This was written for the Quidditch League, Round 6, Cult Classics – Appleby Arrows, CHASER 2: Time Bandits, (song) First Thing's First — Neon Trees, (quote) For every problem there is one solution which is simple, neat, and wrong. — H. L. Mencken, (word) coast
Word count: 1989
wonders left unseen
"Coast is clear, boys, we're good to go."
"Finally, some action," Sirius replied, rubbing his hands together joyfully.
"Yeah, well, try not to make it into too much action, Padfoot. I think we all remember Pompeii, and how close we all came to burning because someone couldn't keep it in his pants."
"In my defense," Sirius said, pouting even though he knew Remus couldn't see him, "she had the best assets I've seen in this business."
"Assets? Is that what we're calling it now?" James' voice buzzed in Sirius' ear, making him smirk.
"That's what we're calling it, yeah. Those jewels were worth a not-so-small fortune, as you all know," he said pointedly.
"And we all know that those weren't the jewels you were enjoying, Padfoot," James replied just as dryly.
They all laughed at that, three different sets of laughter echoing in Sirius' ear almost painfully. God, why was he even friends with these idiots?
Oh, right: he had ran away from his parents and somehow ended up joining a trio-now-quartet of Time Bandits (which was absolutely not their actual name but totally how Sirius referred to them in his own mind) while trying to find something worthwhile to do with his life.
Well, at least he had succeeded on that front, even if he could do without the truly undeserved commentary about his perfectly logical decisions. So what if they had almost died in Pompeii? The key word was there: almost, so there clearly was nothing to complain about.
Shaking his head at the thoughts, Sirius refocused on the present. "Focus, boys; our window of opportunity is rather small and we wouldn't want to miss it."
There was some grumbling in his ears, but eventually the familiar focused atmosphere of their jobs settled over him. He felt hyperfocused, like he could sense every little detail of his surroundings.
This, he thought, not for the first time, is why I ran away. He truly felt alive in these moments; and yes, maybe using borrowed time travel technology to rob the past wasn't exactly the glorious job his parents had had planned for him, but it was also infinitely more interesting.
Besides, it wasn't as though those robberies wouldn't have happened without them—they were careful with that, at least. Really, Sirius and his friends were just making sure everything went according to recorded history. It was, some could even say, a public service.
Remus and Peter had taken care of the security system—not that it was very extensive, this being the early fifties rather than the twenty-first century Sirius was used to—so getting in went smoothly.
It didn't always, of course—part of the fun of doing this was that they never quite knew what could go wrong—but this time, in less than fifteen minutes they were in and standing in front of the room their prize was kept in.
The guarded room their prize was kept in.
"I thought you said the coast was clear, Moony," Sirius hissed into his comms.
"It was," Remus' crackling voice replied. In the background, Sirius could hear him typing—or maybe it was Peter's doing, Sirius could never tell. "There weren't supposed to be any guards, this guy's not on any roster I have access to. You're going to have to wing it, guys, sorry."
"You can do it," Peter added confidently.
"That's easy for you to say," Sirius grumbled. "This guy's built like a tank."
"What, did we finally find someone who's not your type, Padfoot?" James teased. "I mean, if you don't think you can do it I'm sure we can figure out something else…"
Sirius bristled. "I could totally do it. You know I could. But maybe I don't want to, have you ever thought of that, huh? And why don't you do the seducing for once, Prongs?"
James looked at him like he had grown a second head. "I don't do the seducing, remember?" he whispered just as their comms crackled with Remus and Peter's voices shouting, "Prongs isn't allowed to seduce anyone on missions, he always attracts the crazy ones!"
Unfortunately, that was very true. Sirius still had the scars from James' latest 'conquest'—and alright, maybe pointing James at his cousin Bellatrix hadn't been the smartest idea, but it had netted them a nifty sum and had put the crazy woman behind bars in the end (and Sirius had survived), so, all in all, while that hadn't ended too badly, everyone had agreed that James shouldn't do anymore seducing targets. Ever.
Dismissing the twinge in his scar, Sirius refocused on the present, sighing. "Why can't we just knock him out though? That's neat, efficient, and much faster than me trying to seduce the guard into, what...? Leaving his post? Plus, I have a mean right hook."
"He truly does," James agreed. "I think you could take him, too," he added.
"No punching," came Remus' exasperated voice. "We agreed on one rule for this, and that was no punching. Come on, guys, it can't be that hard!"
Sirius pouted. "But what if I—"
"No!" Remus and Peter shouted in unison. Beside Sirius, James chuckled.
"Sorry, man, looks like you're going to have to take one for the team tonight," James said.
"Or," Sirius replied, "I could use knock-out gas. Because I'm pretty sure even my seducing skills aren't amazing enough to have that guy forget that the museum's supposed to be empty at this time of the night."
James snorted in amusement, but he seemed to be considering Sirius' plan carefully.
"We fully trust your abilities to get that guy to forget his own name in less then ten minutes, much less what he's doing here, Padfoot," Peter prompted dryly in Sirius' ears.
"He just wants to use the knock-out gas," James chuckled.
"Can you blame me?" Sirius retorted. "It's perfect for this, and yet we never use it. Come on, you know it'll be faster than any other plan we have."
There was a lot of grumbling from the other side of the comms, but finally they relented, and James shrugged. "Alright, fine, let's do this."
Siriu breathed out a sigh of relief, letting a wicked smile spread on his lips. "You won't regret this!"
"Let's hope we don't," James murmured.
They didn't. The plan went off like a charm—the guy fell asleep at his desk almost the instant the gas hit him, and Sirius retrieved his keys quickly, tossing them at James who opened the door to the room the paintings were being kept.
Fifteen minutes later, they were out, James carrying their successfully stolen painting under his arm.
"Beers on me tonight!" James crowed, tossing the rolled-up painting to Sirius once they returned to their base of operation.
It was, quite honestly, a run-down shack that looked on the verge of collapsing, but it was also where they'd met up after pulling their first job. For that memory alone, this place would have been priceless to Sirius, but all the others memories they had build up there had only added value to the place.
Remus and Peter—aka Moony and Wormtail—always coordinated from there, while James and Sirius went back to the past to retrieve whichever items they wanted to.
"Prongs, beer is always on you, you're the only one of us who ever has money," Remus pointed out.
"Please, with what we're going to get from selling this baby?" James replied, nodding at the masterpiece Sirius was now carrying. "We'll all be rich—well, richer—and maybe one of you losers can buy me a drink for once."
Peter laughed, turning his chair around. "I think what Remus meant was that you're the only one who carries money."
"Well, maybe I should stop then," James scoffed. "It'd serve you right, living off of my goodwill, sucking me dry—"
"Sorry, but you're not my type," Sirius couldn't help but interject, smiling innocently when James pulled a disgusted face. "Now, if say, Remus was making the same offer…" He winked, chuckling when Remus only rolled his eyes at him.
"Yes, yes, we all know about your raging boner for Remus," Peter rolled his eyes. "It's really nothing new. You should try getting some new material."
"What did I ever do to you to deserve such a mean treatment?" Sirius pouted.
"At a guess?" Remus replied amusedly without looking away from his computer screens. "I'd say it was the hundredth or so times you cheated him off at Poker."
"I don't cheat!" Sirius lied.
"Yes, you do," his three friends chorused.
"It's fine though, we love you anyway," James added, patting him on the shoulder.
"Well…" Peter joked, grimacing overtly. "You say love…"
"Oh, come on!" Sirius protested when everyone laughed, even though his own lips were twitching up into a smile.
While everyone laughed, Sirius unrolled the painting he had still been holding, gazing at it pensively. It was truly something. No wonder so many thieves had tried to get their hands on it over the years—too bad they'd never know Sirius and James had gotten there first.
"What do you think, Remus?" he asked loudly, wanting to be heard over his friends' continuing laughter. "I believe this would look good on our wall, don't you think? Keep you and Wormtail company while Prongs and I risk our lives and all that," he added with a wink.
It was hard to say who looked more horrified out of the three of them, and Sirius had to bite his lips to keep from laughing.
"We're not hanging Da Vinci's Mona Lisa in the Shrieking Shack," Remus sputtered.
"Afraid it'd clash with the decor?" Sirius smirked.
Even Peter, who was usually the best at not falling for his friends' jokes, snorted at that. "You mean the 'about to fall apart' decor?" Remus replied, eyebrow raised. "Because we all knew you had no taste, Sirius, but this is a bit much, even for you."
"But this is exactly why we should hang it in here," Sirius said. "Give this place a more… unique touch."
"This place is pretty unique already," James snorted. "Besides, we have a buyer for it, remember?"
"You mean we have your girlfriend," Sirius pointed out.
James shrugged, smiling. "We're keeping the business in the family," he said. "Speaking of Lily… She's waiting for us at the bar, and you know how she hates waiting."
Remus laughed, but started shutting off his computers. "Still afraid she'll leave you for the bartender?"
"Me? What, no, never—I'm a catch, Lily would never," James stammered out. "She wouldn't, would she?"
"Nah, mate, she wouldn't," Sirius reassured him, patting him on the shoulder with his free hand. "But I guess we should go. I mean, you did promise us free beer… And all this adventuring has made me terribly thirsty..."
"You're always thirsty, Padfoot," Remus snorted. "But I could use a break," he relented. Beside him, Peter nodded along enthusiastically.
Sirius turned back to James, staring at him pointedly. "See? We're waiting on you. Let's go now."
"Hey! You were the one trying to convince us to use the Mona Lisa to give this place more character," James complained.
"Me?" Sirius replied, batting his eyes innocently and setting the painting down. "I would never do that; you must have been mistaken."
James sputtered as everyone laughed.
"Don't worry, James," Remus said as they finally made to leave, "I'll buy a round and you can drink to forget any of this ever happened. It's what I do when I have to deal with you crazy lot for too long."
And the worst part, Sirius thought as he laughed, was that James actually looked to be considering it.
Oh well. He'd remember soon enough that Remus didn't carry money any more than Sirius or Peter did. His face was always very funny when he realized that, after all.