A/N: This is a songfic to Bruno Mars' "Lazy Song".
Today I don't feel like doing anything…
My name is Stephanie Plum. I'm a Bounty Hunter, if you can even call me that. I'm not very good, just very lucky. As a Bounty Hunter, my job is to go out and catch the bad guys. Usually this includes rolling on the ground in garbage, tackling fat men in Vaseline, or the usual, running. After years of doing this for my cousin, who owns Vincent Plum Bail Bonds, I decided I need a lazy day.
I just wanna lay in my bed…
So, when my alarm went off this morning, I hit the snooze button, over and over and over again. When I finally rolled out of bed it was 10:30, and I was feeling rested, but still lazy. As I slouched to the living room to make me some coffee, the phone rang.
Don't feel like picking up the phone…
I knew who it was immediately because of the sharp pain I got in my forehead. It was my mom, and she was probably calling about more 'Burg gossip. Last night, I was trying to take in Punky Balog again. Unfortunately, I realized that when you're in funeral home parking lot with a bunch of smoking seniors milling about, you don't want to get the oil that your FTA, or Failure To Appear, is shaking at you on your car at the same time an old man decides he's done smoking. Needless to say, my nice used Nissan Sentra is no longer in my possession. It's most likely in the river by now.
So leave a message at the tone…
I really didn't feel like explaining anything right now, and as it was my lazy day, I figured the machine could get it.
"Stephanie? Stephaaaaanie! Answer your phone, I need to talk to you! I heard from Marjorie Baker that you caught another car on fire. You really need to stop doing that, dear. You aren't young forever, and that nice Joseph Morelli isn't going to wait much longer! What will all the men think? I—"
'Cause today I swear I'm not doing anything…
Gonna kick my feet up then stare at the fan…
I sighed. I knew that one was coming. I got my coffee from the coffeepot and moseyed into the living room. I plopped myself down on the couch and propped my feet up. The fan was moving in circles on my ceiling, and it felt nice to just watch its progress instead of developing a new bruise from an FTA.
Turn the T.V. on, throw my hands in my pants...
I snatched the remote from the floor where it had fallen last night after I had passed out from exhaustion. I turned the T.V. on to CNN to see if anyone had died, because it might be from a little thing called Ranger.
Nobody's gonna tell me I can't…
My cell phone buzzed with a text message. "Get in here! I don't pay you to sit on your ass all day!" From Vinnie, of course. Well, he can suck it, 'cause today is my lazy day.
I'll be lounging on my couch just chillin' in my snuggie…
I grabbed my pink snuggie that Lula bought me for Valentine's Day. As I cocooned myself into its warmth, I wondered why I hadn't thought to have a lazy day before. Watching I Love Lucy reruns on the television all day is actually a nice change.
Click to MTV so they can teach me how to dougie…
I turned the channel to MTV. Lula is very into these songs so I've recently become educated so when she wants to "Dougie" I can do it with her. It's been an interesting sight for all of the Bail Bonds neighbors.
'Cause in my castle I'm the freaking WO-man… Oh, oh…
It felt accomplished to be back in my apartment after living on and off with Joe. It was like I was the woman in charge, and if I wanted to mix peanut butter with olives, I can! I felt like I needed a sticker on my door saying "Caution, Woman in Charge!"
Yes I said it, I said it, I said it 'cause I can…
It was almost 11, and of course I was hungry, I shuffled my way to the kitchen to find me some food. Peanut butter and olives; excellent. I smiled because I finally get to eat what I want, when I want, where I want.
Today I don't feel like doing anything, I just wanna lay in my bed…
Don't feel like picking up the phone, so leave a message at the tone…
'Cause today I swear I'm not doing anything...
Nothing at all…
Nothing at all…
After I munched on the sandwich, I thought about what everyone else was doing. Connie was probably painting her nails, Lula was probably filing. Filing her nails, that is. Joe was in the cop shop, doing paperwork. Ranger… Who knew what he was doing. All I knew about me is that I wasn't doing anything, and I liked it that way.
Tomorrow I'll wake up…
Tomorrow I would wake up, and my Lazy Day would be over. The thought of it was making me depressed. I went back into the living room and opened my laptop. Time to browse the web.
Do some P90X…
Bleach. There were ads for weight loss everywhere. Maybe I should stop searching for "Quick Weight Loss Solutions". Tomorrow I would be back chasing bad guys anyway. That's exercise, right?
Meet a really nice guy…
Maybe I need to meet another guy; one that's not out there fighting crime. Just a regular guy, with a regular job. Hmm… Maybe I should go to a bar on my own instead of for a distraction, and then I could actually browse the hot guys there instead of trying to get the bad guy.
Have some really nice sex…
Then, I could take him home and have an innocent romp in the sheets, and forget about the whole thing the next day.
And he's gonna scream out "This is great! (Omigod, this is great!)"
I shook myself out of it before I got too involved in the fantasy. Although, it would be a nice change from the same old thing… I'll file it away for later.
I might mess around, get my college degree…
Now that I really think about it, maybe bounty hunter-ing isn't for me. Going back to school and getting a degree in something that can really help me would be nice. Maybe I could be an accountant. Wait, I can't do that. I would have to wear pantyhose. Okay, maybe I could be a work-at-home accountant. Probably I could do that. Probably, though, I would be an AVON person. I really wouldn't have to wear pantyhose for that.
I bet my old man would be so proud of me…
That would make my parents happy. A nice job where I wouldn't get shot at, my cars wouldn't get blown up, and I don't have to worry about any crazies locking me up in a casket. That actually sounds very appealing…
But sorry Pops you'll just have to wait…
Unfortunately, that's not what I want to do. Even though I get shot at a lot, and rolled in garbage almost every day, and the fact that I even manage to bring these people in is more luck than skill, it's what I do. I like having the freedom to eat a donut at 4:00 in the afternoon, or sleep in until 10:00 and not get fired (probably). It makes me feel like a better person every time I manage to bring someone in; even though they usually manage to blow up my car in the process.
Oh, oh…
Yep, Stephanie Plum, bounty hunter extraordinaire. It has a nice ring to it.
Yes I said it, I said it, I said it 'cause I can…
Today I don't feel like doing anything…
I just wanna lay in my bed…
Don't feel like picking up my phone…
So leave a message at the tone…
'Cause today I swear I'm not doing anything…
I sat back down on the couch and flipped through the channels. Back to I Love Lucy.
No I ain't gonna comb my hair…
I wanted to go out for lunch, but I didn't physically want to go out. I knew what was gonna happen. Pino's.
'Cause I ain't going anywhere…
I placed my order, over the phone, and sat back down with a smile on my face. I should do Lazy Day's more often.
I'll just strut in my birthday suit…
I figured I had time to take a quick shower before the pizza came, so I stripped down to nothing. Sometimes, a woman just has to let it all hang loose.
Let everything hang loose…
I jumped in the shower, and I was just pulling on my sweatpants as the doorbell rang. Perfect timing!
Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah-eah…
Pizza is just the thing for a day in bed. I turned the T.V. off and made my way to the bedroom. Pulling the covers back, I found that I had been sleeping on the same sheets for a while. That was good, because then when I dropped some sauce on them, I could change them without feeling guilty about ruining a clean sheet. I turned the radio on and pulled a book off the bookshelf. It was time for a good romance novel I could fall asleep to. I had a feeling it was going to be an early night to bed. After all, that is what you do on a lazy day.
Oh, today I don't feel like doing anything…
I'm just gonna lay in my bed…
Don't feel like picking up my phone…
So leave a message at the tone…
'Cause today I swear I'm not doing anything…
Nothing at all…
Nothing at all…
Nothing at all…