ACT 1: ENTRANCE

HA: Begin Story, perhaps without too many of these silly commands.

You were just getting to that.

You are now a young boy. I would ask you to give him a name, but he already has one. His name is JAMES INGEN.

Your interests include WRITING, VIDEO GAMES, and ROCKING THE FUCK OUT with your best friend. You also love HOMESTUCK, which is partially the reason that one of your friends is freaking the fuck out. Three nights ago, while only the two of you were on the chatroom that you all use, a stranger entered the room. He then proceeded to speak with you in the guise of KARKAT VANTAS. You were unable to disprove his validity, and with the inability to spoof an IP on Pesterchum, you started to wonder if he was the real deal.

You look around your room, which is covered in posters and various printouts of SONG LYRICS. You have spent the last several hours trying to convince your friend to calm down. She is really being quite impractical-

You suddenly find yourself unable to continue this train of thought because you are suddenly too busy being the friend from earlier.

Your name is REI PURSLEY, and right now you're having a minor freak-out at the prospect that the KARKAT you spoke to was indeed the real deal. Your interests include WRITING, HOMESTUCK, and ANNOYING YOUR FRIENDS, especially JAMES. Currently, you are too busy needing his help to decipher the KARKAT incident to bother him. Suddenly, the best friend from earlier becomes the British one, leaving us with no choice but to be the Canadian boyfriend.

You are now AYJAY NOIRE. Your intrests include HOMESTUCK, TRANSFORMERS, and YOUR GIRLFRIEND. You are a pretty damn good RPer, and proud of it. You also have a bit of a fascination with JACK NOIR, and thin that he's by far the coolest character from the comic. You become your girlfriend for no reason.

Your name is ROSE SMITH. You are BRITISH, and all your friends think this is beyond cool. You're really not sure why, other than the cool accent. Your intrests include DRAWING, RPING, and HOMESTUCK. Right now, your friends are in the middle of a mystery, and you want to help them with this, but the author is SO DONE WITH THIS AND THERE'S ONLY ONE GODDAMN MORE CHARACTER. FOR NOW.

Your name is DYLAN WILLARD. Your best friend, JAMES, is currently panicking because of the KARKAT thing. You wish he would get over it already. Your intrests include DRUMMING, VIDEO GAMES, and TERRARIA. You have never read HOMESTUCK, and don't see what the big deal is. You really don't care.

And suddenly, there is a character select screen!

You can be JAMES, REI, or DYLAN.

JAMES: Receive communications from patron troll.

Got it. You are now back to JAMES. You are being pestered by someone else now. You wonder if it's another "troll…"

arsenicCatnip(ac) began trolling cyberController (cC) at 13:45.

ac: :33 Hello?

cC:/x/wEll hI thErE!

cC:/x/rEI? Is thAt yOU?

cC:/x/nOw Is nOt thE tImE fOr An rp.

ac: :33 *ac growls quizzically and tilts her head.* who is Rei? i've nefur heard of someone named rei.

ac: :33 besides, there's ALWAYS time fur an RP!

cC:/x/sO, whO ArE yOU thEn?

ac: :33 Nepeta!

cC:/x/rIIIIIIIIIIIIght.

cC:/x/plEAsE cOntInUE.

ac: :33 *ac looks hurt* mew don't believe me.

cC:/x/wEll, hAng On. *chEcks dAtA*

cC:/x/Oh shIt

cC:/x/I hAvE All my frIEnds Ips mEmOrIzEd

cC:/x/yOUrs Is UnfAmIlIAr

ac: :33 h33 h33!

ac: :33 told you!

cC:/x/wOw

cC:/x/OkAy

cC:/x/I cOUldn't bElIEvE It whEn kArkAt spOkE tO Us

ac: :33 I knew mew'd come around eventfurry!

ac: :33 but I honestly nefur would have guessed mew'd accept me so easily!

cC:/x/I'm mOrE bElIEvIng thAn mOst Of my frIEnds.

cC:/x/sO why dId yOU mEssAgE mE?

cC:/x/mOrE stUff AboUt OUr sEssIOn?

ac: :33 well, sort of.

ac: :33 but also to just talk to mew!

ac: :33 we have to get along well

cC:/x/And why Is thAt?

ac: :33 I'm your patron troll!

cC:/x/wOUldn't gAmzEE bE my pAtrOn?

ac: :33 we made a switch to stop things furom getting boring.

cC:/x/wEll, I AlwAys dId lIkE yOU bEttEr

cC:/x/I'm going to stop using that quirk.

ac: :33 okay.

ac: :33 i came to tell mew that mew have to lead your session.

cC:/x/ I'm the leader?

cC:/x/I would have guessed Rei.

cC:/x/Is that it?

ac: :33 yep!

ac: :33 now what are your opinions on…

cC:/x/Shipping? ;)

You then proceed to have a conversation about shipping that would put the audience into a sweetness-induced state of catatonia if it was reproduced here in full. The important stuff happened at the end, which we go to now:

cC:/x/Oh, definitely. Purrfection in a ship right there.

ac: :33 *ac frisks her tail about, purrlayfully.* h33 h33! I know, right!

ac: :33 what about your furends?

cC:/x/My friends?

cC:/x/Can't say I haven't thought about it.

cC:/x/I think Rei would go well with Vriska or Gamzee.

ac: :33 compurrletley. And I think that- oh!

cC:/x/what?

ac: :33 spoilers!

ac: :33 s33, I'm at a purroint in your future.

cC:/x/Ah. So, do we meet in 'purrson?'

ac: :33 most purrtainly. ;3

ac: :33 so, what about mew?

cC:/x/Me?

cC:/x/I would assume Vriska for my Kismesis.

cC:/x/Anywhere close?

ac: :33 Maybe!

ac: :33 and your matespurrit?

cC:/x/Wow. IDK.

ac: :33 well, it's been fun! but i'm afurred i have to go.

cC:/x/Goodbye!

ac: :33 bye!

arsenicCatnip (ac) ceased trolling cyberController (cC) at 14:22

cC:/x/*sigh*

cC:/x/3

Dylan: Receive communications.

You are now Dylan. And someone is pestering you.

grimAuxiliatrix (ga) began trolling drumheadGameboy (dG) at 13:45

dG: who the fuck are you

dG: james what the hell are you doing now

ga: Um

ga: My Name Is Kanaya

dG: arent you one of those troll things that james is always blabbering on about

ga: Yes

ga: I Am A Member Of The Species Known As A Troll

ga: Also I Am Your Patron Troll

dG: the fuck does that mean

ga: It Means I'm Supposed To Help You On Your Quest

dG: the fuck you talking about

dG: i have no quest

ga: You Sound Kind Of Like Karkat

dG: seriously

dG: the hell is karkat?

ga: Um

ga: How Do I Explain This

dG: by leaving

dG: seriously, youre either james or rei screwing with me

ga: Nepeta Told Me To Tell You To Check My IP

dG: and who the hell is nepeta?

dG: whatever, screw it

dG: okay

dG: dafuq?

dG: since when is HSKTP019928753 a valid ip?

dG: that literally makes zero sense

ga: Told You

ga: I'm Not One Of Your Friends

ga: Yet

dG: yet?

ga: In The Future, We Become Quite Good Friends

dG: the future

dG: how can you know about the motherfucking future?

ga: It Already Happened For Me

dG: well that clears the whole mess up

dG: tell me more about this quest

ga: You Are The One Destined To Find The Game For Your Session

ga: I Believe That You Humans Have A Search Engine Called "Google?"

dG: yeah

ga: Please Use It To Google "SBURB Beta"

ga: At Least, That's What You Told Me To Tell You

dG: alright

dG: see you later i guess

grimAuxiliatrix (ga)ceased trolling drumhead gameboy (dG) at 14:03

Rei: Do the same thing as the other two.

What other two? You have no idea what that means and oh look someone is pestering you.

arachnidsGrip (ag) began trolling eternallyMagical (eM) at 14:45

ag: hello?
eM: James, now ain't the time for an rp

eM: we have to figure out this karkat thing

ag: w8 a second and listen to me

eM: why is your IP different?

ag: because it's vriska

ag: the real vriska

eM: sure

eM: and my name is Elizabeth I, Queen of England

ag: rei

ag: shut up and listen

eM: bingo

eM: why would Vriska know my name?

ag: we've met, stupid

ag: when you go into the game, we come through the furthest ring

ag: and the alpha and 8eta kids arrive on a 8attleship through the wall

ag: and then we pick you guys up and use the 8attleship engines and jade's space powers to move the asteroid superfast and th8's where we are now

eM: and why is that?

eM: why do we leave?

ag: 8ecause we need you guys to stop-

ag: fine

eM: what?

ag: karkat says I'm not allowed to say

eM: and why should I believe you?

ag: the important thing here is my message

ag: which is: you need to let james lead the team

eM: like he could lead anything

ag: just trust me on this one

ag: please

eM: fine

eM: I can't find anything that would disprove that

eM: so I'll temporarily assume it's true.

ag: thanks, m8

eM: what?

ag: now, it's getting l8

ag: i have to go

eM: were you trying to say something else?

ag: what would th8 be?

ag: good8ye

arachnidsGrip (ag) ceased trolling eternallyMagical (eM) at 15:13

HA: Write a long scene for one character with no interruptions for a change.

Good idea! You decide to do just that.

You are now James again. You see an eMail from Dylan with the title "SBURB BETA."

It begins.

END OF ACT 1 PART 1