Disclaimer: I don't own Kuzco, Malina, Kronk, Yzma, etc., etc., Disney does.

XXX

The golden miniature Kuzco alarm clock clicked.

"Kuzco's graduation, Kuzco's graduation, Kuzco's graduation day is today!"

Kuzco leapt out of bed. "At last! The day I've been waiting for! Today I graduate from Kuzco Academy. Oh, yeah!"

He picked up the clock, which was still singing, and ran off to shove it into the sleeping faces of Chaca, Tipo, Chicha and Pacha.

XXX

Kuzco's clock was still singing as the family ate breakfast.

"So, now that you're graduating, you get to be emperor again," said Pacha, attempting to talk over the noise.

"What?" asked Kuzco, nodding his head in time with the music.

"Now that you're graduating, you get to be emperor again!"

"Huh? Didn't catch that," said Kuzco.

"NOW THAT YOU'RE GRADUATING, YOU GET TO BE EMPEROR AGAIN!"

Kuzco shrugged. "Sorry, no comprendo."

"At least he'll finally move back to the palace," muttered Chaca.

Kuzco instantly shut the clock off. "What was that?" he said suspiciously.

"She said we'd all be happy to help you move back to the palace," laughed Pacha, trying to cover up for his daughter's rudeness. "When you're ready, of course."

Kuzco relaxed. "Right. And speaking of which, I know what my first act as emperor will be."

"New plows for next planting season?" guessed Pacha hopefully.

"No," said Kuzco, looking at him as if he had grown six heads.

"Repair the roof of the daycare?" asked Chicha.

"No. Try again."

"Forty acres and a llama for each able-bodied townsperson?" Pacha tried again.

Kuzco tried not to roll his eyes. "No, but those were all really good guesses," he said sarcastically.

"Then what?"

"I choose my empress, of course!"

Pacha and Chicha exchanged a look.

"Oh really?" asked Pacha.

"Yep! Right after the graduation ceremony, I'll make it legal. Signed, sealed, finito."

"Who's going to be your empress?" asked Chaca.

"Malina, of course! She is such a hottie hot hottie."

Chaca and Tipo burst into laughter. Chicha and Pacha hid their smiles behind their hands.

"What?" asked Kuzco.

"Does Malina, uh, know about this?" asked Pacha, trying not to laugh.

"Nope, it's going to be a surprise," said Kuzco. "She'll love it!" With that, he marched triumphantly off to school in order to make some last-minute additions to his plans. Chaca and Tipo, not wanting to miss out on the fun, followed behind.

Chicha smiled and shook her head. "That poor girl won't know what hit her."

Pacha shrugged. "Who knows? Maybe she'll say yes."

They looked at each other and started laughing.

XXX

The students had just received their diplomas and Principal Amzy was about to make a speech when they were all deafened by a blast of horns.

"Kuzco will now select his empress!" announced the royal record keeper.

Malina, who was sitting in the fourth row, froze. "Oh no…."

With great fanfare, Kuzco, clothed in his emperor's robes, strode to the podium and hustled Principal Amzy, who was barely containing her anger at being interrupted, to the side.

"Hellooo, ladies!"

The audience stared at him dumbly.

"Now, I know that you're all thinking, which one is it? Which one of you lucky ladies will be my bride? Which one of you will get to be empress and live the life of luxury you've always dreamed about?"

A cricket chirped.

"Well, wonder no more! I choose…." And he paused dramatically.

Malina shrank into her seat, hoping he wouldn't see her. "Please not me, please not me…"

"Eeny, meenie, miney – MALINA!"

Before she could reply, several royal guards ushered her to the stage. She was presented with a bouquet of roses, a half-sun crown was placed on her head, and a sash embroidered with the words "EMPRESS MALINA" was tied around her waist.

Kuzco picked up the microphone. "Here she comes, Empress Malina!" he sang to the tune of "Miss America".

"All hail Empress Malina!" the servants cried.

"Yes, all hail EMPEROR KUZCO and Empress Malina!" said Kuzco, a bit annoyed that they had left him out of their hailing. "And to all you other ladies, sorry. But there's only one of me, and at least fifty of you. Now get out, everyone. Time for me and my empress to spend some quality time together." Kuzco winked at Malina, who was still frozen in shock.

The guards whisked everyone out, and once the gym was empty, Kuzco turned to Malina.

"So, Malina, my little smootchie pot-pie, you're my empress now. That is, once you sign the contract to make it official." He snapped his fingers, and the clerk came over and unfurled a long scroll, which fell to the floor and rolled until it came to a rest at her feet. "It's legally binding," added Kuzco with a smile.

Malina found her voice. "Kuzco, isn't this rather…sudden?"

"Sudden? Ha! I've waited for this moment for four long years! Ever since I first saw you, I knew you'd be my empress someday. And now that we've graduated and I'm emperor, there's nothing to stop me from making it official."

"Except ME, that is," said Malina.

"Huh?" asked Kuzco.

"Did you ever consider that I might have dreams of my own?" asked Malina. She took off the crown and the EMPRESS MALINA sash.

"Pshaw," said Kuzco dismissively. "What more could a girl dream of than to become MY empress?"

"Well, one of my dreams, in fact, my biggest dream, is to attend Kuzford University," said Malina. "I thought you knew this – it's all I've been talking about the past two weeks!"

Several flashbacks of Kuzco staring dreamily at Malina as she said "Kuzford University" over and over again in the halls, the cafeteria, and during class ran through Kuzco's head.

"Nope, don't remember a thing," he said, shrugging.

"Of course you don't," said Malina. "The only thing you pay attention to is yourself."

"That's not true," he began, but then he got distracted by his reflection in Malina's crown.

Malina cleared her throat to get his attention. Kuzco jumped.

"Okay, maybe you have a teeny, tiny, atom-sized point," he conceded. "But you don't even know if you've gotten into Kuzford U. yet. Being my empress is guaranteed. There was never any contest, Malina! You've been my choice from the start."

"That's very sweet," said Malina, softening a little. "But I still would rather take my chances with Kuzford U. And with my grades and well-rounded extracurriculars, it's pretty much a given that I'll be accepted, anyway."

"And Kuzford University's better than being MY empress, how?" asked Kuzco.

That was the last straw for Malina.

"Well, for one, I won't have to hang around YOU all the time!" She shoved the crown, sash and roses into Kuzco's arms and stormed out of the gym.

XXX

A week later, Kuzco was still sulking over Malina's entirely uncalled-for and completely selfish refusal of his proposal – after all, he chose her, a villager, for his bride, and he could have married a princess – when Kronk came by.

"I've been accepted to the Kuzford Culinary Institute!" Kronk said excitedly.

"Yippee," said Kuzco unenthusiastically.

"Still upset about Malina, huh?" asked Kronk sympathetically. "Well – I brought your mail for you."

Kuzco took it from him. "Pacha, Pacha, Pacha, Chicha, Tipo, Pacha…" he tossed it to the ground as he went through it. "Oooh, goody, one for me! And it's from Kuzford University."

"Kuzford U.?" asked Kronk. "I thought you weren't applying anywhere."

"I put in a last minute application. It's Malina's 'biggest dream' to attend Kuzford U.," said Kuzco, rolling his eyes. "I thought maybe if I got in, I could at least be near enough to her to convince her to change her mind about the whole 'being my empress" thing."

"Brilliant plan," said Kronk approvingly.

"Of course it is. I thought of it." Kuzco tore open the envelope. "WHAT?!"

"Uh oh," said Kronk.

"I've been put on the waiting list! Can you believe it? ME! Wait-listed! At my own University!"

"Well, your grades were only average," said Kronk, shrugging.

"You'd think that as Emperor, I'd get in on legacy alone!" cried Kuzco. He glared a few houses down at Malina's mailbox, which was overflowing with mail. "Hmph…I bet Malina got something from Kuzford U. today, and I'll bet it isn't a wait-list letter."

"Well, why don't we take her mail to her and see?" suggested Kronk.

"Nah, I've got a better idea," said Kuzco. He dashed to her mailbox and rifled through the contents until he found a big fat envelope marked "Kuzford University." Eagerly, he ripped it open. "Just as I thought," he sneered. "Accepted."

"That's great news!" said Kronk happily. "We should congratulate her. Cook her a special lunch, maybe."

"I don't think so," said Kuzco.

"I could make my famous spinach puffs…" Kronk went on.

"Forget the lunch, already!" said Kuzco. "There's nothing to celebrate. As of this second, I no longer MIGHT have no empress – I DEFINITELY have no empress! I need a plan."

"You know, Malina probably isn't going to be very happy when she finds out that you've opened her mail," Kronk pointed out.

Kuzco was about to reply when he got an idea. "That's it! Malina hasn't found out yet that she was accepted to Kuzford U."

"She'll find out when she comes out for the mail," said Kronk.

"She won't find out if we don't give her ALL of her mail," said Kuzco. "Or, even better, if we replace her acceptance letter with a rejection letter! Then she'll have no other choice, she'll have to be my empress."

Kronk blinked. "Why would we replace her acceptance letter with a rejection letter?"

"Obviously because we don't want her to find out that she's been accepted to Kuzford U."

"We don't?"

"Duh. Then she won't be my empress."

Kronk still looked confused.

Kuzco sighed. "Let me see if I can explain it so that even you can understand it." He pulled out a chart. "Malina goes to Kuzford, she's NOT my empress. Malina does not go to Kuzford, she IS my empress. See?"

The light came on. "Oh, I get it," said Kronk. "But how will we do this?"

"That's where you come in, pal," said Kuzco with a gleam in his eye. "How quickly can you forge an official-looking Kuzford University rejection letter?"

XXX

When Malina came outside to check the mail, she found that Kuzco had already taken the liberty of removing it from her mailbox and was holding it for her. She repressed a groan. Back to try again? she wondered.

Kronk was with him. Malina waved hello to Kronk and gave him a genuine smile.

"Malina, guess what?" said Kronk happily. "I got accepted to Kuzford Culinary Institute!"

"Congratulations!" she said warmly. She turned and saw Kuzco. "Oh, hi," she mumbled.

"Your mail, milady," said Kuzco grandly.

"Um…thanks," she said, grabbing it from him. "Well, gotta go! See you guys later!" She zoomed back into her house.

XXX

"Wait for it…wait for it…" said Kuzco, putting his hand to his ear in anticipation.

"Wait for what?" asked Kronk, confused.

A high-pitched shriek echoed from Malina's house, and she shot back outside like a llama on fire.

"I can't believe it!" she cried.

"Woahhh, settle down, Malina," said Kuzco.

"Look at this!" She shoved the note at him. Kuzco took it from her.

"'Dear Malina, you've been rejected from Kuzford University. Sorry. Sincerely, Kuzford University.' Hmmm…it looks like you've been rejected. Tough break," said Kuzco.

"Tough break?!" said Malina. "Is that all you can say?"

"Really tough break?" Kuzco tried.

"Save your breath," said Malina.

"Well, there's always empress," said Kuzco. "Now that you won't be going to Kuzford U., I guess you really don't have any other choice."

Everything instantly became clear to her. "Wait a minute! This is another of your schemes to get me to be your empress! What did you do with the real letter from Kuzford University?"

"Real letter?" said Kuzco, playing dumb. "I don't know what you're talking about."

She turned the Malina Stare on him.

"All right, all right!" he said, cringing. He pulled the original letter from his pocket and handed it to her. She inspected it carefully. The letter was a little crumpled, but otherwise undamaged.

"See? Everything's there," said Kuzco meekly.

Malina's elation at being accepted to Kuzford University was quickly overshadowed by her anger at Kuzco's deception. "I really can't believe you, Kuzco! Forging a fake letter to make me think that Kuzford University rejected me?"

"Technically, Kronk wrote the letter," said Kuzco, pointing weakly at him.

"Leave me out of this," said Kronk, cowering. The last thing he wanted was the Malina Stare turned on him.

Kronk lucked out. "He only wrote it because you forced him to do it," said Malina, still glaring at Kuzco.

"Ummm…." said Kuzco, at a loss for words.

"I knew it!" she said. "And you know what? Even if I WAS rejected from Kuzford University, I STILL wouldn't be your empress!"

Kuzco's mouth fell open in surprise.

"If every college in the empire rejected me, I wouldn't be your empress!" she went on. "If I was forced to live in a cave and wear nothing but rags and eat nothing but rats and insects, I wouldn't be your empress! Anything, anything at all would be better than being your trophy wife! And another thing – "

XXX

Kuzco paused the scene. "Okay, I think we get the picture. Malina doesn't want to be my empress. We can just fast-forward through the rest of this."

He pressed the fast-forward button, and watched as on-screen Kuzco stared, mute with shock, at on-screen Malina, who was foaming at the mouth and flailing her arms wildly.

"Geeeeeez," said Kuzco, wincing. "At this speed, she looks like a hummingbird on crack!"

Finally, Malina stormed off-screen. "Ah, that's better," said Kuzco, relaxing. He pressed play.

XXX

"Well, that was a little awkward," said Kronk.

"Thank you, Captain Obvious," said Kuzco, annoyed. He put his head in his hands. "It's worse than I thought! Malina HATES me!"

"No, she doesn't," said Kronk.

"You really think so?" Kuzco said hopefully.

Kronk nodded. "She didn't say that she hated you. She only said that she 'loathed, despised, and abhorred' you."

Kuzco shot him a death glare.

"Just repeating her words," said Kronk timidly. "Don't shoot the messenger."

"Now what?" whined Kuzco. "I'll NEVER get her to be my empress if she hates me!"

"Get her not to hate you," said Kronk helpfully.

"Thank you for your brilliant insight, genius," muttered Kuzco. He brightened. "Wait a minute! I know how to make Malina not hate me."

"Stop trying to trick her into becoming your empress, tone down the egotistical behavior a notch, and be less self-centered and more concerned about the common good?" guessed Kronk.

"No," said Kuzco, his eyes narrowing. Honestly, Kronk was such a lunkhead. "My plan is a lot better than that. And ten times easier. We need to go to Yzma's Secret Lab. And by 'we', I mean 'you'. Me no go to creepy lab of doom. Now let me tell you what you need to get –"