Disclaimer: I own nothing.
Oh no, how could this happen to such an amazing young boy…
Pain all along my spine- I want to cry out but I can't. Russetfur is at my side in an instant.
I had my whole life ahead of me—
"Blackstar." she pants. "How many- how many lives do you have left?"
I try to crack a weak smile, even in my pain. "Russetfur, if you knew." I pause as the pain ebbs. I can feel the blood rush down my back, spreading the poison of pain… "It would break your heart."
Oh God, how could you have let this
Happen to such a lovely young child
"Blackstar," she hisses. "Don't leave me. Please. I'll get- I'll get Littlecloud. Just hang on."
"I go to walk with StarClan now." I mumble.
"No! Blackstar- please! Don't leave me…"
Her voice fades and my life flashes before my eyes.
I was their only son and I tried,
Tried, tried—
There I am as a kit… I was a cute kit. There's my mother, Lizardstripe, and Dawncloud and Brightflower. They were my siblings. I was Lizardstripe's only son…
Yeah, you, you miserable father
The one who ignored me for half of my life
Now I, I can't even look at you
Why? Why? Why?
Sagewhisker, the medicine cat, was my father. There he is, all haughty and proud, not even paying attention as my life ebbs away- then Russetfur flashes back to me.
"We need a medicine cat over here!" she yowls, and I know she'll never leave my side.
Don't abandon me now
I don't want to die!
Then I realize the terrible reality- I might actually die. I might actually die. Pain strikes me again- and I want to yowl in pain, but I can't make a single sound- then Russetfur fades out of sight and flashes back in. I try to reach a paw, but it sends pain- that horrible pain- through my body. I can't think straight- all my thoughts are blurred and I finally scream- or is that just an illusion?
You can lead him to the ambulance
But you cannot make him live
No, you cannot make me live!
You can lead him to the ambulance
Lead me home!
But you cannot make him live
Then I hear Littlecloud. There he is, bringing cobwebs. He takes one look at me and turns to Russetfur. His voice is low and harsh, but his gaze is consoling. Russetfur glances back at me.
"No! Littlecloud- please… can't you try to save him?"
"There is nothing I can do- unless…" His voice falls low, but I hear the word "deathberries".
"No. Blackstar wouldn't want it that way."
"What are you saying?" I manage to rasp, which only causes more and more pain.
"He can't save you!" Russetfur blurts out. Tears are streaming down her face, tingling her whiskers.
Would, could I have done differently
You never said there was anything wrong
Now the drugs, they give me encouragement
Why? Why? Why?
Littlecloud pushes some poppy seeds down my throat. My mind manages to blur reality- and I'm an apprentice, running after Brokentail, my mentor- he was so strong and he radiated energy- just the cat that would shape me into a killer.
Oh God, tell me I'll make it
I'll give you my blood if that's all you need
Just don't tell me that I'm gonna die,
Die, die!
Then I snap back to reality, cruel, painful, reality. Littlecloud is whispering again, and Russetfur is shooting me sad looks. Then she turns away.
"Littlecloud, please…. please don't let him go…"
"Every life ends."
How do you think I feel? I want to snap, but that would cause more pain. And my mind is so numb I can't even think clear. It even hurts to think. I'm the one dying here.
Don't abandon me now
I don't want to die
Alone...
"Russetfur, I think you should leave." Littlecloud whispers.
"No… don't leave…" I whisper, and she turns back to me. She nuzzles me, and I wince, but I try to nuzzle her back.
"He's nearly paralyzed." Littlecloud said, his voice low. "His nerves are spinning out of order was we speak- every heartbeat is hard work for his body."
"How much longer…" Russetfur starts.
"He might make it through the night, but no longer."
"Promise… promise you won't…" I whisper.
"I won't leave you." Russetfur nuzzles me again. "You're a fighter, Blackstar. If anyone can make it through this, it's you. Just promise you'll hold on…"
I want to scream and scream and never ever stop. I want to yell about how much I don't want to die and how I'm sorry about Stonefur and that I followed Brokenstar- I'm sorry I treated my kit so bad… but I can't. Frustration boils inside me. Russetfur doesn't know what's going on. My mind is fighting a personal battle, and it's one she can never win from me…
You can lead him to the ambulance
But you cannot make him live
No you cannot make me live!
You can lead him to the ambulance
Why can't we celebrate? Lead me home!
But you cannot make him live
"I'm so, so, sorry…" Russetfur says painfully. "I shouldn't have let Onestar attack you like that…"
"It's not-" I grimace. "Your fault."
"Please- don't talk."
Then Russetfur fades, and I'm swept into my life, starting from when I was a kit.
I need to tell someone my life. Someone needs to know all the terrible, terrible things I've done. Someone must know all the good things I did, things that would win me a place in StarClan. And then the bad, the terrible, the ugly, the "I can't believe he did that" stuff.
But it's my life. And someone should know it.
XXX
Oh my. That was very sad to write. The actual first chapter will be up soon, and this is not a oneshot. The song is "Deadman's Ballet" by Sixx AM.
~Lukos