Run. Run. Keep running, don't stop. Find your guards before they find you. I can't think of anything else. All I know is that I have to run. Survive. Stay alive. The floor is cold against my bare feet, my whole body is cold.
"My God, it's the Queen."
I look up, my feet have stopped now. I see guards. Are they my guards? Or my rapists? Catherine. I see Catherine. I've never been so happy to see her; a slight moan escapes my mouth. My eyes tear up at the sight of her, I begin to speak, "Cath…"
"Get back to your posts. The Queen will be with me." Her voice was sharp, demanding. It made me flinch. This did not go unnoticed by her, her eyes bore into mine. It's like she already knows. She knows that I was… that I was hurt. The guards lead us to her chambers and then quickly headed to their posts, not wanting to see what happened to those who dared to defy Queen Catherine in this situation.
"Mary, wha… where is Francis? Do you know?"
I look for a place to sit, to hide. There is no good place, so I pace the room like my life depends on it. I do not wish to conversate with Catherine or anyone at this point. I can barely hold myself together. Physically or mentally.
"They… they said that he wasn't in the castle, that he wasn't hear at all. And when they realised that they had failed, that's when they…"
"Oh my dear child -"
"No! No! No."
I back away, startled. Pity. Here it comes. Cold, useless pity. I cannot think about this. It didn't happen. How could the Queen of Scotland be… be raped?
"What did they do to you?"
I look straight at her. Her eyes can see my shattered soul, I'm sure of it. Is that compassion I see in her eyes? Surely not? For even she has tried to ruin my virtue by force and has tried to murder me in cold blood.
"Protestants came looking for Frances and they were going to kill him. I fought them off, I hit one of them in the head and the other one…" I look down at my sleeve, unable to say the word. To physically say that I was… that I was raped.
"I am only going to ask you this once, so we are both clear on what you've endured this night. Were you raped?"
I cannot respond. I slide down to the floor, curling up into myself as it is the only way I can manage to hold together to the best of my ability. The air is thin. It hurts to talk, it hurts to breath. I can barely hear Catherine over the sound of my own wailing cries.
"I know you don't want to be touched, that's alight. But you're safe. I don't know how you managed to escape, but you did. You are alive. You will survive this. I know this, because I survived. You know that too. They tried to destroy you by taking your pride and your strength, but those things cannot be taken, not from you, not ever. We are going to change your cloths, fix your hair. We are going to erase any mark of their hand on you."
Just go. Please Catherine, leave me be. I'm so tired.
"Please leave me be."
"We are, we are going to do this for you and for Francis and for Scotland and for France. They tried to diminish a King tonight by degrading a queen and they will not succeed, because the world will never know what they did to you."
She's insane.
"It's not possible."
"It is because you will walk out of here and you will face your court as if this never happened."
Truly insane.
"No, I can't. I can't!"
I cry even harder, the thought of presenting myself as if nothing is wrong seems impossible. They will see right through me, I'm sure of it.
"Yes, you can. You have to. Mary, your guards saw you. You must put to rest any rumors immediately. These next moments of your life will either define you as a victim or a powerful queen untouched by a failed assassination attempt. They will define who you are perceived to be. Your place in history. Do not let them win."
I stare at her outstretched hand as she is crouched down next to me as if I am a wild animal that can easily be scared off or stepped on, or maybe both.
"Trust me," she says, "Trust me and let me help you. Trust that I can get you through this, because I swear to you that I can."
For a second, I believe her. For a second I feel whole again. Maybe their is light to this dark story after all. Even if that means trusting a wolf.
Hours after facing the court, Catherine allows me to stay in her chambers on the couch. Few words are spoken between us until Frances arrives. When he does my blood runs cold again. It's as if I'm becoming the ice queen myself. It's not until I hear Catherine's soft voice that I realize that Francis is staring at me with questions swimming in his eyes. Eyes that I cannot bare to meet.
"I'm sorry what?" I ask coming out of my daze.
"Shall I go?" Catherine repeats, directly facing me this time. A kind look on her face.
"Please stay," I say. The words make me feel so small. So powerless and cold.
Catherine looks surprised for a moment, then she shakes it off and returns to her normal professional demeanor. She walks over to where I have now sat up on the couch and takes the seat next to me. Her hands slowly reach out to hold mine and I let her. Her touch is soft, delicate. Its keeping me from retreating to the back of my mind as I have done so many times this evening.
"What's going on?" Francis asks, clearly confused at our...my current state. I am all but clinging onto Catherine's hands now. As if should I let go, I would surely drown. At least she doesn't seem to mind.
"The guards, they said you remained in you chambers untouched. That they were forced out of the castle before any permanent harm could be done."
I'm not sure whether or not these are questions or statements, but none the less I must answer.
"I lied. Catherine lied," I take a deep breath and close my eyes to steady myself. Catherine gives my hands a squeeze and I open my eyes to see her give me a very small, but reassuring smile. She nods. Silently, we have an understanding.
"I was raped," I say firmly. Francis takes this in for a minute, then he responds walking towards us. Towards me.
"Oh, Mary -"
Suddenly all I can see is him. My rapist coming for me. I start to panic. My throat is swollen shut and I cannot breath. I feel someone squeeze my hand and I see Catherine scolding her son, my rapist is no longer in the room.
"Don't come any closer, for God's sake, Francis. Can't you see she's been through enough without having to deal with your emotions tonight?"
Silence takes over the room.
"I'm sorry Francis, I didn't mean to unravel on you in such a way," Catherine breaks the silence, "Tonight has not been a good one as any can see."
Francis nods his head and takes a few steps back. My breathing has slowed almost back to normal now; however, I am still holding onto Catherine's hands for dear life. I can't move, I'm so tired. I'm ready for this day to end.
"I believe that Mary should stay with me tonight. Is that alright, dear?" She asks me gently. I just nod in agreement, trying to avoid Francis gaze. "Mary I am so sorry. I-"
"That's enough for tonight Francis. Lets us all rest."
Francis looks as if he was defeated in battle as he stalks towards the door. He gives one long last look at me. I cannot hold his gaze, for I am too ashamed. "Goodnight."
And with that the door to Catherine's chamber closes behind him, leaving only us queens.
"Let's get you ready for bed, shall we?" Catherine helps me up, dresses me in her own silk nightwear. Its soft, almost as soft as her hands.
"Thank you, Catherine. For tonight. For everything. Thank you for being someone I could trust." She smiles at me. Something about her smile seems off, but I refuse to push the matter, at least until morning. I begin to head towards the couch I was laying on before Francis came in, but Catherine stops me.
"Please, the bed is big enough for the two of us and you need a decent night's rest. The couch is no fit place of sleep for a queen," She states half jokingly as she climbs into her bed. I follow suite. The candles have been put out and it's completely dark.
"Catherine?"
"Yes, my dear?"
"I see him. He's everywhere. Everywhere when I close my eyes," I sound so weak. So broken. But I can't help it. He is everywhere. Its terrifying.
"Take my hand. Take my hand, Mary and feel my warmth." I do as she commands. "Feel the warmth of my hand and focus on it. Focus on the feel on the bed beneath you. Feel the pillow under your head. Smell the candles that we just put out. Bring yourself to the present, don't leave your mind in the past.
It works. I can still see him, but it's less now. I don't feel like I'm under him anymore. I'm beside the Queen, the former Queen of France.
"Now close your eyes and sleep, my darling. I'll be here if you need me."
And I do. I sleep. Our hands still tightly holding onto one another, ready to catch whichever one of us falls first.
It's not until the next afternoon that I awake, the sun shining in directly in my eyes. Momentarily blinded I stretch my stiff limbs to find myself in another's chambers. For a moment I forgot the events of last night, but it all comes rushing back as if it happened moments ago. I wipe the sleep from my eyes as look to right of me. Catherine is gone. I sit up and look around, she is nowhere in sight. I take in a deep breath, but my body forces me to stop and suddenly I am overcome with a deathly coughing fit. Water. I need water.
I pry myself from the comfort of Catherine's bed and stumble to the water pitcher on her table in front of the window. I pour myself a glass and eagerly drink two full glasses. Better. Finally able to breath again I begin to return to my own chambers, but something catches my eye outside of the window. Frances. Catherine. What on Earth is going on? Are they arguing? Surely not.
As I make way to my chambers, I pause. That's where it happened. I cannot go back there. I stop the first servant I see. "Go to my chambers and fetch my black dress. Have it brought to Queen Catherine's chambers, please," I tell the young girl.
"Yes, your grace," she turns and hurries to complete her new task. Her long dark brown hair swishing like a horse's tail. A thought comes to mind. "And my riding boots!" I call down the hall to her. She looks back at me, nods, and then continues to my chambers.
Today, I will ride away from my fears. I will face them another day.
