He never noticed it.

He never noticed how many times he would offer her something to eat or he'd ask if she were hungry and she'd answer "no, I'm fine" or "I ate something earlier." It wasn't because he did not care, because he did, he cared more for her than words could ever describe. The reason he didn't notice was because he trusted her, he trusted her more than himself and he never imaged that she capable of doing something like this.

She was a dancer, always had been since she was four years old. She did every type of dance, jazz, tap, hip hop, but she especially focused on ballet. Ballet was her specialty, mostly because she had the skinny body for it but also because she had the grace, she had the precision and the discipline. She was what the dance teacher would call the "Ballet Novelty" set for the best, sure to have a free trip to Julliard. Her parents were so proud to have her as a daughter; she was beautiful, intelligent, and hardworking.

After attending Julliard, she stayed in New York to audition for the Nutcracker, to possibly be the best ballet dancer, which she had potential for. On her journey of auditioning, she met someone who would change her life forever, Ryan. He had gone to New York University College of Arts and Science on a full scholarship for academics from a fancy Prep School in upstate New York. He was an Economics major, hoping to work for the New York Stock Exchange. They met while she was food shopping, he had "accidentally" walked into her and they he introduced himself and that's where it started. It developed quickly, after having one date; they both knew they were in way over their heads with each other. They saw each other as much as possible, every second they had of free time went to each other. They truly did love each other and made it a point not to let anything get in the way of their relationship.

Marissa got into the Nutcracker, scoring the leading role of the Sugar Plum Fairy, which was a major dream for any ballet dancer. She felt like she was on a high that would never come down, she had everything she wanted. The ballet status that she had worked for her entire life, a boyfriend that was so attentive to her and cared for her so much and parents that supported her through everything. Her parents and Ryan also got along amazingly and had come to see her perform three times during the entire Christmas season, showing their support for their talented daughter or girlfriend.

Unfortunately, that high did not last. It came down when she and Ryan started to fight because he said that she never wanted to spend time with him, which wasn't true. She had been so busy with practice that she never had time to but he just didn't want to listen. Her parents had been fighting a lot and that divorce was a possibility her mother had disclosed to her, making her almost faint. Her parents' getting a divorce was the last thing she needed to hear, but that wasn't the worst. Lastly, the Nutcracker had told her that if she didn't lose excess weight then she would be replaced.

They couldn't replace her, she was Marissa Cooper. She was the Sugar Plum Fairy, she did every turn, every jumpy, ever plié correctly. She couldn't lose the one thing that made her talented, without that title, she had nothing. And she couldn't lose Ryan, the one person she loved deeply with all her heart. The one man, who loved all of her, understood her and didn't judge her. He didn't see her just as the Sugar Plum Fairy, he saw her as just Marissa and that was good enough for him. Lastly, her parents couldn't get a divorce, not Julie and James cooper. They had always been the perfect couple, they had the marriage she wanted to have, they had the love she craved for…they just couldn't get a divorce…they couldn't.

She and Ryan talked luckily and they had slowly started to work things out, she told him what had been happening and he was there to comfort her like he always was. She started to do it slowly; skipping meals…it wasn't a big deal she thought. Then it more frequently, she would skip and go to the gym to work out. The Nutcracker had told her she had done what they asked and lost the weight and they were happy with her. But it still wasn't enough because for those few days, she wasn't perfect. She wasn't the woman she strived to be, she wasn't who she needed to be. She could have easily been replaced, or Ryan could have easily broken up with her, and her parents could have easily filed for divorce. So she didn't allow it to happen, losing weight had solved one of her problems last time, so maybe it would solve another problem this time.

She couldn't deal with her life anymore, everything had gone wrong. Ryan had asked for a break, saying that he felt that if she wasn't going to act like she cared, then he wasn't going to pretend to be alright. She never knew what heartbreak was truly like, but this was even worse than she had imagined. A couple days after Ryan asked for a break, her parents called to tell her that they just couldn't work it out and were going to file for divorce. And lastly, the Nutcracker had told her that there was a new girl, fresh out of Julliard with an amazing dance record. They told her that she would be auditioning for Sugar Plum Fairy and that if she was good enough, Marissa would be replaced. They had said that Marissa was allowing her personal life to get too involved with her dancing.

Marissa felt the world crash onto her shoulders, she had nothing left. She was no longer the perfect girl she had been trying to be her entire life; she had lost everything she worked for. Her little secret started to slip in more now and then, it first starting off as an easy way to solve things. But now it was more of comfort, the more weight she lost the closer she was to being perfect. It had been exactly a month since Marissa had seen Ryan, the auditions for the new girl would be that weekend, and her parents had said the court dates would start in the next few weeks. It had been a perfect day to binge and feel full for at least a little while.

She was at the market when she ran into Ryan, she felt him staring at her bony body. The body that he had once cherished, it had been skinny no doubt, but not like this he thought. The beautifully framed face was jagged with bones and had no color whatsoever, making it more of a ghostly white. Her body which was once more supple and voluptuous was frail and weak. Her breasts had lost all form and had went down in size dramatically. Her long graceful legs looked half their normal size and her eyes…they had vanished, no longer were the bright blue they usually were, but they were pale and powerless. Her large sweatshirt covered most of her body except for one of her shoulders, leaving a clear view of the bones that were sticking out. They talked for a couple minutes, exchanging polite hello's and how are you's but she kept her head done most of the conversation until he put his finger underneath her chin and brought her eyes up to meet his.

"Are you okay?" he asked seriously, concern laced through every single word. She barely nodded and looked away trying to hide the tears that filled her eyes. He turned her head back to his view, "Marissa…look at me" and she did. She looked at him with all the strength she had, which wasn't much. She had nothing left, he could clearly see that in her eyes, but would never admit it. He hadn't been much better, but was taking care of himself, which couldn't be said for Marissa.

"I'm fine Ryan…just leave me alone" she said before walking away from him. He stood there not knowing what to do, chase after her or just let her go? He had let her go before he was aware, but he knew that now was the time that she needed him. So he followed her, he followed her back to her apartment. She got to her massive penthouse apartment and stepped inside, fully aware that he had been following her. It hadn't been more than 45 seconds before he knocked on the door. She opened the door and stared at him, not knowing what to say to him. "Marissa…I want to help you…but I don't know how-" but was cut off halfway by Marissa. "Help me?" she asked with blazing eyes, "you want to help me? Why?" she asked, almost yelling. "You need help Marissa! Look at yourself, you're as skinny as a rail" he said before running a hand over his face, but Marissa was quick with her rebuttal. "You don't get to say if I need help or not, you left me remember? I don't need your help, I'm fine now and I don't owe any explanations for how I chose to repair what you broke" Marissa said coldly, as she emphasized the "you" with distain completely apparent.

She went to close the door but he stopped it with his hand and went into the apartment, desperately trying to pull her into a hug, but she tried as hard as she could to push him away, but he wouldn't let her. She eventually gave up, allowing herself to get lost in the arms that had offered her support so many times. He held her for what felt like hours, but it was the best feeling he had felt in a long time. He picked her frail body up into his arms and carried her to her bed where they laid down together and he wrapped his arms around her while she put her head on his chest. A position they would go into after they made love or when they just wanted to be near each other.

She cried into his shoulder while he offered sweet nothings into her ear and stroked her freshly dyed dark brown hair, trying to support her best he could. She eventually stopped and all was silent in the apartment, all that could be heard was their light breathing. She spoke so quietly that he wasn't sure whether it was her or just his imagination but it was her and he listened to every word, "I do need help…I just don't know how to fix it…everything's all messed up and I cant do anything anymore" she said. Ryan brought her face up to meet his eyes, "you tell me the problem and we'll fix it together" he said supportively.

Over time they did fix most of their problems, her parents did get a divorce but she learned to deal with it, fortunately they were still as supportive as ever. The Nutcracker did choose the new girl, but not because she was better, because Marissa called before the audition and resigned. Her and Ryan had talked about it, he hadn't even suggested it, she had just looked up at him and said "I've always wondered what it would be like to stop doing the Nutcracker…I think I'd like it" she said quietly with a smile. He supported her every decision.

As for her eating disorder, they were still dealing with that today. It was 10 months later and they were living together, Ryan, Marissa and Marissa' eating disorder. As hard as Marissa tried to fight it, nothing seemed to work. It was still the comfort rock that existed in her mind for when Ryan wasn't around, it was something she needed, or at least thought she did.

Ryan made his way into their apartment after work and took off his suit jacket. Although he didn't get the major job at New York Stock Exchange, he was working for Merrill Lynch, another NYC stock company that worked with the Stock Exchange every day. He did love his job though, he heard from men that used to work for the exchange that it was a lot less stress than working at Merrill Lynch, so he was happy with his choice. He slowly walked to their bedroom where she was getting ready to go out to dinner with him. "Hey you" Marissa said before getting up to go give him a kiss, which he gladly accepted. "Hey" he replied tiredly, she placed her hand on his cheek and he half smiled at her. "I'll be ready to go in ten minutes I promise" she said with a smile before going back to her vanity, Ryan just stayed by the doorway, watching her intently.

She had gained some more weight, she looked more healthy but still not healthy enough. "She needs to gain more weight" her doctor had said; she's still dangerously low for someone of her height and age, the words remained in his mind. She was a lot happier though, he had noticed, but still he noticed moments where she would just stare at her stomach, she would have a look of complete distain on her face, and would pinch two fingers together on her stomach and stare at the tiny bit of fat that seemed to amount in the middle of her fingers, almost as if that amount was tragic when it was hardly anything.

When he didn't answer her, she turned back to him from her seat, and saw him watching her, "what?" she asked. He just shook his head before walking over to the bed, "I just thought that before we go, we could talk about something" he said as she turned completely to him. "Sure…that's fine" she said before putting down her mascara, she turned back to him and he unsteadily looked up at her, which made her stomach feel uneasy. "I was talking to one of my friends at work…his name's Greg and he was telling me about how his sister Kelly has anorexia" he started off quietly, but as soon as the word anorexia fell from his mouth, she crossed her arms over her chest and looked away from him. "And he told that she got a lot of help from this residential clinic-" he started to say but she cut him off.

"No Ryan, I'm not going there" she said firmly, he looked helplessly at her. "Marissa, this could help you" he said. "What about you?" Marissa shot back fiercely, "you don't want to help me anymore?" she asked. Ryan made his way over to her and tried to wrap his arms around her but she just pushed his arms off and walked to the other side of the bed. "Of course I want to help you but I don't know how to help you and I hate not being able to help but I just don't know how" he said before grabbing something from his pocket. It was a pamphlet; he put it on the bed in front of her which she grabbed quickly, which was all Ryan needed to see. "It could work Marissa, no more suffering …and we can move on and be the couple we're supposed to be" he said.

She stared at the pamphlet for a couple minutes and then sank down to the corner of the bed, "you don't want to deal with me anymore…do you?" she murmured as she started to cry into her hands, which made him run to her and wrap his arms around her small body. "That isn't true Marissa…I promise you that right now… I'm not leaving you for anything" he said as she hysterically cried into his neck. He slowly ran his hands up and down her back, "Marissa I love you more than anything, you're my whole world baby…I would do anything for you… you know that" he said as he kissed her temple lovingly. "But I just can't watch you hurt yourself anymore…I'm not being a good boyfriend if I keep on doing that" he said. "So please go for me Marissa…go for me and get better, and I promise that I will be there as much as I can and that I will be there in a second to come get you if you really hate it" he said as he stared into her eyes. Marissa just nodded her head, "okay" she said quietly. Ryan looked at her, "okay?" he said, Marissa nodded her head once again, "okay…I'll go" she said.

A couple weeks later, Marissa and Ryan stood in Marissa's bedroom at the Casa Palmera Clinic in Del Mar, California, saying goodbye, at least for the time being. Marissa turned to him as one of the staff left the bedroom for them to say goodbye to each other. She leaned in and hugged him as he wrapped his arms around her tightly. She cried lightly into his shoulder as he ran his hands down her back, "you'll be fine…I promise…this is one of the best clinics" he said. Marissa nodded her head and pulled her head back and leaned her forehead onto his. He kissed her lightly on the lips but as he started to pull away, she pulled him back in. She urged her tongue into his mouth and he felt every passion he had for her go into that kiss, that last kiss they would have for a while. She pulled back after a couple minutes and took a deep breath; he smiled at her and kissed her forehead. "Remember, I'm only one phone call away" he said as he started to unwrap her arms. She nodded her head as they started to exchange last goodbyes. He pulled away from her and slowly left the room.

Marissa looked around the beautifully decorated room, feeling more afraid than ever, until she heard someone re-enter the room and turned to see Ryan rushing back towards her. He pulled her into his arms and held her, while she grabbed onto him, hoping that he'd never leave. After a couple minutes, he pulled away once again and kissed her forehead then her lips softly. "I love you…so much" he said before running his hands down her back. "I thought I'd just tell you that before I left" he said quietly before grabbing one of her hands and bringing it up to his mouth to kiss. "I love you too" she said. He pulled his hands away and smiled at her, a beautiful smile it was, a smile reserved for her and walked out of the room, one last time.