A/N: Written on request for Shalinilahiri. Intentionally this short, complete, and therefore will not be updated or continued in any way. Please don't ask.

Prompt: Ichigo x Renji, Byakuya, Ishida

Enjoy the crack!

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Boys Will Be

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"...You did not just do that."

"So just did. What're you going to do about it, blondie?"

"I'm tempted to introduce my fist to your face. It would be doing your ugly mug a favour, Red."

"Oh, you so know you wouldn't win that one. Don't even go there."

"Going there!"

"Ow, goddamnit, get the fuck off of me! You bony little shit!"

"That's not what your mo--"

"For god's sake, Kurosaki, are you really going to start making your mother jokes at Abarai-kun?" Ishida interrupted, glaring at them with remarkable ferocity considering he was busy creating a needlepoint masterpiece while wearing an apron.

"--said last night," Ichigo finished stubbornly, coming alarmingly close to sticking his tongue out at Renji, who shot him a speculative look that said do that and I might just bite it off, which quickly dissuaded him.

Byakuya was sitting in a corner, clearly traumatized and trying not to listen, but Ichigo and Renji were fairly difficult to block out, and so he probably knew more now about how awesome Halo 3 was than any other death god on the block. Video games were very much not his forte. He'd tried once about an hour ago, and had been promptly so soundly trounced by his lieutenant he'd nearly diced the game console into unrecognizable plastic shreds. Only interference from all three others had saved its life, and it had still been a near miss.

Now he was just meditating, and undoubtedly dreaming up painful ways to kill the Overcaptain for assigning him to protect-- babysit-- Ichigo and Ishida until they were strong enough to return to Soul Society and fight. They had been going insane waiting in the real world, unable to do anything but sit and stare about moodily, until Ichigo had suggested the video game idea.

It was clearly the worst idea he had ever had, and that was saying something considering some of the spectacularly idiotic things he'd done over the past couple of years.

"Yeah, well, your mother's so--"

"Dead, and going to kick your ass next time she sees your stupid face in Soul Society again," Ichigo cut him off, the humour in his eyes dying slightly.

Renji snorted. "Hey, man, you started it. Don't get all huffy if I meet you halfway."

Ichigo leaned across the couch to stick his face into Renji's, glaring fit to stare a hole right through the redhead. "Fine then. Leaving Mom out of it, that's not what you said last night."

Byakuya actually looked up from his corner in moderate interest, Ishida made a strangled noise, and Renji apparently forgot how to breathe. He gaped silently at Ichigo like a fish out of water, turning steadily redder.

"I thought you said-- what happened to-- what the fuck, Kurosaki."

Ichigo hurtled back across the couch and huddled desperately into the cushions at the far end. "Everybody pretend you didn't hear that," he yelled, beet-red from neck to hairline.

"As if I wanted to hear that in the first place," Ishida muttered, nursing the finger he'd inadvertently jabbed in shock.

Byakuya sat in particularly strained silence and demonstrated impressive restraint by not dismissing Renji as his lieutenant on the spot.

"We were bored," Ichigo muttered. "And there were these--"

"Kurosaki. Say one more word and I will stuff 'those' down your windpipe with my foot."

Ichigo shut up and picked up his controller. "Can we get back to me kicking your ass at Halo?" he begged weakly.

"Any time, dumbass. You're the one who dropped your controller and freaking jumped me."

Ishida and Byakuya took a simultaneous deep inhale and held it long enough to make the world fade a bit. Not nearly enough, but every little bit helped.

"Did you just--"

"Yep. Sure did."

"You know what, Renji? I hate you."

"You know what, Kurosaki? You suck."

"You swallow."

Renji spluttered. "Fucking hell, Kurosaki! Are you trying to get me fired?"

"Maybe."

"You are so going down."

"Ladies first."

Ishida met Byakuya's eyes across the room and they shared a moment of commiseration. The world clearly hated the both of them.

"Die, whore!"

"What did you call me?"

"You heard me. Whore."

Ichigo sucked in a deep, wrathful breath. "Slut!"

"Bitch!"

Absolutely, undebatably, hands-down the worst idea ever... but Ishida had to admit, he hadn't been so entertained for a long time.

An hour later, Byakuya had lost it enough to start laughing, and everything went downhill from there.

"Necrophiliac!"

"...Well, true enough, but--"

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