It was in the middle of November in Stockholm and the snow hadn't yet to fall, but it was freezing cold outside. You couldn't go anywhere without a pair of thick gloves and preferably something warm to put on your head. The people were rushing to their jobs, schools and meetings since it was early in the morning on a weekday. They were stressed and had no time to just hold on for a minute, take a deep breath and relax. There was just one man in the middle of the heap of people who felt like he was the only one who wasn't in a hurry anywhere. He took his time and waited until the worst crowds were dissembled, so he could walk in his own pace wherever he wanted to go. He held a paper mug with hot coffee in it and drank it slowly. It didn't really taste any good, but he wasn't in the mood for buying himself another one. This one had been too expensive anyway to just throw away.
The man, Denmark, itched himself in head when he arrived at the gates of a huge graveyard. It was quiet around him and the only thing he could hear was the traffic behind him and the birds up in the sky. This was too early for him to be out, but he figured he'd be there for a while. He drank up his coffee, threw it in the garbage can right next to him and began walking straight forward on the small path that led to the hundreds of graves that were there.
"Now, where would you be?" Denmark asked himself out loud. He hadn't been to this graveyard before and it took quite some time before he finally found the grave he was searching for. It was a dark gray stone with beautiful flowers inscribed on it. Denmark brushed away some leaves on top of the stone and on the ground and caressed it smoothly before letting go.
"Hello, Berwald" Denmark said and placed himself in front of the gravestone. It was cold on the ground, but Denmark didn't care. He took one glove off and stroked the inscriptions carefully "It's me, Matthias, but I guessed you already knew that" he said and smiled. It was a sad smile, not his cheerful, usual smile.
"Your coffee stinks. I had to pay almost 30kr for a regular and it didn't even taste good. I could pay half the price at home and still get more decent coffee than that one". Denmark put his glove back on his hand and looked around "But you don't care. You're just lying there, probably laughing at me for buying my coffee from a weird, expensive place. You know, I didn't have any time to find a good place to buy it from. You're lucky I even came here today". The wind started to blow and the leaves Denmark brushed away before came back. He cursed and brushed them away again "Damn leaves" he muttered when the wind became still.
Denmark became silent for a while and then let out a sigh "Remember before, on Christmas when I bought you a shirt with the text I Heart Denmark on it? You were so embarrassed and threw it back at me before Tino could see it. I still got it under your pillow in my bed. I know you liked it, even though I made you wear it when you were at my house". A long pause "You hated to cheat on Tino, but I'm glad you did it. I can see our romantic and sexy nights in front of me" he snickered to himself. "Well…" he cocked his head "Not romantic really, since… I never told you how much I loved you. I hoped you knew I actually did love you and not only your body. I loved to wake up right next to you and steal your glasses that you always left on the bed table". He stopped talking and just stared on the headstone for a couple of seconds "Sorry, I don't know why I brought that up. Maybe I'm feeling a bit nostalgic". Denmark shrugged and took his package of cigarettes from his pocket. He lightened one up and breathed the nicotine in "I still haven't quit smoking. Everyone wanted me to do it. Even you, who took my cigarettes sometimes after sex. You always took a shower after too so Tino wouldn't notice anything.
You should've seen him at the funeral by the way. I didn't think anyone could cry as much as he did. He was heartbroken. Like me, only I held it in. It felt like I was the only one who didn't cry. I know people stared at me because of it. They knew we were close, even if we argued a lot, so I get why they looked at me that way. Nor got mad at me. Saying I was a complete jackass, who didn't have any emotions. But you know me. I didn't want them to see me cry. I'd rather eat Kirkland's shitty food instead". He laughed and shook his head. It was hard to think about it. Even after 10 whole years.
"You're missing a lot, Berwald. Peter is almost 25 years old now and I'm going to be 35 in a year. Can you believe that? I'm old soon" Denmark looked up at the gray and cloudy sky. He closed his eyes after a while "Nor and Ice moved away. I only meet them at holidays when we visit Tino and Peter. It still feels pretty weird without you around. I haven't had a partner for years, so I'm feeling pretty lonely. I know what you're thinking". He looked back at the gravestone "You're thinking 'you haven't had a partner? Please, that's impossible with your good looks and wonderful personality'. Or you're just thinking I'm stupid for not moving on with my life. Yeah, that sounds more like you"
It was silent now around Denmark. The cars weren't as loud anymore in the background and there was nothing on the cemetery that could disturb him. His cigarette died out and he threw it on the ground, pounding on it with a stone and then threw the stone towards the path behind him. Denmark looked down on the ground in front of the headstone and suddenly felt anger inside him "You just had to go and die! I fucking hate it. I hate that you left to get me some alcohol because I was too whiny. I hate that you didn't see that truck. It was huge. How the hell could you miss it?" he started to shake a little "And then I had to see you. Dead on the ground. Do you know how hard it was for me to see you like that? I couldn't do anything!" His voice was cracking and he could barely swallow "That was the first time I cried in public… and now you're making me cry again. I hate it". The last words were only small whispers. He couldn't talk anymore. The tears were dripping on the ground and he couldn't stop it as much as he wanted it to. He hid his face in his palms and tried to muffle his sobbing. He missed him so much.
He felt the wind against his back and something cold that run down his neck. Denmark noticed it was a snowflake when he looked up with his eyes all red. More snowflakes kept coming and landed on the ground. They simply melted away in the beginning, but after a while, the ground turned white. 'This isn't fair', the Dane thought and wiped away the tears on his cheeks. He stood up and snorted "It was my fault even though I try to deny it. If I hadn't been a fucked up, useless alcoholic, you'd still be alive". He sighed and looked away "But I should move on with my life. I don't think you'd want me to stay alone the rest of my life". Denmark put his hand on the top of the gravestone "I wish you were here so you could tell me to suck it up and stop being such a wimp". He forced himself to smile "I'm going to head back now, so you finally can sleep again without hearing my, to be honest, annoying voice. Good bye, Berwald". He leaned down and gave the inscription Berwald a soft kiss and then began walking the path back. It was too painful to be there and he never returned again.