"If I can't have you, no one will."
She felt his hatred burn into her soul, shooting out of his eyes, engulfing his entire aura, just as the knife sliced through the tender skin of her abdomen, sinking to the hilt.
"Whore," he whispered, ripping it from her flesh. He buried it again, repeating that one word, just a little louder and closer to her ear than previously.
"Whore." His smile grew, teeth clenched together, lips curled at the edges.
"Whore," he reiterated as the blade drilled through her flesh a third time.
She clenched her fists at her side, and mustering all her strength, raised her arms and slammed her cupped hands against the sides of his head, hitting his ears. She hoped she blew his eardrums. He crumpled to the ground, and she grabbed his head as he started to go, using the force of his fall and sheer willpower to drop his nose directly in line with her bent knee, bringing it up to meet his face in the middle. She turned and shoved the young girl, whose face quickly began to blur, through the open door to the flashing lights beyond.
There was no pain, only adrenaline.
She tried to follow, holding her bleeding wounds with one hand and guiding herself through the doorway with the other, but suddenly she was being held by the back of the neck, and at her throat, the stiff, sharp edge of the blade dug in at her jugular. Blood oozed down her neck, pooling in the collar of her shirt.
Pop-pop-pop!
The tingle of a second-hand electrical charge grazed her skin for just a moment before the hand let go and she collapsed into the dirt. Shadows rushed at her in slow motion, haloed by blue light. She couldn't breathe. Everything began to fade, except a pair of brown eyes gazing into hers. "Ellie?" he whispered, "El, you can't leave me, please."
Tap-tap-tap
Dr. Song tapped her pen on the steno pad lying across her knees. She brushed the side of her wildly curly hair behind her ear, gazing down at her notes, before breathing deeply through her nose and leaning forward. She looked up, catching Ellie's eyes with her own, before stating carefully, "You know that it's not uncommon to have flashbacks in your dreams, or even for your dreams to amplify your subconscious thoughts and manifest them. This is part of post-traumatic stress."
"Yes, I know," Ellie replied flatly.
"Why do you think that, after four years, these manifestations would simply disappear?"
Ellie shrugged. "I just thought that this nightmare would end by now. My life is pretty good, considering."
"Considering what, Mrs. Hardy?" Dr. Song pressed.
Ellie's gaze drifted to the trees outside the big picture window in Dr. Song's office. She sighed. "Considering that my life is a far better improvement to what it once was, and I thought I'd got over this."
Dr. Song reached out and placed her hand over Ellie's. "You discovered that your ex-husband had already groomed another young man before he was ever caught for murdering your best friend's son. That young man went on to commit multitudes of kidnappings, rapes and murders, before he took your stepdaughter and then you. Your ex-husband orchestrated Daisy's kidnapping and yours, and then he tried to murder you. He took Fred, and then attempted to kill himself when your husband caught him. None of these tragedies are your fault, and if it wasn't for you, Daisy would have died. Trish Winterman's murderer would never have been caught. Leo Humphries would have never seen the inside of a cell for any of the women he attacked and killed. And your ex-husband would still be preying on children instead of locked away where he will never touch another child for the rest of his life. None of these tragedies are your fault, they all started with him. Ellie, you're a hero and you need to start remembering that."
The doctor paused. Her voice softened, "But with that in mind, you also need to give yourself time to heal. Many survivors feel guilty or ashamed that they made it out alive when others didn't. These feelings are normal."
Ellie scoffed. "It's normal to hate myself for letting Trish die," she spit through clenched teeth. "It's normal to feel like I'm failing her still?" Tears gathered at the edges of Ellie's vision, but she forced them back.
Dr. Song nodded. "Yes."
"Well," Ellie mumbled, worrying her hands, "how do I stop feeling like this?"
The doctor chuckled gently, giving Ellie a genuine, warm smile. "Be patient, and give it time. Continuing to see me every week helps, too. Sometimes the best remedy is to share these feelings with those closest to you so they can provide comfort. Do you talk to your husband at all about the flashbacks?"
"I did at first."
"What happened?"
The tears that threatened to spill before trickled slowly down Ellie's cheeks. She forcefully wiped them away with her hands. Doctor Song lifted her hand to pass Ellie a tissue. Ellie nodded her thanks. She wiped her nose and closed her eyes and she took a deep breath in. "Alec started to look at me like I'm some broken doll. And he was always walking on eggshells around me. I didn't mind so much at first, I mean, I kind of needed it, but…"
Elie's voice drifted off and she got lost in a sea of memories again. The terrified look in his eyes when she'd wake up screaming, Alec's arms grabbing her and holding her as she fought against him without realizing it wasn't Joe like in her dreams. His face full of frustration when she'd refuse to be touched after nights like that. Alec had tried so many times to get Ellie to go out in public, but every time she saw someone who looked even a little bit like him, like Joe, she'd panic. The first six months after Ellie left hospital had been hell.
Eventually, things had calmed. The nightmares came less often, and Ellie warmed to Alec's touch. Hell, the first time they made love had nearly erased all memory of the times she struggled through the physical part of her marriage to Joe.
And when Alec asked her to be his wife, he'd brought her to a little park not far from their house where a theatrical production of "Much Ado About Nothing" was playing, and they sat upon the grass simply enjoying themselves, drinking wine and laughing at the back and forth between Beatrice and Benedick. When Alec took her hand, slipped a gorgeous diamond ring on her finger and quoted, "I do love nothing in the world so well as you."God, Ellie thought,he's such a good man, and I'm ruining him.
Ellie's memories turned to the present, a year after the bliss of the newlywed phase faded, their daughter and son both nearing two. Instead of verbal sparring matches like they'd had so long ago, Alec and Ellie both just bottled everything up until they exploded into shouting, cursing and name-calling. It was so unhealthy, and Ellie knew it, but she wanted him to think she still had fire raging inside her. She didn't want him to know that she's never really left that house, and the fire died inside when she nearly did. Ellie loved that man so much, she couldn't stand to see the broken look on Alec's face like she'd seen upon waking up in hospital, her right hand clutched in both of his and pressed to his face as he sobbed his confessions to an empty room. Deep down, the only thing Ellie thought would save Alec would be to push him away, hide him from the unfathomable anguish Ellie lived with every day of her life now.
"Ellie?"
She snapped out of her mind, looked up at the doctor and flashed a tight smile.
Doctor Song cocked her head to the side, pen sticking out from behind her ear. "Where did you go, sweetie?"
Ellie's smile dropped, and her eyes spilled forth a flood. "I can't hurt him anymore, Doctor," Ellie sobbed into her hands, "I'm not the person I was before and I keep trying to pretend to be and I- I- I'm ruining him."
The glass-paneled door slammed closed, and from the reception area of Alec Hardy's office, his daughter wrangled two crying toddlers, two backpacks, keys and a bag of Chinese takeaway in her arms, struggling to keep everything from dumping onto the floor in front of her. "A little help, Dad," she shouted, dropping the keys and takeaway onto her desk.
"I've got it," Alec stated as he rounded the corner, pulling his whimpering youngest daughter from Daisy's arm and slinging the bag over Daisy's shoulder, leaving it to rest on the floor at his feet. He gently rubbed the little one's back, trying to soothe her. "What's wrong, Bella? It's ok, Dad's here, no more tears then, " Alec cooed, wiping little Bella's face with a tissue and dropped the mucus-covered rag in the bin. He placed Bella on the playmat with her toy, took his now calmed son, Liam, from Daisy, tickling the boy until he giggled, then gently placed him next to his twin sister.
As Alec grabbed Liam's bag from Daisy, his eyebrows furrowed, realizing it was Ellie's day to pick the twins up from the child minder. "Daze, where's Ellie? She's supposed to get the twins today, and you're supposed to be in a lecture right now."
"I don't want you to freak out, Dad, you always think things are worse than they really are."
Alec raised his eyebrow, "Tell me now, young lady."
Daisy sighed, rolling her eyes. "I was on my way to the forensics lecture and Ellie called. She said her appointment went long and the doctor prescribed new medication for her PTSD. Said she should go straight home and take one."
Alec crossed his arms and shrugged, "So? This was expected. She needs something stronger, but I don't understand why it's got to be such a secret—"
"She also prescribed an antidepressant, Dad. And Ellie needed to get home to take it because the doctor wanted her to have it right away. It's just something to take the edge off, help her sleep, maybe make the things going through her head more clear and easier to deal with."
"Ellie's depressed?"
Daisy placed her hands on her father's shoulders reassuringly. "Yes, and it's pretty obvious she has been for some time. I may not come round very often, but I still see it in her face when she thinks no one is watching. It's not your fault, this is totally normal for what she's been through. Sometimes it takes a long time for people to move on after a tragedy."
Alec backed away and leaned against the desk, his hand shooting up into his hair. "Why didn't she tell me?"
Daisy leaned back next to her father, wrapping her arm around his. "First of all, don't blame yourself. Secondly, I'm pretty sure she wanted to tell you, but you two are always at each other lately." Alec shot her a sideways glance, but Daisy continued, "However, if you two talk a little more and yell a little less, I'm sure it'll work out."
Alec untangled his arm from his daughter's and curled it around her shoulders, pulling her into a hug. "How did you get so grown up?"
"I'm twenty-three years old, Dad. Google, and my psych class, that's how."
