Right! Okay, so I get there are a million of these on FF. net but I absolutely adore them and I decided to post my own. Yeps, so here's the premise. Harry owls the dark lord while on a sugar high, scares the order, all that good stuff. It's the end of fourth year right after Voldemort has been resurrected but things are a bit different with the resurrection (will explain that later).

Jaysnow-Silverblaze- Out! Enjoy!


Dear He-Who-Cannot-Kill-Me-No-Matter-How-Hard-He-Tries,

Yes, you've guessed correctly, it is none other than… (Drum roll please)… ME! The-Boy-Who-Lived-To-Annoy-You. I bet you're wondering why I'm writing to you so I guess I'll tell you.

I'm BORED. Bored, bored, bored, bored! I mean seriously, who leaves a fifteen year old who just witnessed someone being killed, in a muggle neighborhood while telling his friends not to owl him! You have three guesses at who it was and the first two don't count.

Oh yes, and because of that lovely day I have been suffering from ridiculous nightmares ranging from the day you first died to Dumbledore wearing women's knickers… But that last one wasn't quite your fault, blame Ginny.

Have you ever contemplated going insane? Yes, I am quite aware that I am either insane or have a death wish to even be sending this to you but hey, who really cares. Hmm… on that note did you already have your annual attempt-to-kill-Harry-Potter-plan yet, because I would love it if you'd send me a copy- I could give you some pointers!

Hoping you're cold without any hair,

Harry Potter

Your eternal annoyance


Dear Soon-To-Be-Dead Potter,

What time was this sent and how much alcohol had you consumed before you sent it because it's either that or you have a death wish. There is no other reason I would have received a letter from you, no matter your level of boredom. If you think I'm going to apologize for giving you nightmares then you'll be waiting for a long time because Dark Lords try to cause nightmares more often than not. Three guesses? Dumbledore, Dumbledore and Dumbledore but if I only had one choice I'd say Alastor Moody.

I shudder to think of living one of your dreams Potter, particularly the latter of the two stated. I think I might have to have Severus obliviate it from my memory- remind me why I didn't kill the Weaseltte in the chamber?

Potter, you are insane to a point that even I cannot understand, I on the other hand am quite sane- I just have random bouts of insanity frequently. I promise to send you a copy of my plan- the one that I won't be using anyways. If I stooped to the point of taking your pointers for a raid to capture you I would give myself up to the ministry- or have myself admitted to the St. Mungos psychiatric ward.

Hair or no hair I am a wizard that knows warming charms.

Can't wait to mount your head on a spike,

The Dark Lord

P.s. You do realize I know exactly where you are living now due to the locating charm I placed on your owl right?


Dear Order of the Flaming Flamingo (no insult to Fawkes intended)

Hey, I'm alive all! I'm starting to wonder if it's just me or if the Prophet thinks I'm barmy? Now, down to business. Hermione, I leave you my collection of muggle books that my cousin left in his second bedroom and has never touched. Ron I leave you with a muggle garden gnome, do with it what you will. Remus, I leave you my picture of you and Madeline snogging- don't ask where I stole it from. Sirius, I leave you my memory of Pettegrew's confession- get a girlfriend. Snape, greasy git extraordinaire, I leave you the rights to all potions ingredients that may be obtained from the basilisk I killed in second year. Albus Dumbledore, I leave you a request to go fuck yourself, and the broken vase in my closet.

Now that I have that out of the way I can die happy.

Harry Potter


Dear Voldie-poo

I am appalled that you think I would drink! I am not of age! How dare you insinuate I am not an outstanding citizen! Haven't you heard of 'Saint Potter'? No? How about 'Gryffindor's Golden Boy'? 'The Chosen One'? You must have at least once. No, I think I was on a sugar high for my first letter- Good thing Mrs. Weasley sent me lots of sweets!

I didn't really expect you to apologize for my nightmares but since you made a point of actually telling me that, did you know that Dumbledore actually does dance around in women's knickers? I fell into his pensive when I found out about Crouch and –shudder-.

Would that give you nightmares? I'm sure I have more if they don't. Oh, and if you kill Ginny can I have a picture? She used the Bat-Bogie hex on Cho and screamed I would marry her in the middle of the Great Hall.

I am not insane- if you can call yourself sane in any way then I am most definitely sane. I mean only one of us has to be the crazy psychopath- the other has to be the hero who comes in and kicks your arse every time- haven't you watched any muggle movies?

Quite frankly, I think you should be admitted to St. Mungos on principle- I mean whoever dies, spends years as a specter then gets reborn as a half-snake-hybrid-thing can't be all that 'okay in the head'.

Wait wait wait. I think I missed something. You can do spells other than the unforgivables! I think my brain just imploded- do you think I can tell that to Hermione? She'll owe me ten galleons- she said that even if you knew the other curses/spells you would only use them if you really needed them- unless you think that casting a warming charm is necessary due to your lack of hair…

Now that I think about it, do you have any hair? I mean… other than your head? Wait! Nevermind! Bad image! I'm pulling a Dobby here if you didn't realize. Do you think you could spare Snape for an obliviate here as well?

My head is fine where it is.

Hoping you kill the Dursleys,

Gryffindor's Golden Boy

P.s. I think I just insulted myself- 'Gryffindor's Golden Boy'- Pff

P.P.s. I don't care that you know where my relatives live- I would have had Moody enchant the letter otherwise.


Dear Order

Did I scare you? I hope I did. Dursley's are treating me as usual- I got another lock. Vernon was furious I had a murderer as a godfather. Sirius, I thank you from the hairs on my chinny-chin-chin (reference Hermione if you have no idea what I'm talking about.)

H.P.

Dear Harry,

How dare you send something like that! I understand you hate the lack of letters but that was ridiculous! If you ever send something as suggestive of a will or suicide note I'm sending Snape to look in on you! Just because you're not allowed at Headquarters doesn't mean you should send us suicide notes! Just keep telling us you're alive, and we'll try to get you out of there before school.

Molly Weasley.