Chapter one: The Dark Night
Coach was driving his dune buggy through a deserted road, when suddenly it stopped. "I'm outta gas!" he exclaimed. "Better go get me some more!" he said. Coach got out of his dune buggy and walked through the deserted road when suddenly, he heard a noise...It was zombies!
Coach pulled out his magical, god-killing chainsaw made from Ironman's armor and the teeth of vicious ogres from the deep bowels of HELL, known as Gutsbutter. Then he revved it up and slayed the nearly infinite horde of zombies with extreme prejudice. The zombies yelled out in pain as Gutsbutter cut through their guts like butter. Coach was swinging Gutsbutter around in a circle, all the while laughing like a pirate as the sky rained zombie pieces.
All the zombies were DEADER THAN DEAD and Coach walked away with a smile on his face, proud of his achievement. After an hour of walking through the deserted road, Coach found a Wal-Mart. He said "I know one thing: I'm grabbin' pills!" As Coach walked through Wal-Mart, he noticed that very few others were there, and he said "A'ight, I'm takin' whatever I can get!"
Coach was a man of his word. Coach stole 6 ties, 10 football jerseys, 7 pounds of bacon, 11 12 packs of beer, a couple pillowcases, some video games, 8 shotguns, a meat cleaver, 12 Rap cds, a pack of gum, and a mattress. He made his way towards some cotton candy with the intention of taking it and eating it, but someone was already there...it was BATMAN!
Coach said "gimme my cotton candy BATCH!" Batman said "No way fatty, over my dead body!" Coach said "Alright boy, you done messed with the wrong coach." Batman threw a punch at Coach, who ducked it and countered with a shoryuken uppercut that knocked Batman to the ground. Batman threw a batarang at Coach. Coach was struck in the stomach by the batarang and he yelled "Now I'm Pissed!" Coach pulled out three shotguns, carrying one in his teeth, and he shot Batman with all three of them, killing Batman. Coach then unmasked Batman's corpse. "Oh my GAWD. Ellis!" Batman was secretly Ellis the whole time! Coach was struck with guilt and sadness. Coach then took the Batman suit and mask and wore it in honor of Ellis. He exclaimed "I'mma be Batman now." Coach walked out of Wal-Mart and looked around the parking lot for a nice car. He eventually came across a pimped out black Cadillac limousine with a golden grill. Coach smiled to himself and unlocked the car with his master key that can unlock almost anything. He drove away blaring a Royce Da 5'9 album on his car's radio while eating a chocolate bar.
