Summary:
Severus is returning home after his fifth year at Hogwarts. For the first time in his life he's looking forward to what awaits him there.
Rating: T
Warning:
graphic abuse, mentions of domestic violence, mentions of self-harm, a little depressing
(in short, the usual)
Author's Note:
Finally another story. I had this idea for a long time, but never the inspiration to write it. Originally planned as one-shot, but that would have been quite long.
Summaries hate me (as well as traffic lights, by the way). Either I have a good one but no story, or a story but no good summary.
And yes, I absolutely dislike the canon picture of Severus being right-handed.
Disclaimer:
Everything, that in some way sound like JK Rowling (characters, plot, dialogues, etc.) belongs to her.
The mistakes (spelling, grammar, whatever) are mine, though. So, if you find some which escaped me, please send them back. I'll care for them.
Suffer for my sins
Chapter 1 – Returning home
Severus didn't speak a single word on the trip back to London. The fellow Slytherins had tried to start a conversation with him at first, but after a few deadly glares they had given up.
The sun was shining through the windows of the train, mocking his mood as usual. It was the summer after his fifth year, the first holidays without Lily.
Lily. He had tried to apologize to her, more than once. But she never wanted to listen. Finally he had stopped. It hurt his heart, but he didn't want to force her. After all he couldn't even forgive himself, why should she then?
He had watched her, silently, from the distance. Sometimes she met his eye, only to look away a second later. It wouldn't have bothered him, if it wasn't for her disgusted expression.
Severus knew he deserved to pay for that. The Marauders hexed him on a daily basis, but that was nothing new for them. The Slytherins saw the matter differently, they were happy he had quit his friendship with Lily. Thus he had to take his punishment into his own hands. He had started to cut his right arm with a knife every day a few weeks ago.
The train was slowing down. He hadn't realised that the fields and meadows were slowly replaced by houses and tall buildings. They were driving through the outer parts of London, soon they would be arriving at King's Cross Station.
He had no desire to be there. Nor anywhere else. The only thing he felt like doing was turn back time and stop that word from leaving his tongue. Unfortunately that was impossible.
The train stopped and he followed the other students out onto the platform in some kind of trance. The children were laughing and chatting happily. They greeted their waiting parents with smiles on their faces.
Normally Severus would have searched the platform for Lily's parents with her. They always offered him to take him back to Cokeworth as well and he had always agreed, more or less willingly, not wanting to be impolite.
But this year was different, of course. Lily had made perfectly clear she didn't want to talk to him, sitting in the same car in silence would seem awkward to her parents. And his mother couldn't pick him up. First, they had no car, and second, her husband would never allow her to leave the house for several hours.
Thus he would take the train and walk the rest of the way to his house. It would take much longer, his father would be furious about his delay, but he didn't mind. He would get a beating anyway, the worse it was the better it would serve as punishment for his wrong-doings towards Lily.
Back at Hogwarts he had transformed a tiny piece of parchment into a ticket. He couldn't ask his mother for money, she needed it to buy some food and it was barely enough for that anyway. Despite of that he had no desire to be expelled because he had to confund someone to travel unnoticed.
The ride to Cokeworth went by as boring as the one to London. Though Severus looked out of the window, he didn't really see what was going on outside. He just stared into nothingness, his thoughts lost somewhere far away. Maybe with Lily, maybe in the future, he didn't know.
When he left the train, his already bad mood grew even worse. Though the train station was in a better part of the town, it was still depressing here. There were only a few clouds in the sky, yet it seemed to Severus to be dark and gloomy. Somehow it was always different when Lily was around.
Slowly he made his way to his home in Spinner's End. It was almost on the other end of the town. On his walk he passed the street in which Lily lived with her family. He stopped for a while and looked at her house, at the window of her bedroom. Never again would he be in there. Never again would she smile at him. Never again would she take his hand and comfort him after his father beat him. And it was all his fault, he had messed up their friendship.
Suddenly the curtain moved slightly. Severus could have sworn he saw Lily's eyes look at him for a moment. Or did he just imagine it? He waited for a few more seconds. Maybe she would look out again. But the curtain didn't move again.
With a sad sigh he continued his walk. On the way he tried to build up his Occlumency shields again. He had learned of this method a few years ago. Only to notice that he had used it all along to shut down when his father was beating him or his mother. But since then he had practised and improved his skills a lot.
This time he had trouble raising the shields, though. He tried to concentrate on his breathing, calm and regular. A beginner's tactic, but useful. Normally. Somehow his thoughts always returned to the house he had just left behind. Or worse, back to that fateful day at the black lake. Or went ahead to a face and a voice he knew only too well.
All too soon he reached the last house in the street called Spinner's End. The dirtiest and gloomiest of all, as it seemed to Severus. Though the others weren't much better either.
After a short moment of hesitation he knocked on the old wooden door. He heard a muffled shout, then hasty footsteps. The next second the door was opened by a woman, Severus' mother Eileen.
He had almost forgotten what she looked like with him a year gone. Her eyes were tired, dark circles underneath gave evidence of many sleepless nights. The cheekbones stuck out sharply, her face was gaunt from stress and pain. She looked much older than she actually was.
The bruises didn't make this any better. One along her chin was already fading, while a dark blue one formed next to her right eye and covered almost the entire cheek. The eye was slightly swollen. Surely it would be worse the next day.
Small cuts on her lip and chin showed where he had struck her harder than usual. Severus fought back the tears which were threatening to reach his eyes. He didn't want to see the rest of her body. He could imagine it quite well. Even this would only weaken him and he needed every bit of strength for what was coming for him now.
"You're late", was her only greeting. Severus didn't mind. What else could she say? 'Good to see you'? Certainly not. He knew it pained her as well to see him getting hurt.
"I had to take the train." When you grew up in a house with Tobias Snape, you learned very quickly not to say more than what was absolutely necessary. She nodded. Maybe she understood what this meant for his relationship with Lily.
"He's waiting for you in the living room." With this she stepped aside and let him in.
The tiny corridor was barely wide enough for two people. Now it was almost crowded with him, his mother and his Hogwarts trunk inside. He handed it over to her and she heaved it up the stairs towards the attic to lock it away until term resumed.
Not that she didn't want him to study, or prevent him from doing magic. But this way her husband couldn't reach her son's school stuff and destroy it, if he felt like it. It was bad enough that he had broken her wand, she didn't want the same for her son.
Meanwhile Severus entered the living room. The familiar stench of alcohol reached his nose and he screwed up his face for a split-second. Then he knelt down on the dirty floor and took off his shirt, not waiting for his father to give the order.
He didn't bother to search the room for the man. It was not important where he was now. Soon he would be standing behind him, hitting him with the belt or the cane on his bare back.
"Did you finally learn your place, eh?" Severus heard heavy footsteps coming nearer. Instinctively he tensed, and cursed himself for that. He didn't want to show fear in front of his father. Though it would help to receive some more lashes.
Instead of an answer he just lowered his head. For the first time in his life he just wanted the beating to start and not stop until he fell unconscious. Or, even better, died.
"Did you enjoy yourself over the year, yes? Well, you'd better remember the rules while you're here. This is not you're freaky school where you can do whatever you want. This is my house, and my rules, remember that!"
Severus didn't really listen to what his father was telling him. He repeated just one sentence over and over again in his head. 'Lily, I'm so sorry, please forgive me, one day.'
Then he heard the sound of the cane rushing through the air. It made contact with his skin almost immediately. Severus barely managed to suppress a hiss when the fire spread over his back. It had been some time since he had felt it last. Thus he wasn't as used to the pain as he would be at the end of the holidays.
The next few lashes felt just as bad as the first. But he quickly grew numb to it as he usually did. Over and over again the cane came down on his skin. Severus didn't bother to count the blows. May it be as many as his father wished to give him, he didn't care.
Slowly blood was trickling down his back. He hadn't realized that the skin had been ripped open, though it wasn't unexpected, of course. The belt may only leave bruises and painful welts, but the cane always caused bleeding injuries.
Finally, after a pretty bad stroke, he collapsed to the floor. Unfortunately this meant the cuts on his right arm were visible to his father. Of course he spotted them before Severus was able to hide his arm again.
"You freak enjoying the pain, eh? Well, you can have more of this then!", the man spat. Had he not been used to it by now, Severus would have been shocked about the amused tone in his father's voice.
And again he beat him with the cane. Only this time it felt more fiercely than before. Severus flinched violently when it left another open wound on his already bloody back.
Another hard blow followed, then another. Soon he lost count over them, but it didn't matter to him anyway. He already had scars on his back, and he didn't even know how many. These new ones wouldn't make much difference.
After what felt like an eternity his father was done with him. Severus barely held onto consciousness. It wouldn't have taken much longer and he would have fallen into the blackness he usually greeted. Not this time, though. This time he wanted to feel the pain, needed it to pay for his sins.
"Get to your room!" He didn't dare to disobey his father's order, even though he felt dizzy. He was bleeding heavily now, too many open wounds had been left by the cane. But he had no time to catch his breath or rest for a moment. He already sensed the kick he would get if he didn't move in a split-second.
Cut! Or it's getting too long!
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