DIAL SNAKE FOR WOMEN ADVICE
Author's Note: Hello readers. This is just a story of people asking everyone's favourite mercenary for love advice. Wrote for fun :D I own nothing just the plot(s).
Chapter 1: PeachxMario
As long a Mario could remember, he was always saving the Mushroom Kingdom from Bowser and others, which was brave for the red clad plumber that nearly everyone admired him. But the plumber couldn't do one simple thing. Tell Peach how he feels. It was stupid Mario admitted, but he wasn't always a person who hanged out with girls, nor speaking to them.
He sat down on a chair, sighed in sadness. His blue eyes glanced up and saw a familiar blond wearing a pink dress, talking to the brunet princess of Hyrule, Zelda. Peach turned to Mario, smiled and wave to him. The plumber gave a sly smile and waved back then sighed. When Peach and Zelda left to go shopping in Smashville, Wolf walked by and notices the sad plumber, who looked gloomily at the floor as if someone he lost died.
"What's with you plumber?" Wolf asked curiously as he bends down with his hands on his hips.
Mario made a squeak and looks up, his hands on his cheeks. "Oh, Wolf, it's nothing"
Wolf snorted, stands tall and crosses his arms. "Cut the crap; you look like someone died while falling off a cliff while screaming your-" Mario stared at him as if he were crazy. Wolf grunted. "You get the idea"
Mario looks down at the ground and sighs again. Seriously, he could be in the 'Guinness Book of Records' for the most sighs in a day! "I just... I just can't seem to-a tell that I love Peach! Every time I do I say something stupid!"
The grey humanoid wolf raises and eyebrow. "Like what?"
Mario blushes in embarrassment. "Like-a 'do you think you-a should change dresses?' or 'Do you love Wario?' and-" He finishes when Wolf gave his raspy laughs.
"Loves Wario? That's just too priceless! You should be a comedian than a weird hero" Wolf chortled then calms himself down.
Mario looked down in embarrassment only to have an arm around his shoulder. He glanced up like a meerkat and saw Wolf giving his toothy smile. "I can solve your problem"
Mario widens his eyes in shock. "Really? How can you-a do that?"
Wolf puts one of his hands into a pocket and gets out a grey card. Mario tries to get a look at it but one of Wolf's fingers was covering it.
"It's simple, plumber. All you got to do it call Snake, and he'll give you women advice that'll make you and your darling blond damsel a couple" Wolf explained and looked down at Mario's blue eyes.
'Hmph! Snake would-a obviously be the women expert, considering he got beaten by-a Samus when she discovered that he reads Playboy' "Does it work?" Mario asked curiously and solemnly.
The hybrid snorted. "Yeah, I mean it worked for me"
Mario raised an eyebrow. "You have a girlfriend? Who is she?"
Wolf stiffens at the question as if he was frozen on the spot and gulped.
"Look, Amy Baby, I love you with all my heart, even as a couple we may not work" Wolf said softly and romantically holding the hands of Amy Winehouse.
"Oh Wolf! I love you too!" Amy Winehouse replied softly with her deep voice and gave the humanoid wolf a kiss.
"None of your business" Wolf said quickly and dangerously. He gave the card to Mario then stormed off as if someone has made him angry.
The Italian plumber blinked a few times and then looked down at the grey card that Wolf gave to him. It had a phone number '12346', a picture of a smiling Snake down the right corner like an ID card and lastly a slogan on top saying 'Need advice on women? Get advice from the babe expert!' Mario smiled then narrowed his eyes determinably, and then dashed to his room. Getting the phone next to his bed, he dialled the numbers, and then put the phone to his ear.
Snake sat in a grey, five metre, rectangular room with only a few plastic desks, pictures of women on the walls. The mercenary sat on a spinning chair with a cigarette in his mouth, while talking to someone.
"Just tell the girl she's hot, then you're done" Snake said while puffing on his cigar.
Suddenly one of the five phones rang, catching Snake a bit off guard. He lowered the other phone to the boot and picked up the other one.
"Hello? This is Snake, women expert, making sure you and your babe last forever" Snake explained, as he did a twirl in his chair, while putting his cigar in his mouth.
"Oh, hello Snake" Mario greeted uncertainly.
Snake did a double take. "Mario? Well, what makes a guy like you call the women expert?"
Mario sweated a bit in being nervous yet with anticipation. "Uh... I would like you to-a advice me on how to-a say that I love Peach" He explained clearly.
"YES! I KNEW HE LIKED PEACH! WARIO OWNS ME TEN BUCKS!" Snake shouted excitedly, hurting Mario's ears.
"So... how do I-a do it?" Mario began awkwardly, considering what happened to Snake.
Snake puffed on his cigar and leaned back on his chair. "Ok, do EXACTLY as I say. First, you need to dress in a tuxedo" The mercenary began slowly.
"Yes" Mario replied.
"Then you got to find the princess, and tell her to come to your room; make it at night time" Snake added quickly at the end.
Mario mimicked his answer before.
"Once you're in, suck on your thumb, slowly and wiggle your eyebrows, if possible. Oh, and sit on the bed" Snake finished.
Mario was confused. "Why-a do I have to-a suck on my thumb?" Mario asked awkwardly and curiously.
"Just do it..." Snake hung up.
Mario stared at the phone, shrugs and goes to find a tuxedo.
It was night time in the brawl mansion, yet Peach was talking with her friend Zelda about how the shop keeper was an ass hole. "He's such a monster! Wait till I get my hands on him!" She bellowed. Zelda nodded in agreement.
Footsteps were heard, echoing on the floor, getting louder and louder as it approached. Peach and Zelda turned to see Mario in a tuxedo, with his brown hair nicely combed. She smiled and giggled, making the newly dressed plumber blush.
"My, Mario! What's with the tuxedo?" Peach asked keenly.
Mario gave a smile. "Ah, princess, could I-a talk to you in my room?"
Peach widens her eyes at this. Zelda notices what's going on, chuckles under her breath and walks away. Peach nods. "Ok"
Mario offers a hand and the princess gladly accepts.
Once the two were in, Mario sat on his bed looking at the princess in a romantic way.
"So, what is it you want Mario?" Peach demanded softly.
Mario starts sucking his thumb and wrinkling his eyebrows. Peach suddenly felt mad, considering she got the idea from Mario. She slaps the plumber hard, making him fall off the bed.
"PERVERT!" Peach screamed and started doing serious bashing at Mario.
In the morning, Snake was once again in his room, this time reading a Playboy book, giggling at the pictures. Before he could flick a page, the phone rang, and he reached it and put it to his ear.
"Hello? This is Snake, women expert, making sure you and your babe last forever" Snake repeated.
Mario was growling at the phone. "I-a like to make a complaint"
Author's Note: So, what did you think? I hope you all find this humorous. It may not be 'drop dead laughing' but it'll make you giggle a bit. You reviewers can make requests about a couple (It can be ones you like or crack). I won't accept Yaoi or Yuri, because Snake is helpless at that but maybe in the future. XD!