"Belum"
She was tired and distracted as she stopped at the red light. Her mind was overloaded and she wised that numbness would follow but instead she could feel the strain of every doubt and fear that coursed through her veins like static electricity. She loved him so much, had died when she thought he had lost him and when by some miracle he had been brought back to her she had sworn she would never take another moment for granted. But fate was fickle and cruel and now it seemed like she had gotten him back only to lose him to anger and resentment.
She understood his frustration. She wished that she could somehow make him see that she needed to be there to take care of him for herself as much as for him. She wanted him safe and well but she also needed the reassurance that he was really there. Alive and there for her to touch anytime she wanted. She needed to remind herself of that over and over otherwise it felt like a dream she was in danger of waking from. She needed to be near him and he wanted her to leave. She had always been willing to accept him and whatever he had to offer but she wished that just once . . .
She pushed the thought from her mind as a car pulled along side of her. She glanced at the other driver out of a natural response but he barely registered on her consciousness. She did notice that there seemed to be a spark of recognition in his eyes as he turned to look at her at the same time but then the light changed and he pulled forward. She hesitated at the light, her mind still on John and their last argument. She watched in helpless shock as another car ran the light and slammed into the side of the vehicle that had just pulled out. She couldn't hear anything at first except the deafening sound of twisting metal and shattering glass. The silence afterward was even more frightening silence.
Natalie dialed 911 as she climbed out of her car. She rushed over to the car and leaned in through the shattered window. She placed her fingers against his neck and breathed a sigh of relief when she felt the steady pulse.
"Sir? Sir, can you hear me?" She said while listening to the 911 operator. His eyes fluttered open and he turned toward the sound of her voice. His eyes focused on her face and he smiled. "Since when do you call me sir?'
She ignored his rambling as the operator gave her instructions. "You've been in an accident but help is on the way. Just stay calm."
"You really should get off these train tracks. It's not safe."
"You're not on any train tracks."
"Then how did I get hit by a train."
"You weren't hit by a train."
"Are you sure?" He looked around him curiously. "It really felt like a train." He didn't seem frightened or even overly concerned. He turned to look at Natalie again and he reached out to gently touch her cheek. "I have always loved you."
"So, he's going to be okay?" Natalie asked.
"A broken leg and a mild concussion, buy, yeah he's gong to be fine." Michael nodded. "He would like to see you."
"Me? Why?"
"Well he was just in a serious accident and you are the Good Samaritan who stayed with him until the ambulance came. I'm sure he would probably like to thank you."
A man who was grateful for her help? That would be a novel concept. "Yeah, but Michael . . ."
"What?"
"He's a little weird."
"He was probably just in shock. People say some crazy things after a traumatic event." Michael assured her.
She rolled her eyes but stepped reluctantly into the hospital room. She hesitated before stepping in remembering the last time she was in one of these rooms, seeing John covered in bandages, not knowing if . . .
"Hey, check it out, the wonders of modern technology. You can get hit by a train and not even have to miss an episode of Desperate Housewives."
Natalie was surprised that he was not only so alert but that he was in such good spirits. She could only imagine that they were giving him some really good medication. The thought actually crossed her mind that she should ask Michael what they were prescribing him.
"It's a re-run." She commented, glancing at the television screen.
"Really? Damn!" He switched off the set and shrugged. "I'll just wait for the boxed set."
"Dr. McBain said you wanted to see me."
"Yes. Please." He motioned for her to take the chair by his bed. She hesitated but finally sat down beside him.
"My name is Curran." He told her as if he expected the name to mean something to her.
"Unusual name." She nodded.
"It's Irish. It means hero."
"And are you?"
"Irish or a hero?
"Either."
"One never knows." He grinned and she almost smiled back. He was handsome in a boyish way, his dark blonde hair was tousled and he had beautiful yes the color of hazelnut but it was his smile that drew you in. He had a smile that was full of warmth and humor. He smiled as if he were letting you in on a secret.
"My name is Natalie."
"Natalie." He repeated softly but with a tone that suggested that her name was just what he had expected. She wondered again if he thought they knew each other, "Natalie, can I ask you a personal question?"
"You can but keep in mind that you all ready have one broken leg."
He smiled but then studied her seriously. "Do you believe in reincarnation?"
She didn't even respond at first thinking that surely he was joking and when she realized he was serious she couldn't help laughing anyway. "No, I don't. Was that all because I really should be . . ."
He looked only slightly disappointed. "It's okay. I didn't think you would. You've always been a skeptic. "He muttered more to himself than to her. He looked up at her and smiled. "I never believed in it either."
"But now you do?" She asked wondering why she was still here listening to this rambling.
"Yes, the moment I saw you at that red light. I knew."
"You knew what?"
"I knew." He said leaning toward her. "I knew you. I knew I had known you before even though I was also certain that we had never met."
She remembered what he had said to her after the crash. "You mean you think we . . ."
"We were meant to find each other again. I've been looking for a long time and didn't even know. I just thought . . ."
"You realize that this is crazy."
"You never believe. You know I think that's why we work. You know like Scully and Mulder. I don't know why I have to get hit by a train to . . ."
"You were not hit by a train." Natalie interrupted him. "Look, I don't know if it's the trauma of the accident or the drugs you're on but this is nuts. I mean just what do you think is going to happen. You think we're going to just get together now." She said and the slightly sheepish look he gave her told her that was exactly what he was thinking. "You're crazy." She told him but still made no move to leave.
"I prefer quirky or eccentric. You'll learn to love that about me."
"I will not learn to love anything about you. I do not and will never love you. I'm in love with someone else. Do you understand?"
"Belum." He said
"Excuse me."
"I read a lot. It's one of the things you'll learn to love about me." He told her
"Maybe I should call the doctor."
He leaned closer and held her eyes with his own. His voce was warm and tender, captivating. "In Indonesia they consider it rude and cynical to give straight no answers. They refer a word that conveys hope and possibility. Belum. It means "not quite yet" do you know where your life is going? Belum Do you know what tomorrow will bring? Belum. Do you love me? Belum."
"I get it." She said as she stared into his eyes. She should go. She should just walk right out the door. John would be. . . John! The thought of him snapped her back to reality. "I have to go."
"Does he make you happy, Natalie?" He asked as her hand touched the doorknob.
She thought about John and all they had been through since their first fateful meeting. She had no idea why she did it but she told this strange man the truth, "Belum."