Totally not the pairing I usually do, so I hope I didn't totally screw it up.

For everyone that does not know, I promised a reader ( you know who you are ) that I would write this pairing for whichever came first. A birthday, or Christmas. Now anyone that reads my LJ for anything but the smut knows where I've been since Christmas. So I have to hope I am not hurt for having this up late.

So happy Christmas to you whose gift this is. XD I had fun writing this, I actually did. I hope it's not too terrible... it's absolute nonsense and you'll see what I mean by that. But hey, I had fun writing. I hope you have fun reading. You deserve the gift. Thanks for being so great.


Once Upon a Headache

Greed was not a man of great wealth, or power. Such things were for the top members of the military who controlled the country he still had the unfortunate luck to live in. As it was, Amestris was rather as good as it was ever going to get. Which didn't make the other countries seem to noteworthy. He was content though with his simple life. Pillage, plunder, go back to the hideout to get drunk. That was the cycle of his life, and he was fine with it. There was nothing wrong with being a "common" criminal.

Besides… the rest of society didn't want him. He had learned that from a young age. Just as he had learned that the only people he could trust were those like himself. Outcasts of society.

As a child he had been tormented, called names, and had seen the side of children that was not pure and innocent. All because he looked different. All because his teeth happened to be sharp. He had been called many things as a child; unnatural, vampire, freak. But that was nothing, nothing, compared to the strife his given name caused. He had not named himself, his parents had named him. How was he supposed to help it? He wasn't greedy… he wasn't! He wanted so little in life, he gave so much protecting the only people he could call friends. The group of ruffians he led.

Over time he'd developed a thick skin to the bitter insults. But with that thick skin came the wanting of knowledge to protect himself. And the knowledge to protect those like him. That was when he'd turned to learning self-defense of all forms. Hand-to-hand, blade, gun… he'd learn everything he could if he could find someone to stick around long enough to teach him.

He didn't want anything more than his simple life among those who he protected and trusted. He was fine with being a criminal. He liked his life. Change was something he didn't want.

Change was something that came like an anvil from the heavens one mid-April day.

"Hey boss. Boss!"

Greed groaned as he eased a kink out of his neck, and sat up in bed causing the thin cotton blanket to drape around his waist, exposing his naked torso. "What is it now? I swear if someone lit their hair on hair again because of absinthe it's their own damn fault this time. It's-" he looked at the beaten up and marred clock on his bedside table, "-four in the fucking morning."

The rather pudgy man who'd burst into the private room of their ringleader stopped beside the bed anxiously. "There's a whole company of State militia out there! They're demanding everyone assemble outside."

Greed blinked at him dully, and flopped back against his bed. "And how the hell did they get past the sentries?"

"Um… the sentries are already out there as well, they were herded in." Was the embarrassed sounding answer.

One eye peeked open at the other man, before Greed let out a weary sigh. "Fantastic. Well go on, get yourself outside. As far as anyone's concerned, I'm not here." He said, and pointedly yanked the covers over his head with a jaw-splitting yawn.

"They kind of already know you're here, boss." The man corrected hesitantly.

"And which imbecile told them something like that?" Came the muffled question from under the blanket.

"Billy."

"I think I'll have to light Billy's hair on fire." Greed decided, and tossed the thin blanket from his naked form. "After I get rid of the damn uppity soldiers. Go." He said as he stooped over to grab his clothes from where they lay on the floor.

Greed dressed, sighing all the while. It seemed about the right thing to do at the moment. Once he had finished dressing in his usual attire he pulled on his heavy combat boots before stomping grumpily from his room.

He passed by the mess of the now empty bar that doubled as his hideout and a revenue source. He was sure that's what the military was here for. To try and collect taxes again. He'd gladly tell them again where they could shove their taxes. There would be a brawl again, which he and his crew would win again, and they'd have to repeat this all again next year. He was bored of the cycle by now.

Stomping out into the darkness of an ungodly four a.m., Greed sneered around at the assembled militia on their horses. It seemed that last year too many valuable military vehicles had either been blown up, or sold on the black market once they'd been spirited away from the unfortunate military personnel.

"Is this all of you?" One of the men bearing the insignias of a sergeant and sitting astride a mouse brown horse called out to the assembly of various drunks, criminals, drunk criminals, and a less than impressed boss of said criminal assortment.

No one answered, and Greed sighed to himself as he felt eyes being directed towards him. "I believe the better question would be, 'is this all of you?'." He rephrased, locking eyes with the red haired sergeant. "I believe last time there were a good ten more men. Is the Amestris master of arms this confident that you lackeys have improved that much?"

There was a smattering of appreciation from those standing on the ground. Those on the horses however looked less than amused.

"Hold your tongue." The sergeant growled. "I know all about how tough you think you are. And while I'd love to teach that brazen attitude of yours a lesson," -Greed smirked-, "I am not here to play games with common criminals."

"Don't say it like you have no respect." Greed told him as he swept a calculating eye over the man. "I'd rather be a common criminal leading my own life, than obeying the whims of some person sitting in an armchair."

"Enough!" The man barked with a flushed face.

Greed held back a chuckle, it seemed that he'd struck a nerve.

"I am Sergeant Graves and I have orders to take all the men here to Central Headquarters." He snarled out.

Greed arched an eyebrow, crossing his arms imperiously over his chest. "And you believe that we'd come willingly why? Because I must say, I see no challenge in putting a man named Graves in a grave." It hurt a bit to use someone's name against them, as had been done to him. But he would also not allow some lackey of the Amestris military to presume to order him around.

"Because prophecy of fate has preordained it."

"Uh-huh." Greed deadpanned, and glanced around at the other blank faces, and some snickering ones of his fellows. "Well that's inspiring I must say. Do lead on."

"You'll come?" Sergeant Graves looked understandably shocked.

"Of course…!" Greed declared with an upward flair of his arms, "not." He finished, his arms flopping back down to his sides abruptly.

"As ridiculous as it seems that one of you insects might actually be the one to slay the vampire Dante and save Edward Elric, the beloved son of-"

At this point, Greed stopped listening. Instead he inclined his head to inspect the claw-like nails of his left hand with great interest. He'd chipped the side of one somewhere, and another had a speck of dirt underneath the tip. How had that dirt gotten there? He scraped it free.

"-promised fiancé to-"

Was that a freckle?! Wait, nope, false alarm. More dirt. He swore he'd showered last night. Maybe he needed to wash his sheets again.

"-one of the most brilliant minds of this era-"

So how had the twit wound up getting kidnapped? Wait, he wasn't supposed to be listening. Turning back to his nails he frowned at a white fleck of discoloring in the nail. He hated those spots. Where'd they come from anyway?

"Are you listening to me?!" Sergeant Graves screeched, raising the dead in the process.

The man standing nearest Greed nudged him insistently. "Uhm, boss?"

Greed snapped back to attention, glancing quickly around to see Sergeant Graves wearing a seething expression, and the man who'd nudged him looking a bit anxious. "What? Is he finally done blathering on about this Elfard?"

"Edward!" Sergeant Graves corrected waspishly.

"It is no concern of mine whether your Edward is… what was it again?"

"Rescued from the evil vampire Dante!"

"Hah!" Greed grinned, exposing his sharpened teeth. "You really should have thought of that before you drug me out of bed before eight in the morning! I'm done with this circus." He announced, turning to head back inside.

Sergeant Graves continued to seethe in irritation. "You'd be committing treason by not coming with us!"

"I answer to no flag."

"But the Code criminals live by established one hundred and six years ago-"

"One hundred and seven." Greed corrected off-handedly, still walking away.

"-calls for you to defend all virgins!"

Greed's eyes widened, and he nearly choked on the air as he bit back a laugh. Whirling around he ignored the various amused looks on the faces of the others around him. "I don't even know who wrote that stupid law. We're criminals! We rape! The only reason we'd defend them is so we can deflower them." He rolled his eyes.

"Be that as it may-"

"Defend all virgins. How the hell am I supposed to believe that this Edward of yours isn't a whore?"

The military company gasped collectively. The criminal company laughed collectively.

"Edward Elric is not a whore!" Sergeant Graves exclaimed furiously.

"Who-ore." Greed drawled out with a smirk. "He's a whoring whore."

Sergeant Graves was nearly purple in the face by now. "As rude and offensive as I find you, and detest taking you back to Central, I must. As you cannot prove that Edward is a…"

"Whore." Greed supplied with a wave of his hand.

Sergeant Graves shuddered at the word. "Then you have no grounds on which to stay. So come along."

Greed sighed laboriously, and while he hated to admit it, the guy had a point. Evidently he'd done his research on criminals before coming here. One of the few things of this morning that he could appreciate the amusement in. "Fine." He growled as he turned back around. "I do hope you brought enough horses for the rest of us?"

Sergeant Graves smirked. "As much as I'd like to force you to walk the entire way, this is a matter of urgency. You and all the other men here will be riding tandem."

Greed raised an eyebrow at this. "You've hardly enough horses. Can't you count? So I suggest you come back at a later date with more horses. Apparently things aren't as urgent as you'd like everyone to believe."

"I suggest some of you start running along ahead then." Sergeant Graves suggested with an imperious smile.

"Yes, run along ahead everyone!" Greed proclaimed, causing all but his personal group of underlings to split off in all directions at a run and into the trees. The six that remained gathered around behind him looking amused.

"That was not what I meant!"

"Oh? My mistake." Greed simpered, and gestured for the males of his band of criminals to follow him as he walked towards the horses and nervous looking militia soldiers. "Now then, I think I'll be riding with you, Graves."

"You will do no such thing!" Sergeant Graves protested, backing up his horse.

Greed however, was quicker.

Soon he sat behind the Sergeant, gripping him firmly around the middle with one arm.

"Get the hell off! You're squeezing too tight!"

"Oh shut up and let's get going my pretty little mare. You won't be able to buck me off."

Somehow bloodshed was avoided, and Greed found himself being whisked off to Central. They rode through the entire day, which was uneventful aside from Greed's pestering of Graves. This was definitely not a ride that would be sung about centuries to come. This was just the ride where the reluctant would-be hero of the story got to ride a four-footed beast of burden as nothing more than unwanted cargo. It was truly a less than groundbreaking moment.

By nightfall they stopped to make camp.

Greed found he and his comrades in arms being watched over by four armed soldiers wearing looks of exhaustion and mistrust. Oh how easy they'd be to overpower. He sat down to build a fire with his crew, still being observed by the uniformed vultures.

"Boss, shouldn't we just take them out and steal the horses?" One man whispered in the sparking light of the fledgling fire.

Greed shook his head. "No. Normally I'd say yes, but they're giving us a free ticket into the Headquarters of Central. We'll come out a lot better than just a few average horses once we rob the place." He replied quietly.

There was murmured agreement, the boss had a good point. They would cooperate… for now.

"Stop talking over there!" The voice of Sergeant Graves barked in annoyance.

Greed glared in his direction. "I think someone's of the wrong gender. He's PMS'ing worse than a woman."

Before long Greed stretched out languidly on the ground, making sure to yawn quite loudly and for a labored period of time. Smacking his lips together while making various noises of contentment he began scuffling around on the ground as if trying to find the best piece of rock covered dirt to sleep on.

By the time he did fall asleep, he'd successfully annoyed every Amestris soldier.

Which is probably how he earned a sharp kick to the shoulder by one such armed soldier the next morning just before dawn.

"How nice of you to provide breakfast." Greed growled, reaching out to try and grab the offending leg.

The soldier whose leg was in danger scampered back while cocking his rifle. "On your feet! We're moving!"

"None of us have eaten in over a day now." Greed said as he stood, fixing the soldiers he could see with an icy stare. "We're here to possibly do you all some sort of good will service. We're not prisoners. Therefore we require food, or we go back home."

"But the Code-"

"The Code does not tell us to starve just for one measly virgin!" Greed cut Sergeant Graves off. "Now feed us, give us water, or we leave."

Within minutes he and his fellows had been presented with granola bars and water. Which while left much to be desired on the palate, was better than nothing. Only then did Greed allow the soldiers to order them back up on the horses.

Greed ended up with Sergeant Graves again, much to the sergeant's chagrin.

This time as they rode, Greed whistled a cheerful little tune in the highest pitch he could manage. It certainly made his morning more fun. However he wasn't sure he could say the same for the Sergeant whose ear he made sure to whistle almost directly into. He came to the conclusion that the Sergeant needed to loosen up with some whiskey and men. Or women if that was his preference. So he mentioned that in a lull of his whistling.

"I will not be sexually harassed by a thief!" Was his cutting answer.

"Oh I wouldn't be in your bed, don't worry. Even to steal away this tension of yours." Greed forced out a giggle. Yes, a giggle. But the effect it had on the man he was annoying was worth the giggle.

This ride was as dull as the one the previous day. The only bright side to the continuous trotting of the horses through miles upon miles of topography that looked exactly the same, was that they would arrive at Central that afternoon.

As afternoon came, so did the skyline of Central. The imposing looking buildings, the simple cookie-cutter houses, the restaurants and cafes lining the streets packed with people just waiting to be mugged.

Greed continued whistling all the way to the gates of Central Headquarters, wherein he paused his whistling to grin devilishly at the unsuspecting monument to military power. He would soon be able to rob it of its most valuable items and race back home to sow his fields of glory. The money some of the stuff in there could probably fetch enough either for ransom or merchandise on the black market to keep his fellow criminals here with him now well provided for. He wanted them to have no concern about money, and this was one more way to get to that point.

Once in the courtyard, he swung off the horse, and patted Sergeant Graves's knee. "I had fun, do stop around later so you can try that kicking of my ass you think you're capable of." He then snapped his fingers at his comrades and strolled up with them towards the massive crowd of other men. There had to be at least several hundred.

And all of them were bound to have something worth stealing.

Greed gave a nod towards the others, and they fanned out to make their way into the crowd. It was time to do some shopping while they were here. And he stepped into the crowd as well, slipping easily in between the packed bodies as his hands snaked into pockets without ever being felt. Everything he touched that felt of money he pocketed into his own clothes.

It was how, twenty minutes later, he reached the end of the wall of men. Instead before him now was a strange red stone set upon a white pillow resting on a short ornamental pillar. Gathered at the back in a line facing the crowd were clearly the higher members of the military. It was hard to see their insignias from here, but Greed knew most of the faces. He knew that the Fuhrer was present.

It was a shame he wasn't an assassin. That man made his life a lot more tiresome than it should be.

A guard was now calling forward another man from the crowd, and ushering him forward.

Greed watched as this individual, clearly a baker from the flour all over him, be led over to the small red stone, -Greed was thinking a ruby perhaps-, and bid to touch it. He had no idea what that was supposed to do, because it looked to him like the inanimate stone did just what it was supposed to do. Remain inanimate. And yet the baker, guard, and the assembled high rank military leaders all seemed to groan and deflate.

He was obviously missing something.

He watched as this repeated several times, all with the same result. By now he was growing bored, and was wondering how much that stone would fetch for ransom. It was clear that it was of some stupid importance to some people here.

Greed started to turn away, thinking it was time to see if any more people had arrived that he could rob. He could only watch this lame scene for so long before his brain cells started to melt.

"Where do you think you're going?"

Greed turned to see a caramel blonde man of maybe nineteen or twenty standing there with a frown that even reached his oddly colored golden brown eyes. He wasn't dressed in a uniform, but it was clear from the way he was carrying himself that he was of some importance here. "Me?"

"Yes you." The man rolled his eyes in exasperation.

"Somewhere other than where I was standing, obviously." Greed pointed out.

The young man's frown did not waver. "If you're in such a hurry to move around, you can be next." And he looked for the guard. "This one!"

"Yes, Alphonse, sir." The guard replied as he hurried over.

"Alphonse?" Greed echoed as he allowed himself to be led towards that red stone.

"Yes." Alphonse replied as he stepped after them, cutting in front of Greed long enough to grab his hand and take back his wallet. "And that, belongs to me."

"You're good." Greed grinned at him. "Have you been robbed before?"

Alphonse smirked, pocketing his wallet again. "You're just not good enough."

Greed snickered, and nodded in acceptance. "Evidently not. Nicely played." He couldn't help but have some respect for this Alphonse if he had noticed so fast he'd been robbed, but had not caused a scene. The man looked young, but he was no immature child.

"Thank you." Alphonse said with a bit of a smile, and waved them forward. "And don't even think about stealing the stone either."

Greed winked at him, and finished his walk towards the stone. "So-o why do I need to touch it?"

Alphonse waved away the suddenly irate looking guard. Luckily the Fuhrer or anyone else over there seemed not to have heard the question. "Well if you're like everyone else so far, it'll be absolutely pointless."

"That sounds really inspiring." Greed told him frankly.

"But," Alphonse continued, "if you're not like everyone else, the stone will light up. And you will be the chosen one to go rescue my brother."

Greed stared at him. "Wait, your brother? So why haven't you touched it? Wouldn't you be the best equipped?"

"The prophecy is at least clear in the fact that someone of the same blood cannot be the rescuer." Alphonse said calmly.

"But it's a vampire." Greed reminded him, "anyone can kill one of those. You just wave some garlic around to paralyze it and then stick it with a stake. I'm surprised this brother of yours hasn't managed that by now."

Alphonse opened his mouth to reply, and then closed it. That actually was a very good point. "Huh. That's… just touch it."

Greed smirked, "you can admit I'm right. It's okay." He said, and reached out to touch the stone.

The next thing he knew he was seeing red and on his back in the middle of the courtyard while people gasped and many yelled angrily.

Alphonse quickly knelt to help the man up. "Are you okay?"

Greed accepted the help, and staggered on his feet for a moment before he balanced out. "What the fuck was that?"

"The stone." Alphonse filled in as he slowly released his hold on the man to be sure he wouldn't fall again. "You made it light up. You're the one who is destined to rescue my brother."

Greed looked around at the surprised and sometimes angry crowd before groaning. "Well fuck."

Alphonse looked torn between showing sympathy and laughing.

"This is the one?"

Greed and Alphonse turned at the voice of a man whose face Greed did not know. But his insignias classified him as a general. He was at least forty years old with mottled skin and a thick jaw. His build was like a bulls, thick and stout.

"Yes." Alphonse said with a smile, but it was a forced one at best.

"Who the hell are you?" Greed asked, feeling very much like groaning some more. How the hell had he been chosen by an inanimate stone to go rescue someone? This wasn't his problem.

The man blinked in shock, and began to purple in the face. "Insolent whelp. How dare you?"

"Stop it, both of you." Alphonse said before a fight could break out. "Evyll, this man is the one the stone chose. So treat him with respect."

Greed blinked at the young man. He was starting to develop a bit of a liking to the youth. He would have made a great addition to his band of criminals if he were of the mindset. Now he looked at the other man. "Evil? Your name is Evil?"

His eyes flashed angrily. "It's not spelled how it sounds."

Greed shrugged, "not like I care."

"Just bring Edward back, alive, and untouched." Evyll sneered before turning on his heel to walk away.

Greed looked after him with a frown. "That guy has got something up his ass, and nothing fun I can tell you that."

Alphonse bit back a laugh. "He's always been like that. That and a right slime ball. I don't trust him."

Greed hummed an answer as he looked around. It seemed everyone else was already leaving. Including those of his crew, who were being led away with guns pointed at them. He raised his hands in a gesture of bewilderment.

"Now it's just you and me, let's go rescue my brother. We'd have a parade to send us off, but time is short." Alphonse said in a business-like tone as he checked his gun.

Greed looked back at him in disbelief. "You're kidding, right? I never signed up for this. I just wanted to come and steal some stuff and go home. Let your brother rescue himself. Or go alone."

Alphonse sighed, and took him firmly by the elbow. "Oh don't be such a coward."

"I am not a coward." Greed hissed at him.

"Then have some patience. With any luck we'll be home by tomorrow and you can collect your reward." Alphonse said as he continued marching them towards the gates.

Greed looked at him with interest. "Really? Reward? Do tell more."

Alphonse laughed, "it's enough to make all that money you stole from the crowd seem worthless."

Greed felt his respect for this man grow. "You could have been a criminal yourself you know."

"I've got a goodness complex."

Ten minutes later Greed was standing at the train station, waiting for Alphonse to come back with their tickets. Sure, he could have made his escape, but the lure of a large reward was more than he could pass up. He was wondering why the hell they were at a train station though.

"Something the matter?" Alphonse asked as he came back with tickets and two warm, soft pretzels. One he handed to Greed.

He took the pretzel with a muttered word of thanks. "Just wondering why the train. Doesn't seem very… noble."

"You don't seem like the noble type."

"When the hero of the story goes to rescue the person in distress, isn't there supposed to be some sort of long journey filled with danger?"

"If it makes you feel any better the tracks up ahead may be iced over."

Greed rolled his eyes as he gave a little shake of his head. He chose not to answer so that he could instead eat his pretzel.

After a while of waiting around doing absolutely nothing but eating, they boarded the train. Alphonse led them to a private compartment where they would be undisturbed. Technically Greed was not supposed to be in here, but Alphonse said he didn't care and would rather have some company.

"Aren't you worried at all that I might not be able to perform the very simple task of one-upping a vampire?" Greed asked as they both stared out the window to the platform they had been standing on.

"No." Alphonse answered, and looked over at him. "You aren't like a lot of those men there today. You've got a lot of balls first of all, stealing from all those people while in the presence of armed soldiers, then stealing from me, and then swearing in front of a general. I think you won't be the type of person to be fazed by anything."

Greed smirked over at him as the train began to move. "I've never been one to have fear. It comes with my line of work."

"Thievery?" Alphonse guessed.

"Mostly." Greed nodded with a flap of his hand. "It's a very prestigious line of work."

Alphonse smiled a bit, and rested an elbow on the ledge next to the window. "And being the chosen hero to save someone you've never met is just a side-job?"

Greed rolled his eyes, "I have no idea why I merit being chosen to save anyone. What the hell is that stone thing anyway? It's not functioning right."

"It's functioning fine." Alphonse assured him. "It's the Philosopher's Stone. It was the item that foretold the prophecy that my brother would be abducted one day by the evil vampire Dante. It also is the item that would choose my brother's rescuer."

"So why not kill Dante beforehand?" Greed asked. "Or hang garlic in your brother's bedroom."

Alphonse shifted in his seat, "because Edward wants to be rescued, and I don't blame him. I couldn't mention this when Evyll was nearby, considering the state of things."

Greed frowned at him, and began tapping on the windowsill with one long claw-like fingernail. "Why would he want to be rescued? And what does that ass have to do with it?"

Alphonse took a deep breath, letting it out in a sigh. "Edward is my older brother, my father is in a position of high power in the Amestris ranks. When Edward was five years old my father agreed to an arranged marriage with Evyll and my brother. My brother had no say in the matter, obviously. Or he wouldn't have picked that creep to be promised to. I mean, Evyll is only ten years younger than my father!"

"That is just a bit creepy."

"Yes! It is…" Alphonse looked away with a dark glare in his eyes. "This was Edward's chance to escape being married to that pedophile. As soon as we get back to Central, Edward and I plan to leave while everyone is drunk from the celebration of his return. We'd never be able to get away unnoticed otherwise."

"And where will you go?" Greed asked him, "you must know that you'll be chased after."

"Of course, and we'll go into hiding somewhere. Just as long as my brother doesn't have to marry Evyll."

"What about Evyll, did he not try to kill Dante to prevent all of this?"

"No. Everyone was too afraid to do anything, just in case killing Dante released some other sort of demon that we would have no warning of."

Greed supposed that the idea had its merits. "So you have absolute faith in me?"

Alphonse nodded. "I know you'll save him from Dante. So he can save himself from an arranged marriage."

Greed glanced back out the window, and mulled all of that over. He supposed as long as he got his reward he was fine with all of that. "So where are we headed anyway? Some remote castle? A murky swamp? A house that's falling apart and rumored to have ghosts?"

Alphonse gave him a weird look. "This isn't some sort of fairy tale. We're going to Risembool town hall where Dante has barricaded both herself and Edward inside."

"I should have guessed." Greed muttered to himself.

"For not wanting to be the hero, you sure do seem to be wanting the hero setting." Alphonse noted.

Greed smirked at him, "not my fault I have more creativity than a vampire. It was sort of forced into me from childhood, had to be creative to get through it."

"What happened in your childhood?" Alphonse asked, and when it seemed that he wasn't going to get an answer said, "it's a three hour train ride."

Greed gave him a frosty glower, only getting a smile in return. "Fine." He sighed, and sat up straighter. "My name is Greed."

Alphonse blinked at him as nothing more was said. "Okay, Greed, what happened in your childhood?"

Greed nearly gaped at him. "My name is Greed! Children always teased me."

Alphonse smiled at him. "It could have been worse. You could have been named Ima Evyll."

"That's his full name? Ima Evyll?"

Alphonse laughed, and nodded with a smirk. "Sad but fitting."

Greed crossed his arms with a huff of thoughtful breath. "Okay then." He uncrossed his arms to lean forward and parted his lips fully so Alphonse could see the sharp pointed teeth. "They always called me a vampire and stuff." He said as he sat back.

Alphonse pursed his lips, and finally nodded. "Okay, I'll give you that one." He decided, and not at all unnerved by the display. He'd seen scarier.

"Thank you, you bloody saint." Greed muttered as he turned back to staring out the window.

Alphonse merely smiled, and went back to watching the scenery as well.

Three hours later the train puffed into Risembool station. The tracks had been mercilessly left untouched by any ice that would have sent the lumbering hunk of metal careening out of control into the middle of an open field.

Greed and Alphonse disembarked and began to walk towards the town hall. Directions were not needed from the townspeople. All they had to do was follow the street vendors selling wooden crosses, silver stakes, and bulbs of rotting garlic. It was like a neon sign pointing the way to the den of the villain.

"What are you doing?" Alphonse asked as Greed strayed from the path.

"What does it look like I'm doing?" Greed retorted as he dug one of the wallets he'd stolen from his pocket and fished out a few bills which he handed to a vendor. "Thanks." He said to the man as he pocketed the wallet again and took his purchases.

Alphonse frowned, "ah, good idea."

"Of course it is. I'm the rescuer aren't I?"

"You're not a hero until my brother is rescued safely."

Greed flapped a noncommittal hand. "Technicalities. Now stay outside. I can't be bothered rescuing your ass too you know. The reward's only for the rescuing of one person."

The town hall building was like its own ghost town. All humans were keeping a good two hundred yard radius, and said humans were protecting themselves with the usual suspects to ward off a vampire. The old wooden building, ironically looking like a reused church building, was mere wood and nails. What windows there were, were small and covered in dust and grime.

"Well, go on then." Alphonse said as he made for one of the windows. "I'll watch from out here."

Greed sighed, and sauntered up to the building. Time to get this circus over with. What he wouldn't give to have just stolen the horses and been done with it. But oh well. When he returned home he'd just have to go kill something. Pillage, plunder, go back to the hideout and get drunk. Let the cycle repeat until this memory was sitting at the bottom of a bottle and a pool of blood.

So he walked up to the barricaded door and without breaking pace, promptly kicked it open.

The door snapped in half, splinters flying everywhere through the air and dust rising from the wounded door. The noise was like a gunshot, and the door clattering inside on the floor in a heap of wreckage was no better a sound.

"He has absolutely no finesse." Alphonse muttered to himself.

Greed marched inside, glancing around the dusty interior littered with… stuffed animals?

The inside of the one-room town hall was absolutely littered with stuffed animals. Big ones, small ones, purple ones, polka-dotted ones. They were covering almost every surface.

"Quaint." Greed muttered under his breath as he began to walk through the mess. "Where the hell is this vampire supposed to be?" Because he honestly saw nothing but mounds of stuffed animals.

"Right here!"

Greed looked over to see an old woman dressed in a ball gown that would have been in fashion maybe… a hundred years ago or so. She was plump around the edges, short, and clearly a vampire by the glitter of fangs evident as she smiled. "I'm supposed to kill you, so let's get this over with."

"Kill me?" She asked with a laugh. "That's what all of these ones tried to do." She waved a hand around at the stuffed animals littering the floor.

Greed looked around at them again. "You turned them into stuffed animals?"

"I like stuffed animals."

"I see." Greed muttered, wondering just how much weirder his day could get. "Well I'd like to try to kill you anyway."

Dante smiled, clapping her gnarled hands together in glee. "Perfect! I've always wanted to see what stuffed animal a chosen one of the Stone would become. Let's let Edward watch, hm?"

"Oh sure why not." Greed allowed with a flippant wave of one hand. "Let the little whore watch."

"I am NOT little!" A decidedly male voice shrieked.

There was a flash of gold, and suddenly Greed was kneeling on the floor swearing and holding his stomach in pain. "What the fuck?"

"Bit temperamental, isn't he." Dante nodded gravely.

"Bit, bit?! Who are you calling a BIT?!"

Greed looked up to see a sunshine blond man with flashing gold eyes glaring hotly at Dante. Standing up he saw that the fiery blond was a head shorter than him. He looked enough like Alphonse to tell they were related, but there was something different about Edward. He was actually quite handsome. He had none of his younger brothers remaining baby fat, and he carried himself like he'd been in quite the few fights.

"What are you looking at?" Edward asked with a glare.

"You." Greed smirked at him. "I was thinking you are definitely wasted on a guy like Evyll. My name's Greed, I'll be rescuing you today." He decided not to wonder where the cheesy line came from.

"Greed huh?" Edward mulled the name over. "Okay, good luck. You're going to need it."

"Apparently some prophecy says I'll be able to save you." Greed shrugged and turned towards Dante. "Really all you need is a bit of common sense."

Edward cleared off a chair of stuffed animals so he could sit and watch. So this was the man who prophecy said would rescue him from Dante? He let his eyes drift over the figure of the lean man. He was not bulging in muscle, but he moved like a panther. Whoever he was he was skilled at fighting, that much was clear. And he was one of the better looking heroes to show up over the past three days. Edward smiled, Greed seemed to have a nice ass on him as well.

Greed meanwhile was currently paralyzing Dante down into the fetal position with the garlic. All the while wondering why no one else had been able to get this far. Were others that inept?

"No… no!" Dante wailed continuously as she shrank into herself trying to escape the garlic.

"Are you just playing with me or something?" Greed asked her conversationally.

"No… it is because you have fangs too." She wailed.

Greed blinked at her, kneeling down as he kept the garlic hovering over her like an invisible restraint. "And?"

"You are a non-vampire vampire."

"Uh-huh. Anyway," Greed rolled his eyes, all the while thinking 'la-ame' to himself, "I'm going to kill you now. Okay?"

"No…" Dante wailed again.

Greed shrugged, and took the silver stake from his pocket to drive into where her heart should be. As it happened, Dante exploded into white light that obliterated the stuffed animals and knocked Greed out cold on the floor.

Edward, being the victim of all of this, was somehow miraculously spared from the white light. Something he found rather strange, but wasn't going to protest the way things worked out sometimes. Instead he rushed over to kneel down by Greed's side. "Was this all part of your plan?" He asked plaintively as he shook the limp shoulders.

"Brother, is he okay?" Alphonse asked as he came inside hesitantly.

Edward looked up at him, and smiled in relief. "Hey Al." He then looked back down at the unconscious man. "I dunno. Maybe go find some cold water we can throw on him."

Alphonse nodded, "I'll be back soon." He said as he turned out the door again.

"Finally!" Greed exclaimed as he quickly reached up to seize Edward by his shoulders and pull him down into a rough kiss.

Edward squeaked, and flailed to try and get away.

Greed smirked into the kiss and released the blond who yanked away from him with wide eyes.

"What the hell?!" Edward glared at him as Greed sat up.

Greed winked at him. "Just getting my personal reward from you."

Edward's glare did not fade. "You could have just asked, asshole." He said and reached out with one hand to grab Greed by the back of the neck firmly and pull him in for a proper kiss.

Greed chuckled deep in his chest as he pulled Edward into his lap, his hands wandering up under the blond's shirt. Feeling Edward nip at his bottom lip insistently he let the demanding blond in, trying to hold back a moan as that tongue moved against his own. Somehow between the distraction of that tongue and Edward's hands against his skin he ended up on his back with Edward on top of him.

Edward smirked as Greed groaned in protest when he broke away from the kiss. "Al should be back soon."

Greed sat himself back up, making sure Edward didn't tumble off but was sat back in his lap again. "So are you really a virgin?"

Edward raised an eyebrow. "Is this what you always say to people after they've kissed you?"

"No."

"Ah, so I'm somehow special? You think that because you rescued me you'd get to jump me as well one day?"

"Would that be so bad?"

Edward slipped away and stood up. "While kissing you was adequate, I am not a whore like you called me before. It was just a kiss, get over it."

There were the sound of footsteps and Alphonse came in the door before Greed could make a response. "Oh, he's awake now. Good work brother."

Greed smirked as Edward flushed a bit. "Yes, your brother does know how to help a person stay awake." He replied, seizing his chance to get back a little bit at the blond for having called him an 'adequate kisser'.

Edward flushed even more red, and glared at his rescuer. "Oh shut up. You did it first."

"You continued it."

"You're an asshole."

"Are you two done yet?" Alphonse smirked at the pair. Evidently something had happened while he had been away getting the now not-needed water pail he was holding in one hand.

"Not quite." Edward said as he calmly stepped over to grab the water pail, and promptly dumped it all over Greed. "Now I'm done."

Greed spluttered as he swept water from his face with a hand, and shoved his wet mop of black hair back out of his face again. "What the hell was that for?"

Edward glared at him. "Because you make me mad. I hope you enjoyed that kiss, because that's all you'll be getting." He turned to an amused looking Alphonse. "What are you smiling about?"

"Nothing." Alphonse said quickly.

Greed sighed inwardly. It seemed he might have to do some damage control with the fiery blond. Which was a completely foreign concept to him. And while it annoyed him that he was wet, and that he felt compelled to do something about Edward's irritation with him, he knew he had to. He was just annoyed that he felt compelled to do anything about it. Instead he should just want to collect his monetary reward and go home to forget about this whole event.

He got up to follow the cold aloof figure of Edward marching ahead, and the amused figure of Edward's younger brother. He had a feeling that the feast Alphonse had mentioned was going to be a long affair.

Much to his uncertainty, Edward's seething annoyance, and Alphonse's amusement, Greed found himself seated at the table of 'honor' right next to Edward. He was sure that Edward nearly stomping on his foot every ten seconds was an accident. Just like he was sure Edward hadn't meant to nearly spill wine all over him.

Greed sighed to himself, wondering how he'd ended up here. Why the hell had he allowed himself to be dragged so far along in this nonsense? Right, the reward. But even so it hadn't been at all like it should have been. It had been far too simple, and the person he rescued was far too hot-headed. "This sucks."

"Yes it does." Edward growled unhappily.

Greed glanced over at him. "I'm a criminal, Edward. I only agreed to go with the men to Central because they used the only Code that would have made me come. They told me you were a virgin. I asked to know whether or not I need to kill anyone when I get back and collect my reward."

Edward stabbed a cauliflower harshly. "Well I hope you enjoy your reward."

"What do you want of me?" Greed asked with a sigh. "You can't tell me that that kiss meant nothing. I was there for it too you know. And you weren't angry until I asked you that question."

Edward finished chewing the cauliflower looking irritated. "It did mean nothing. Now shut up and let me eat."

"Can't see why anyone would want to marry you anyway." Greed muttered and prudently ignored the frosty glare being sent his way.

Alphonse looked between them and sighed. They were both far too stubborn for their own good. Sure, Greed had probably asked a very inappropriate question for that point in time. But his brother was balking like a mule. No matter how much his brother insisted it meant nothing, it had. Alphonse knew that if Greed truly meant nothing, he wouldn't still be conscious.

"I hate you." Edward whispered to his steak.

"Try and kill me then why don't you." Greed hissed back. "I'm not too crazy about you either right now."

"Maybe I will."

Alphonse took this moment to accidentally interrupt their conversation to pretend as if he were very drunk. He had an idea.

"Al, you okay?" Edward frowned as his brother let out another high pitched giggle and nearly fell into Edward's lap.

Greed stood up, placing his napkin aside.

"Where do you think you're going?" Edward asked as he tried to steady his brother.

"To get him to bed of course." Greed said as he drug Alphonse to his feet by one arm, and tossed that arm around his shoulder. "Are you coming or not?"

"Of course I am." Edward said as he scrambled to his feet and took Al's other arm. "He normally doesn't get drunk."

"Well I'm a bit envious of him right about now." Greed replied as they began to make their way through the partying crowd and to the town inn where they'd been given rooms.

Alphonse smirked inwardly at his success at getting them at least together away from the rest of the crowd. Maybe they could talk properly then. He made it difficult, but eventually he was lugged to his room and dumped onto a bed where he proceeded to say goodnight to "Eddyward and Weed." Somehow he managed to keep from laughing.

Edward had his hands on his hips and was shaking his head as he looked down on his loudly snoring brother. "I hope he's not too hung over tomorrow morning."

Greed looked over at him with a faint smile. "Some coffee and chili pepper will do wonders."

"Chili pepper?" Edward asked curiously.

Greed nodded, "at least the crossbreed of chilies that one of my men grows. I own a bar, so I deal with hang over victims a lot."

"I see." Edward looked away. "Well I should turn in too." He declared and shoved his hands in his pockets as he headed to the door.

Greed watched him for a moment before stepping after him. "Edward, wait." He didn't think it would work, and was surprised when the blond did stop and turn towards him. "Listen, I'm not one to apologize for things I've said. I'm not always a nice person. But I am sorry for some of the things I said to you. I don't understand why I care what you think, but I do." When Edward didn't seem to be about to answer he continued. "I hope the man that marries you knows just how lucky he is to have you." He finished and left the room feeling better, but with a sad ache.

This whole trip was strange, with Edward leading the charge. He'd never wanted change… but this was change in its highest form. He'd been happy with his life… until he'd met Edward who was the exact opposite of all the easy bed-warmers he'd had. He wasn't sure who he was anymore. But it was clear to him he needed to get his reward and go back home. The sooner the better before he ended up a mess over some hot-headed blond who didn't even want him.

On the bed, Alphonse sighed as Edward left after a few minutes. Clearly his brother wasn't going to run after Greed. If he was wrong about them, then he was wrong. But he didn't think he was. Hoping for a better outcome tomorrow, he fell asleep still a bit hungry.

Morning came, and found Greed still asleep. It also found Edward slipping into Greed's room in order to wake the man up. He was a bit vexed by it, but Alphonse was having a hangover. It wouldn't be accurate to say that Edward was vexed about what Greed had said about him, he actually wasn't angry about it anymore. But he was mad that he couldn't stay mad at Greed. He wanted to be mad, it would make leaving him so much easier.

Edward walked over to the bed, his eyes sliding down the obviously naked man whose parts were somehow covered by a strategically placed blanket. He took a deep breath to try and settle the urge to do some very un-virgin like exploring of the body presented to him. Blowing the breath out slowly he reached out to brush his fingers over the warm skin of Greed's nearest shoulder. "Hey, wake up."

Greed didn't stir.

Rightfully suspicious that the man actually was awake, and waiting for another opportunity to kiss him, Edward continued to brush his fingers down the strong arm. "Greed, you are not going to convince me to come any closer. Now get up before I ask Al to get me another pail of water."

Still, Greed did not stir.

Edward supposed that he could actually still be asleep. "What sort of lame criminal are you if you aren't a light sleeper? I could have stolen all your things and been gone by now." He muttered as he sat down on the edge of the bed.

The next thing Edward knew, he was on his back, on the floor, pressing one hand to his sore jaw while the other tried to push him into a seated position. "What the hell?"

Greed sat up sharply, the blanket still effectively covering everything. "Oh fuck." He muttered to himself. Wasn't this just his luck? "Edward! I'm sorry, I didn't know it was you. I thought someone was-"

Edward raised a hand with a sigh. "Save it, I'm not hurt. It's just a bit tender. You glanced off."

Greed breathed a sigh of relief. "What are you doing in here?"

"It's time to leave." Edward said as he got up, still rubbing at his jaw.

"Oh." Greed deadpanned and glanced down at himself. "Mind leaving so you don't think I'm a flasher or something?"

Edward blushed and turned away. "We'll be outside." He said and left the room, but not before chancing one last look back inside to see Greed's eyes still on him. It only made him blush more and quickly leave and hurry outside to Alphonse.

Alphonse arched an eyebrow as his brother hurried over looking a bit red in the face and swollen along the jaw. "Brother, what happened?"

"He's getting dressed. He sleeps in the nude." Edward managed to say without turning any redder.

Alphonse smirked at that revelation. "Is he gifted?"

"Al!" Edward gasped but still couldn't rid himself of his blush. "I didn't see anything."

"But you wanted to." Alphonse prodded with an evil smile. "Fess up already, you like him."

"I don't like him!" Edward denied quickly, much too quickly. "He punched me in the face!"

Alphonse gave a short laugh which halted at his brother's glare. "Sorry, but if even I had punched you in the face… well let's just say I'd have heard him screaming."

"I can't like him, Al." Edward said as he looked away while wrapping his arms around his middle. "We're running away tonight."

Alphonse said nothing, and soon Greed had joined them. They walked to the train station in silence together. Alphonse left to buy the tickets while Greed and Edward took to standing on the platform not looking at each other.

It was Edward who spoke first. "I guess you'll be leaving Central as soon as you get the reward on returning back with me."

"I guess." Greed answered with a shrug of his shoulders. "I have looting to do. I'm sure my criminal band is worried about me."

"Oh."

Greed looked over at him now. "Why 'oh' in that tone of voice?"

Edward took a deep breath and though he knew he'd hate himself for this, asked it anyway. "You could at least come to the party tonight… see me off?" He asked as he looked over at Greed.

Greed, after a moment, nodded. "Okay. I'll stay for the party."

Alphonse, watching them from where he had finished buying tickets suddenly turned to a young girl about ten years old who was loitering around. "Could you do something for me…?"

Edward yelped as he was suddenly knocked into by a running and laughing child. Knocked off balance he flailed his arms as he toppled into Greed who caught him automatically. His first instinct was to push away and act irritated at the child, Greed, everything… but instead he stayed where he was.

Greed could barely dare to breathe as Edward stayed in his arms. He could sense the blond was uncertain, and he was in the same boat. Taking a chance he adjusted his arms around Edward so that the blond wasn't being held at such an awkward angle. Still Edward didn't move. It occurred to Greed that the blond might be injured. "Edward? Are you okay?" He asked quietly.

"No." Edward replied just as softly. How could he be okay? He was making an escape tonight from his pig fiancé. He was in the arms of a man he tried to deny even to himself that he liked. He wanted time to stop here and now and let him finally have some peace.

"Where are you hurt?" Greed asked in concern.

Edward looked up at him, and before he could even stop himself he leaned up to press his lips against Greed's. It took Greed only a surprised instant to react, but soon he was kissing back. Edward's hands found the powerful shoulders which he used to steady himself for a moment before pushing against them to break himself away from the kiss. "Sorry."

Greed didn't release him, but his eyes were confused. "I don't get it. What the hell do you want? Do you want me or not? Stop kissing me and then pushing me away, it's gotten old."

Edward looked away, "I'm not sure… I think I do… but even if I do I can't."

"That's stupid. Why the hell not?" Greed asked, releasing him now and taking a step away.

"I have to run away. The first place they'll think to look is wherever they found you." Edward said and looked back at him. "I'm sorry."

Greed sighed, and looked away. "I am too."

From a distance Alphonse sighed. It seemed like it might take some talking on his part to get through to his older brother.

The train ride back Greed declined to sit with the brothers in the compartment. Instead he sat out with the rest of the travelers. He decided it was for the best that he spend as little time around Edward as he had to. It seemed that Edward finally understood that he wasn't interested in just sex, nice though it would be. But he just wished that Edward would show the same amount of balls in this situation, that he had shown in deciding to try and run away from an arranged marriage. And it wasn't like he couldn't keep Edward and Alphonse out of sight.

Well, once he got back he could turn all his efforts into forgetting about the fiery blond who seemed to have captivated him.

Three hours later the train pulled into Central station.

There Greed disembarked without waiting for the brothers. He was halfway across the opposite road when Edward had finally caught up to him. "Go back to Alphonse." Greed said as he continued walking.

Edward felt his insides flip guiltily. "Greed-"

"Just go." Greed said shortly. "I have nothing I want to say to you. You were pretty clear earlier."

"It's for the best-"

"Then start convincing yourself that this is the only option and go away." Greed snapped at him. "Like I said, I'm not a nice person a lot of the time. I have to be going home now."

Edward stopped in the street. "But what about the reward?"

Greed sighed, and looked over his shoulder. "It's not the reward I want. Now go back to Alphonse." He looked one last time as a shocked expression passed over Edward's face, before he hurried away into the crowd of people.

He found a car someone had left with a window rolled down. He stole that car and began to drive himself back home. He had driven until dusk fell when his foot drifted over to the brake. He idled for a few minutes in the middle of the road staring ahead before he glanced in the rearview mirror.

Suddenly he was tossing up dirt with the tires as he headed the car back towards Central.

Edward was trying to keep from turning green as he entered the party dressed in his best suit. Even the knowledge that Alphonse was nearby did little to help him from feeling squeamish as Evyll came over to him to smother him in an embrace.

"Edward, my dear, are you unhurt?" Evyll asked in a simpering tone as he ran a hand through the unbound blond locks of hair.

Edward used all of his restraint to stay where he was and not shudder or pull away. "Would you like to be?" He asked instead with an icy glare.

"Now Edward." Evyll chastised him. "You've been like this for years, you should know I can't be chased away. You're promised to me, and I'll have you. In fact, as celebration for your return, I convinced your father to move the wedding up to tomorrow. So get used to the idea, because I promise I intend to make full use of you."

Even Alphonse turned an angry shade of white, and he reached out to yank his brother away. "Let me speak to him sir. I'm sure he's just still upset from the vampire incident. It's been hanging over his head for years, I'm sure he just needs someone to unload on."

"Good idea." Evyll nodded. "Yes, I'm sure it's just that." And he looked at Edward with a smile. "Talk to your brother, I'm sure you'll feel better afterwards."

Edward whispered a thank you to his brother as Alphonse led him away.

"Be careful." Alphonse whispered. "You need to get him nice and drunk after all."

Edward nodded, and gulped. "I hate that man."

"I thought you hated Greed?" Alphonse reminded him with a smile.

Edward turned sad eyes onto the floor. "No." He whispered, "and like an idiot I chased him away."

Alphonse shook his head, and placed both his hands on his brother's cheeks. "He'll be back. Wait and see, he won't give up so easily if he wants you. But do you want him?"

Edward met his brother's eyes, and smiled a bit.

"That's all I need to know." Alphonse smiled and released his brother. "Now go get Evyll drunk so we can spring this place and let you tell Greed you want to try that sleeping nude thing."

Edward glared at his laughing brother, and shook his head as he strode off purposefully. He had a "fiancé" to get drunk.

Nearly an entire bottle of whiskey later, Evyll was nearly falling over and seeing yellow leprechauns. Alphonse had worked on trying to get everyone else obscenely drunk. By the time the clock struck midnight, they were looking to be in the clear to make a break for it.

So they did.

Quickly they hurried out a side door and into the darkness surrounding the gated Headquarter building. They easily managed to climb over the high concrete block fence and down onto the street below. Already having their plan mapped out, they headed for a street not too far down where they'd stowed a car that contained everything they'd need.

They had nearly reached it when the headlights of a car came up behind them. Not wanting to bolt and look suspicious, they kept walking as the car approached. They were about to bolt when it nearly stopped beside them. As the door opened however Alphonse smiled.

"See. I told you he'd be back."

Greed gave Alphonse an indignant look. "I have no idea what you're talking about."

Alphonse grinned. "Hero complex much?"

"Shut up and get in the car." Greed rolled his eyes.

Alphonse lost no time in doing just that.

Edward however was still watching Greed. "Why'd you come back?" He asked as he stood there in hesitance and confusion.

Greed raised his hands up in a gesture of hopelessness. "It just so happens that I decided I didn't want to leave without my reward." He said and extended a hand to the blond. "But only if he wants to come with me. Don't say yes unless you mean it."

Edward looked down at the hand, and then back up at Greed before he broke out into a smile. "I really do hate you, you know."

Greed smiled back, "and you're a constant pain in my head."

Edward chuckled and with a grin, launched himself into Greed's waiting arms where he was quickly overtaken by a deep kiss. When Greed urged him up he obediently wrapped his legs around the other man's waist and clung for balance around his neck, still refusing to break the kiss. He did however pull away with a squeak of surprise when Greed nipped at his lip. "Your fangs are sharp."

Greed smirked, and nuzzled his neck before letting his sharp teeth drag lightly across the tender skin and draw moans from the blond clinging to him. "I may not be a vampire, but I suppose I could try and suck your blood if you like it kinky like that." He suggested as he began kissing his way along Edward's throat.

"Don't know." Edward admitted, "I'm a virgin. But if you don't plan to change that soon drop me off for my wedding tomorrow."

"Not a chance." Greed said firmly.

Alphonse stifled another laugh, and tried not to blush anymore than he already was. "Would you two lovebirds get in the car already?"

Greed laughed, and leaned their foreheads together. "Well?"

"Yes. I want to come with you." Edward replied, and then chuckled. "You know."

"Yes, both actually." Greed said and let Edward back down onto the ground. "Let's go home." He said, and leaned down to kiss Edward again quickly before drawing away.

Greed was not a man of great wealth, or power… but he did not need it. Not when he would come to realize that true love was not a myth, legend, or fairy tale. It existed.