Driving home from the Penny, Sam absently rubbed at the unexpected ache in his chest. Over the years he prided himself on being able to remain detached from a situation. But throw one doe eyed rookie in his path and his detachment was shot to hell. He meant what he said. Both at the warehouse and in the parking lot of the Black Penny. He needed time away from Andy to regain the detachment that allowed him to view the world with the disillusioned, calculating eye that had made him such a successful cop before she came busting through that crappy lock and into his life.
He honestly meant he couldn't be a cop and be with her because with her, his judgment became skewed. He was more focused on her instead of the situation around them and that could prove deadly for them both. He just wished his words hadn't hurt her so much. Watching her react to them as if he had slapped her made him want to cradle her in his arms and beg her forgiveness. But didn't she see he needed this? If he allowed himself to continue down the path he was on, the one where he allowed his emotions to overrule his judgment, he was afraid one or both of them were going to wind up dead.
Being with her was like waking up to find his life was now his greatest wish fulfilled. He thanked God for every sunrise he greeted with the bed hog that was Andy McNally plastered to his side; a film of sweat gluing their skin together and his nose buried in her hair. He had even begun to see a not so distant future where he woke to watch her walking through their bedroom door, a cooing baby that was the perfect blend of each of them cradled in her arms.
But how could he allow himself that when his best friend now lay rotting in the ground; that same future stolen out of his and his now grieving fiancée's hands? They had come so close to their happily ever after, and now Jerry was dead and Traci was left to explain to her little boy why he wasn't coming home. And if Jerry wasn't allowed his happy ending, how could he, Sam Swarek, expect one?
Pulling the truck into his driveway, Sam shut it off and took a deep breath. Not having Andy in the seat next to him felt odd and wrong on many levels. Waking up without her in the morning and forcing himself to continue his day to day life without her; knowing she was no longer his to touch, to caress, or to kiss would hurt more than anything he had felt before, he reasoned.
But if that's what it took to regain his equilibrium, then that's what he would have to do because he couldn't bury Andy. He couldn't watch a coffin that held her body be lowered into the ground. That would be the day he put a bullet through his own brain. So he would keep her at a distance until he was standing on solid ground again. When the stone cold 'super cop' was back and he felt once again in control of his life.
A/N: Well? What do you think my dears? I hoped you liked my first adventure into Sam's head. Because it's a pretty messed up place to be in right now. Please please please send me feedback. Feedback makes this woman a very happy woman.
