You
A/N: Hey everyone! I know two updates in one day? Am I seeing things? Haha! I know that's what you are probably thinking, but yes I am putting out a new one-shot! Ok so this one-shot is long, about 11 pages on Word! My record! Woo! I know that's not many, but you know!! Haha! This does contain spoilers. I read the sides for 2x15 (hoping they are not true of course) and just started writing! This is probably not the way it will pan out, but I just thought I would give it a shot and try it! I hope you all enjoy!! Please review!! It always means a lot!
Summary: Not many people knew their love and that was fine with them. Not many people could see how much they truly cared. Not many people knew that they were the ones meant to be. Chuck and Blair! Contains Spoilers!
Disclaimer: I do not own Gossip Girl! It belongs to The CW Network!
----------------------------------------
There's always something in the way.
There's always something getting through.
But it's not me, it's you.
Sometime's ignorance rings true.
But hope is not in what I know.
Not in me, It's in you.
It's all I know.
And I find peace when I'm confused.
I find hope when I'm let down.
Not in me, but in you.
I hope to lose myself for good.
I hope to find it in the end.
Not in me.
It's you.
It's all I know.
----------------------------------------
She was sitting on the bathroom floor waiting to try it again. She hadn't done it this much since two years ago. Two years ago she had done it after every meal. This time she did it whenever she wanted to, that made it be more times than before. She wasn't doing this to show anyone up, she was simply doing it because she was hurting. She was broken.
She started this again the day she saw him passed out. It had hurt her watching him fall so far. She tried to be strong for him, but in the end she was now hurting herself again. No one knew no one probably even cared. She had seen him with the two girls and she had walked away. She didn't even have time to say anything because she was too shocked to even step into the office.
She didn't blame him. She wanted to, but she knew she didn't have the authority to. He had been through a lot. She knew he was grieving in his way, but this hurt. She trusted him and he had thrown it away two days ago. When she had walked in she knew it was the end. They weren't even given a chance. Not one.
Here she was. Blair Waldorf on the bathroom floor wanting to be taken away from it all. She wouldn't have started this again if it hadn't been for his death. They had been going to start their relationship until his father had to be taken away from them. That's when two people died. Bart Bass, a man she didn't even know and Chuck Bass, the man that meant everything to her.
He wasn't the same anymore. All he would do was push her away or drink. The drinking she had tried to intervene on, but he ended up cussing her out. She tried to have him open up, but it was met with him pushing her out the door. He had pushed her then told her to never come back. Then she pounded on the door and sat by the door, he never came out.
She turned back to the opening up of the latrine, she put her finger down her throat and it all came out. That's when she saw the blood. It had come up a couple times before, the first time alarming her, but now she was use to it. She knew she shouldn't put herself through this just for a boy, but it wasn't just some boy, he was the boy she had fallen completely for.
He had come into her life when she was younger and had been there through it all, even when she had been with his best friend. He had been there when her father had walked out of her life and when she started the battle with herself. He had told her she shouldn't waste her life away so she stopped. He should have been there now to tell her to stop, but he was nowhere near.
He really didn't know how much he meant to her. He might of thought he did, but he didn't. They decided to not be together until they were both ready and she had agreed. She should have told him that night she wanted him, all of him, but she turned away from her feelings and hid. She should have been honest, but she pushed her gut feeling away and let him walk away.
They had been on good terms. They would get together and act like a couple without officially being a couple. They had been talking in her room when the phone rang. In her mind she knew that would have been the night they would have said the words that her heart had been waiting for. The phone interrupted it all, and in the end it changed both of their lives. He hadn't been the same since that night.
She could feel her body start to go away when she felt her heart beating faster. She knew what was happening, heart failure. It was a common side effect of being bulimic and she knew it. To her surprise though she didn't want to fight it. She wanted to be taken away from it all even if it meant being taken away from him. It might have been selfish to want him to be himself even after his father had just died, but she knew he was just acting out. All the drinking was just a way to hide from the pain. Everyday she saw him she wanted him to tell her what was happening, but he chose not to and it hurt. It all hurt and she was done trying.
Darkness.
------------------------------
He hadn't been out of his room in days. The last thing he remembered was seeing her. In his mind he knew he was hurting her. He knew he shouldn't be cruel to someone he loved more than the world itself, but he didn't want to think. He wanted to disappear. He wanted to tell his father everything that he didn't get to tell him. Now all he was left with was heartache not just for his father, but also for her.
He had been in this pain ever since his father passed away. Before, his father did though; he had been in the room getting ready to tell her how he felt. He had wanted that night to be special for them, but it ended up being the night they crashed.
It wasn't that she didn't mean anything to him, because in reality he would give it all up for her. He knew that now. It used to be questionable. Could he really love someone? Could someone really love him? All these questions he used to have, could all be answered, by looking into her eyes. Her eyes that made his heart melt; her eyes that made him want to be better. He tried to be better for her, but in the end he knew he had somehow failed her.
Before his dad had died, the day before to be exact, his father had said to him he liked who his son was becoming. In truth, the reason why he was better was simply because of her. He told his father that and that's when he said he knew it all along. In a way his father was telling him to always be that guy and never give up on the relationship. He had taken his advice and gone to see her.
He sat there twirling the glass around with the scotch in it. The weeks before his father's passing he hadn't been drinking, this simply because he had been having Blair by his side. He knew that when he had pushed her away two days ago that it had been a bad decision on his part.
He needed to see her not because he hadn't in two days, but because she was his drug. She had been since the limo. The limo were it all changed, the limo were they became one. He cared for her, more then she would ever know, more then she could ever comprehend. He needed her and he knew deep down she had always needed him. She had never been Nathaniel's and she and him both knew it.
He got up from his bed for the first time and went to shower. He needed to snap out of this, he needed to be the Chuck Bass everyone knew. He had to be himself, his old self. He went into the shower and let the steaming water run down him. It felt good, he hadn't showered in a while and it felt good. In the shower his mind use to wonder about meaningless things and now all of his thoughts went to one thing, Blair.
He got out of the shower and went to his closet. All of the clothes reminded him of his father. All of the suits, bow ties, and polished shoes. He had to get his mind away from this though and go to her. He decided on casual jeans and a black long sleeve top, so unlike him. He couldn't handle anything to do with his father right now; he needed to be the opposite.
He went to the doorman, who was surprised to see Chuck actually out and dressed. Chuck then told him where to go and they were off. He was nervous. He knew Blair didn't do well with forgiving. She was the one that always had to forgive. She was the one that was always hurt by some one she loved. He usually didn't use the term love to describe him and Blair, but in his heart he knew they always had been and were meant to be. Through all the obstacles he knew they would make it. In some twisted way maybe that's why he had acted out, because in the end he knew she would be waiting for him.
The limo pulled up to the familiar destination. He was nervous to talk to her. He needed her to forgive him. He knew he would have to explain why there had been girls in the office. She probably didn't know this, but he had seen her leaving the office. He saw the read coat leave; he knew when she was present even if she didn't know. The truth was he hadn't done anything with the girls. He hadn't even been interested in them. All he had wanted was to get away and not let Blair see him. In those times, he didn't want her to see the hurt and vulnerable man. He wanted her to see the person she made him and he knew during this time in his life he wasn't that person.
He went up the elevator and when it opened he was met with silence. Usually Darota would be the greeter, but there was no sign of her. He looked around the place and there looked like there hadn't been any activity in a while. He then decided to invite himself in.
He walked up the staircase, the same staircase he had walked up many times when he knew there would be a good make out session. He walked up to her room and was welcomed by a closed door. He then decided to knock. No answer. He then opened the door quietly and was met with no Blair. He looked around and saw her bed was unmade and that clothes were everywhere.
"Blair," he questioned to see if she was anywhere. No response.
He noticed the bathroom door opened slightly and that's when he felt a lump form in his throat. Two years ago, Blair had major self-esteem issues, in his opinion, and he had helped her through it. She said her relationship, Serena, and her parents were the main source of her problem and she needed him to help her. He didn't want to open the door and find her sitting there crying because this time he knew there was a slight chance he could be the cause for her relapse. He closed his eyes wishing to God that this couldn't be real. He knew he had hurt he just didn't know till now how much.
He opened the bathroom door to find something he would have implanted in his mind forever. He found her unconscious and blood in places. He quickly walked over to her and picked her up into his arms. He sat on the ground with her limp body laying on his knees. He raised his head up to look in the latrine and that's when he saw the remains of her stomach. He did the only thing he knew to do and started to slap her face gently to get her back to consciousness.
He didn't notice, but he now had tears running down his face. He knew this was his fault. He had pushed her away. He had told her to get out of his sight. He had told her she meant nothing. He was the cause of this. He quickly lifted her up, yelling her name in the process, to see if she would respond. Nothing. He sat on the bed with her still in his arms, he couldn't let her go, she had to stay with him. He went to the phone calling the one number he could remember right now, Serena's.
"Blair, come on baby, stay with me," he yelled.
He was now shaking her and she didn't respond. Not once.
----------------------------------------
The next few hours went by like a blur. Serena had come to find him shaking Blair and him crying. He hadn't cried many times in life and he had never once sobbed, until today. Serena had called 911 for him because he couldn't even speak. The paramedics told him he couldn't ride in the car, but he pushed his way to the car with Blair still in his arms. It had taken some time for the paramedics to get Blair out of his arms, but he let her go when he knew they had to save her.
He was sitting in the waiting room of New York Central Hospital with everyone he knew surrounding him. Serena gave him looks of sympathy every once in a while, but he knew she too was dealing with this. He saw Dan sitting with Serena trying to comfort her, but she was in hysterics as well. He saw Nate and Vanessa walk in together and normally he would greet them, but he was too lost.
The doctor had said she needed evaluation and that there would be no allowed visitors for a while. He couldn't sit any longer. He had to get some fresh air. He walked outside and that's when he saw how he must of looked. He had some of Blair's blood stained on his jeans. He needed to hit something. He found a couple things to kick, but nothing to hit.
"Chuck."
He knew the voice well. Serena. He couldn't look at her though. She had seen him shaking Blair and when he finally had noticed her in the room, she was just standing there, doing nothing. He had lashed out at her saying she needed to call 911. She finally did after asking what was going on and him responding.
"I'm sorry about earlier. I shouldn't have yelled at you."
"Chuck, I'm sorry, I know Blair means a lot to you," she said trying to sound like she knew.
He could tell it her voice. She didn't know though. She knew nothing about him and Blair. She only knew what she saw and what people would say. The only people that really knew them were themselves. No one knew their love because they guarded it making sure it would last forever.
"Yea, well I'm sorry too," he said annoyed.
"Chuck, please don't be like this. Blair needs you. Your friends need you." She said pulling him around to look at her.
He turned around and looked at Serena. He knew she saw, just like he could feel it. His eyes with more tears forming and his attire drenched in Blair. He didn't want to be here. He wanted everything to go back to normal. He wanted his father alive. Most of all he wanted her. He wanted her here with him and the thought of her not being here was what made him hurt worse. He looked up wanting to scream, but decided on saying what he felt.
"Your right Serena, Blair needs me. Your right, my friends need me. The thing is though this is my fault. It's my fault Blair did this to herself. It's my fault. I was the one that pushed her away when all she wanted was someone to love her back. It's me. It's always me. Do people not get that? I'm the reason for her pain this time and it hurts like hell." He said with each word rising.
"Chuck this is not your fault. Blair does this to herself when she is hurt. It's her way to cope. We all try to help, but we all usually fail. You need to fight Chuck. She needs you. You can't give up on her and walk away." Serena said with her own voice rising. She knew she hit a nerve when he gave her the meanest look she had ever seen given by Chuck.
In his mind he knew she was right. He knew that Blair needed him and he had pushed her away. He knew that all of his days when he was depressed by his father that she was also dying a little inside too. He knew he had been wrong by doing all the things he had done. He knew, but he didn't listen to what he knew was right.
He walked away from Serena and entered the waiting room again. He could tell by their faces they cared for him. He could also see that they probably heard their conversation. He didn't care though. He knew he had been a little harsh, but this wasn't about him. It was about Blair.
------------------------------------------
The doctor still hadn't come to speak to them. He had sent everyone else away to go home and get their sleep. He knew they needed it and he knew he didn't. Serena had come to bring him a change of clothes, but he refused to change. He didn't want the clothes. He didn't want anything right now besides Blair.
Serena had decided to stay and he was secretly grateful that she decided this because he seriously didn't know how much he could take of this. He rested his head against the wall secretly wishing he could bang his head.
"Chuck, about earlier," Serena said.
"Look, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have lashed out at you," he said looking at her.
"It's fine. I know you have been dealing with a lot and all I was going to say is, its was always you."
He was about to respond when he heard a doctor call out for the Waldorf family. They had tried to get in touch with Eleanor, but she hadn't answered. Chuck stood up without hesitation and went to the doctor as fast as he could.
"How is she is?" He started to interrogate her.
"Chuck Bass? I was told to only tell you her condition, as a request from her mother." The doctor said seriously.
He gave Serena a look and she just gave him a look to get the information. He was surprised that Eleanor had actually gotten the message. She cared and that's all that mattered right now.
He nodded wanting her to continue.
"Miss Waldorf's condition is in a critical state. She will need to stay here a couple of more days. Then I am sorry to say, but she will need to go to facility. She can have visitors now, one at the most."
Chuck looked at Serena. All he could feel right now was relief. A huge weight had been lifted off his shoulders. He felt for the first time in weeks like he could finally smile. He didn't think he had smiled any in the last few weeks, but this news of Blair being okay, was enough to make him smile.
"Why don't you go in first and then I will stay the rest of the night. I know you need sleep," he stated.
"I was hoping you would say that. Thank you Chuck."
----------------------------------------
Serena had long gone and he still had yet to go into her room. It wasn't that he didn't want to see her because that's what he wanted to do more than anything. He couldn't make himself go though. He didn't want to see her in a hurt stage. He knew when he walked in he would see pain in her expression and he didn't want that.
So he sat and waited until he knew he was ready to go in. She was in room 208, right down the hall from where he was sitting. He didn't want to go for fear of the worst. He knew the doctor said she was okay, but hearing it and seeing it were two completely different things.
He stood up feeling all of his weight sink all most as if he were going to fall. He needed to do this. He needed to see her, so he walked. He took one step at a time making sure his body was in check.
He entered the room and there she was. Blair Waldorf, the love of his life on the bed in a condition he wished he would never have to witness again. She had what seemed liked million of tubes going in and out of her. He wanted to run away from all this. He wanted Blair and him to run, but then reality came crashing down and he knew he had to be there for her.
He saw the chair, were he presumed Serena had sat hours before. He walked over and took a seat almost falling into the chair from the tears he knew that were about to fall. He took her hand and squeezed it. He held onto to her for dear life. If she went down he went down.
When his father had been in his life ending accident, he didn't get to see his father before hand. He only saw the remains of his father after the morgue had called him. He thought that had been the toughest thing he had ever gone through. He was now mistaken.
Seeing Blair like this was making his heartache. He seriously didn't know how much he could take of this. The doctor had said talk to her to get her use to her surroundings again. The problem with that was he didn't know what to say to her. He said the only thing he wanted to say.
"What were you thinking?"
He really wanted to know what she had been thinking. She had almost died because of something that could easily of been controlled. He knew somehow that this was his fault. He had been selfish and had taken it out on her simply because he didn't have any other person to take it out on. This made him even more mad at himself then he already was.
----------------------------------------
She woke up with a throbbing throat. She looked around not knowing where she was. She then saw the surroundings. The hospital. She didn't know how she ended up here, but she had a guess. She looked around and then down by her side and that's when she saw him. He was laying his head on her hospital bed while his body looked to be in an uncomfortable position in the chair. She smiled to herself. He cared.
Her mind then went back to why she was probably here. When she had passed out she thought her battle was over, but she was glad it wasn't. She was glad she had woken up to him. In her mind she knew it had been selfish to do that to herself. She also knew though that all she wanted was for him to look at her again. She knew it was wrong of her to go about and do this because she wanted him again, but it was all she knew to do.
She didn't know whether to wake him or not. She feared that if she did all this would be a dream and life's cruel reality would crash down upon her again. She knew if she woke him he would see her. She knew if she woke him he would also ask her questions. She didn't want to tell him any of this, but in some ways she knew he would be the only person to truly understand.
So she did. She took all of her strength out of her small hand and nudged him. She saw him flutter his eyes while looking around. She then saw something that she hadn't seen him do. He showed her a soft small. She smiled back. She needed him now more than ever. She was almost hoping he would take her away from this so it would just be them, but she knew this wasn't possible because there would soon be doctors asking her many questions.
He took her in. Even though she was in a hospital gown she still looked beautiful to him. He smiled at her and she smiled right back. He never usually cried in front of people, but he had to let out a soft muffle cry.
He got up out of his chair and took his arms around her body and that's when he heard her cry. He held her for a few more minutes before looking at her. He took his hands and held her face telling her everything would be okay and that he was here. All he could see from behind his tears was her head nodding.
She looked at him and she knew she had scared him and she regretted it. She regretted it all. She tried to tell him that it was her fault, but nothing came out besides a small cry. She fell limp in his arms and she couldn't gain the strength back to say anything.
He held her what seemed like forever never letting go once. He told her it was okay and that he would never let anything happen to her again. The doctor came in and told her she needed to stay one more day for observations. She told Chuck not to leave her and he never did. Not once. He couldn't leave her even if she had asked. He needed her. He might not have seen it through all the dark times, but he always knew it. She was the one that in the end that meant the most to him.
Not many people knew their love and that was fine with them. Not many people could see how much they truly cared. Not many people knew that they were always the ones meant to be.
They saw it and that's all that really mattered.