Okay, this is just snippet from an Avatar/real world RP my sister and I are doing to improve our writing skills. The focus of this was imagery and grammar.
Some background: there are only some lines of benders in the world. Tossi/Tossico is a water bender that favors bending liquid chemicals; he later gets into an accident with his chemicals that changes his appearance. Koda is a fire bender. Andi is not a bender but has fire and earth bending in her blood, she and Koda are very close.
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Flashback The kids, excited to meet up with
each other after such a long time of lonely afternoons, quickly ran
to Andi's back yard. The yard was neatly groomed with a gray cobble
stone patio and a small pond a few meters from that. It smelled of
freshly cut grass and honey sickles throughout the yard. The children
were shaded by the several weeping willows near the pond and Koda
explained to them the new bending move he almost had mastered. As
he shows them the move he got his footing wrong, taking the flames in
a completely different direction then intended. The fire had swept
across Andi's left forearm before Koda had a chance to stop it,
leaving an almost snake like burn on her arm. Screams erupted from
the scorched twelve year old girl. Her face was red and tear stained
in a matter of seconds. That's all Koda would see before he started
running.
It
was a cool Saturday in September, it was cloudy outside and two boys
had just met up with their friend outside of her father's house.
Koda, just 5"1' back then with neat, clean cut, red hair and
Tossi, pre- accident still, had messy white blonde bangs that hung
down in his joyous, bright blue-green eyes and his lips were formed
in a mischievous smirk.
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Any good? Tips? Suggestions? Feel free to pick it to pieces!