The alarm had blared at 4:20 AM. I'd gotten up from a very deep rest, put on my turnout gear and staggered onto Truck 81. I was sure it was going to be another false alarm or at the absolute worst a dumpster fire.

Then I heard Severide on the radio "Squad Three at 1414 Lardner. Smoke showing." I knew my only option was to let the adrenaline take over. But at the time I didn't know that wouldn't be enough…

Actually, I'd better start at the beginning.

It started the evening after we got back from our vacation. Joyce went out with some friends. The next day I'd have to go back to the office. The thought filled me with dread.

I really began second guessing myself for taking that dufus job. I decided to do something about it so I walked to the el [elevated train] to ride to Molly's. It was cold (early November of 2016) but not too cold.

At Molly's it was a slack night few customers. Otis was tending the bar. He looked up and greeted me. "Hey Tyco. Nice tan."

I nodded and explained. "Wife and I took a Caribbean cruise. Pictures on Facebook."

I'd been dropping by Molly's every few weeks. Usually sat near firefighters or with firefighters and listened in on shop talk. I'd once let them coax out of me that I'd been a National Park firefighter out west one summer. But I usually just listened, sometimes buying one round for the firefighters I was listening to.

That night I just sat in the back and had one drink. No good talk to listen to.

Maybe I seemed morose. Maybe Otis felt social. Eventually he came over to check on me. "Care to talk about it?" he asked.

"Little over eight years back I had two job offers. I'm wondering just how I wound up with the wrong choice."

"What was the other job?"

"The Fire Department."

"That was my training class. High five almost classmate."

We high fived.

"I'm still not that old. I could reapply."

I'd checked. The rule was you could get hired if you were under 38 years old when your training class started.

Otis shrugged. "The department is a great job. If you like living intensely with your crew and getting up in the middle of the night to go pull people out of burning buildings before the ceiling falls on you."

I nodded and had another sip.

After a pause he continued "Truth is it's pretty incomprehensible until the danger is right in front of you."

I replied "That's straight out of one of your old podcasts."

He smiled "I thought the phrasing came easy."

"Next you say 'and the risk of injury or worse becomes reality.'"

"You like my podcasts?"

"I was one of your first 700 followers."

I felt reassured because my courage had been tested that summer I'd fought wildfires. My crew had gotten into one particular hairy situation when the wind suddenly picked up and the fire jumped over our fire line leaving us cut off. But I stayed calm on the outside (screaming on the inside) and we found a path out that wasn't too bad.

We heard a call of "Bartender" from the other end of the bar.

Otis said "Sorry." I nodded understandingly.

Exactly why had I chosen the security of the office job over a life of service and excitement? I couldn't exactly remember. I think it had something to do with avoiding the "frat house" atmosphere of the firehouse. Little had I known what a morass of office politics and frat house behavior the office would develop into. I was ready for a change.

I knew I could do it physically. During my summer as a National Park firefighter I hadn't noticed one of my running shoes had gotten a hole till too late. Wound up with Plantar Fasciitis, a fancy word meaning I had some swelling in my foot that caused pain. The biggest disgrace to a firefighter is not being able to perform on the fire ground. But I didn't say a word. Just wore my heavy boots and toughed out the final month like a big, tough firefighter. (Took a while for my foot to heal after toughing that out and fighting those last couple fires.)

I paid my tab and walked to the el. A quote from another of Otis' podcasts came to mind. "Sometimes there are memories you wish you could forget. Like the first time you see a fatal car crash… Given enough time painful memories fade. But for those of us on the job we don't have that time. We see tragedies every day. We learn to cope. But there are some calls man. They rub you so raw you just can't shake it."

Well I supposed I learn to cope to if I did it. Wasn't sure how.

Joyce and I got home at the same time. We brushed our teeth and went to bed. She fell right asleep since we'd gotten up early that morning to fly back (only to wait while our flight was delayed.) But I started wondering not so much what would happen if I got the job next year but what would have happened if I'd gotten on years ago.

I must have kept wondering it when I went to sleep because I remember dreaming about the life I could have picked. The weirdest part wasn't the dream it was how clearly I remember it.

Author's Notes-Don't worry, Tycho will not turn into a Mary Sue [wish fulfillment character.]

The quotes from Otis's podcasts are from the season one DVD extras, podcasts 12 and 1 respectively.