Allen x Lavi story Allen!seme Lavi!uke. I own nothing. Please Review!
Chapter 1: The real Bookman
The library was empty, only Bookman and Lavi were inside it as always at such time of the night. Bookman looked thoughtful in the low candle light and when he decided to talk Lavi just wished that he hadn't.
"It's time" Bookman said and really there was nothing else for him to say for Lavi to understand what he really meant but Lavi deep down inside he just wanted to hear the specific words out of the old man's mouth so that he could live for a couple more seconds in his illusion that maybe, just maybe, the old man didn't mean what Lavi had understood. But Bookman wasn't a fool, he could read Lavi like an open book just like the books he himself has written, he could read Lavi like his was one of those books.
"We have stayed long enough, we need to move on" Bookman said and let out a sigh, a sigh that it was barely audible but for Lavi it seemed that it would have turned him deaf. Lavi wasn't a fool either, he could read the old man as well and he understood that behind that sigh there was disappointment, self blaming, self failure and uncertainty. For the first time Lavi could sense that Bookman wasn't sure about something and that something could change the whole future, the Bookmen's future, Lavi's future. That something was up to Lavi to decide, that something was a simple yes or a burdened no. Yes Lavi understood that Bookman felt that Lavi didn't want to leave, didn't want to leave from the Black Order, didn't want to leave the exorcists, didn't want to leave his "friends", and didn't want to leave Allen.
Now Lavi turned to look at Bookman and deep in the old man's eyes he could finally see emotions, emotions of disappointment and anxiety just like behind that sigh and Lavi wished that he couldn't have seen these emotions. When Bookman continued his words were laced with concern and something that felt like comprehension "I know you don't want to leave but you are a Bookman, this is your future".
Lavi kept quiet with no emotion on his face but his eye betrayed the hurt he felt in his suppose nonexistent heart and he felt that the darkness of the beloved library was slowly consuming him. Bookman looked deep in his eye like he was trying to read his very soul and Lavi thought he did. With Bookman's next words it felt like the temperature in the room had decreased because his words were laced with cold "So you are staying". Bookman said and looked away as he was disgusted by Lavi and really that would be an understandment but then Lavi broke his silence that felt heavy in the small place of the library and made Bookman realise that he couldn't read him so well after all.
"No I am a Bookman, that is my future" Lavi said feeling the words spilling out with a bitter taste and he tried really hard to say it nonchalantly and he succeeded it perfectly, something that made him feel that he didn't have emotions after all. Bookman then looked up to search his face, not his eye because he was sure that he would find the pain there and he didn't want to find the pain, he simply searched his face because on that pale face Lavi learnt very well to fake emotions and so Bookman saw what he wanted: nothing.
So Bookman broke into a smile that Lavi couldn't tell if it was fake or real. Fake because he felt the pain of his apprentice but still the Bookmen line would continue or real because he failed to see Lavi's pain.
"Well then we shall leave immediately" Bookman said with the same smile on his face and Lavi felt those words alongside that smile piercing through his heart and that made him understand that he finally had a heart. Lavi then tried to bring a smile on his face as well but failed and it came out as a half smile that felt like it was breaking his face. Bookman saw that "smile" in the low candle light and reducing his own smile he simply added "Except if you want more time to say goodbye to them". Bookman felt like adding that after he saw Lavi's face but deep inside he really wished that his apprentice didn't accept the offer.
In Lavi's mind his words were echoing: them. Now Lavi was sure that the old man knew he didn't want to leave, he refused to refer to them as the exorcists or your friends. "There is no need for goodbyes, we are Bookmen" Lavi said and now he felt the real pain, something snapped inside him and he could swear that it was his heart. He felt like someone had punched him straight to the heart and brought it out of his body. He was sure that with his own words, his own actions, his own mind he had finally removed all the evidences that he has a heart. Now instead of a heart he felt only the pain he had caused and that pain was slowly fading away leaving him with nothing.
Bookman smiled again but this time his smile was bitter and happy at the same time and Lavi could see both of the emotions in it and he didn't know how to feel about it. Feel? Isn't a little late for that? Lavi thought to himself and casted his gaze down to the open book in front of him. A book, the only things that would, should keep him company. He didn't want to say goodbye, he couldn't bring himself to. He knew that that was selfish but he just couldn't. He was afraid that he would change his mind and run back, run back to them, run back to Allen's arms and leave Bookman, his future and Bookmen's clan future behind. And Bookman knew that because he felt relieved when Lavi declined his offer and with that Lavi felt his betraying heart dying once more, slowly falling from his chest.
"We will get the midnight train then so go and pick up your things and we will be leaving in half an hour" Bookman knew that it was enough time for Lavi to gather his things and not change his mind at the same time. Then he got up from his seat and Lavi mimicked him. Bookman left and Lavi stood there alone watching the playful flame of the candle and the pale sheet of the book. He then blew out the flame and let the darkness of the library devour him as he watched the small patterns of smoke that were left after the flame died. He could relay with that flame. He looked at the smoke once more before the smoke disappeared into the air and at the same time Lavi felt all the warmth leaving him as well. He felt cold. He bowed his head and for the first time in a long time he felt something running down his face. A tear had fallen from his emerald eye like it was trying to prove him that he still had his feelings, his heart but Lavi just wipe it away with his hand leaving only the soft wetness. He then left the library and headed to his room.
Lavi headed soundlessly to his room making sure that he wouldn't wake up anyone. He reached his room and closed the door behind him. He leaned back to the door for a couple of seconds when he felt his legs giving up on him. He mastered all his strength to move away from it and find his bag. He threw it unceremoniously on the bed and started putting his clothes in it. He could see his body moving on its own, his mind working on its own and his heart failing to answer.
Just that moment he broke. He couldn't take it anymore. He broke into tears, into silent sobs. He, Lavi Bookman Jr, cried. He cried for his friends, for Allen, for his heart. He cried for himself. The tears were refreshing and heavy on his face at the same time. He felt something pumping in his chest and he knew that it was his heart. He then took that opportunity and found a piece of paper. He sat on his desk for the last time and wrote. An apology? A goodbye? Everything and nothing? Lavi thought as he was spilling his heart on that small piece of paper and made sure that none of his tears would fall on it.
He finished the writing and the tears dried on his face. He stood up, finished his bag with the same uncontrollable movements and threw the bag on his back. He then took the letter, fold it carefully like it was going to break into million pieces in his trembling hands and placed it on the bed, the bed that he wouldn't use anymore. As he left the letter he left a piece of himself behind. He closed the door behind him and when he did he knew. With that piece of paper he left his heart once and for all. He left it for Allen to find. He then finally removed his hand from the doorknob and proceeded down the hallway.
Bookman was standing outside in the cold weather waiting for his apprentice to come so that they would head to the train station and leave. The building of the Black Order was dark with only a couple of lights turned on in some places. He took one last look at the outstanding building that he was sure he wouldn't see again. His gaze then moved down to the big door of the entrance when he saw his apprentice exiting it.
"You are ready. Let's go" Bookman said once his apprentice was close enough to him to hear him and far away from the building. Lavi didn't answer he just stood next to him and they both moved even though Lavi seemed moving like a robot. His face was covered by the shadows of the night and Bookman couldn't see it clearly for him to read it. "I have already informed Komui for our departure".
Lavi then turned his head silently without stopping walking and glanced one last time at the Order. He had chosen to follow the path of a Bookman, like he was supposed. He had chosen logic. He had ignored his heart. And that made him a real Bookman.
Yeah the first chapter to go. Please review though if you want me to continue because I already have another two fics and shame on me for starting a new one but I just couldn't ignore it. So if you want me to continue with this one please review! IF I decide to continue, the next chapter will be Allen finding the letter and the third chapter will be placed five years in the future just like in the summary.