Gaius Visits Anor Londo
Author's note: This is set in the universe of Make Her Fall For You in a College Semester, which explains why Chrom is playing a game on the Wii.
Gaius walked down the stairs of the home of The Shepherds and into the dimly lit living room. He had been using the bright screen of his phone to guide him down the pitch-black stairs until a bright light caught his eyes. At his right was the living room, complete with couches and a TV, while on his left was the front door.
The television in the living room hung on the wall behind him was displaying a blue hedgehog running moderately quickly through white houses and windmills. Gaius walked towards the television, and the closer he got, the more pronounced the music was. It sounded like a violin ensemble playing in Venice while on speed.
"That's some good music," Gaius whispered to himself, and two piles of blankets on the couch to his right began to move. Stahl emerged from one of the mounds of cloth.
"Oh, hey Gaius." Stahl had noticeable bags underneath his brown eyes. "Didn't see you there." His voice sounded as though he had been awake since six in the morning.
The second blanket began to move while the game paused. Chrom's head poked out of the other bundle of fabric.
"Gaius?! For God's sake man, you almost gave me a heart-attack!" Chrom's voice was relatively loud, given that everyone else was asleep. Stahl held a finger up to his mouth and made a shushing noise.
"What are you guys playing?" Gaius asked as he sat down on the couch next to Stahl.
"Sonic Unleashed." Chrom pressed the start button on his Gamecube controller and resumed playing the game.
"Isn't that the game where they made Sonic into a werewolf?" Gaius faintly remembered reading backlash against the game when it came out; the most notorious of which was that Sonic was now a slow fighting game.
"Yeah, but the other half of the game is nothing but pure speed." Stahl's eyes were pulled into a trance while he watched Chrom play. The camera had been pulled to the side of the titular hedgehog and showed him running at breakneck speeds down a spiraling rim of a windmill. Every time he boosted, Sonic would let out a groaning noise that Gaius thought was downright hilarious.
Gaius watched as the blue anthropomorphic animal ran down the ledge and leaped off a ramp. Icons for the buttons on the controller flashed on the screen, which Chrom responded by hurriedly pressing them in the correct sequence.
The word 'Good!' flashed on the screen as Sonic defied all laws of physics and rose higher into the blue sky just by performing a mid-air trick.
"Never in my life did I think I would catch you two playing a Sonic game at midnight." Gaius stood up from the couch and walked towards the kitchen, which was to the right of the entrance to the house.
"Hey, you should've seen us back in middle school when we fully completed Sonic Adventure 2." Stahl looked to his left at Gaius and had a smug look on his face. "Chrom, remember when it took you a week to beat the Biolizard?"
"Oh, God; screw that boss." Chrom paused the game and gazed at Gaius. He had a very serious look on his face; the look of someone who was reliving unpleasant memories.
"At least its music was pretty great," Stahl spoke, and when Gaius exited the kitchen with a popsicle in his hand, Stahl had wrapped himself up in his fortress of cloth.
Gaius glanced back at the game, and now Sonic was being chased by some sort of one-eyed cyan robot with two arms.
"Well, you two nerds have fun with your hedgehog games." Gaius bit the entire caramel popsicle off of its stick, then threw the stick into the nearby trash can. He walked up the stairs, got to the second floor hallway, and entered his room which was past Robin and Cordelia's room.
The inside of Gaius' room was illuminated by moonlight shining through the windows, and Robin's laptop that Gaius had 'liberated' in order to play Dark Souls. Gaius could also see the faint outline of Sumia lying on their bed. Gaius walked to the side of the bed and began to discard his clothing. After he removed his shirt, he climbed onto the mattress and wrapped his arms around his slumbering girlfriend.
Inside the massive halls of Anor Londo was a very massive filled with white pillars. The room had been filled with giant knights before Gaius killed them, and a marble staircase led up to a wall of fog. Gaius stood before the wall of mist and debated whether or not he should go in.
After ten minutes of talking to himself, Gaius decided to pull his big boy pants up and enter the wall.
"I'm sure there won't be anything bad behind this," Gaius stated as he stepped through the wall of thick fog. His vision became clouded until he could see a large room.
Inside the room were stone pillars, and sunlight shone in through the nearby windows. At the end of the room was a large man in golden armor who resembled a blob of fat. He wore nothing over his face, and Gaius could immediately recognize who this man was.
"Kellam?!" Gaius raised an eyebrow as Kellam's stare seemed to penetrate his soul. "How's it hangin', man?"
"Oh, hey Gaius!" As Kellam spoke, Gaius noticed that he was brandishing a rather large golden hammer. "Sorry, but my partner and I are gonna have to kill you."
"What partner?" Immediately after Gaius spoke, a figure emerged on the balcony above Kellam.
"Sorry! Sorry! I had to polish my spear!" Stahl leaned over the edge while he gripped a long spear in his right hand. He was decked out in golden armor as well, except his was much slimmer than Kellam's. "I'm here now!" Stahl said as he leaped over the edge of the balcony.
As Stahl landed on the floor, Kellam raised his massive hammer and began to hold it with both of his hands. "Yeah, you're gonna have to beat us if you want through."
"I have to fight both of you at the same time?!" Gaius' tone indicated that he was not happy about this. "How is that fair?"
"Sorry man, but rules are rules." Right after Stahl finished talking, two bars of red appeared before them.
"Dragon Slayer Ornstahl and Executioner Kellough? Those names sound really stupi-" Gaius read the names above the bars, then watched as Stahl leaped through the air and smashed edge of his spear directly into Gaius. "Ow!" He exclaimed as he fell to his back onto the granite floor. "Okay, that was a cheap-shot. Just let me get up and use my Estus…" Gaius got to his feet, and his eyes filled with dread as Kellam dragged his hammer along the ground, ran towards Gaius, and swung it directly upward.
Gaius screamed as he was catapulted through the air before smashing into the ceiling of the room.
You died.
Again, Gaius stood in the massive room before the doorway of fog. He adjusted the leather cuffs of his armor (which he had killed many Undead Assassins to get) then decided it was time to pony up. Besides, those two had the element of surprise on their side. Now he knew exactly what he was up against.
"Oh, hi Gaius!" Kellam spoke as he watched Gaius emerge from the fog door. Kellam and Stahl never knew what was beyond the fog wall; the only thing they were told to do was guard this room.
"Go 'Oh, hi' yourself, asshole." Gaius's tone sounded rather cold, which he assumed Stahl did not like because Stahl was directly charging him. "Woah, Jesus!" Gaius rolled to his left and evaded Stahl's lunging spear. He began sprinting immediately after finishing his roll and held his curved sword that he had nabbed from a Painting Guardian.
He slashed his sword through Stahl's armor and felt a brief twinge of joy when he saw Stahl's bar of life go down a small amount. This joy would be short-lived, however, as a hammer swung itself through Gaius' back.
"Gotcha!" Kellam's voice sounded rather playful as Gaius was knocked backward.
"Can you stop that?" Gaius spoke in strained voice as he got to his feet and grabbed a flask of Estus out of his pocket. He chugged the delicious orange nectar and placed his flask back in his pocket. "So where did you guys g-"
Stahl leaped out from behind one of the massive pillars and skewered Gaius with his spear. "Okay, cheap shot." Gaius let out a grunt as he fell to the ground. He raised his head and learned what terror truly feels like as Kellam walked towards him.
"Sorry, Gaius," Kellam stated as he smashed his hammer directly into Gaius.
You died.
Ten attempts later, Gaius paced back and forth in the bonfire room he respawned in. The room was rather large, and contained multiple tables and a fireplace. He had spent the last five minutes staring at the summoning sign that had appeared. After deciding that he's had enough with this crap, Gaius touched the yellow sign and took a step back.
Phantom Robin of the East summoned.
A figure encased in yellow emerged from the sign, then stood upright. The figure stood on the tip of its toes and held its arms up; their palms were facing in opposite directions. The yellow glow disappeared from the figure, and Gaius recognized the distinctive white hair. "Oh, hey Robin," Gaius spoke.
"Hey, Gaius. So you need help with this place?" Robin asked; Gaius noted that he was wearing a full set of tattered cloth, but the hood was pulled up.
"Yeah, Stahl and Kellam keep kicking my ass," Gaius stated as he impulsively rolled through the nearby table. He felt a massive wave of satisfaction as he barreled through the wooden furniture.
"Well, what level is your Estus at?" Robin joined in the art of furniture destruction and helped Gaius redecorate the room.
"You can level up the Estus?" I thought you could only level up armor and weapons." Gaius felt a twinge of sadness as he looked at the now table-less room, then looked to Robin.
"Okay, how many Fire Keeper Souls do you have?" Robin was baffled that Gaius had gotten this far with a basic Estus Flask.
"Uh, lemme check," Gaius spoke and fidgeted with his pockets. He pulled out a pair of white, twisted orbs that radiated a sickly glow. "I got two of 'em."
"Okay, so you know that lady wearing brass armor at the first bonfire of this place?" Gaius tilted his head as Robin asked his question.
"Yeah, the Darkmoon Knightess. Do I give her the souls or something?" Gaius began walking toward the door to exit the bonfire room. Outside was a rather large hallway with a curved staircase to the duo's right.
"Precisely. But before we do that, have you gone past those stairs?" Robin followed Gaius out the room and pointed to a white curved staircase to their left.
"Nope, I always go up those stairs." Gaius' tone was rather blunt as Robin walked in front of him.
"Follow me." Robin brandished a silver straight sword in his right hand -Gaius assumed he had gotten it from one of the silver knights patrolling this place- and his left hand began to glow as if it were aflame.
"What's up with your left hand?" Gaius watched as a silver knight walked out from behind the staircase, and Robin promptly raised his hand before blasting the knight with a ball of fire.
"Pyromancy." Robin watched as the attacker was burned to a crisp before exploding in a flash of white. Robin walked to the left and opened a door into a room containing more tables and a fireplace. Gaius followed and promptly rolled through the tables. Robin walked into the large, white fireplace and slashed his sword at the back of it.
The back of the fireplace faded away and Robin motioned for Gaius to follow. The two walked down the stairs and into a pitch-black basement filled with pillars. At the very end of the basement were five wooden chests.
"Score!" Gaius yelled with delight as he hurried to the leftmost chest. While Gaius was preparing to open the chest, Robin inspected an orange note that someone had written in front of the chests.
" 'Be wary of mimicry'?" Robin read the message aloud, then his eyes widened in fear as he realized something. He looked to the iron chain at the right of every chest. Four chests had a chain that curled away from whoever would open them; the chest Gaius stood before had a chain that curled towards whoever would open it. "Gaius! Don't open that!"
"It's just a harmless treasure chest. What, is it gonna kill me when I open it?" Gaius turned his head to face Robin while he opened the chest. He looked back in the hopes of discovering a treasure, but instead, he was greeted by sharp rows of teeth and a large tongue sticking out of the chest. "What the…"
Two long, spindly hands burst out of the chest and grabbed Gaius. Gaius was pulled into the chest and struggled against the hands that held him firmly. "I hate this game!" His voice was muffled through the sounds of the mimic chewing on him.
You died.
Gaius ran his way back into the dark basement and drew his sword over the disguised mimic while Robin waited behind him.
"I'm gonna enjoy this." Gaius' spoke in a sadistic voice as he sliced his sword through the mimic's wood-like flesh. The mimic, having not particularly enjoyed being awoken, stood up as Gaius continued to slice it. "Oh, God, it's so tall!" Gaius sliced even faster until the mimic jerked its head up, let out a moan, then exploded in a flash of white.
"Nice job." Robin clapped his hands while Gaius panted for breath. "All the other chests should be safe."
"They better be." Gaius sounded downright tired of all these shenanigans. He opened all the other chests up, decided the loot was worthless, then went on his merry way with Robin back to the massive room before Stahl and Kellam.
Unfortunately for them, once they cleared the room of enemies, a message informed them of something terrible.
Dark spirit CHRONIC THE HEDGEHOG has invaded.
"Who the hell is Chronic the Hedgehog?" Gaius asked, then looked to the top of the stairs before the fog wall.
A man with blue skin who wore nothing but a loincloth emerged from the floor. He had a red tint to his body, and Robin let out a sigh as he recognized who this person was.
"Chrom, for God's sake, what the hell are you doing?" Robin rolled his eyes as Chrom posed at the top of the marble staircase.
"Who is this 'Chrom' you speak of? I am Chronic the Hedgehog!" Chrom's voice sounded exceptionally full of bravado and a stupendous amount of charm.
"I just wanted to kill Stahl and Kellam; is that too much to ask?" Gaius pressed his hand to his forehead in frustration. He looked up, and Chrom began running down the stairs.
"CUMON, STEP IT UP!" Chrom yelled at the top of his lungs as he rolled past Robin and Gaius. The ominous silence in Anor Londo then changed into the violin music Gaius heard when Chrom and Stahl were playing Sonic Unleashed. "SPEEDS MY NAME, CHROM'S MY GAME!"
Robin groaned as he began running after Chrom, and Gaius followed them outside.
The gross incandescence of the sun shone brightly outside Anor Londo, and a white staircase went from the main building to the twisting tower below.
"FASTEST THING ALIVE!" Chrom sprinted down the staircase while Robin was hot on his heels. "YEAH, CHILIDOGS! GOTTA GO RELATIVELY QUICKLY!" Chrom banged his head on the stairs, but that did nothing to stop him from achieving his goal of going fast.
"Chrom… Hah… Slow down… man..." Robin panted for breath as his stamina dwindled. He collapsed at the bottom of the staircase as Chrom ran circles around him. The sun shone atop his white hair.
"LET'S GO TO MOBIUS GUYS! UR TOO SLOE!" Chrom continued to run around Robin until he was stopped by a blade piercing his stomach. Gaius had backstabbed Chronic the Hedgehog and killed him in one hit.
Chrom struggled to breathe as his blood seeped onto the stone floor. "My OnE rEgReT wAs ThAt I wAs NoT fAsT eNoUgH…" Chrom's voice reverberated around the outside area until he exploded in a flash of white. The violin music stopped completely.
Dark spirit CHRONIC THE HEDGEHOG was vanquished.
After Gaius had upgraded his Estus to plus two, he and Robin worked their way to the massive room before Stahl and Kellam when tragedy struck, again.
Dark spirit GIANTDAD has invaded.
"Who's Giant Dad?" Gaius felt a twinge of deja-vu as he looked to the ceiling of the room.
A figure wearing an almost full set of Giant's Armor emerged, and Robin noted that she had long, red hair.
"Cordelia?!" His heart skipped a beat as his wife posed at the top of the stairs against the fog wall.
"Well, what is it?" She held her arms apart and looked around the room. She grabbed a bronze mask that depicted a man with a beard and wavy hair; she placed the mask on her head. "What rings you got, bitch?"
"Well, uh, I have our wedding ring right here." Robin, although taken aback by her vulgarity, began searching for his wedding ring.
"What are you, a casual? You need to git gud and use Havel's Ring." Cordelia continued walking down the stairs and posed again as she reached the bottom. "It's time to pwn some noobs."
"Oh, no." Gaius began to cautiously step back, while Robin walked up to his wife.
"Initiate phase one…" Cordelia's voice became even lower as she began to circle Robin. "Power up the bass cannon." Cordelia unsheathed a Chaos Zweihander and gripped it with both of her hands.
"Cordelia?" Robin asked, then watched in terror as she grew closer.
"Fire," Cordelia spoke, then slashed her massive sword through Robin's gut. Robin wasn't killed, but he was placed into a 'stun-lock' of sorts, where he was unable to roll out of the way of Cordelia's next attack.
This continued until Robin collapsed onto the stone ground and exploded in a flash of white.
Phantom Robin of the East has died.
"Robin of the East? More like…" Cordelia gripped her sword and began advancing towards Gaius, whose heart rate was incredibly high. "Robin of the Deceased."
Gaius let out a girlish scream as Cordelia ran after him. Gaius sprinted out of the massive doorway and into the sunlight outside. She promptly caught up to her prey and stabbed her weapon through Gaius' back.
"Oh, come on!" Gaius groaned as he fell to the ground and tumbled down the staircase.
"The legend never dies!" Cordelia posed for the third time in a minute, then fumbled with her pockets. She grabbed a stone the size of her fist and dropped it onto Gaius' corpse.
"Very good!" The stone spoke as it exploded, and Cordelia disappeared.
You died.
At this point, Gaius was at his wits end regarding this stupid area.
"Well, this has been a series of unfortunate events…" Robin spoke as he surmounted the staircase in the massive room. Gaius threw his hands up in frustration before walking to the wall of mist.
"Let's just get this crap over with." Gaius raised his hand, then entered through the wall of fog. Robin followed behind him.
Kellam and Stahl were both sitting down in the end of their room at a giant table and playing a game of checkers.
"King me," Stahl spoke as he moved one of his pieces to Kellam's side of the board.
"God damn it!" Kellam stood up and flipped the table in a fit of rage. Red and black pieces flew into the air along with splinters of wood. His head swiveled to see Gaius. "Oh, there you are. We thought you weren't going to show."
"Hi, Robin!" Stahl poked his head out from behind Kellam and waved to Robin.
"Hello, Stahl." Robin waved back to his large friend and drew his sword. "Sorry, but we're gonna have to kill you if you don't get out of the way."
"Nah bro, it's fine." Stahl raised his spear toward the sky. "May the best gank squad win." Sunlight shone in through the window and reflected off of Stahl's golden armor.
"Will you two just shut up already?" Gaius pouted with a hint of annoyance in his voice.
"It's your funeral, pal." Kellam grabbed his hammer and began stomping toward Robin. Gaius took the initiative to lunge toward Stahl while Robin was distracting Kellam.
"Stay still, dammit!" Stahl yelled as he attempted to slash at Gaius, who rolled out of the way. For some reason not explained to either him of Kellam, if the enemy was rolling, they were completely invincible as long as they were in motion.
Gaius delivered a flurry of slashes at Stahl's armor, then out of the corner of his eye, he saw Kellam fall to the ground.
"Ah, you got me…" Kellam sounded rather bored about the whole predicament, given that he had just been killed. Robin stood over the pudgy knight and watched as Stahl leaped over to him.
"Ha, suckers! Time for phase two!" Stahl laughed as green mist began to rise out of Kellam's corpse. Stahl began to convulse with power, then grew in size until he was about as large as Kellam. His head almost reached halfway to the ceiling of the room.
"Are you kidding me?" Gaius' jaw almost hit the floor in disbelief while Robin ran to his side. "How did you beat Kellam so quickly?"
"I enchanted my sword with lightning, so maybe that's the reason?" Robin shrugged his shoulders and glanced to his left to see Stahl charging the two of them. "Dodge!"
Robin and Gaius both rolled in separate directions as the tip of Stahl's spear crackled with electricity.
"Dang it! That was the grab attack!" Stahl whined as he felt two tiny swords slash into his legs. He slashed at Gaius, who rolled out of the way, then attacked the other foe, who rolled out of the way.
This continued for a couple minutes until Stahl fell onto his knees. "Darn, you guys got me…" Stahl exploded in a flash of white.
Victory achieved.
"Welcome to gank city, bitch!" Gaius mocked the dead knight, then looked to Robin.
"See you later, Gaius." Robin did one final pose and shouted at the top of his lungs. "Praise the sun!" Robin disappeared in a flash of gross incandescence.
Gaius wasted no time in searching for an exit out of this room and discovered an elevator to the left of where Kellam and Stahl started. He rode the elevator up while humming to himself, and felt a wave of joy wash over him when he saw a bonfire illuminated by sunlight.
After resting his weary body, he stood up and faced a white staircase that lead to a large, bronze door. A message was written before the door and it caught his attention.
" 'Amazing chest ahead' " Gaius bent down to inspect the message, and his thought began to race as he stood in front of the door. "There better be some great loot in there…" He slowly opened the ornate door and was greeted by the sight of a large room.
The back of the room was illuminated by a massive window, and the light from the window shone onto a large armchair that sat stop several giant steps. Atop the chair sat a massive, motherly figure laying on her side. Gaius couldn't tell who the figure was, due to shadows covering her face.
As Gaius approached the figure, the darkness surrounding her began to depart until the figure was revealed to be someone with heavenly locks of brown hair. "Sumia?!"
"O, Gaius. Thou hath journey'd far. I am Gwynia, Queen of Sunlight. I bequeath the Lordvessel to thee. And beeec-" Before Sumia could finish her spiel, she noted where Gaius' eyes were. "Uh, friend, thine eye are up hither." Sumia looked rather annoyed.
"Those messages weren't kidding…" Gaius was in absolute awe of how beautiful Sumia looked; especially her white cloth that left very little to the imagination regarding her 'amazing chest'. "Huh? Oh, yeah, Lordvessel or something. I have a better idea in mind." Gaius began to mount the massive steps that led up to Sumia's resting place.
"Wherefore art thou doing this?" Sumia asked as she watched her tiny champion climb onto her resting chair, then proceed to clamber onto her massive hips.
"Almost there." Gaius delicately balanced himself on top of Sumia and began walking to her chest. "So close…" Gaius' heart was beating out of his chest.
"O, for crying out loud." Sumia watched in a disgruntled manner as Gaius grabbed onto her arm and swung himself onto her breasts. He slipped into the large space between her breasts and held onto the cloth to prevent himself from falling out.
"I'm just gonna stay here forever; is that alright?" Gaius asked as he poked his head out from between her breasts.
"But what about the-" Sumia attempted to speak but was shushed by Gaius.
"Hey, I earned this," Gaius stated as he slipped back into the space between her breasts.
"Fine." Sumia let out a groan as she stuck her finger inside the hole in her chest and patted Gaius on the head in an affectionate manner.
This was an idea I've had for a while now, since I thought it would be pretty funny to put Fire Emblem Awakening characters into a Dark Souls area.
Also, that CHRONIC THE HEDGEHOG bit was an homage to Hugh G Rection's video Gotta Go Relatively Quickly.