just eat it in my – ,"

"Great! I'll go with you. We haven't spent enough time together lately, brother," she said sweetly, her voice taught.

The plan had been to pretend to eat. Alec's stomach churned at the thought of actually forcing any of the greasy noodles and chicken down his throat. But he saw the look on Isabelle's face and knew he was going to have to do more than that.

He took a few bites and said little while Izzy sat next to him on the bed. Mostly he just pushed the food on his plate around in a futile attempt to make it look like he'd made a sizeable dent in it. Izzy was staring, but there was only so much he could get himself to do, couldn't she see that he was trying? He ate food, sometimes. Just not a lot. He was keeping himself alive, why couldn't that be good enough for her? Her eyes were glued to him, and to his plate. She didn't try to make conversation, didn't even try to pretend she was doing anything other than making sure he was well fed. Just like that he was exhausted again, with all this having to pretend to be okay, and he was sucking at it anyway.

"I'm done."

"You've barely touched –"

"I'm done, Izzy. Drop it."

She looked as though she were about to say something, but apparently thought better of it. She whisked the plate of now cold Chinese food away, shutting the door carefully behind her.

And just like that she was back. Again? By the Angel, Isabelle, leave me alone…

"Alec, we have a call. We're going to need you. Gear up, we're leaving."

"What's happened?"

"Demons. Wreaking havoc. The usual."

This wasn't Alec's first time back at fighting demons. There had been a group of raveners just the other day menacing mundanes in some alleyway. But the day had been so tiring – even more than usual. And the sleep deprivation was catching up with him. He was slow, and he could feel it. His blood was hot molasses, and he couldn't think clearly. So, of course, he wound up making more than his share of careless mistakes – nothing incredibly major, but they were all worse for the wear because of it. Jace was kind.

"And to think I thought I couldn't be em style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"any better /emthan you at this than I already was."

"Shut up, Jace."

"No, really, what the hell was that? I've never seen you that sloppy. You're going to get yourself killed. Or worse, one of us."

"Alright, I get it –"

"What the hell were you thinking –"

"Jace, enough," Izzy barked.

To Alec's surprise, Jace shrugged, but didn't say anything else. Upon closer inspection, Jace looked almost ashamed, which didn't make much sense. This was Jace. Still, Alec was happy to not be arguing anymore. Now, at least, they could talk amongst themselves, and leave him out of it so he could beat himself up over it properly. And they did.

He was going to have to put a lot more effort into sleeping. Often at night he tried to sleep, but couldn't relax enough to actually lose consciousness. Jace was right though – one of them could get hurt because of him being like this. He couldn't slow up this much over nothing. It was ridiculous. He had to have their backs, make sure they were okay. They were more important than whatever Alec was going through right now. They were the priority, and if that meant sleeping more, he would will himself to sleep. He made a mental note of it, tired of silently punishing himself and the self-loathing, and went back to zoning out.

He could do this. A little more work on faking it, and he'd perfect it. It wasn't so bad, really. After all, how can nothing be bad? It's just nothing.


Today, Alec felt a little bit better. He wasn't fooled of course – the good moments ended as quickly and abruptly as they began – but he felt a little bit less like getting out of bed would be a tremendous effort, so he took the opportunity to go get some water and train a little. He'd gotten a little more sleep than he had in days, maybe four hours, though whether that was because of his resolve or if it had just simply caught up with him enough to allow the reprieve he wasn't sure. It had been a while since he trained, though. It just didn't feel right these days. Like someone else was training, instead of him. It never felt like he was improving, and he just ended up frustrated, sore, and tired. But today, maybe…

As he approached the training room he heard Isabelle and Jace talking. Izzy sounded upset, so he hoped that maybe he could try to cheer her up for once, take the attention away from himself a little. As he walked, though, he realized sourly that they were talking about him. An unpleasant mood dripped over him like rainwater, washing away any chance he'd had of enjoying the exercise.

"– we keep letting him be like this? He didn't even get out of bed yesterday until noon. That's not Alec. That's never been Alec."

"I know, Izzy, but what can we do? It's not like we can storm Magnus' apartment."

"If you lost Clary –"

"I know, I get it. Don't you think I want to help him? He's my parabatai, Iz. But it hasn't been that long, give him time."

"He wouldn't even eat, have you seen him eat lately? He just picks at it to make it look like he's eating. And all he does is stare at his phone. I bet he's not sleeping either. He's wasting away in his room and you won't do anything about it. Maybe we em should be storming Magnus' apartment!"

Alec didn't want to hear any more of this, so he stepped into the doorway. "Hey, Jace. Izzy."

Isabelle's face went white, and Jace's eyebrows furrowed. They stared at him, probably expecting anger, hurt, an outburst of some kind. Alec didn't feel angry, though. He just went about his training, ignoring them and acting like he hadn't heard them at all. Eventually, they relaxed, and muttered something about wanting lunch. As soon as they were gone, Alec felt a sense of crushing solitude. They didn't know how to be around him right now, and he didn't know how to be around them.

Training didn't feel any better than it had before, so halfway through he quit. His body was working against him, all awkward twists and listless motion. Frustrated, he slammed his fist against the wall.

Suddenly feeling returned. His emotional backdrop went from black and white to Technicolor in one fell swoop and he felt himself drop to the floor, panting from the exertion and the rush. Everything crashed on him at once, bludgeoning him with every emotion he'd been trying to have since Magnus had told him he never wanted to see him again, hitting him over the head with it. But it wasn't sadness that he felt. Alec Lightwood was furious.

He found Jace and Izzy in the kitchen with Clary, apparently actually having lunch. "I don't need your pity. I just need everyone to leave me alone."

The venom in his voice had everyone wide-eyed. Jace was the first to recover.

"Alec, we want to help," he said, looking hurt. Isabelle just stared.

But the color had drained from Alec again, and he wasn't really in the mood to deal with what had just happened anymore, so he dashed to the bathroom to take a shower. So much for feeling better today.

Still, Alec felt guilty. Izzy was starting to really freak out. He needed to try harder. And he resolved to. Sleeping more was not enough. From here on out, he was going to be Old Alec. The Alec that laughed at trained and ate. He could do it. It wouldn't feel right, it wouldn't feel real, but he could do it, for them.

Later, after he'd sulked about the incident for an hour or so, he apologized to Jace and Isabelle. The latter informed him that she was going to knock down Magnus Bane's door if she had to, and she was going to talk some sense into him. Her tone was matter of fact, but her eyes were blazing in the way they did when she was angry. The combination was usually reserved for their mother and father. He was surprised to see it now. Alec was embarrassed to admit that he wanted her to go, that he wanted her help, so he just smiled at her sadly and receded into his room, hoping his phone would buzz. Because that would fix everything. He was sure of it.