Disclaimer: I don't won them, happy now?
Author's note: At the end of the fic… And please read 'em before you review, ok?
******
If Only…
By Lilas
The young girl stood rigid in front of the window leading to the beautiful park located in front of the room she was lodged in. Her small hand turned into a fist as thoughts whirled in her head. Thoughts of the war, of Quatre and inevitably of him… Why had she been so stupid? Why had she allowed her defenses to go down at such a point? Her gaze shifted downwards to look at her blue shoes and her black pants. Unknowingly, a small dot colored the carpet a dark brown and soon more followed as the tears fell off her cheeks.
She had thought she had a hope, but her heart had told her lies and it was never to be so. He never liked her… He never loved her. She still didn't know if he classified her as a friend or still as an enemy from long before. Either one, he was not hers to have or hers to keep…
How could her plans have gone so wrong? She had had everything planned out… From the time she'd challenge him to the fencing match to when she'd be the one to make him open up… But again her heart lied to her mind and was not able to achieve the task, making that annoying pacifist bitch conquer him first!
"Why?!" she cried out sobbing. "Why couldn't you love me?!"
She released a large sigh and slumped to the ground, covering her face with her hands, too ashamed to let anyone see her cry tears of lamentation. All she ever wanted was someone that loved her, held her close to them… But fate decided she would not get that, that she would have to go the rest of her life alone, without him by her side as a friend or as a lover.
"What have I done wrong for you to hate me so, soldier of my heart?" she whispered to her hands as she stared at them. "Where did I screw up for you to hate me so?"
She thought back to the time she watched him rescue that bitch from the room she had locked her in and rescue her… That wasn't the worst of it. She knew he'd come and save her. She knew he would because she was important for his mission, which she knew he had to accomplish to be at peace with himself. She thought he would rescue her out of duty, but what had rocked her world was the display of emotions she had seen behind his gaze as he ran down the halls. What had made her world crumble and despair overtake her was the fear, the anger and the love swimming in his beautiful, cold eyes… And what finally sent her to the point she was now in was the knowledge that she would never see those emotions directed towards her.
She opened her eyes slowly and looked down on the ground, staring at the shiny object next to her… Maybe drinking wasn't the solution to this… Maybe… Just maybe she could finally end it all. She didn't think anyone had realized her problem and if they did, she knew they didn't care enough to help her. Her life up to this point had been nothing but war, pain and deaths and she wanted out of the game… No matter which way she got out…
She grabbed the glass bottle and smashed it against the perfectly shaped desk, shattering it into millions of pieces. She picked up one of the bigger pieces and shakily directed it towards her wrists, placing it on her delicate skin. Her breaths were short and shaky and tears once again found their way into her eyes. She sniffled loudly as she pressed the glass harder on her skin, ripping the cells and allowing blood to ooze out into the open. She repeated the same fate to her other wrist and dropped the glass on the floor, tears mixing with sweat as she stood up and leaned her hands against the window, watching the sunset over the park.
"This is your fault Heero Yuy! I hope this stays on your conscience when I'm gone and laughing at you fools!" she shouted at the top of her lungs, banging her bleeding fists on the window, cracking it at places and smearing it with her blood.
Tears still rolled down her cheeks as she leaned more into the window and allowed her body to slide down along with gravity. She held her wrists up to her face and stared at them intently, taking in every aspect of how the blood flowed out of her body and dripped onto the floor. Then, as if waking up from a dream, her head snapped up and she stared at her wrists, panicked.
"Wha… What am I doing? I… I don't want to die now… I don't… I want to live… I want to… to…" she stumbled through her words as she felt her life flow out of her.
Darkness started to enclose down upon her and she fought wave after wave of dizziness. She tried to get up and find help for herself, but found that all her energy had already been swept away from her body, leaving her laying helpless on the floor, dooming her to watch her own death come to her. The tears had already stopped, too tired to cry, but her breaths came in short and punctuated as she leaned in deeper against the window. She could feel it…
Death was calling her to it, but she resisted as much as she could… but who could resist it? It was singing her a beautiful melody, calling her, summoning her, drawing her to the inevitable… Again she tried to stand up and go for help, but she realized she had barely enough energy to stay conscious, and that one was quickly fading out. She shook her head to try and clear her thought as well as try to shake the blackness, but found it only resulted in making her dizzy. Gathering up the last of her strength, she took in a deep breath and sat as straight as she could, ready to try her last hope of life.
"HELP!! Somebody… Please… Help m-m… me… please…" she shouted, her voice growing fainter and fainter until she finally collapsed and, try as she might, darkness overtook her and she fainted.
***
The first thing that bombarded her senses was the excruciating pain in her wrists, and then the throbbing headache she had. She groaned slightly and felt a small pressure on her hand, reflexively squeezing back. What happened? The last thing she remembered were her sliced wrists draining her of life… Her wrists? That pain, it had to be that!
Someone had found her and rescued her! She was safe! She slowly opened her eyes to dim lighting, her eyes slowly adjusting and taking sight of the bare white ceiling of the hospital room she was occupying. She shifted her head to the left and saw green curtain shades drawn closed over the window. If she stayed silent, she could hear the birds chirping outside in what she could guess might be an afternoon sun. She took in a deep breath and let a grin break through her lips.
"I take it you like being alive…" a dead voice spoke from besides her.
She whirled her head sideways and stared at the deep emerald eyes watching her. The boy's bangs covered most of his face and as she traced the length of his arms, she realized he was holding her hand tightly in his. She looked back up to his eye and nodded slowly, her grin diminishing as she suddenly felt foolish.
"No one knows, and I won't tell them… Unless you tell me why," the boy spoke gently, never letting go of her hand.
"I… I was sad…" she replied, her voice hoarse as if she hadn't spoken in weeks.
"Sad? We all get sad…"
"I… I hated my life… I felt no one liked me… And I felt cheated…" she continued her explanation, suddenly finding the sheets of her bed very interesting.
"How so?" the boy asked, curiosity embroidered at the back of his voice.
"Heero loves Relena… And I love him, but he doesn't even like me as a friend…" she whispered, ashamed of her reason.
"You're wrong," he replied strictly, making the girl look up at him in wonder. "He's the one that told me to go and check on you… He was worried about you; he'd said Relena realized you'd started drinking more than usual," he finished up.
The girl stared at him, her face twisted in confusion as she took in his words and analyzed them… Could they be true? Could Heero truly consider her as a friend? Had he forgiven her? And was Miss Relena her friend after all? In a rush of feelings, she felt embarrassed at the way she had referred of Miss Relena and on how she had imposed the blame of her suicide attempt onto Heero. She slowly looked up at the boy next to her and squeezed his hand hard.
"Trowa…?" she whispered faintly. He nodded in response to her voice, silently letting her know he was listening to every word she said. "Back in my room when I had changed my mind… I cried…" she whispered, a smile forming on her lips and mirroring Trowa's own mouth.
"I knew you could Dorothy… I knew you could…"
~Owari~
Author's note: I guess some of you might wonder what the hell Dorothy saying that she cried has to do with anything… Well here is my explanation. In Episode 49, when Trowa tells her that it's sad she can't cry, my view at it is that he's saying that it's sad she's locked herself so deep that she can't escape the dream world she created for herself when her father died. So in my fic, when she says that she cried, she's telling Trowa that she finally freed herself from the demons she had imposed on herself. If you still don't get it, email me…
And also… I don't want ANY flames about my Trowa/Dorothy paring here! If you can even call it that…