CyborgGarfield's Red Dwarf Fan Fiction #2:
The Cat's best find in the whole of today!
The Cat finds a shiny thing… A really BIG shiny thing!
"Warning, There's a Cross-Over Warning going on! It's still going on!"
Three Million years from Earth, the mining ship Red Dwarf.
It's crew:
Dave Lister: The last human being alive.
Arnold Rimmer: A hologram of Lister's dead bunk mate.
The android named Kryten that they picked up in deep space.
And the creature that evolved from Frankenstein, the ship's cat.
Message ends…
Additional:
Three million years from Earth and well beyond the extent of the distance man had travelled into space during our time period; we've discovered and named many previously unknown wondrous and beautiful cosmic phenomena. Just last week we just sat and stared for hours at a bright red, lip shaped object we named the Angelina Jolie Nebula.
Chapter 1:
"Where's that smeggin' cat?" said Lister looking around as he turned the sausages over on the barbeque. He called over to Holly who was in his mobile unit and warming himself by the fire. "Holly, have you seen the Cat?
"He said something about investigating, Dave" said the Red Dwarf Hologrammatic AI Computer with an IQ of 6000. '6000 isn't very high IQ' he used to say. 'It's just the same IQ as 6000 Big Brother housemates.'
"Investigatin'? We're on a smeggin' moon with nothing but craters and dust; apart from it having a breathable atmosphere, there's not really that much to investigate!"
Lister continued to turn the blackened meat as Kryten and Rimmer came back from Starbug with the picnic gear. You know, the usual stuff you have at a picnic, umbrella, blankets, durex volley ball equipment, booze; that sort of stuff.
"No Mr Rimmer" Kryten said to the hologram with the personality of a South American dictator when they were still on-board Starbug. "I don't think we'll need the insect spray."
"You can never be too cautious, Kryten. Who knows what's crawling around in all of this dust?"
"But sir, Holly did a complete organic scan of the moon. There's just nothing to spray."
"Yea, like I would trust a scan from a senile computer that bangs it's head on the smegging screen to count."
"Very well sir, if you must" said Kryten, giving up. 'Honestly' he thought. 'It's like being on hold when you're trying to talk to an insurance company. There's just no getting through.'
When they got within ear shot, Lister asked "Have you guys seen the Cat?"
"No sir" said Kryten, looking around. "I haven't."
"Well what do you expect?" said Rimmer. "This is the biggest sand-box he's ever seen. He's probably doing 'something secret' behind every crater."
"Yea man, you're probably right" Lister said after a swig of lager. "Anyway, how is the Death-Day boy? At least this time you can join in and eat. Not like when we had to keep you in the hologram cage and get Holly to make it seem like you were getting tanked. That hard-light light bee of yours is pretty cool isn't it?"
"Yes, I suppose it is, but I'm still dead" whined the man voted most likely to be keel-hauled in space by his commanding officers. "Cage or no cage, it doesn't change the fact that I'm still composed of nothing but light and…"
"Alright Rimmer, I've heard all this smeg before. Like I've said numerous times, you may be dead – but you're still a smeg-head!"
"Then why do you keep throwing me Death-Day parties every year then you goit?"
Lister put his tongs down and picked up his lager. After a big swig he proceeded to squirt it out of his mouth and onto Rimmer.
"Because, Arnold; I really-really like to rub it in, you know; the fact that you're dead and all."
"I knew there was a real reason for you appearing to do anything remotely nice for me."
"And besides, we always seem to find little moons with breathable atmospheres around the same date you died so it's a good smeggin' excuse to get out of Red Dwarf for a barbeque!'
After another half an hour of Rimmer complaining about being dead and Lister baiting him about being dead; Kryten jumped in before the conversation turned to violence and said "hadn't we better look for the Cat, sirs? He's been gone a while now and he could be lost, or hurt."
"Just how on Io could he get hurt here moon-face? snarled Rimmer rather nastily. "I know, maybe he strained a muscle from always looking at himself in the mirror."
"I think you're right Kryten" said Lister, throwing a piece of burnt sausage at his bunk-mate. "Besides, the foods ready and you know how he feels about food."
"And sleep sir" said Kryten holding up four fingers. "Don't forget they're two of his three favourite things."
They agreed to go after the Cat but they had to leave Holly behind to 'guard' the food. The reality was that it was far too rocky for his mobile unit to travel over and the last thing they were going to do was carry him, as he had politely suggested.
"I'm not carrying you, you Taiwanese calculator! These two can do it if they want but for all I care, you can stay here and rust."
"What did you call me?" said Holly so angry his screen was fogging up.
"You heard, you goit. Now are we going or what?"
Lister, Rimmer and Kryten walked around for about 15 minutes before Lister suggested they split up.
"What?" said Rimmer, nostrils flaring as they usually do when he's either angry or scared. "We can't split up! What if there are GELFs here or Polymorphs or…"
Lister rolled his eyes back and sighed. "Kryten, Holly did an organic scan of the moon, right?"
"Err… yes Mr Lister, he did sir" said the soap opera loving android.
"Then there are no…"
"And you're going to take that senile gits word on that are you Lister?" said Rimmer, arms folded.
Well that particular conversation was soon made redundant when the Cat walked out from behind a crater.
"Cat!" said Lister. "Are you OK man, where have you been?"
"Investigating" he said.
"What?"
"Investigating!"
"Investigating what?"
"Investigating this; investigating that!"
"But there's nothing to investigate here man, it's all rock and dust."
"You're up to something" said Rimmer suspiciously. "What are you hiding?"
"Hey!" said the Cat, stepping back a pace and pointing. "You can't have my big shiny thing!"
"We can't have your big what?" said Lister.
"I found it it's mine!"
"What the smeg are you talking about you deranged fur-ball factory?" said Rimmer.
"What shiny thing, Cat?" asked Lister.
"Just my all time best find in the whole of today! And you can't have it" said the Cat, strutting like a rooster in a hen house.
"We don't want your stupid shiny thing you freaked out feline!" said Rimmer being even more obnoxious than usual.
Lister suddenly wondered what sort of 'shiny thing' could be on a moon so he said "yea, we don't want your shiny thing Cat. But can we see it?"
"You promise you won't steal it?" said the Cat.
"I promise, man."
"What about goal-post head and Herman Munster?"
"Yes sir, Mr Cat. I promise I don't want your shiny thing" said Kryten holding his hand up like he was being sworn in during a court case.
"And I certainly don't want it you stupid moggy" said Rimmer.
After each of them had promised 7 times or more that they didn't want the Cat's shiny thing he decided that they might just be telling the truth.
"OK, this way" the Cat said walking off.
The group began to follow him as he sort -of danced his way along the surface of the moon making his 'owwww! Yea! Yea! Yea!' noises when he suddenly stopped; turned around and said "No! This way" and walked off in the other direction.
"Make up your smeggin' mind Cat" said Lister angrily.
They followed the Cat for about 5 minutes then climbed a small rise. As they got to the top they looked at what the cat had found and all said the same thing.
"Smeg!" said Lister.
"Smeg!" said Rimmer.
"Smeeeeeeeee…"
"It's OK Kryten, we know what you mean" said Lister, not believing his eyes.
"Well guys" said the Cat. What do you think of my shiny thing?" said the Cat proudly.
"Well, you did say it was big" said Kryten.
They
walked closer to the object and as they climbed a small set of stairs
carved into a rock pedestal Rimmer was the first to speak. "What
the smeg is a big rock circle doing on a moon?"
"Yea" said
Lister "And what are all of those squiggly symbols all over it?"
