Extended conversation from "Cello and Goodbye." Spoilers up through current season. Rating to be safe/because of spoilers.
As always, I don't own anything.
"Because I didn't help Warrick."
She hadn't even been expecting an answer to her question, let alone that for answer. She figured it would be turned into a rhetorical question even though it wasn't meant to be one in the first place, but that's what he did sometimes. When he knew he was wrong, he just sat back and listened to whatever whoever was saying and answered their questions with empty silence. But he hadn't done that this time, and his answer was even more surprising than the fact that he had responded at all. She immediately looked over at him and had to remind herself she was driving and look back out at the road so they wouldn't get into an accident in the hectic LAX traffic. Ray was on his way back to Vegas where hopefully he would cause less trouble than he already had, but she doubted that that was going to be the case. She wasn't thinking about Ray anymore though; all of her focus was trained on the guy sitting next to her who had literally made her heart skip a beat with his response to her question. She had that collapsed feeling under her skin; the one you get when you suddenly remember that you forgot to do something very, very important or when someone says something that catches you totally off guard.
He knew right away that he shouldn't have said what he said. He shouldn't have said anything. Nothing he could say would make her less angry with him. He didn't even mind that she was mad at him; it came with their relationship. They got angry at each other all the time, they had done so for years. It would pass. It always did. But now that he had said that, things might be different this time. He definitely shouldn't have said that. He should have just sat there silently and nodded his head and accepted her scolding that he knew he deserved. His answer didn't make much sense to him, never mind having to try to explain it to her. He knew she kept looking over at him, but he kept his eyes down. He looked out the window at the concrete racing past and wondered just how injured he would get if he opened the door and jumped out of the car. That was really the only way to escape the coming conversation that he started with his stupid answer. Well, stupid wasn't the right word, but it's the first word he could think of to describe what he had said. It wasn't smart to say that, that's for sure.
Just as he moved his eyes from looking out the window to the door handle, the door locks shuttered into the lock position after she pushed the button. He smiled at that. She knew what he was thinking. She knew he wouldn't seriously jump out of the car, but she knew he wanted to get away and was distracting himself by thinking about doing so. She saw him smile and for a second, she wasn't going to ask what he meant by what he had just said. She was going to let it go. He said it to make her let it go, right? But she wouldn't have kept saying anything if he had just sat there and been quiet. That would have told her he had learned his lesson and knew he had done something wrong. But instead he had said what he had said, something about someone who had nothing to do with her question. He wouldn't bring Warrick up just to make her stop wanting to talk. He wouldn't do that. So now not only did she want his answer elaborated on, but she wanted an answer to his answer.
What exactly were you thinking? she had wanted to know. Why didn't you just tell me you had found Ray like you were supposed to? I didn't specifically tell you to bring him right to me when you found him because I didn't think I had to. So instead, you go on a wild goose chase with him and wave a gun around at a carnival in a city where no one knows or cares who you are. What if that cop had shot you? You got arrested and could have gotten yourself killed, again. What's gotten into you lately? You keep taking shortcuts, ever since you got shot. We talked about this, and I knew it wasn't enough. Why are you doing stupid things and risking your life to help Ray?
That's when he replied with what he had said, which was still ringing in her ears. She hadn't heard his name said out loud in a while, and it had stung just as much as it had the night they all found out that he was gone. But what did he have to do with what they were talking about? Warrick didn't have anything to do with Haskell or Ray or LA. So why had he said that? He knew she wasn't going to ignore what he had said, even as the minutes since he had spoken dragged on and the silence thickened the air in the car. He waited patiently for her to gather her thoughts and steady her breathing before she inquired as to exactly what in the hell he meant.
"What?" was all she could muster after a prolonged silence. The anger in her voice from before had faded into a sad and confused tone that tugged at his heart because he was the reason she sounded like that. He had been expecting a little more than just that one word question, so he didn't say anything in response to that. He didn't have anything else to say. He didn't want to say anything else, but knew that there was no way he could use silence as an answer this late in the game. She made that evident when she added, "Don't sit there and try to act like you didn't say what you said. Why did you say that? What does he have to do with any of this?"
"He has everything to do with everything," he replied. Not exactly an articulate answer. "I think about him and what happened every single day, and I know you do too."
She shook her head. "He has nothing to do with what happened last night and you-"
"Yes he does," he interrupted her. "When Warrick was accused of murder, the first time, I didn't do anything to help him. I didn't know what to do, so I didn't do anything. He was a mess after that, and I still did nothing. And then everything with Gedda went down, and I still did nothing. I lent him money, that was it, and I'm pretty sure that was used for the PI that ended up getting killed. I could have done something, anything to help him. But I didn't. And he died, he was killed because he didn't have any help. I can't let that happen to Ray too."
She shook her head again even though he was still looking at the door lock. "How can you say that? Ray isn't Warrick. Helping him won't bring Warrick back, you can't change what happened. What happened wasn't your fault, you know that. He did have help. We all helped him and it wasn't enough and it sucks, but it's the truth. We all did everything we could for him. Getting yourself arrested at a carnival in LA for Ray Langston isn't going to avenge the death in Las Vegas of Warrick Brown. It doesn't work that way."
"I know that," he said so softly that she barely heard him.
"Then why are you acting like it will? You don't have to make up for what happened to Warrick because it wasn't your fault. You were about to fight Hodges, and Greg, in Warrick's defense. We all did everything we could, there isn't anything else that could have been done. We all know that," she said.
"Who are you trying to convince?" he asked. "Yourself or me?"
They were stopped at a red light, so she was able to stare at him for a very long time. He finally looked up and over at her, and she could see the despair in his eyes. He could see her green eyes flooded with tears that were brought on simply by the mention of Warrick's name. It had that affect on almost all of them every single time they talked about him. She wanted to let the tears go and just cry, but knew that once she started she wouldn't be able to stop. And she didn't want this conversation to end on that note.
"We can't change what happened," she said quietly. "So what's the use of talking about all the things we could have done differently when we did everything in our power?"
He nodded slightly. "But that doesn't mean we have to make the same mistakes this time around."
"We didn't make any mistakes," she argued. "Warrick made the mistakes and we tried to help him but couldn't. Ray is making similar mistakes and is putting himself and the rest of us in a very difficult situation."
"That doesn't mean we shouldn't help him."
"I want to help him," she replied. "I know what he's going through is hell and he needs us. But I don't want you running around a carnival putting yourself in danger to help him when there are smarter and better ways to help him that don't involve you getting arrested or shot at."
He rolled his eyes, but luckily she didn't see that because the light had switched and she was looking back out at the road. "This time, but Haskell had a gun. He shot a cop. He wouldn't have thought twice about shooting you too just to piss Ray off even more. Ray can't afford to lose you now, and I can never afford to lose you. I don't care if I sound like a nagging mother, but I care about what happens to you and can't stand to see you get hurt one more time. It's too much."
He opened his mouth to argue more, but stopped when he saw a tear trickle out of her right eye and slide slowly down her cheek. It dripped off her jaw bone and landed on her blouse, leaving a small, dark wet spot where it settled into the fabric. He stared at it, then looked back up at her saddened face. His throat got tight and made it difficult when he tried to swallow to make the feeling go away.
"I'm sorry," he said softly, but she could still pick up on the genuineness in his voice. Her eyes were glued to the road, but she could still see him looking at her out of the corner of her eye. She knew he meant that in more ways than one and was glad she wasn't looking him in the eye because she knew the emotion he exhibited there would be enough to spill the rest of her tears. "You know I don't mean to do this to you, to put you through these things. I just wanted to help Ray in any way I could. It just makes it that much better knowing I'm doing everything I can for him when thinking about..." he trailed off and stopped himself before he reopened a painful wound for a second time that car ride. "You're right, Warrick doesn't have anything to do with this. I'm just, well, I don't really know what I'm trying to do. I wish I did."
She didn't want to keep talking about this, but she also didn't want to stop talking to him altogether because it was so rare for him to talk about his feelings this way and she knew it was good for him. She smiled to herself upon remembering that night he had asked her to go out and have some beers with him and they could talk about their feelings. Of course, per usual, he had been being sarcastic and that was apparent in the grin he gave her when he had said that. She should have gone with him and gotten him drunk and made him spill his guts to her, but she hadn't. As frustrating as it was, she had wanted him to do so on his own terms and in him own time. She knew if she pushed too far he would simply clam up, but if she dropped it now she would be missing a chance to help her friend. And to help herself.
"We need to work as a team to catch Haskell," she said, switching the subject slightly. "He's in Ray's head too much, he can't focus on the evidence that's going to help him catch that son of a bitch. Haskell can't beat all of us, he's not smart enough to do that. But we have to work together. He wants us to get frustrated and fight against one another, especially Ray. We can't let that happen."
He nodded but didn't say anything at first. He agreed with her for the most part, but not entirely. "We're not going to catch Haskell," he said. "Ray's going to kill him."
Even with just a quick glance over at him, she could tell he was serious and believed what he had just said. "We don't know what's going to happen..." she said, but trailed off. "I hope it doesn't come to that."
"That's what it's been coming to since this whole thing started," he said solemnly. "Ray doesn't want to catch Haskell, he wants to kill him. And he's going to. I can tell, he doesn't want us to catch him. The only reason he didn't shoot him at the pier was because Haskell said Gloria is still alive. I hope she is...but when Ray finds her, then finds Haskell, he's going to kill him."
She thought about what he had said and knew he was right, but refused to immediately admit it because she felt she would be giving up if she did. They could catch Haskell, she knew that. They all did, but if they weren't given the chance then it wouldn't matter. This was all going to be over soon, but what exactly 'over' meant would remain to be seen. Neither one of them wanted Ray to kill Haskell. They certainly all understood why he wanted to, but that would only complicate matters more and possibly result in the loss of one of their team members. Again.
She sighed deeply before replying. "Well, we'll worry about that if and when we come to it. For now, we focus all of our energy and resources on catching Haskell before anyone else gets hurt. And keeping you out of trouble."
He smiled at that. "Easier said than done."
She laughed. "You're telling me. I feel like I should put a leash on you to keep you away from trouble."
"It's no fun on the sidelines," he said, "but I wish I could sit this one out. I wish we all could. I can't see this ending in a good way at all. I know it sucks to say that, but it's true. What good can come of any of this? It's been fucked from the beginning."
She shook her head at him. "We're not going to give up and just sit back and wait for Ray and Haskell to kill each other. It's messed up beyond belief, but we've handled worse things."
"When?" he asked cynically.
"You," she replied, earning her a confused frown from him. "When you were kidnapped and buried alive. I care about Ray and all, but that was worse. We were literally fighting time to save your life while we were watching you die right in front of our eyes. I have never felt so helpless before or since. We got through that, we can get through this no matter what else gets thrown in our way. We can't get in our own way, we can't shrug our shoulders and say to hell with it and see what happens. We're going to do everything we can because that's how we always handle everything."
He nodded slightly. "You're right," he agreed. "It's just hard to look at this any other way. It's been a hellish year, I just want it to all be over with."
She looked over at him and smiled, eliciting a smile in return without even having said anything yet. "Don't quit on me now Nicky."
His smiled widened. "Come on Cath," he replied, "I never quit. Learned that from you."
The remainder of their car ride was spent in reflective silence. They both knew that as soon as they got back to SID, it was all business and back to work to figure out how they were going to catch Haskell before get had his way with Gloria and eventually Ray as well. But until then, the two CSIs, teammates and friends rode in comfortable silence and each thought about everything they had been through together. A lot had been done and said on both parts, some bad but mostly good memories coming from said actions. It was long from over, but knowing where you come from always helps you to see where you're going.
Hope you enjoyed! I wanted to play around with a different style where I didn't use any proper nouns concerning the two main characters in this story, obviously being Nick and Catherine, until the very end. Just a one shot that came to me after last week's episode that I wanted to write before the finale. Thanks for reading!