Disclaimer: I don't own Sing! 2016. I like it, but I don't own it. I don't own any real-life brands or people mentioned in the story either, just in case anybody reading this gets any weird ideas. And finally, don't do this in real life, no matter how funny you think it is.
Johnny was having the best day of his life before he'd seen that car. He'd just been to see a movie with Ash, the girl that he loved, and now he was walking her back home while they talked about the movie they'd watched. She'd tried to convince him otherwise, since she was certain Lance, her ex, would stay away from her after the public humiliation he'd endured the last time he'd tried to get her back, but he insisted.
"I'd be a bad boyfriend if I didn't see you to your house safely," he insisted. "Especially with your whackjob ex."
"Whackjob?" Ash repeated, giggling. "What sort of a word is that?"
"It's a British thing. Calling somebody a whackjob is the same as calling them crazy," Johnny explained. Ash got the explanation, nodding as she looked into Johnny's dark, hypnotizing eyes . . . as she walked into a lamppost.
"Ow!" Ash yelped, rubbing her shoulder. Johnny, against his inhibitions, laughed.
"I'm sorry, Ash, you just look really cute when you're angry," Johnny giggled. Ash tackled him, pinning him against a wall and started tickling his ribs.
"Ahahahahahahahahaha! Ash, no!" Johnny squeaked, letting out a stream of giggles as Ash went for his navel. That was his worst spot, and she knew it well. "Plehehehehehease, mahahahake it stohohohop!"
"One thing you need to know, Johnny," Ash answered, now letting one finger explore his navel and her other hand squeeze his sides, making him double over with laughter, "it's that you never tell me that I look cute when I'm angry! Besides, you are the most adorable thing this earth has ever produced, especially when I do this." Now both hands squeezed his sides, and he couldn't help but laugh. His massive hands tried to bat her away, but they were met with spikes that pricked his fingers.
"AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Johnny begged. "I'M SOHOHOHORRY!"
"Fine, I'll stop," Ash said, as she switched from tickles to the soothing belly rubs she knew damn well that he liked. Johnny did a lot of ab exercises and sometimes just a loving but tight hug hurt him, so belly rubs were used to get rid of the pain. They still tickled a little, but Johhny said that they helped a lot, which cheered Ash up immensely.
"Ash, that feels really good," sighed Johnny, smiling now. "But not in public, please. People will look at us weird."
"OK, cutie," Ash cooed. "I can handle that. Besides, I've got a hobby I can entertain for a while."
"What's that?" Johnny asked, raising an eyebrow.
"Pedestrian-watching!" Ash exclaimed, jumping onto the wall and sitting on it. Johnny copied her. "It's amazing what people think they can get away with in public! Like that lady there! She's using her son to cover up one of her licence plates while she covers the other one! That's not going to help her when that police officer asks questions!" She pointed to a car about a block away from the apartment parking lot.
"You what?" Johnny asked, looking closely at the car. Sure enough, there was a young wolf nervously blocking the rear licence plate with his tail, as an older wolf, presumably his mother, brazenly stood in front of the other licence plate as she insulted the tired police officer, a rhino that looked like he just wanted his shift to end. It wasn't long until the wolf attempted to throw a punch at the police officer, who'd had enough of her antics and arrested her in front of the horrified child, who started crying. As the traumatised son wailed, the traffic warden radioed in to the station that they'd need a child protection official to supervise the child.
"Now that's something you don't see every day," Ash mused.
"I feel sorry for the kid," Johnny sighed. "And the police officer. He's just doing his job, and no kid should have to see their parent arrested. That stuff sticks with you forever."
"This world can be a depressing place sometimes," Ash sighed. "How can one person honestly believe that they can treat somebody that badly and get away with it? I hate entitled people." And with that, the two went into the apartment block Ash lived in.
They blocked the saddening memory from their minds by weaving in between cars, almost playing a game with each other to see who could get to the entrance first. It was getting really fun when they saw that they were being blocked by somebody that was really bad at parking, taking up two spots with a car that only needed one. It was a fairly expensive car, making Johnny feel a little more insulted at the sight of it. The gorilla cringed, and turned to Ash. "What were you saying about entitled people?" he asked.
"That I hate them," Ash answered. "I don't know who did this, but they're a massive jerk."
"Or as Gunter would put it, a dinkleschplat," Johnny joked. The pair giggled. "Now, how do we deal with them?"
"I remember seeing a video about a guy who parked in a disabled spot, so people covered his car in blue and white Post-It notes to make the disabled symbol," Ash remembered, then deflated. "But where will we get that many Post-Its from?"
"We won't need any Post-Its, Ash," Johnny answered. "I just wish there was a special parking spot just for this little princess. You know, like how disabled parking is labelled so people know not to park there."
Ash giggled. "You mean princess parking, right?"
"Exactly," Johnny grinned. "Is there a kids store around here?"
"A small place called Kid Cave down the street sells things for kids," Ash asked. "Why do you need to know now?"
"I've got an idea," Johnny answered. "Now which way is this shop you were just talking about?"
"Go left," Ash ordered, and the two ventured away from the apartment block and went to Kid Cave, which wasn't hard to find thanks to the teenaged panda standing outside wearing a red work uniform blowing bubbles.
"Excuse me, but can you show us to where the chalk is?" Johnny asked. "We're in a hurry."
"I have to stay outside and blow bubbles all day, but I can give you directions, since you're in a rush," the panda smiled. "They're at the back of the store, in the corner on the right, and usually on one of the top shelves. If you still can't find it, look for an employee."
"Thanks!" Johnny replied, taking Ash into the shop and immediately going to the back of the store. "Chalk, chalk, chalk . . . where'd they put it?" Johnny rummaged through the top shelves, growing more frustrated the longer he couldn't find it.
"Here, Johnny," Ash answered, taking a bucket of chalk from near her elbow and handing it to him. Johnny smiled, and Ash felt a little light-headed.
"Thanks, Ash," Johnny smiled, before taking it to the checkout and searching his pockets for just enough loose change to pay for it. Ash knew Johnny had already paid for the movie and snacks, so she paid this time.
"Here you go," Ash smiled, handing over the money before Johnny could protest. "Keep the change. Johnny, let's go." Ash took the bucket of chalk in one hand, Johnny's hand in the other, and walked him back to the apartment, where the badly-parked car (luckily) was still there. "Johnny, why do you need this? Kid Cave is meant for kids. The clue's in the name."
"Wait and see," Johnny replied, taking out a stick of pink chalk and writing a message. Ash was confused, before she covered her mouth with her hand and started laughing. Johnny was a genius! He'd written PRINCESS PARKING in curly, feminine-looking lettering on the concrete floor in front of the offending car, with a cartoon drawing of a tiara to add insult to injury. Ash giggles became laughter, holding her stomach to protect herself from getting too winded.
"Johnny, you're a genius!" Ash cheered, as Johnny continued his work of art, moving around to the other side of the car to write the humiliating message of YOUR MAJESTY'S CHARIOT with the same lettering as before, only now there was an arrow pointing at the car itself. There were two other things Johnny had drawn that Ash didn't recognize. "Johnny, what are those?" the porcupine asked, curiously. "I don't think I've ever seen those before in my life."
"Ball and sceptre," Johnny answered. "The Queen of England has those, and she was a princess once. It was a long time ago, but it happened once."
"Oh, right," Ash mused, looking behind her . . . and getting a shock. There was a small crowd gathering around her and Johnny, and Ash recognized a few of them. They lived in the apartment block with her, and they seemed to think what Johnny was doing was funny, expecially when he wrote PRINCESSES DON'T NEED PARKING LESSONS in front of the bonnet of the car. Stepping back to review his masterpiece, Johnny went over it one last time so he could replace the dot of every 'i' with a little heart. The laughter was almost deafening, and when Johnny finally stopped making adjustments, an entire parking lot of people cheered, applauded and whooped. The crowd had gotten a lot larger since the last time she looked, and Ash figured it was probably a bunch of newcomers who'd drifted in from the street. "Where did all these people come from?" she asked nobody in particular under her breath.
"Maybe they don't like whoever owns this car," Johnny answered sarcastically. "Or they just think this is funny."
"Oh, you think this is funny?" a voice yelled. "Wait till you see his reaction! He'll blow a fuse!" The crowd parted, like Moses parting the Red Sea, to reveal a young adult lioness with a slim, athletic build. "I'm so glad I'm here instead of that party! This is priceless!"
"Hey, I don't mean to be rude, but who on earth are you?" Johnny asked. "You just appeared out of nowhere."
The lioness extended a paw for Johnny to shake. "I'm Chloe, but everyone calls me Claws. And you are?"
"I'm Johnny," Johnny introduced, shaking her paw. "This is Ash." Ash waved at her, smiling.
"Why do people call you Claws?" Ash asked. Chloe held up both paws in front of her face, unsheathing them to reveal sharp claws. Ash and Johnny jumped a little, and the crowd giggled. Chloe grinned.
"Never fails," she muttered to herself, before turning to Ash and Johnny. "Anyway, we're getting off track. You wanted to know why I suddenly shouted out, and that tells me you're either not from round here, you don't know who owns this car or both. Am I right or what?"
"You're good," Ash admitted. Johnny was too stunned to speak, so he just nodded.
"Well, you wanna know a secret? That car belongs to a guy called Shawn, a whiny brat who is a pain in the neck to be around." A cry of "Hear, hear!" came from the crowd. "He fancies himself as a real macho guy, even though he has yet to beat me in an arm-wrestling competition, and he has the most disgusting pick-up lines ever. Take it from me: if he got paid $5 every time he used one of his famous pick-up lines and a girl shockingly turned him down, he'd be able to buy this place." A round of applause mixed with laughter burst from the crowd.
"So not exactly Mr. Popular then," Johnny concluded.
"Not exactly? I've caught the little weasel going through my deliveries and then denying that it was him!" Chloe exclaimed, prompting other complaints from unhappy tenants.
"He stole my groceries!"
"He egged my car!"
"He threw all night partying sessions every Friday every month for the past three months! Then he scratched swear words into my door after I told him to keep the noise down!"
"Calm down!" Chloe roared, displaying the primitive lion instincts she'd been harbouring all her life. "They get it now; we don't like him! Now shut up!"
Everyone calmed down. The manic atmosphere, once full of noise, became deathly quiet. People craned their necks towards the doors, occaisonally taking a few steps forwards to properly see the entrance nearer. Suddenly, a white rabbit wearing a red shirt, jeans and beat-up Converse burst through the doors, making a beeline for Johnny. Johnny correctly assumed that this must be Shawn, who must have seen him drawing around his car. "Hey, you! What gives you the right to vandalize my vehicle?" Shawn yelled.
"I didn't vandalize your vehicle, I drew on the ground outside your vehicle," Johnny clarified. "Very different."
"I-it's still vandalism!" the rabbit screamed, seeming somewhat insane now as he pulled out his phone. "I'm calling the police! Hello, police? I have a situation you might want to address . . . "
10 minutes later, two bored police officers, an elephant and a bear, arrived in the parking lot. "All right, what happened here?" the bear asked. "Who called us?"
"Me, officer," Shawn answered, pushing past Johnny to give his wildly inaccurate version of events. "I parked my car like I always do, in this spot, and went into my building-"
"It's not your building!" Chloe shouted. "You pay rent, just like everybody else does!"
"Shut it, kitty-cat!" Shawn snapped, before resuming his conversation. "I heard laughter, stuck my head out of the window to see what was going on, and I see this idiot gorilla drawing on the ground near my car! You should arrest him for vandalism!"
"We'll need both sides of the story before anybody gets arrested," the elephant answered coldly, stopping Shawn in his tracks. "Anyway, we haven't heard from you yet. What's your story?"
"I was walking Ash home after we'd gone to see a movie together, and we suddenly find this car that's taking up two spots. I had an idea, went to get some chalk from Kid Cave, and that happened." Johnny pointed to the car, which police officers had to stifle their laughter looking at it. Johnny had really gone to town on that car. Shawn wisely took this moment to calmly assess the situation and think of something to say. I'm just messing with you, he went nuts!
"Do you see how badly he vandalized my car?" Shawn screeched, pointing at his car while jumping up and down. Chloe giggled, but Shawn didn't notice or didn't care. "All right, I've had it with you dumb cops. I'm going to go inside, get myself a coffee, and when I come back, you two must have thought long and hard about who to arrest." Shawn tried to storm off dramatically, but the elephant, fed up with his constant stream of BS, literally picked him up and put him next to his car. "What the-"
"We know exactly who to arrest, thank you," the bear replied as he got out a pair of handcuffs. "Sir, you are being arrested for wasting police time and violating parking rules. You have the right to remain silent."
"I am not violating parking rules!" Shawn shrieked, even though he was clearly taking up two spots with his tiny green car. "It's fine where it is! And shouldn't you be saying something to that dumb gorilla who vandalized my car?"
"You're right; I do," the bear answered, walking over to Johnny. The gorilla was a little scared before the bear placed a paw on his shoulder and smiled. "I have a daughter waiting at home for me, and she's three years old. She has her own tiny car that she drives around in, and if you could do for her what you did to him, she'd be so happy."
The crowd burst out into roars of laughter at this, only making Shawn throw another hissy fit. "Oh, shut up, you horrible people! You're making that British gorilla late and now he can't have tea with the Queen!"
"I had tea with her yesterday," Johnny shouted back. "And if we have tea with the Queen, does that mean someone, somewhere in the US of A, is eating steaks with Donald Trump?" Shawn glowered as he was put in the back of the police car. The crowd cheered, and started a rousing rendition of "For He's a Jolly Good Fellow". Johnny smiled and blushed.
"Ash, your friend over there is the coolest person ever!" Chloe cheered. The crowd agreed.
"I have to agree with you there, but he's a little bit more than a friend, if you know what I mean," Ash replied coyly. Chloe wolf-whistled.
"So that movie was your first date, right?" Chloe asked. Ash nodded. Several 'aww's punctuated the air and reached Johnny's ears.
"Ash, I never knew ladies' night had started so early!" he joked, and Ash giggled. "I'll just have to wait out here till you're done and - hey, what happened to my chalk?"
Johnny, Ash and Chloe all looked round the now packed parking lot . . . and find a sight that made them smile. Two kids, an orangutan and a wolf, were playing with the chalk, drawing around each other and writing their names inside the outlines. The bucket was by their side, but the lid was nowhere to be seen. When Johnny walked up to them, they tried to hand over the chalk and hide the artwork. They looked like they were about to cry.
"We're sorry, mister," the orangutan squeaked. "You can have it."
"You're not going to tell our mom, are you?" the wolf whimpered. Johnny knelt down, wanting to properly talk with the terrified kids.
"Hey, have you seen the lid anywhere?" he asked softly. The wolf rushed to get it, and brought it back to Johnny.
"Here, sir."
"Good. The bucket's here, the lid's here, and you're holding the chalk. I've got a question for you two." Johnny leaned in. "Who does this belong to?"
"It belongs to you, mister," the orangutan squeaked.
"Wrong answer, kiddo. This belongs to you two," Johnny answered. Their faces lit up, and they both hugged Johnny.
"So it's ours now?" they chorused. "We don't have to give it back or anything?"
"Nope!" Johnny smiled. The wolf full-on bear-hugged him, his wagging tail brushing against Johnny's sides and made him giggle. "Hey, watch the tail!" Little did Johnny know that he'd basically signed his own death warrant. The kids looked to each other, looked to Johnny, and grinned.
"Attack!" they cried, going straight for his ribs, armpits and tummy. The wolf-boy basically got Johnny's ribs and tummy all to himself by letting his tail sweep up and down the gorilla's toned stomach, while the orangutan's fingers slipped into the hollows of Johnny's armpits. Johnny yelped and tried to bat them away, but was weak with laughter.
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Johnny yelped. "LEHEHEHEHET GOHOHOHOHO!"
"But it's fun!" they argued. Johnny's laughter grew louder and his blush a brighter shade of red when he realized people could see him, teasing him and encouraging the boys to show no mercy. But help was on hand. A male wolf and a female orangutan rushed over and pried their children off him.
"We're so sorry!" the older wolf profusely apologized. "I hope they weren't too much trouble for you!"
"It's fine," Johnny reassured. "Let kids be kids. I have to say, though, this little guy-" he pointed at the wolf "-is ruthless." The crowd laughed. Less embarrassed, the couple took their kids and moved away.
"Thanks for the free entertainment, Johnny," Chloe laughed, punching his shoulder. "Feel free to come back any time! After what you did to Shawn, you're welcome!"
"I will!" Johnny answered, walking out happily before suddenly turning on his heel and going back to Ash.
"I thought you were going," Ash said, confused.
"I was," Johnny answered, before he drew her in for a long, slow, kiss. When they parted, Johnny smiled and whispered in her ear, "But I forgot to kiss you goodbye." And with that, he walked out, leaving Ash staring at him for as long as she could get away with.
So, what do you think? Hopefully Shawn will get the message and not be such a douchebag neighbour any more. Anyway, that's it from me!