Yes, I know this is supposed to be a Death Note fanfic, but I wanted to put Pritkin in the spotlight. He's been around since the Epic Shopping Tale, and like then, this whole story was pretty much created for the window scene. Anyway, I love/hate what I did to L in this one...he's such a baby!! But read, review and enjoy!
Disclaimer: Owning Death Note and The Cassie Palmer series would involve work and money. Neither of these I'm willing to put in...
Some Minor Problems (or That's Not Supposed To Bend That Way)
The....tenth Some Party fic
John Pritkin. He was a tough, violent-minded war mage. If you really wanted to get into specifics, he was also the son of a sex demon from Hell (an altogether different Hell from the one Vincent Green was currently living in), and could also have gone by the name of Merlin.
Of course, since he was the famed wizard Merlin, he was sufficiently old. Almost Watari old, in fact. But he appeared to be in his thirties. Well, he appeared to be a slightly crazy man with hair trimmed by a small lawnmower, a large amount of weapons on his person, and a look on his face that said he would get very very nasty is you commented on his hair. In his thirties.
As Merlin, he wrote a rather heavy and large book called The Codex. It was basically a log of all the spells and potions and whatnot he had locked away in his brain, a large amount of these very controversial and quite certainly dangerous.
He was starting to regret writing that.
John Pritkin was married once, but on their Honeymoon night he accidently drained her soul down the...something. No one is really sure where her soul went. Probably Baroqueheat's Dream World...Anyway, a long time after this incident, he ended up as Cassandra Palmer's bodyguard, with whom he'd almost died several times while trying not to get her killed and save her vampire boyfriend. He really didn't like her much.
His friends were beginning to think that he really didn't like women much in general, if you know what I'm getting at...
His friends were the best though, all...four of them. Yes, a solid, definite four. No hesitancy or finger-counting involved. The friends names were Sera Nakamura, Eve Berglund(Both of these bounty hunters), Touta Matsuda(A fresh-faced investigator who'd been living common-law with Sera for years), and an enigma of a detective mostly known as L.
L was John's best friend, and not only because L was his favorite chracter from the Death Note series. They understood each other, even though L was more calm and thoughtful than his buddy. John found him to be very curious, but not in a nagging way like that Palmer Girl. He trusted him so much, he let him have The Codex.
He was starting to regret that too.
L treated the pack of papers as baby treats their favorite blanket, except L's bites hurt more, and generally babies didn't have a lot of skill in the art of Capoeira. But the point is, he was obsessed with the spellbook.
He liked it so much, and did so much research with it, he ended up using it to find a way to travel through time and space.
Pritkin kind of wanted it back, but L was his best friend, and for some reason he found him kind of intimidating. Especially when he started growling. That was just scary.
John Pritkin, a war mage/sex demon/wizard, puffed out his chest(The chest hair added a fewcentimeters to the outcome of this action). He was tough. He was violent-minded. He had wild blond hair.
It was time to organize a Codex intervention for his friend.
Scene Nine Berglund was now two years, one month, twelve days and 42 hours old. She could've been more specific, and sometimes was, but she noticed people usually got lost somewhere around the minutes.
She had a theory, an equation for humanity. It went like this:
One hair-slicked british junior wizard(Draco Malfoy) X One bounty hunting idiot(This would be Eve) + Eve's twin brother, the genuis detective L = A two year old prodigy.
There was a broad flash of light, then Scene, her mother, her 'Aunty' Sera and 'Uncle' Matsuda suddenly appeared in downtown London, England.
"Wow." Sera exhaled thoughtfully. "I knew the Great A'Tuin was big, but holy crap was it huge!"
They say it has eyes the size of a continent..." Scene said with a low amount of enthusiasm. Matsuda and Eve were still going through the album on Matsuda's camera, saying things like "Ooh, that's a cute one" or "Who the blurry, black-robed guy with the sycthe?"
The four has just come back from a little time/space vacation to a strange, magical place called The Discworld. It was a CD shaped planet that rested on the backs of four elephants, who were in turn standing on the shell of the world turtle, The Great A'Tuin.
Oh, right, sorry. Perhaps I should've mentioned before a reason for a certain Prince Caspians nonexistence. The reason that should've been mentioned is very straightforward, and rather boring. But here it is:
About a month ago, Eve got the doldrums for his lame spanish accent, and they got a divorce. Eve is in fact this fickle...
Speaking of Eve, she beckoned for Sera to come to her and Matsuda as they all journeyed in no defined direction(to a coffe shop) down the busy sidewalks of central London. They'd come across one of those amusing accidental close-up shots, this of Sera's nose.
Unfortunately, Sera was presently distracted by the car floating upside-down in midair and flying over the traffic.
Scene, usually very observant, was busy creating formulas for her personal genetic history.
"Sera, you have to see this!" Matsuda stated blindly, eyes fixed on his camera.
A stray dog walked in Sera's path. "I don't think that's supposed to bend that way. And you're probably not supposed to see the liver..." Her Numb Amazement was pushing Rational Though out the door.
"Honey?" Matsuda glanced up from the tiny screen of his digicam.
What he saw could only later be described as something out of a science-fiction novel. One so distracting and confusing that it can only be understood while on several hallucinogens.
Cars flew upside-down, dogs were inside-out, windows could be poked about like Jello. It was as if the Universe had gotten horribly drunk and miserably hungover at the same time.
The four of them stopped walking and gaped in queasy wonder. The people behind them didn't mind much; most had been suddenly transformed into a herd of deer and had scampered away.
Jaws were finally picked up off the ground and put back into place when Sera's cellphone rang. She took it out of her pocket and eyed it apprehensively, waiting for it to turn into a duck. Eventually she answered.
"Hello?"
"Sera?" Asked a tough male voice. "It's Pritkin. Where are you?"
The bounty hunter frowned. "We were just on the Discoworld, and I thought we were back on Earth, but now I'm not sure..."
"What do you mean?"
Sera inspected her fingernails. "London seems kind of...warped. Things that shouldn't be doing things are, you know?"
"I see, you must be causing rifts in the time/space continuim from all the travelling L is letting you do." Pritkin sounded deeply concerned.
There was silence on Sera's end for a minute.
"Oh. That makes sense..."
"Tell me what street you're on, and I'll pick you up. We need to talk to L." Pritkin announced. Sera followed his directions and then hung up.
"What's up?" Asked Matsuda, moving aside for the flock of geese in suits waddling by.
"That was Pritkin. There's rifts in the time/space continuim or whatever. Sounds like it's all L's fault." Sera filled in.
Eve nodded. "It always is..."
L, meanwhile, was squeaking(this is the only way I can describe his posture) in a black office chair in front of a series of computer and TV screens. He was holding a large, battered, brown book just above eye level, quickly going through the pages. He was getting a little tired of time travel, which reminded him that he'd always wanted to cure his insomnia.
The impossibly old Watari suddenly appeared on the overhead speaker. Well, his voice did.
"L, your sister and her friends have come to visit."
L played with a couple of chocolate bear biscuits. "Tell them I'm busy."
"Your friends are more important than the Codex, Lawliet." Watari's voice was firm and fatherly. And reminded you of an ancient crypt.
"But--"
"Don't make me come down there!"
Lawliet swiveled in his office chair with a furvor, mumbling something like 'you can't tell me what to do! Hmph!!' He pressed a large red button on the wall. It was beside a speaker.
"Can I help you?" He asked in his most grudging voice.
"Hey bro!" His older sister by six minutes replied. "Are you busy? We just got back from vacation and wanted to show you some pictures."
L sighed and was about to make up an excuse, but one of his computer screens suddenly lit up.
L, it said, IF YOU DON'T LET THEM IN YOU'LL BE GROUNDED FROM THE COMPUTER FOR TWO WEEKS!
The detective squirmed in discomfort. "I'm on the third floor." He finally drawled into the speaker.
About five minutes later, Eve, Sera, Matsuda, Scene and Pritkin came into the room. Pritkin and Scene were dead serious, but others looked nervous.
"Why don't we sit down..." Matsuda almost whispered. The five guests sat on a leather couch looking through a panoramic window overlooking a parking lot. Pritkin felt a surge of nostalgia.
L, with a confused look on his face, sat down on the couch facing them. The Codex was being held protectively under his arms.
There was a horribly awkward silence.
Sera shifted a little closer to her boyfriend. "Uh, L. You know we all love you, right? But...um..."
L pulled his book closer. "What is this about?"
The Codex intervention was getting off to a rough start.
"Get on with it already!!" Said a very god-like voice from above.
It took a few seconds for everyone to realize that it was just Watari on the intercom.
John Pritkin(He was tough, he was violent-minded, and so on) grunted. "Yes right. Here it is: You've been using the Codex too much."
L's eyes widened in shock. "..."
Matsuda managed to continue. "You see, all the time and space travel we've been doing has kind of...mucked up the Universe a bit. We've been taking our power for granted.
"Uncle L." Scene stated in a very diplomatic voice. "If you don't give Uncle Pritty his book back, the universe will implode on itself and we'll all DIE!!"
Just to remind you, this was coming from a two year old girl with pigtails and a frilly pink dress. Eve had made her do it.
'Uncle L's' mouth opened and closed a few times. He wasn't used to followed orders.
Eve stood up, an outraged expression on her face. "We can't fix everything until you give Uncle Pritkin his book. As your older sister by six minutes, I say give it back or I'll put your head in the garbage again!"
Her little brother shivered at the memory. "We could just go back in time and-"
"NO!" The loudness of the five's chorus caused a few rat/bird hybrids to jump off the roof of the building. Unfortunately, these five-second-ago creations only had one wing.
Lawliet blushed(which is a really weird thing to see) and held out the ancient manuscripts. "I'm sorry." He murmured...
...before throwing the Codex in the direction of the giant window behind him.
Pritkin jumped in shock. "No! If I lose that, I'll lose the Third Eye spell and I won't be able to watch Sera in the shower!!"
Sera and the others on the couch stopped, and glanced at each other. Sera and Matsuda looked like a couple of tomatos, but for very different reasons. Then they realized what John was doing.
"WAIT! Those windows are-"
There was a dull boom, and a certain half-incubus crumpled onto the floor.
"-unbreakable..." His best friend finished weakly.
Touta Matsuda leaned toward his girlfriend. "Do you mind if I, uh, punch them both in the face?"
Sera shook her head dumbly.
L had a black eye for the next week or so, but for obvious reasons it was hard to notice.
Every bone in John Pritkin's body was in general pain for a month. He did manage to put the Universe back in order though.
There was a high sort of 'zzzip' sound as the Universe sorted itself out. Then came a sharp pop as it spit out a few final randomized particles. A young man in a purple sweatervest blinked into existence in the middle of a large field.
Something about him was very familiar, except now his hair had been cleaned and his clothes weren't tattered. He looked around him in surprise. Just a second ago he'd been at his apartment in one of the many divisions of the underworld, but where was he now?
Revelation suddenly dawned on his mind as he realized where'd he'd been sent. He screamed in rage.
"AAGH! But I was just getting used to it!"
Thanks for reading! Reviews and suchlike are hugely appreciated!! ^o^