WARNING! Do not read this fic if A(:You have no sense of humor B(:You look up to Mulder as a god C(: You don't like take offs
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Mulder's Bad Day
By: TRUSTNO1 and The Thinker
Beep! Beep! Beep! Mulder's eyes pop open and he yells, "I'll kill you!" He grabs his gun and shoots the alarm clock that flies across the room. He rolls off the couch onto his face while cursing to himself. He get's up, get's dressed, and realizes he is hungrier than usual.
Scuttling to the kitchen he finds a moldy piece of bread under the fridge. "Eh, what are you gonna do?" he comments to himself. He pops it in the toaster and then picks up a glass of orange aide that has been sitting on the counter for three weeks.
Sipping his orange aide he snatches an egg from a mouse while in the process of rolling it into it's hole in the wall. Looking out the window he see's it's 98 degrees. He opens the window and then cracks the egg on the windowsill. Turning back he finds the toaster belching black smoke.
"My toast!" he cries. Running over he plunges his hand into the toaster forgetting it's still on. He yells a naughty word and rips his red, swelling hand from the toaster. Looking down at the hand he cannot feel he smiles triumphantly (despite the pain) at the burnt black crust in his hand. Forgetting the egg and the rancid orange drink our brave warrior marches out the door off to work. However he makes a quick stop to the ER before reaching work.
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Mulder walks into the basement office with a bandaged hand. Scully looks up from her paperwork and asks, "What happened to you?" Mulder relates his toaster incident. "Oh...I see. Here's all the work for the next week I'm going to Jamaica." Scully replies while handing him the papers.
"Wha...who am I gonna torture while your gone?" Mulder asks with a worried tone.
"I don't know, Skinner?" Scully says and walks out the door.
Mulder stands there dumbfounded. He slumps down into his chair and begins to huck pencils at the ceiling.
(39 minutes later) Skinner walks through the door and says, "Here's a case for you." He flings a file at Mulder's forehead and walks out the door. Mulder sits there slightly dazed from the impact.
He gets a ladder out of the closet and sets it up next to his desk and puts the files on top of his "To Do" pile. (Holds up a card saying joke) Mulder then climbs down and puts the ladder away. He decides to wet his whistle so he takes a blender out of his drawer and begins to make a smoothie.
Finishing his smoothie he notices there's a bit left in the blender. Deciding it's naughty to waste it he tries to stick his face in. Finding that he can't get to it this way he shoves head in. He also can't get to it this way so he tries to pull his head out, but he can't get the blender off. He sticks his tongue out, but it gets stuck between his lower lip and the plastic of the blender.
Unable to get the blender off he seeks the help of A.D. Skinner. He reaches the office and the assistant lets him through right away seeing he's in another jam. Walking through the door he yells, much like Jar Jar Binks, "I'm stuck!"
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"I'm stuck!" Mulder says as he lets out a girlish cry.
"Huh? Are you here for a reason?!"
"I'm stuck!"
"Mulder, I can't understand you. Is there a problem I'm not seeing?" This goes on in the same manner for 30 minutes. Finally Mulder grabs a piece of paper and scribbles that he's stuck in a blender. "Oh...I just thought you got a new hair cut. Let me help get that off you."
Skinner puts his foot on Mulder's shoulder and pulls on the blender with all his might, this doesn't work. "Wait let me go get the base then we can turn it on and maybe that will unstick it."
"NO NO NO!" Mulder chokes out.
"All right all right you big sissy." He continues to try and pull the blender off and this goes on for sometime. Finally Skinner gets so frustrated he shoots the top of the blender off before Mulder could object. Shards of blender lodge themselves in Mulder's skin along with the bullet.
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
"Oh be quiet, well, maybe we SHOULD get you to the ER" So Skinner drives Mulder to the hospital where they pull the blender off along with all the other objects lodged in his head.
They do find a couple round metal dealies, but they can't figure out what they are. They wrap his head up in gauze only leaving small slits by his eyes, nose, and mouth. Skinner decides he should take the rest of the day off. Skinner drives back to the office, but leaving Mulder without any transportation. So Mulder begins his journey home on foot.
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8:37 P.M. Mulder is still groggy from morphine injections that he received in the ER, but he still insists on walking home even though one of the nurses suggested a cab. He stumbles down the dark alley towards his apartment, but fails to notice the black and white figures behind him. He walks on into the alley when the figures advance on him with dead fish.
He yells a muffled phrase, "The Penguins are coming." Alas no one hears his cry as the black and white clad figures drag him down the alley. Mulder is thrown on the ground and finds himself being beaten about the head with dead fish. He loses consciousness as the stench overtakes him.
He awakes to the sound of an ambulance coming towards him. Instead of picking him up it runs him over THEN stops. "Oh crap, were gonna get blamed for this."
"Oh shut up and pick him up we'll just tell the doctor that's how he was when we got here" The ambulance driver straps him to a stretcher and drive him to the ER for the third time today.
After being taking to the ER for the...ummm let me count...third time today, he's been put in a body cast and laid in a bed somewhere in the hospital. After hours of waiting he receives a phone call from Scully, but since he can't reach the phone or actually hold it to his ear a nurse has to do it for him.
"Mulder..." he grumbles.
"Hi, Mulder. How's it going?" Mulder can here Jamaican music and the ocean in the background.
"Ummm...I'm in a body cast."
Scully sighs heavily, "Great now Skinner is going to make me come back from my WELL-deserved vacation just to see you! I swear I could kill you and maybe I will!"
A few hours later Skinner drops by with a box of half eaten chocolates. Mulder notes there's brown smudges around Skinner's mouth. "So Muldy, How ya feeling" Skinner says as he inches his way toward the rest of the chocolate.
"I'M IN A BODY CAST. HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL!?"
" Ah...Hope you feel better. I expect you to come to work tomorrow. Bye." Skinner replies and snatches the chocolates and runs out the door."
"Oh I wanted to eat those so much" Mulder thinks to himself. An hour later a big, gruff, looking nurse named Cathy comes in with a tray of food. Apparently she doesn't have very good eyesight, because when she attempts to feed him she pokes the spoon into his eyes and nose. She also dribbles the food down his chin. Very little of the food reaches his mouth and that small amount only reaches his mouth because he licks it off his chin.
When the nurse leaves he thinks to himself, "I wonder what's worse being in this body cast or starving to death."
He drifts into a deep sleep, but is awakened abruptly by someone yelling at the top of their lungs, "ALRIGHT, I'M HERE!"
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Mulder lurches forward abruptly to the sound of Scully, but winces back in pain forgetting he's in a body cast. He lays himself down gently and grumbles about Scully's attitude. "Sorry." Scully says with a Half a$$ed tone. "So what happened to you anyway."
"I was attacked by penguins."
"Hmmm... Maybe I should tell the nurse to cut back on the morphine." Scully thinks to herself.
"Scully I have been thinking..."
Scully chuckles and mumbles,"That's a first."
"What did you just say, Scully?"
"Ummm...nothing."
"Oh well...anyway I have realized that I could be dead tomorrow and that there's always been something I wanted to tell you. Scully, I... I..." Mulder suddenly grabs his chest. "I think my heart just stopped." Mulder chokes out before losing consciousness. Scully is dumbfounded, but manages to call out for the nurse.
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(7:15 A.M.) Mulder awakes to the sound of chewing. He wearily opens his eyes to find a half-eaten breakfast on a tray in front of him and the LGM and Scully sitting near it. He watches as they grab bits of the meal. They obviously don't know he's awake yet. When Langly reaches for another piece of his toast he weakly hits his hand, but recoils back forgetting his arm is broken.
Frohike, Byers, and Scully quickly swallow down his food. "Mulder, How are you feeling?" Scully asks.
"Humph."
"What's your problem? Did you wake up on the wrong side of the bed or something?" Asks Langly.
"IF YOU HAVEN'T NOTICED I'M IN A BODY CAST AND YOUR EATING MY FOOD!"
"No we weren't." Scully states.
"Yes you were I just say you."
"It was all an illusion."
"No, it wasn't!"
"Yes, it was."
"No, it wasn't!"
"Yes, it was."
"Look stop contradicting me."
"I wasn't!"
"Yes, you were."
"No, I wasn't"
"Look will you two shut up!" Frohike yells as he glares at Mulder.
"Skinner sent me down here so I could pick you up and drive you to work." Scully explains as she helps Mulder into a wheelchair. They roll him to the LGM's van when they realize they locked the keys in the van
"You idiots! That's the last time I come with you!" Scully screams as she hits them in the manner the "Three stooges" would. They walk down towards the street and Byers hails a cab. Byer's asks Scully if she would pay for the cab since the LGM hadn't brought any money. Scully reaches for her wallet and curses to herself remembering she had left it at home. Using her cell phone she dials Skinner, but the line is busy. "D*** Secretary's personal calls. So they begin their long walk towards FBI Headquarters.
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They had been walking for ten minutes now and Mulder has become very itchy in all the casts. They had come to a dip in the sidewalk when Mulder began fidgeting. They began their way down the steep sidewalk when Mulder suddenly flew forward into a tree. Scully let go of the wheel chair to go after Mulder, but it rolled forwards and crashed in Mulder's rear end. Scully had made it down first, but the LGM followed close behind.
"Ooooooouuuuuu...." Mulder gargled. They noticed a few of his casts had been knocked off from the fall.
"Well nothing a little glue can't fix." chirped Langly.
"Shut up and pick him up."
Since the wheel chair had been totaled they had to carry him the rest of the way. They decided to use the alleyways so as not to get people suspicious. They had been only a few blocks away when they had come to a dark alley with many gang symbols.
They were almost through when they were surrounded by a bunch of pink haired freaks with chains. "Well hello girly girl" The apparent leader boomed.
"Heya backy offa yousa Denis Rodman wanne-be's." Mulder choked out. They managed to slug him a few times before they were driven away by Scully's badge and gun. They dragged Mulder through the front of the FBI Headquarters. They decided to take the stairs down to the office. They began dragging Mulder down the stairs.
"Ah..ou..son of a...ouch" They hadn't realized he had been hitting his head until they had gotten to the bottom of the stairs. A large purple lump had now formed on his forehead. They dragged him through the office door when they heard Skinner coming.
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They had just finished hiding Mulder when Skinner walk's through the door. Scully notes he has brown smudges on his face and he looks like he has gained a few pounds over the night.
"What's going on here and where is Agent Mulder?" inquires Skinner.
"Oh...ummm...he's using the bathroom. Yeah that's it he's in the bathroom." Scully replies.
"Oh well...shouldn't one of you be helping him?"
"Right away sir!" The LGM all say in unison as they head out the door. Skinner leaves a new case file on Mulder's desk as he walks out the door.
"That was close." Scully walks over to Mulder's desk and looks underneath it. Scully drags Mulder out from under the desk. The LGM walk back in with a bottle of Elmer's Glue.
They walk up to Mulder and Frohike proceeds to glue the casts back on. When he finishes he throughs up his hands and yells, "It's a masterpiece!" Scully groans and picks Mulder up and lays him in a chair with wheels. Langly punches Mulder playfully in the arm as they ready to leave,
"Get better buddy." Mulder winces at the punch. Frohike walks into the door forgetting Skinner had closed it, he grins at Scully. Byer's opens the door for them and the LGM exit.
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"You are such an idiot! I mean my god I'm gone for what two days and I find out your in a body cast. I knew I should have killed you when I had the chance! Anyway Skinner left us this case. Something about voodoo and witch doctor crap. I'm going to go check it out. Stay here and don't touch ANYTHING!"
Scully exits leaving Mulder in pain and very, very bored. He scoots over to Scully's computer and along with a lot of pain turns it on. (Two hours later) After Mulder's thirty-eighth game of Solitaire, he decides to do something else. He connects to the Internet and begins surfing the web. He visits and number of sites many of which I'd rather not mention.(Wink, wink, nudge, nudge) He disconnects and wonders what else he can do with Scully's computer.
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Meanwhile...
"So your saying this dog is actually a person?"
"Yes..." Officer Simpson replies.
"That's it I'm outa here." Scully begins to cross the street when a bizarre looking car with a bizarre looking driver flies downs the road. She screams and tries to dive off the road, but the car barrels into her. She falls into the ditch unconscious. When she wakes up she hears a voice.
"Hey, you! Red head!"
"Uh, who is that?" Scully moans
"Its me, the ditch!"
Scully mumbles "That's a new one."
"I'm called Mr. Magic ditch, and I will give you magic powers for one day, two hours, twenty seven minutes, and seventeen seconds if you call some one out here to clean me."
"Uh, okay." Scully says and then pulls her self out of the ditch and goes to get a maintenance person.
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Scully departs from the plane, heading towards FBI Headquarters. She walks down the corridor and steps through the door marked Fox Mulder. Mulder is sitting if front of the computer (not facing it) trying to twiddle his thumbs.
"Mulder you'll never guess what just happened to me..." She suddenly notices smoke raising out from behind Mulder. "What the he** is that?!"
"What?" Mulder asks innocently.
"The smoke raising from my computer."
"Oh that...that's nothing."
"Mulder what did you do to my computer?!"
"Nothing!" At this time Scully runs over shoving Mulder out of the way. Mulder can't control the wheelchair and he crashes into the closet.
"Oh dear god! What did you do to my computer?!!!"
" I tried to hot-wire it." Mulder timidly responds.
"How do you hot-wire a computer?! Is that even possible?!" Scully is now standing in front of Mulder pointing her finger at him.
"You now Scully when you point at someone there's always three fingers pointing towards you." Scully's finger suddenly ignites. Mulder stares at her finger dumbfounded and suddenly thinks to himself, "I shouldn't have said that."
Suddenly his neck feels really wobbly. He looks down noticing he's no longer in the body cast but in a giant box. He feels his neck waving back and forth and a pointy hat.
"You turned me into a Jack in the Box?" She looks down at her finger,
"Wow this really does work." She proceeds to explain how she got her powers.
"Scully, I don't want to alarm you, but your story isn't helping my predicament."
"It's doesn't alarm me, it actually amuses me" Mulder groans.
After two hours of Scully trying to change Mulder back to his old self she decides to call the LGM to see if they have any bright suggestions. Fifteen minutes later the LGM enter the office.
"Whoa Mulder, I don't know what to say." Stammers Byers. Mulder's head bobs back and forth as he rolls his eyes. At this time Skinner walks through the door and hands a file to Scully.
Skinner looks down at Mulder, "Nice to see you're out of that body cast Agent Mulder." He is obviously oblivious to the fact that he's a Jack in the Box. Skinner nods to the LGM and he exits the office. The LGM crowd around Mulder poking at him while Scully reads from the case file outloud.
"Group of Mafia leaders believed to be smuggling tax forms to a deserted ware house. This isn't an X-File. This is...is...I don't even know what this is."
"We can help." offers Langly.
"Yeah okay." Scully grabs her coat and heads out the door. The LGM follow.
"Hey what about me?" yells Mulder. Nobody answers. Mulder grumbles as he hops out the door.
The LGM decide to take their van and meet Scully and Mulder at the warehouse. Scully is standing by the car when Mulder finally hops over. Mulder begins to hop over to the driver's seat, but Scully grabs him by the clown collar.
"Oh no you don't. I'm driving."
"But...but...but."
Scully picks him up and buckles him into the passenger seat. "If you were any smaller I'd have to get you a child's car seat."
Mulder try's to bite her after that remark, but Scully pulls away and laughs at him." She sits down in the driver side and starts the car. Fifteen minutes later Scully groans.
"What's wrong?" questions Mulder with a worried tone.
"I think were lost."
"I should have driven."
"You don't have any arms!"
"What does that have to do with any thing?"
"Forget it, just hand me that map."
Mulder struggles to reach the map, but he can't reach far enough. "Ugh...you're worthless." Scully reaches down to grab the map.
"Sculleeeee, watch the road!!!!" A car she hadn't noticed before had driven right in front of her, she hits the brakes and the car squeals. Since Mulder's head isn't fastened down it fly's through the windshield. "Ouuccchhhh...." Scully climbs out of the car and around to the front. "My head hurrrtss."
"Hehe, well I guess I should have tied your head down."
"Well Mulder your lucky the spring didn't fly off." She carefully pulls Mulder back through the windshield.
"Yeah well, just don't make any more quick stops."
"Well even if I do you won't have to worry."
"What's that supposed to mean?" Scully grins and crams Mulder's head in the box and shuts the lid tightly. "Hey come on let me outta here! (gasp) I can't breath, open the lid!"
"Well screaming is just going to use up more air, Mulder."
"Not funny. Just let me outta here."
"Oh just relax ya big sissy."
"Errrg..."
Scully starts the car and they drive off toward the warehouse.
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They arrive at the warehouse and find Langly picking his nose and Byers and Frohike yelling at each other. Scully goes around to the passenger seat and unbuckles Mulder. She carries him over to the warehouse door and opens the lid...
"(Gasping) Thank you...My god I almost suffocated!" Scully roles her eyes. Scully nods to the LGM while she takes out her gun. She opens the door and steps in quietly. The LGM find some flimsy sticks and follow after Scully.
Mulder grumbles and takes out his gun. Since he has no arms he has to carry it in his mouth, so you can imagine it's pretty dangerous. He hops after Scully and the LGM. After they are all together, Scully notes the large crates of tax forms.
"Thank you "Captain Obvious". Mulder says dryly.
"Don't make me cram you back in there." Scully replies as she glares at Mulder. Suddenly Mulder freezes.
"What?" They all say in unison.
"Scully."
"Yeah?"
"Hop..er..run!" Just as Mulder says that a group of angry Mafia leaders storm out from the shadows. Mulder is already hoping away, but he is easily out run by Scully and the LGM. The Mafia begins chucking pineapples, oranges, lemons; you name it at them.
"Oh god, fruit!" Mulder tries to quicken his pace, but trips over a crate of tax forms.
"Dang it!" Scully turns around just enough to see Mulder go down. She wants to convince herself to go get him, but it's better him then her..."Oh screw it." She turns around and grabs Mulder by the box, but his head is hanging down and dragging along the floor.
"ah...ou...son of a...crap..." The LGM make it to a storage closet, they pull Scully and Mulder in after them. Langly bolts the door and Frohike pushes some crates in front of it.
Mulder, Scully, Frohike, Langly, and Byers all stare at each other panting. The sound of fruit can be heard flying against the door. Mulder having lost his gun when talking to Scully, hops over towards her feeling more protected. That is of course because she still has her gun.
"Jesus Mulder, your like a dog." chuckles Scully. Mulder gives her some of those famous puppy dog eyes. (Two Hours later) Langly and Byers sat back to back asleep. Frohike was leaning against a crate polishing his stick. And Scully sat by the door half-awake stroking her gun.
This reminded Mulder of one of those war movies. If only he had a harmonica, darn! The sound of fruit hitting the door had finally ceased fifteen minutes ago. Scully got up.
"I'm going out there. I think there gone." No one protested, better her then them. Suddenly Frohike realized what she was saying.
"You can't go out there by yourself you shouldn't even go out there yourself. I'll go instead of you."
"Look we can discuss male and female capabilities when I get back." Scully opened the door and crept out. Frohike re-bolted the door and sat down. Frohike was honestly bored and so were the others. Langly glances down at Mulder and then to Byers.
"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" Mulder gives Langly a look,
"Thinking what? What are you thinking? Come on what is it?" Byers grins. Langly punches Mulder in the head and it bounces back and forth. "Ouch!!! What was that for?" Byer joins in and punches Mulder in the forehead. Again it bounces back and fourth. "Ouch, quit it!"
"Hehe this is fun."
"Hey come on let me try." chirps Frohike. Frohike punches Mulder in the head. His head bobs violently and recoils back hitting Frohike in the face.
"Haha, serves you right!" Mulder yells. They all freeze what there doing when they here a blood curdling scream.
"Hey that was a scream." Mulder say obviously worried. They all look at each other.
(2 minutes later)
"Hey that was Scully's scream!" Mulder suddenly realizes. "All right I'm going out there. If I need any help I'll yell...um...Mamba Jamba." Mulder tells the LGM sternly. "Understand?"
"Yes, we stay in the room even if you yell Mamba Jamba." Replies Frohike.
"No, No, No. You come and help me WHEN I yell Mamba Jamba."
"Oh okay we come and help you except if you say Mamba Jamba."
"No, look it's quite easy to understand even for you. If I yell Mamba Jamba you come out of the room and help me."
"Oh yes of course." Mulder begins to leave the room when the LGM begin to follow him.
"What are you doing?"
"Were coming with you."
"Oh forget it. Just stay here!"
"Okey Dokey." Mulder grabs and board with a nail in it and hops cautiously out of the room. He notices it's even darker then before. Must be nighttime. He then spots the group of Mafia leaders crowded around a post. Mulder ducks down into his box. Another scream fills the air.
"This time it's personal." He thinks to himself and then remembers this is the first time he's had to deal with them. Anyways... he hops closer towards the Mafia leaders. He yells a war cry and hops towards the group. One of the Mafia leaders screams,
"Look out he's got a board...with a nail in it!" The Mafia leaders run out of the building screaming. The screeching of tires fills the air then silence. He hops over towards Scully and notices a crab apple next to her.
"My god they were trying to feed her a crab apple, those jerks!" He chews off Scully's ropes. She stumbles forward.
"Thanks Mulder I owe you one."
"What that's it no victory kisses?!" Scully shrugs. Scully and Mulder leave the warehouse since it was time to call it a night... (2 hours later) The LGM are still in the warehouse storage room.
"Hello Mulder Scully is it safe to come out?" They all say in unison. "Hello?" Helllooooo?"
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Scully and Mulder didn't talk much on the way home. When they were not more than five minutes away from Mulder's apartment Scully spoke up. "Say Mulder how bout you spend the night at my house because of your inability."
"Ummm...okay." Scully turned the car around and fifteen minutes later they arrived at Scully's apartment. She sat Mulder down on the table while she sat on the couch.
"How about we watch a little TV."
"Okay." Mulder said drifting off into a deep sleep. This was the most peaceful moment today. (Fifteen minutes later) Mulder awoke to being poked in the face. Scully was trying to reach the remote, but she was obviously to absorbed in the TV to see where she was reaching. She poked him in the face several times.
"Ouch, watch it!" But Scully didn't hear him. She poked Mulder in the eye, and flash of light came out of her finger and Mulder was changed back to his old self (woo-hoo!) Though Mulder was still on the end table. It rocked violently and fell over.
"Ouch!!!" Scully snapped out of her trance. She looked down at Mulder and then at her watch.
"With 17 seconds to spare and you were worried." She suddenly noticed bits of plastic surrounding Mulder. "Hey is that..errr..was that my remote?!"
"Ummm...hehe...ooops."
"I'll kill you! Ruin my remote! I'll ruin you!" Scully begins chasing Mulder around the apartment.
"Haha, can't catch me!" He dashes into the bathroom and locks the door.
"Mulder open the door this instant!" He doesn't. "All right fine stay in there."
"Okay I will."
"Errrg, Mulder open the door."
"No." This goes on into the wee hours of the night. Finally at 6:30 A.M. Scully looks at her watch.
"Oh crap, we gotta get to work." She throughs on some clothes leaving Mulder behind.
He opens the door cautiously and grins, "Hehe, I won." He walks out the door locking it behind him. He walks down the corridor and turns the corner when Scully tackles him.
"Hehe, I won." Mulder grins and they drive to FBI Headquarters. They reach the office and sit down just as Skinner walks in. Scully notes a large bandage over his left eye. (Note: While Mulder and Scully were at the warehouse, Skinner came in to clean up the place. While cleaning a pencil from the ceiling hit his shoulder. He looked up and one came down point first hitting him in the eye, ouch! Informant isn't I?)
Anyway Skinner walks over and try's to hand Mulder an invitation, but instead pokes him in the nose and eye. He grabs the Invitation and reads outloud,
"Your are Cordially Invited to the Grand Opening of Cretaceous Carnival!"
"It came to you and Agent Scully in the mall today, first class too." Skinner stated. "The directions and so on are inside."
"You read our mail?" Scully asked.
"Ummm...no...it was a guess...Gotta go!" After saying that Skinner runs out the door.
"Well we'd be go back so we can cath the flight." Mulder say indeed excited. They say goodbye and depart the office to go home.
The End?
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Mulder's Bad Day
By: TRUSTNO1 and The Thinker
Beep! Beep! Beep! Mulder's eyes pop open and he yells, "I'll kill you!" He grabs his gun and shoots the alarm clock that flies across the room. He rolls off the couch onto his face while cursing to himself. He get's up, get's dressed, and realizes he is hungrier than usual.
Scuttling to the kitchen he finds a moldy piece of bread under the fridge. "Eh, what are you gonna do?" he comments to himself. He pops it in the toaster and then picks up a glass of orange aide that has been sitting on the counter for three weeks.
Sipping his orange aide he snatches an egg from a mouse while in the process of rolling it into it's hole in the wall. Looking out the window he see's it's 98 degrees. He opens the window and then cracks the egg on the windowsill. Turning back he finds the toaster belching black smoke.
"My toast!" he cries. Running over he plunges his hand into the toaster forgetting it's still on. He yells a naughty word and rips his red, swelling hand from the toaster. Looking down at the hand he cannot feel he smiles triumphantly (despite the pain) at the burnt black crust in his hand. Forgetting the egg and the rancid orange drink our brave warrior marches out the door off to work. However he makes a quick stop to the ER before reaching work.
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Mulder walks into the basement office with a bandaged hand. Scully looks up from her paperwork and asks, "What happened to you?" Mulder relates his toaster incident. "Oh...I see. Here's all the work for the next week I'm going to Jamaica." Scully replies while handing him the papers.
"Wha...who am I gonna torture while your gone?" Mulder asks with a worried tone.
"I don't know, Skinner?" Scully says and walks out the door.
Mulder stands there dumbfounded. He slumps down into his chair and begins to huck pencils at the ceiling.
(39 minutes later) Skinner walks through the door and says, "Here's a case for you." He flings a file at Mulder's forehead and walks out the door. Mulder sits there slightly dazed from the impact.
He gets a ladder out of the closet and sets it up next to his desk and puts the files on top of his "To Do" pile. (Holds up a card saying joke) Mulder then climbs down and puts the ladder away. He decides to wet his whistle so he takes a blender out of his drawer and begins to make a smoothie.
Finishing his smoothie he notices there's a bit left in the blender. Deciding it's naughty to waste it he tries to stick his face in. Finding that he can't get to it this way he shoves head in. He also can't get to it this way so he tries to pull his head out, but he can't get the blender off. He sticks his tongue out, but it gets stuck between his lower lip and the plastic of the blender.
Unable to get the blender off he seeks the help of A.D. Skinner. He reaches the office and the assistant lets him through right away seeing he's in another jam. Walking through the door he yells, much like Jar Jar Binks, "I'm stuck!"
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"I'm stuck!" Mulder says as he lets out a girlish cry.
"Huh? Are you here for a reason?!"
"I'm stuck!"
"Mulder, I can't understand you. Is there a problem I'm not seeing?" This goes on in the same manner for 30 minutes. Finally Mulder grabs a piece of paper and scribbles that he's stuck in a blender. "Oh...I just thought you got a new hair cut. Let me help get that off you."
Skinner puts his foot on Mulder's shoulder and pulls on the blender with all his might, this doesn't work. "Wait let me go get the base then we can turn it on and maybe that will unstick it."
"NO NO NO!" Mulder chokes out.
"All right all right you big sissy." He continues to try and pull the blender off and this goes on for sometime. Finally Skinner gets so frustrated he shoots the top of the blender off before Mulder could object. Shards of blender lodge themselves in Mulder's skin along with the bullet.
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
"Oh be quiet, well, maybe we SHOULD get you to the ER" So Skinner drives Mulder to the hospital where they pull the blender off along with all the other objects lodged in his head.
They do find a couple round metal dealies, but they can't figure out what they are. They wrap his head up in gauze only leaving small slits by his eyes, nose, and mouth. Skinner decides he should take the rest of the day off. Skinner drives back to the office, but leaving Mulder without any transportation. So Mulder begins his journey home on foot.
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8:37 P.M. Mulder is still groggy from morphine injections that he received in the ER, but he still insists on walking home even though one of the nurses suggested a cab. He stumbles down the dark alley towards his apartment, but fails to notice the black and white figures behind him. He walks on into the alley when the figures advance on him with dead fish.
He yells a muffled phrase, "The Penguins are coming." Alas no one hears his cry as the black and white clad figures drag him down the alley. Mulder is thrown on the ground and finds himself being beaten about the head with dead fish. He loses consciousness as the stench overtakes him.
He awakes to the sound of an ambulance coming towards him. Instead of picking him up it runs him over THEN stops. "Oh crap, were gonna get blamed for this."
"Oh shut up and pick him up we'll just tell the doctor that's how he was when we got here" The ambulance driver straps him to a stretcher and drive him to the ER for the third time today.
After being taking to the ER for the...ummm let me count...third time today, he's been put in a body cast and laid in a bed somewhere in the hospital. After hours of waiting he receives a phone call from Scully, but since he can't reach the phone or actually hold it to his ear a nurse has to do it for him.
"Mulder..." he grumbles.
"Hi, Mulder. How's it going?" Mulder can here Jamaican music and the ocean in the background.
"Ummm...I'm in a body cast."
Scully sighs heavily, "Great now Skinner is going to make me come back from my WELL-deserved vacation just to see you! I swear I could kill you and maybe I will!"
A few hours later Skinner drops by with a box of half eaten chocolates. Mulder notes there's brown smudges around Skinner's mouth. "So Muldy, How ya feeling" Skinner says as he inches his way toward the rest of the chocolate.
"I'M IN A BODY CAST. HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL!?"
" Ah...Hope you feel better. I expect you to come to work tomorrow. Bye." Skinner replies and snatches the chocolates and runs out the door."
"Oh I wanted to eat those so much" Mulder thinks to himself. An hour later a big, gruff, looking nurse named Cathy comes in with a tray of food. Apparently she doesn't have very good eyesight, because when she attempts to feed him she pokes the spoon into his eyes and nose. She also dribbles the food down his chin. Very little of the food reaches his mouth and that small amount only reaches his mouth because he licks it off his chin.
When the nurse leaves he thinks to himself, "I wonder what's worse being in this body cast or starving to death."
He drifts into a deep sleep, but is awakened abruptly by someone yelling at the top of their lungs, "ALRIGHT, I'M HERE!"
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Mulder lurches forward abruptly to the sound of Scully, but winces back in pain forgetting he's in a body cast. He lays himself down gently and grumbles about Scully's attitude. "Sorry." Scully says with a Half a$$ed tone. "So what happened to you anyway."
"I was attacked by penguins."
"Hmmm... Maybe I should tell the nurse to cut back on the morphine." Scully thinks to herself.
"Scully I have been thinking..."
Scully chuckles and mumbles,"That's a first."
"What did you just say, Scully?"
"Ummm...nothing."
"Oh well...anyway I have realized that I could be dead tomorrow and that there's always been something I wanted to tell you. Scully, I... I..." Mulder suddenly grabs his chest. "I think my heart just stopped." Mulder chokes out before losing consciousness. Scully is dumbfounded, but manages to call out for the nurse.
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(7:15 A.M.) Mulder awakes to the sound of chewing. He wearily opens his eyes to find a half-eaten breakfast on a tray in front of him and the LGM and Scully sitting near it. He watches as they grab bits of the meal. They obviously don't know he's awake yet. When Langly reaches for another piece of his toast he weakly hits his hand, but recoils back forgetting his arm is broken.
Frohike, Byers, and Scully quickly swallow down his food. "Mulder, How are you feeling?" Scully asks.
"Humph."
"What's your problem? Did you wake up on the wrong side of the bed or something?" Asks Langly.
"IF YOU HAVEN'T NOTICED I'M IN A BODY CAST AND YOUR EATING MY FOOD!"
"No we weren't." Scully states.
"Yes you were I just say you."
"It was all an illusion."
"No, it wasn't!"
"Yes, it was."
"No, it wasn't!"
"Yes, it was."
"Look stop contradicting me."
"I wasn't!"
"Yes, you were."
"No, I wasn't"
"Look will you two shut up!" Frohike yells as he glares at Mulder.
"Skinner sent me down here so I could pick you up and drive you to work." Scully explains as she helps Mulder into a wheelchair. They roll him to the LGM's van when they realize they locked the keys in the van
"You idiots! That's the last time I come with you!" Scully screams as she hits them in the manner the "Three stooges" would. They walk down towards the street and Byers hails a cab. Byer's asks Scully if she would pay for the cab since the LGM hadn't brought any money. Scully reaches for her wallet and curses to herself remembering she had left it at home. Using her cell phone she dials Skinner, but the line is busy. "D*** Secretary's personal calls. So they begin their long walk towards FBI Headquarters.
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They had been walking for ten minutes now and Mulder has become very itchy in all the casts. They had come to a dip in the sidewalk when Mulder began fidgeting. They began their way down the steep sidewalk when Mulder suddenly flew forward into a tree. Scully let go of the wheel chair to go after Mulder, but it rolled forwards and crashed in Mulder's rear end. Scully had made it down first, but the LGM followed close behind.
"Ooooooouuuuuu...." Mulder gargled. They noticed a few of his casts had been knocked off from the fall.
"Well nothing a little glue can't fix." chirped Langly.
"Shut up and pick him up."
Since the wheel chair had been totaled they had to carry him the rest of the way. They decided to use the alleyways so as not to get people suspicious. They had been only a few blocks away when they had come to a dark alley with many gang symbols.
They were almost through when they were surrounded by a bunch of pink haired freaks with chains. "Well hello girly girl" The apparent leader boomed.
"Heya backy offa yousa Denis Rodman wanne-be's." Mulder choked out. They managed to slug him a few times before they were driven away by Scully's badge and gun. They dragged Mulder through the front of the FBI Headquarters. They decided to take the stairs down to the office. They began dragging Mulder down the stairs.
"Ah..ou..son of a...ouch" They hadn't realized he had been hitting his head until they had gotten to the bottom of the stairs. A large purple lump had now formed on his forehead. They dragged him through the office door when they heard Skinner coming.
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They had just finished hiding Mulder when Skinner walk's through the door. Scully notes he has brown smudges on his face and he looks like he has gained a few pounds over the night.
"What's going on here and where is Agent Mulder?" inquires Skinner.
"Oh...ummm...he's using the bathroom. Yeah that's it he's in the bathroom." Scully replies.
"Oh well...shouldn't one of you be helping him?"
"Right away sir!" The LGM all say in unison as they head out the door. Skinner leaves a new case file on Mulder's desk as he walks out the door.
"That was close." Scully walks over to Mulder's desk and looks underneath it. Scully drags Mulder out from under the desk. The LGM walk back in with a bottle of Elmer's Glue.
They walk up to Mulder and Frohike proceeds to glue the casts back on. When he finishes he throughs up his hands and yells, "It's a masterpiece!" Scully groans and picks Mulder up and lays him in a chair with wheels. Langly punches Mulder playfully in the arm as they ready to leave,
"Get better buddy." Mulder winces at the punch. Frohike walks into the door forgetting Skinner had closed it, he grins at Scully. Byer's opens the door for them and the LGM exit.
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"You are such an idiot! I mean my god I'm gone for what two days and I find out your in a body cast. I knew I should have killed you when I had the chance! Anyway Skinner left us this case. Something about voodoo and witch doctor crap. I'm going to go check it out. Stay here and don't touch ANYTHING!"
Scully exits leaving Mulder in pain and very, very bored. He scoots over to Scully's computer and along with a lot of pain turns it on. (Two hours later) After Mulder's thirty-eighth game of Solitaire, he decides to do something else. He connects to the Internet and begins surfing the web. He visits and number of sites many of which I'd rather not mention.(Wink, wink, nudge, nudge) He disconnects and wonders what else he can do with Scully's computer.
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Meanwhile...
"So your saying this dog is actually a person?"
"Yes..." Officer Simpson replies.
"That's it I'm outa here." Scully begins to cross the street when a bizarre looking car with a bizarre looking driver flies downs the road. She screams and tries to dive off the road, but the car barrels into her. She falls into the ditch unconscious. When she wakes up she hears a voice.
"Hey, you! Red head!"
"Uh, who is that?" Scully moans
"Its me, the ditch!"
Scully mumbles "That's a new one."
"I'm called Mr. Magic ditch, and I will give you magic powers for one day, two hours, twenty seven minutes, and seventeen seconds if you call some one out here to clean me."
"Uh, okay." Scully says and then pulls her self out of the ditch and goes to get a maintenance person.
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Scully departs from the plane, heading towards FBI Headquarters. She walks down the corridor and steps through the door marked Fox Mulder. Mulder is sitting if front of the computer (not facing it) trying to twiddle his thumbs.
"Mulder you'll never guess what just happened to me..." She suddenly notices smoke raising out from behind Mulder. "What the he** is that?!"
"What?" Mulder asks innocently.
"The smoke raising from my computer."
"Oh that...that's nothing."
"Mulder what did you do to my computer?!"
"Nothing!" At this time Scully runs over shoving Mulder out of the way. Mulder can't control the wheelchair and he crashes into the closet.
"Oh dear god! What did you do to my computer?!!!"
" I tried to hot-wire it." Mulder timidly responds.
"How do you hot-wire a computer?! Is that even possible?!" Scully is now standing in front of Mulder pointing her finger at him.
"You now Scully when you point at someone there's always three fingers pointing towards you." Scully's finger suddenly ignites. Mulder stares at her finger dumbfounded and suddenly thinks to himself, "I shouldn't have said that."
Suddenly his neck feels really wobbly. He looks down noticing he's no longer in the body cast but in a giant box. He feels his neck waving back and forth and a pointy hat.
"You turned me into a Jack in the Box?" She looks down at her finger,
"Wow this really does work." She proceeds to explain how she got her powers.
"Scully, I don't want to alarm you, but your story isn't helping my predicament."
"It's doesn't alarm me, it actually amuses me" Mulder groans.
After two hours of Scully trying to change Mulder back to his old self she decides to call the LGM to see if they have any bright suggestions. Fifteen minutes later the LGM enter the office.
"Whoa Mulder, I don't know what to say." Stammers Byers. Mulder's head bobs back and forth as he rolls his eyes. At this time Skinner walks through the door and hands a file to Scully.
Skinner looks down at Mulder, "Nice to see you're out of that body cast Agent Mulder." He is obviously oblivious to the fact that he's a Jack in the Box. Skinner nods to the LGM and he exits the office. The LGM crowd around Mulder poking at him while Scully reads from the case file outloud.
"Group of Mafia leaders believed to be smuggling tax forms to a deserted ware house. This isn't an X-File. This is...is...I don't even know what this is."
"We can help." offers Langly.
"Yeah okay." Scully grabs her coat and heads out the door. The LGM follow.
"Hey what about me?" yells Mulder. Nobody answers. Mulder grumbles as he hops out the door.
The LGM decide to take their van and meet Scully and Mulder at the warehouse. Scully is standing by the car when Mulder finally hops over. Mulder begins to hop over to the driver's seat, but Scully grabs him by the clown collar.
"Oh no you don't. I'm driving."
"But...but...but."
Scully picks him up and buckles him into the passenger seat. "If you were any smaller I'd have to get you a child's car seat."
Mulder try's to bite her after that remark, but Scully pulls away and laughs at him." She sits down in the driver side and starts the car. Fifteen minutes later Scully groans.
"What's wrong?" questions Mulder with a worried tone.
"I think were lost."
"I should have driven."
"You don't have any arms!"
"What does that have to do with any thing?"
"Forget it, just hand me that map."
Mulder struggles to reach the map, but he can't reach far enough. "Ugh...you're worthless." Scully reaches down to grab the map.
"Sculleeeee, watch the road!!!!" A car she hadn't noticed before had driven right in front of her, she hits the brakes and the car squeals. Since Mulder's head isn't fastened down it fly's through the windshield. "Ouuccchhhh...." Scully climbs out of the car and around to the front. "My head hurrrtss."
"Hehe, well I guess I should have tied your head down."
"Well Mulder your lucky the spring didn't fly off." She carefully pulls Mulder back through the windshield.
"Yeah well, just don't make any more quick stops."
"Well even if I do you won't have to worry."
"What's that supposed to mean?" Scully grins and crams Mulder's head in the box and shuts the lid tightly. "Hey come on let me outta here! (gasp) I can't breath, open the lid!"
"Well screaming is just going to use up more air, Mulder."
"Not funny. Just let me outta here."
"Oh just relax ya big sissy."
"Errrg..."
Scully starts the car and they drive off toward the warehouse.
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They arrive at the warehouse and find Langly picking his nose and Byers and Frohike yelling at each other. Scully goes around to the passenger seat and unbuckles Mulder. She carries him over to the warehouse door and opens the lid...
"(Gasping) Thank you...My god I almost suffocated!" Scully roles her eyes. Scully nods to the LGM while she takes out her gun. She opens the door and steps in quietly. The LGM find some flimsy sticks and follow after Scully.
Mulder grumbles and takes out his gun. Since he has no arms he has to carry it in his mouth, so you can imagine it's pretty dangerous. He hops after Scully and the LGM. After they are all together, Scully notes the large crates of tax forms.
"Thank you "Captain Obvious". Mulder says dryly.
"Don't make me cram you back in there." Scully replies as she glares at Mulder. Suddenly Mulder freezes.
"What?" They all say in unison.
"Scully."
"Yeah?"
"Hop..er..run!" Just as Mulder says that a group of angry Mafia leaders storm out from the shadows. Mulder is already hoping away, but he is easily out run by Scully and the LGM. The Mafia begins chucking pineapples, oranges, lemons; you name it at them.
"Oh god, fruit!" Mulder tries to quicken his pace, but trips over a crate of tax forms.
"Dang it!" Scully turns around just enough to see Mulder go down. She wants to convince herself to go get him, but it's better him then her..."Oh screw it." She turns around and grabs Mulder by the box, but his head is hanging down and dragging along the floor.
"ah...ou...son of a...crap..." The LGM make it to a storage closet, they pull Scully and Mulder in after them. Langly bolts the door and Frohike pushes some crates in front of it.
Mulder, Scully, Frohike, Langly, and Byers all stare at each other panting. The sound of fruit can be heard flying against the door. Mulder having lost his gun when talking to Scully, hops over towards her feeling more protected. That is of course because she still has her gun.
"Jesus Mulder, your like a dog." chuckles Scully. Mulder gives her some of those famous puppy dog eyes. (Two Hours later) Langly and Byers sat back to back asleep. Frohike was leaning against a crate polishing his stick. And Scully sat by the door half-awake stroking her gun.
This reminded Mulder of one of those war movies. If only he had a harmonica, darn! The sound of fruit hitting the door had finally ceased fifteen minutes ago. Scully got up.
"I'm going out there. I think there gone." No one protested, better her then them. Suddenly Frohike realized what she was saying.
"You can't go out there by yourself you shouldn't even go out there yourself. I'll go instead of you."
"Look we can discuss male and female capabilities when I get back." Scully opened the door and crept out. Frohike re-bolted the door and sat down. Frohike was honestly bored and so were the others. Langly glances down at Mulder and then to Byers.
"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" Mulder gives Langly a look,
"Thinking what? What are you thinking? Come on what is it?" Byers grins. Langly punches Mulder in the head and it bounces back and forth. "Ouch!!! What was that for?" Byer joins in and punches Mulder in the forehead. Again it bounces back and fourth. "Ouch, quit it!"
"Hehe this is fun."
"Hey come on let me try." chirps Frohike. Frohike punches Mulder in the head. His head bobs violently and recoils back hitting Frohike in the face.
"Haha, serves you right!" Mulder yells. They all freeze what there doing when they here a blood curdling scream.
"Hey that was a scream." Mulder say obviously worried. They all look at each other.
(2 minutes later)
"Hey that was Scully's scream!" Mulder suddenly realizes. "All right I'm going out there. If I need any help I'll yell...um...Mamba Jamba." Mulder tells the LGM sternly. "Understand?"
"Yes, we stay in the room even if you yell Mamba Jamba." Replies Frohike.
"No, No, No. You come and help me WHEN I yell Mamba Jamba."
"Oh okay we come and help you except if you say Mamba Jamba."
"No, look it's quite easy to understand even for you. If I yell Mamba Jamba you come out of the room and help me."
"Oh yes of course." Mulder begins to leave the room when the LGM begin to follow him.
"What are you doing?"
"Were coming with you."
"Oh forget it. Just stay here!"
"Okey Dokey." Mulder grabs and board with a nail in it and hops cautiously out of the room. He notices it's even darker then before. Must be nighttime. He then spots the group of Mafia leaders crowded around a post. Mulder ducks down into his box. Another scream fills the air.
"This time it's personal." He thinks to himself and then remembers this is the first time he's had to deal with them. Anyways... he hops closer towards the Mafia leaders. He yells a war cry and hops towards the group. One of the Mafia leaders screams,
"Look out he's got a board...with a nail in it!" The Mafia leaders run out of the building screaming. The screeching of tires fills the air then silence. He hops over towards Scully and notices a crab apple next to her.
"My god they were trying to feed her a crab apple, those jerks!" He chews off Scully's ropes. She stumbles forward.
"Thanks Mulder I owe you one."
"What that's it no victory kisses?!" Scully shrugs. Scully and Mulder leave the warehouse since it was time to call it a night... (2 hours later) The LGM are still in the warehouse storage room.
"Hello Mulder Scully is it safe to come out?" They all say in unison. "Hello?" Helllooooo?"
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Scully and Mulder didn't talk much on the way home. When they were not more than five minutes away from Mulder's apartment Scully spoke up. "Say Mulder how bout you spend the night at my house because of your inability."
"Ummm...okay." Scully turned the car around and fifteen minutes later they arrived at Scully's apartment. She sat Mulder down on the table while she sat on the couch.
"How about we watch a little TV."
"Okay." Mulder said drifting off into a deep sleep. This was the most peaceful moment today. (Fifteen minutes later) Mulder awoke to being poked in the face. Scully was trying to reach the remote, but she was obviously to absorbed in the TV to see where she was reaching. She poked him in the face several times.
"Ouch, watch it!" But Scully didn't hear him. She poked Mulder in the eye, and flash of light came out of her finger and Mulder was changed back to his old self (woo-hoo!) Though Mulder was still on the end table. It rocked violently and fell over.
"Ouch!!!" Scully snapped out of her trance. She looked down at Mulder and then at her watch.
"With 17 seconds to spare and you were worried." She suddenly noticed bits of plastic surrounding Mulder. "Hey is that..errr..was that my remote?!"
"Ummm...hehe...ooops."
"I'll kill you! Ruin my remote! I'll ruin you!" Scully begins chasing Mulder around the apartment.
"Haha, can't catch me!" He dashes into the bathroom and locks the door.
"Mulder open the door this instant!" He doesn't. "All right fine stay in there."
"Okay I will."
"Errrg, Mulder open the door."
"No." This goes on into the wee hours of the night. Finally at 6:30 A.M. Scully looks at her watch.
"Oh crap, we gotta get to work." She throughs on some clothes leaving Mulder behind.
He opens the door cautiously and grins, "Hehe, I won." He walks out the door locking it behind him. He walks down the corridor and turns the corner when Scully tackles him.
"Hehe, I won." Mulder grins and they drive to FBI Headquarters. They reach the office and sit down just as Skinner walks in. Scully notes a large bandage over his left eye. (Note: While Mulder and Scully were at the warehouse, Skinner came in to clean up the place. While cleaning a pencil from the ceiling hit his shoulder. He looked up and one came down point first hitting him in the eye, ouch! Informant isn't I?)
Anyway Skinner walks over and try's to hand Mulder an invitation, but instead pokes him in the nose and eye. He grabs the Invitation and reads outloud,
"Your are Cordially Invited to the Grand Opening of Cretaceous Carnival!"
"It came to you and Agent Scully in the mall today, first class too." Skinner stated. "The directions and so on are inside."
"You read our mail?" Scully asked.
"Ummm...no...it was a guess...Gotta go!" After saying that Skinner runs out the door.
"Well we'd be go back so we can cath the flight." Mulder say indeed excited. They say goodbye and depart the office to go home.
The End?