Eyes fluttering open.
Blue skies. Crickets around me chirping madly. It never seems to cease.
Takes me a second to realize that I'm not breathing.
Inhale deeply, eyes widening as if by second nature. Lids straining.
Clouds passing at an unnatural rate. What is this?
Where am I?
Head throbbing. Close my eyes and struggle to rise to my feet. Hands pressing against the damp grass, holding me steady as I push myself upward. Eyes reopen.
I see you, there.
Standing on the hill in the distance. Just outside the shade of a nearby tree. Shielding your eyes from the sun with your hand as you search the landscape. Looking for something.
Looking for... me?
You stop when you notice me here. Hand dropping, dangling limply at your side. Even from all the way over here, I can see that confused expression on your face. Like a scared little boy. Lost. Unsure of what to do or where to go.
I want to call out to you. I want to run to you and tell you that it'll be okay, but a hand grabs my shoulder and stops me dead in my tracks. Startled noise escapes my breath as I twitch, and turn to face whoever is holding me back.
Who I see renders me speechless.
Me.
Asuka Langley Soryu.
Smiling at me. Eyes closed.
"Now, now," I say to myself. "We can't look weak, can we?"
W...what do you mean?
My eyes pop open and I doesn't say a word. But the smile slowly fades.
I...
"Yes?"
I have to go. I have to talk to Shinji.
"What do you want with an idiot like that, anyway?"
Turn my head back to catch a glimpse of him. He's sitting in the shade, back resting against the rough bark of the tree. Head hanging. Defeated.
Alone.
"Silly boy," I giggle. "So weak and pathetic. Not like us."
Turn back to face myself. Head cocked to the side. Tight-lipped smile. Eyes closed again.
"You don't think he deserves us, do you? You don't really think he's good enough for you and I."
I don't know what to say.
I don't know what to do.
Duck slightly to the side, escaping her grasp and dart the other direction, turning myself in mid-sprint towards the hill.
Towards Shinji.
Suddenly, I'm right in front of myself, stopping me dead in my tracks once again. This time, I look pissed.
"Just where the hell do you think you're going?"
I..
"You can speak, can't you? Or are you just as meek and pathetic as he is?"
Backing away slowly, I blink and I'm gone. Rear-end into something and it grabs me.
Me. Again.
My hand gently stroking my cheek. I can feel my own breath on my neck, tickling me, causing me to shudder.
Sky begins to darkening, from the pretty blue color it was to a deep gray. Storm clouds forming just above me. Close my eyes tightly. Fists clenching.
I'm scared.
"No you're not. Stop being such a baby."
But I am. I'm scared, I'm fucking terrified.
"This is what you have me for," I whisper in my ear. "I have plans for us, you know."
No..
"Beautiful plans, Asuka. We're not going to be destroyed. We are going to destroy."
I don't want that.
"Yes. Yes, you do. You want it just as much as I do."
No, I don't. I really, really don't.
"Stop fooling yourself. What is it that you want, Asuka? To be stepped all over? To be hurt and destroyed? Or do you want to get them before they can get us?"
It's not like that, I tell myself. It's not like that at all.
"Foolish girl," I say. "If we are so conflicted, one of us will have to go."
Stop..
"And it sure as shit isn't gonna be me, honey."
Stop.
"If I hold you back so easily, what makes you think that you can stop me? What makes you think, even for a second that I won't kill you off to move seamlessly forward?"
STOP!
"Asuka?"
I'm on the outside looking in.
Can't move. Can't speak.
I watch myself. Standing in the doorway to his room. A mere silhouette from this angle, and his. He's barely half-awake, pulling the headphones out of his eyes.
"Asuka? Is that you?"
I don't say a word. Just begin slowly walking towards him.
"Are you okay?"
Stop just above him. Kneeling down to straddle the confused boy.
Leaning in towards him, hair dangling around his face like a curtain around a hospital bed.
"I'm fine, Shinji," I say. "I'm just fine."
"What are you doing here?"
"Don't ask any questions, boy. Just go with it."
"Wha-"
He's cut off by our lips connecting.
One hand supporting my weight next to his head as I kiss him.
The other hand behind my back.
Holding a..
Kitchen knife.
The blade twinkles briefly in the light creeping in through the open door, and I can see my grip tightening around the handle from here. So tightly, it's forcing the blood out of my hand, causing my skin to turn sheet-white.
No, I try to say.
I try to stop myself. I have to stop myself.
The kiss breaks and the top half of my body rises above him. Hair shielding my face from his view. He's just as speechless as I am.
I have to put a stop to this. Please, give me the strength.
"Asuka," he breathes out. "I.. love you."
"I love you, too, Shinji," I say, voice monotone. Almost robotic. "That's why I have to do this."
No!
In an instant the knife raises and I bring it down on his chest, hard. Sternum cracking, blood ejaculating from his mouth, coming back to splash him in the face. His blood-spotted eyes wide with horror. I can see this from both a third person and first person perspective simultaneously.
"Goodnight, Shinji," I say. Smile stretching across my lips that you can barely see through the veil of hair. "Sweet dreams."
He coughs and sputters, trying to speak. His whole body trembling.
"I have to destroy you before you destroy me. I hope you understand."
His body stops moving. He lets out one final sigh, as if his soul is escaping through his lips.
I can't take it anymore.
Break free from my prison, tumbling out into the room, I sprint for myself and knock me to the floor.
I'm startled. I can tell by the look on my face.
Hair kinkily spread out around my head as I lay there on my back, looking back up at myself. Too shocked to react before I'm on top of me, hands around my neck.
Flail. Scratch. Try to protest though the blocked esophagus.
Not this time, bitch.
Squeeze harder as my nails dig into the flesh on my face, tearing skin away. Blood slowly running down my cheeks and dripping onto hers.
I don't need you. I don't want you. Just fucking die.
My eyes bulging out of my skull, face turning slowly blue. Resistance slowly weakening. All the fight in my subsiding, until my irises roll back, out of sight and I go limp.
Breath heavy. Lightheaded.
Dizzy.
I collapse on top of myself and start to cry.
Tape player comes to a stop, and begins rewinding.
Eyes slowly open to a familiar ceiling.
Sigh escapes me.
Immediately shoot up and look to my right.
Shinji...
You're okay...
Lay back down and hold him tight against me, and he begins to stir.
"Nnnh.. Asuka?"
I don't say a word. I just grip him tighter and bury my face in his shoulder.
I don't want to destroy you, Shinji. I may act like it, but I don't hate you.
Please don't let me hurt you.
I love you so much, Shinji Ikari.