Nothing Left To Say
by inmyeyes
He hated his father's taste in music.
I can see the pain living
in your eyes
And I know how hard you've
tried
You deserve to have so much
more
I can feel your heart and
I sympathize
And I'll never criticize
All you've ever meant to my
life
As he sat in the backseat of
his father's Mercedes SUV, he tried to ignore the music that was softly surrounding
him. He leaned his head against the window, suddenly feeling weary. His eyes
traced the journey of the rain drops that splattered in the window as he
sighed deeply, feeling the cold seep through him despite the heat in the
car.
I don't wanna let you down
I don't wanna lead you on
I don't wanna hold you back
From where you might belong
He closed his eyes, and again he saw her. And he saw the two of them in that hallway as though he was watching a movie.
For once, words didn't come to him.
He had tried to find something
witty or smart or funny or.... just anything good to say so that she'd remember
his words long after he was gone. But nothing came to him. He had to say
something....
You would never ask me why
My heart is so disguised
I just can't live a lie anymore
I would rather hurt myself
Than to ever make you cry
There's nothing left to say
But good-bye
"I'd kiss you good-bye, but your boyfriend's watching." He almost wanted to smack himself when he heard himself say those words. 'No, not that you idiot! Why did you say that?' . The candidness of his words took her by surprise, he knew. And he enjoyed seeing the blush that slightly rose in her cheek and the way she tried to avert her eyes from him. He also noticed how she didn't say anything in response; there was no biting comment, no witty repartee, no evil glare emanating from her eyes. She seemed almost..... disappointed. Or maybe that was just his wishful thinking.
He was seeing things that weren't
there. Because for her to have been disappointed... it would mean that she
felt something for him other than disgust or annoyance or hatred. It would
mean that the kiss wasn't really just nothing. It would mean that he would
gladly sweep aside any sense of decency he had at that moment and kiss her
senseless. But mostly, it would mean that him leaving would be more difficult.
It would mean that he'd be crazy with regret for all the 'what ifs'.
You deserve the chance at
the kind of love
I'm not sure I'm worthy of
Losing you is painful to me
There was so much that he wanted
to say, that he needed to say. Words that would explain, would tell her what
was in his heart. But she didn't deserve that burden of knowing. He had no
right to dump his feelings on her and leave her to deal with it, even though
telling her would make him feel infinitely better. It was not fair to overwhelm
her with information that wouldn't do her any good. She was happy... with
Dean and even though he hated it, and it made his heart bleed, he
couldn't do anything about it. It would be easier for him to just suffer
in silence for the doomed fate of his unrequited love.
I don't wanna let you down
I don't wanna lead you on
I don't wanna hold you back
From where you might belong
He had long ago realized that words had become the most useless form of communication for him. Words were easy to speak, easy to manipulate... but they didn't necessarily have to mean anything. So as he stood there, taking a long last look at her, committing her eyes, her smile, that radiance that only she could have to his memory, he knew that there was nothing left to say.
She shifted her gaze and her
azure eyes collided with his and in those few precious seconds, he felt that
he had told her everything. He didn't have to say anything; she just knew.
There was nothing left to say... but good-bye.
You would never ask me why
My heart is so disguised
I just can't live a lie anymore
I would rather hurt myself
Than to ever make you cry
There's nothing left to say
But good-bye
"Take care of yourself.... Mary."
The smile that lit up
her face had told him more than anything else could have.
You would never ask me why
My heart is so disguised
I just can't live a lie anymore
I would rather hurt myself
Than to ever make you cry
He smiled wryly as the last
strains of the song filtered through the expensive sound system of the car.
He hated his father's taste in music... and the way it mirrored the way he
felt inside. "Stupid, stupid song," he muttered, running his hand through
his hair.
There's nothing left to
try
And though it's gonna hurt
us both
There's no other way
Than to say good-bye
He dug into the pocket of his jacket. When he found what he was looking for, he took out the two slips of paper. Rolling down the car window, he held them out, grasping onto them tightly. He closed his eyes, took a deep breath and slowly let go. He thought that he would feel a sense of relief, a sense of freedom.... but it never came. He rolled the window back up, and leaned his head back. He wanted to laugh at how hopeless he was; he could never really let go. He didn't want to.
A few miles behind, lying in the puddle of the water on the road, was a pair of PJ Harvey tickets.
Song credit : Goodbye by Air Supply