I can only assume that, since you are reading this, you are familiar with SOS Brigade, and, of course, Haruhi Suzumiya. I can also safely assume your familiarity with Suzumiya's eccentric nature and probability-bending ability. Furthermore, I know that you're familiar with fan fiction, and many of you indulge in the hobby. That's the problem.

You see, Haruhi's discovered fan fiction too.

Please don't take this to mean that she's writing fan fiction. No, I mean, she's discovered your fan fiction, and is greatly amused. I have it on good record from Koizumi that, ever since she started reading your fics, destructive closed spaces have practically vanished. Again, that's the problem.

I can understand blue giants trashing cities in closed space. It makes a weird sort of sense, a way to work out one's frustrations without anyone getting hurt. What I can't understand is why she would choose to use closed space to live out your fantasies.

Logic isn't one of her strong suits, and Koizumi's explanations only make me go cross-eyed. Too many circles when all I want is a single straight line.

Perhaps why you write is because Haruhi wills it. She's just about made peace with the real world, but she still dreams of the fantastic and mysterious, of aliens, time-travelers and espers, of Grantville disappearing in a ring of fire, and heavy metal orcs and trailer park elves. (Don't ask.) Perhaps, since she cannot find them in our world, she dreams of you dreaming of her dreaming of mysteries. It's enough to make my head hurt.

Whom the gods punish, they first drive mad.

But if you cannot resist the Haruhi-given urge to write, can you please promise me one thing? Consider it a small favor for the one forced to play out your stories whenever Suzumiya's asleep.

Can you write more romantic stories featuring me and Miss Asahina?