i'm running out of time i'm out of step and
closing down and never sleep for wanting hours
the empty hours of greed and uselessly always
the need to feel again the real belief of
something more than mockery if only i could
fill my heart with love

-Closedown, The Cure

*****

These days it feels like it all keeps spinning and spinning and it never stops.

The image I pulled on, this mask of the Kaizer, it begins to wear on me to no end. It seems as though...as though...

When I started this all, it was with a firm knowledge of the two people who were "me."

Ichijouji Ken. The boy genius.

The Digimon Kaizer. Ruler of the Digital world.

Then it got to the point that holding both of them together took too much energy.

One of them had to die.

Slowly, methodically, I began to rip out everything that said "Ken." Destroying the boy who shared my skin so that I could truly bloom.

And I thought it worked.

There was only the smallest scrap of "Ken" remaining when I left his parents' house. A boy locked in a cage, slowly dying.

Until HE started tearing down my walls.

Motomiya Daisuke.

To the Kaizer he is a worthy foe who must be crushed.

To Ken he is a ray of light.

Ken loves him. I (and which one am I?) can feel it. His heart (and isn't it my heart, too?) (Who AM I?) beats faster every time he (I? He sees with my eyes, after all) sees him.

And I start, in my less guarded moments, wishing to be Ken again. Wishing for his kind heart, his gentle smile.

And I crush those feelings as ruthlessly as I crushed Ken in the first place. But they keep coming back. Just like he does.

Like he does and HE does.

Ken keeps coming back.

And so does Daisuke.

Every time I see Daisuke, Ken gets a bit stronger.

Every time I hurt Daisuke, Ken gets a bit angrier.

I'm not scared, needless to say. But I might be a bit worried.

Because the stone walls I put around Ken have become glass and they're starting to crack.

And he HATES me.

But I know what I need to do.

I will destroy these stupid chosen children and his precious Daisuke. Killing two birds with one stone, as it were. The Digital world will be mine with no resistance inside or out. I will destroy his love and I will destroy his power. And I'll no longer have his dreams of Daisuke, brittle bright and moth light, touching at the edges of my sleep.

I will destroy them. Destroy them all. I will destroy him. And I know how to do it, to.

Chimeramon.

I am creating a digimon.

Do you hear that, Ken, my unlucky little hold-over?

I am creating a digimon which will destroy your "savior" and his friends.

Are you scared yet?

You should be.

Because I am going to destroy him. I will destroy his friends. I will conquer this world.

And I will destroy you.

I won't be feeling the things you put in my head any more.

None of the "regret."

None of the second thoughts.

None of the thoughts of HIM.

What good will they do me, Ken? None!

And they won't do you any good, either.

Do you hear me down there, dreaming in your hole?

Your days are numbered and the number is very small. So don't get comfortable.

Yes, I know you hate me. I hate you, too.

But you won't be around for much longer, Ken.

Soon it will be just me.

Just me.