Chapter 1.
Frodo Baggins was sitting in his living room with the Fellowship (save for Boromir who's dead). They were having a tea party for reasons that are never going to be explained. Legolas and Aragorn had spiked everyone's tea because they were bored. Frodo always had very boring tea parties. No one even knew why they were there, Frodo was supposed to have gone to the grey havens. But no one really cared.
Frodo decided to read the mail. It had been piling up for quite some time now because Frodo had forgotten about it. He walked over and pulled 1 letter out of the pile that looked interesting. It had a VERY shiny stamp on it and Frodo loved shiny things. He walked over and sat next to Sam who was buttering a crumpet.
"What do you have there, Mr. Frodo? Can I see it? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pretty Please??!?" asked Sam who had forgotten about his crumpet which was dripping butter all over his lap.
Gandalf hit him over the head and he died.
Frodo started opening the envelope very slowly. Everyone was staring at him, since this was the first interesting thing that had happened in hours. (They had been having that tea party for 5 hours.) He took out the letter and as he did a golden ticket fell out.
"I've got a golden ticket!!" Frodo yelled in ecstasy. Everyone cheered and started dancing while Sam started singing the golden ticket song. A donut fell out of the ceiling and killed him again and everyone stopped dancing.
"It says I can bring one person. I wish I could bring you Grandpa." Frodo said to Gandalf.
Gandalf looked at him, bewildered, "…the hell?" And with that the golden ticket made a little 'poof' and disappeared. Frodo started crying.
Gandalf picked up the letter and read it aloud:
Dear Mr. Baggins,
We are pleased to inform you that you won a contest that you did not enter!! W00t! You have won a lot of airplane tickets to Earth, 2004! Congratulations!! You must be very happy!! Are you happy? Are you very happy? I don't really care!! Please find enclosed a bunch of airplane tickets.
Yours sincerely,
Shindiglemindigleflammableporter Turner
P.S. Some crazy guy named Willy Wonka put a Golden Ticket in this envelope. I let him, because I hate my job. I also put anthrax in this envelope, because I hate my job. I am crying right now and am in the feeble position, because I hate my job. Don't ask me how I can write and be in the feeble position at the same time, because I hate my job.
There was a very long silence as everyone stared at each other for a while and at the anthrax that was slowly pouring out of the envelope. Gimli burped.
"What the hell does w00t mean?" questioned Aragorn, bewildered.
Everyone collapsed from drinking too much alcoholic tea. While they were all lying there Willy Wonka came and stole a crumpet, and the dish ran away with the spoon. A herd of playing cards came and stole the anthrax to give to their queen, and a fairy came and brought Sam back to life but he fell asleep afterwards.
10 hours later everyone woke up with killer hangovers.
Sam was the first to speak, "Whoa…I feel like Pinocchio on crack."
"Um…Great party Frodo, but I have to go home." Said Pippin, yawning.
"WAIT!!!" Gandalf yelled really, really loudly, which made everyone flinch, "Don't you all remember…the letter?" He said the last part really, really quietly as if someone was listening. And indeed someone was listening. In a nearby closet The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen were all huddled inside, listening because they had nothing better to dooooo….isn't it creepy?
"What happened to my crumpet?" Merry asked, somewhat sadly.
"As I was saying," Said Gandalf, calmly, "The letter….Everyone go and pack!"
"Okay…" Everyone said at once. They all trudged out the door and started walking to their respective homes.
Gandalf was still in Frodo's house. He sighed, but he looked quite amused, "3...2...1..."
Frodo came rushing back inside, "Oh! I live here don't I?"
Gandalf walked up to him and handed him a lot of airplane tickets, "Keep them secret, Keep them safe." And with that he picked up his staff and walked outside of the door, but not before hitting his head 500 million times.
"I still wish I had the golden ticket…" Frodo said to himself as he walked into his room to go pack.
