Gundams in the Desert!

A/N: I'm in the process of revising my old fanfics, so here is the latest and greatest version of my first full-length Gundam Wing humor fic. This story is a farce, and it explores the idea of what the Gundam pilots might do after the war between earth and the space colonies ended. To keep things interesting, the Gundams have not been destroyed; if they had been, we wouldn't have a story!

Obligatory Disclaimer: Sunrise owns Gundam Wing. And probably Yoshiyuki Tomino, who pretty much invented it. And Akemi Omode, who did artwork on the show and created the manga, "Blind Target," probably gets a slice of the franchise pie. I'm also guessing that manga artist Koichi Tokita, who drew the series manga and "Battlefield of Pacifists," rakes in some pretty decent dough as well, even though he doesn't deserve it... He can draw the heck out of mechas, but his character drawings suck! I could draw better with my left pinky toe! Which is why I've decided that I should own Gundam Wing! But I don't...which was the original point of this lengthy disclaimer.

Chapter One: Road Trip

Quatre looked around his room and sighed. He was back on earth and bored out of his mind. Now that there was peace between earth and the colonies, he and his fellow Gundam pilots were rendered useless. He tried desperately to come up with something to do. I know! He thought. I'll call Trowa and see what he's doing; maybe he can take some time off work and come visit me...

Trowa, who had gone back to circus life, was spending his down time between Catherine and Wufei. At his place, the phone rang, and Quatre's voice came through the line.

"Hey, Trowa, how are you?"

"Not bad," he answered, sounding nonchalant. "You?"

"I'm fine, but really bored! What have you been up to since the war ended?"

"Not much. Work, sleep, et cetera. Oh—and Wufei's here, too."

"Well... what are you guys doing?"

"Nothing," Trowa answered tonelessly.

Quatre almost laughed. "You sound like you're staring at the TV or something! Are you guys watching something?" he asked, aware that Trowa was not paying attention. "Hello?"

"…" Silence came over the line, and Quatre chuckled inwardly. "Earth to Trowa!" he tried again.

"…" Still nothing. Quatre lost patience. "TROWA!"

"Huh? What?"

Quatre sighed. "I asked if you were watching TV."

"No," Trowa lied, switching off the television.

"Hey!" Wufei yelled in the background. "I was watching that, you fool!"

"So," Trowa continued, ignoring Wufei's ranting. "You were saying, Quatre?"

"Well, I was gonna ask if you wanted to come visit me. Wufei is invited too, if he wants to come."

"What about Duo and Heero?"

"Sure, I'll ask them, too, if you want."

"Doesn't matter," Trowa droned. "We'll be there as soon as we pack a few things."

"Oh, you don't have to bring anything with you," Quatre interjected. "We have plenty of stuff here."

"Well," Trowa lowered his voice. "I do need to bring my hair gel." Despite his attempt to whisper, Wufei overheard him.

"HAH!" Wufei barked. "Hair gel is feminine! Women are weak, and so are you!"

"Yeah." Trowa rolled his eyes. "Whatever."

Quatre ignored Wufei's yelling. "All right, well I hope to see you soon."

"Bye." Trowa hung up the phone.

"Good," Wufei said. "Now that you've ended you're sissy conversation, we can go back to doing something more important."

Trowa turned the TV back on. "You mean the Facts of Life marathon?"

"Exactly." Wufei folded his arms across his chest and leaned back. "Now this is what I call entertainment!"

The two stared blankly at the television for a few more hours, then jumped in their mobile suits and headed for Quatre's place in Arabia. When they arrived, Quatre had a huge barbecue waiting for his guests.

"Mmm." Trowa sniffed the air. "That smells good. Guess I'm hungry after our trip from space."

"Good," Quatre said. "Because we have a lot of food! There's steak, hamburgers, hotdogs and..."

"Unhealthy fools!" Wufei interrupted. "MEAT is for the WEAK! Vegetables are better!"

Trowa and Quatre looked at each other and shrugged.

"Um, okay, we can cook some vegetables too, you know, if you want..." Quatre started, eager to please.

"No!" Wufei shouted. "No, no, NO! You do not COOK vegetables! That strips them of their essential vitamins and nutrients! You must eat them RAW!"

"O-okay, Wufei, you'll have your raw vegetables, I promise." Quatre wished that Wufei would shut up. Seemingly satisfied, Wufei munched on celery stalks and carrots while Trowa and Quatre ate their meat.

"Hey," Trowa piped up after a while. "Where are Duo and Heero?"

"I tried to call them, but I couldn't get a hold of either of them." Quatre said.

"Oh well," Trowa grabbed another burger. "More for us." They all nodded heartily. After dinner, they agreed to watch some more Facts of Life.

Meanwhile, Heero and Duo were in an old Mustang modified with Gundanium alloy and missile launchers. They were driving across a hot, dusty road in the desert, somewhere between Texas and New Mexico. Apparently, they were lost, but neither wanted to admit it. After what seemed like hours of driving in circles, Heero finally grunted in frustration.

"How did you ever convince me to go on this road trip?" Heero glared at Duo. "Did you even bring a map?"

"Nah," Duo replied casually, stretching his arms over his head. "Don't need one. We're guys. We're born with an innate sense of direction."

Heero rolled his eyes, which Duo noticed.

"Hey, don't let hanging out with Relena so much make you soft, buddy."

"Like you have any room to talk," Heero said defensively. "You and Hilde act like you're practically married."

"So?" Duo crossed his arms over his chest and glared out the window. Frustrated with the silence, he flipped on the radio. A heavy metal tune blared through the speakers. Heero winced, then turned the station to an energetic classical song.

"Now that's what I call music," He said, actually smiling. "Beethoven was the master..."

Just then, Duo switched it back to the rock station. Annoyed, Heero went back to Beethoven. They went back and forth, back and forth, until they accidentally turned on a mushy pop love song.

"Even the nights are better, now that we're here together," the high-pitched tenor crooned over synthesizers and electric drumbeats. Heero glanced over at Duo.

"Um, so," Heero stammered. "You wanna... change it?"

"No, I don't care, it's your car, man," Duo said flippantly.

They were both quiet for a minute.

"I mean," Heero said as the song continued to play, "You really could change it. I'd be okay with that."

"Yeah, it is a pretty stupid song..." Due agreed, but neither of them made a move to change the station. They looked at each other, suddenly bursting into song.

"EVEN THE NIGHTS ARE BETTER SINCE I FOUND YOU, OHHH!" They sang loudly in unison, tears streaming down their cheeks. Their off-key voices rang as the Mustang flew down the road.

After the song was over, they both quieted down, embarrassed.

"So," Heero spoke first, clearing his throat. "Where are we going, anyway?"

"Oh, right," Duo answered. "To Vegas!"

Heero looked at Duo. "Vegas? It's not like we can gamble!"

"You mean you can't gamble. I happen to be a pro!" Duo bragged.

Heero snorted a laugh. "I mean, it's illegal."

"Looks like I was right," Duo sneered. "That Vice Foreign Minister girlfriend of yours is making you a real softy. You're actually concerned about what is and isn't legal!"

"I don't care what you think!" Heero said heatedly. "But you'd think you'd give it a second thought—after all, you're the one dressed like a priest."

Duo stopped to think for a second. "W-well," he stammered, "that's just to throw people off!"

"Whatever," Heero muttered. "Vegas it is..."

Back in Arabia...

Quatre, Trowa and Wufei awoke the next day to a big breakfast prepared by Quatre's staff. Both Quatre and Trowa helped themselves to some coffee and offered some to Wufei.

Wufei looked horrified. "Coffee? That is full of caffeine!"

"Oh great," Trowa muttered. "Here he goes on his health kick again..."

"Look, Wufei," Quatre began in a tired voice. "We drink coffee to wake up, become more alert. That's what the caffeine's for."

"I don't need caffeine to wake up! That is for the weak!"

Quatre and Trowa looked at each other, exasperated.

"Caffeine is strong, Wufei," Trowa said, obviously annoyed.

"Strong?" Wufei questioned. "Like Nataku?"

Trowa and Quatre looked at each other and shrugged again.

"Sure," Quatre said positively, hoping to end the conversation there. "Like Nataku."

Wufei's eyes filled with tears. "Nataku... I love Nataku... Good, strong Nataku! I shall take her some coffee!" Wufei grabbed the whole pot and ran out to his Gundam, leaving Trowa and Quatre in confusion.

After breakfast, the guys began to get ready to go out. Quatre was on his way to the shower when he caught sight of Wufei staring with his mouth wide open. Quatre looked to see what was holding Wufei's fascination. There Trowa stood, smearing gel on his hair and blowing it forward with his blow dryer.

"So that's how he does it," Quatre whispered, awestruck.

"Wow," Wufei echoed. Then he snapped out of it. "But only women and weaklings spend so much time on their frivolous hair! Me, I just pull my hair back and leave it that way, like a real man."

Quatre found himself smiling. "Come to think of it, Wufei, you could stand to spend a little more time on your hair. Looks kind of greasy..."

"Greasy? No, it's shiny! You don't know what you're talking about, fool! I use Garnier Fructis! My hair is long and strong!"

Quatre said, laughing, "No, Wufei, Trowa's hair is strong! With all that gel he puts in it, it's probably stiff as a board!"

Wufei caught himself and started laughing with Quatre. They were both doubled over on the floor when Trowa walked in.

"What?" He asked innocently. "Did I miss something?"

Wufei and Quatre looked at Trowa, then at each other, then back at Trowa's hair. They burst out laughing again. Trowa shrugged and walked out of the room.

Later that day, the three unemployed Gundam pilots decided to check out the movies. They arrived at the theater and began to look at what was currently playing. Without asking the other two what they wanted to see, Wufei stomped up to the counter, slammed his money down, and demanded, "I want three tickets to the bloodiest, goriest, and most violently graphic movie you have!"

The lady working there looked stunned. "W-well," she stammered, "that would be Super Samurai Suicide 3, but you look a little young for that, kiddo. How about The Cute and Cuddly Bears in Happy Rainbow Land instead?"

"Kiddo? KIDDO? I am not a kid! Kids are weak!"

"But Wufei, you used to be a kid," Quatre reminded him.

Wufei turned to him in shock. "I was weak," he said blankly. His eyes grew wider and wider. "Nooo, not Chang Wufei..."

"Excuse me," the lady's voice brought Wufei back to the present. "If you're planning on seeing this movie, I'll need to see some I.D."

"I.D.?" Wufei cried. "I don't need I.D.! I.D. is for the weak!"

Trowa sighed and stepped forward. "I'm seventeen," he offered. "I can take these guys in."

The lady smiled warmly at him. "Sure thing, hun," she said, handing Trowa the tickets. "By the way, I like your hair. It's very... innovative." The lady winked at him, and Quatre cracked up.

"Uh, thanks..." Trowa grabbed the tickets and got away as quickly as he could.

Wufei shook his head in disbelief and turned to Trowa. "How did you do that?"

Trowa shrugged. "I don't know. I guess I was just being polite or something."

Wufei fell to his knees and began bowing to Trowa in reverence. "I am not worthy of being in your presence! Oh, noble pilot of the Heavyarms, teach me to be, as you said, polite. You are wise and know many things. You..."

"Cut it out, Wufei." Trowa yanked him to his feet. "We're gonna miss the movie."

A reluctant Quatre followed the other two into the theater showing the gory action flick.

"Aw, you guys, couldn't we have seen that movie with Julia Roberts instead?"

Trowa sighed. "Come on, Quatre, nobody likes those old movies anymore."

"They're classics!" Quatre insisted.

"Classics are for the weak! Julia Roberts is weak! You're all weak!"

"Shut up!" Quatre and Trowa said together.

During the movie, the three pilots sat together in stark contrast. Quatre kept turning his face in disgust; Trowa sat back comfortably, his eyes glued on the screen as he ate from his bag of popcorn; Wufei sat on the edge of his seat, yelling out, "Go get him! Yeah! That's it! Knock that weakling to the floor! HAHAHA!"

"Trowa," Quatre whispered, "He's gonna get us kicked out!"

Trowa nodded and leaned over to Wufei. "Right now you're showing signs of weakness. A strong man knows how to watch a movie without yelling what he does and does not like about it."

"Really?" Wufei said. "I will abide by what you say, for you are great and wise..."

"Whatever," Trowa muttered, gazing back at the movie.

To be continued…

(Thanks to Air Supply for the use of the cheesy lyrics from their 1982 smash hit, "Even the Nights Are Better.")