BAT SIGNAL BOXERS AND THE BAD DATE
By Silver and the Blaze
(Man, 'Silver and the Blaze'... sounds like a radio show..." - Silver)
***
A/N: Silver wrote most of this. Blaze loves Phil… and for some reason pictures Dick as Robin instead of Nightwing for this. Oh well. Enjoy! PLEASE REVIEW!!!
***
"I can't believe you changed the suit!" Barbara complained, giving Dick the glare of death." Everything was perfect before you went and changed the suit… I don't have ANY spades!"
"Thanks, Poker Face." Dick muttered, tossing down a card.
"Well, this isn't Poker… but I suppose the principal's the same. My bad." She sighed, sorting her cards and thinking.
"It's all irrelevant anyway." Tim smirked, cocky. "I have all 8s left... I've got it in the bag, ladies and gents…"
"Fine. Fold." Babs sighed again, losing interest.
"This isn't poker!" Dick reminded her, irritated. "You don't fold…"
"You know what I - ERRR - I quit. I hate this game." She tossed her cards, letting them fall randomly.
"Well… that game didn't last long…" Dick frowned. "Now what?"
Barbara was about to respond, when the clock in the far room chimed, telling them it was now eight o'clock. Her eyes widened with remembrance. "Oh… CRAP."
"What's wrong? Those sort 'a reactions are bad - especially in our line of work…" Dick asked, a twinge of worry in his voice.
"I totally forgot - I have a date tonight! He's going to be here any minute!"
"So?" Tim was indifferent.
"He's going to be here any minute!" Barbara repeated, frustrated. She rose, clearing away their mess, starting to panic. "It's our first date! If he sees you two here he'll get the wrong idea…"
"What's he gonna think, Barb? We're the family you didn't mention. Relax." Dick was equally mellow.
Tim snorted. "People always have friends everywhere… like he'll care."
"I know, I know, I know…" she began shaking her wrists with anxiety. Circling and looking quickly around the room, aimless. "I just… this wasn't the first impression I wanted… you guys weren't in the picture… I'm not dressed or ready… or ready or dressed… Oh crap, crap, crap… I wanted everything to be perfect. I had it all-"
"If it's so important to you… why'd you forget?" Dick muttered. Still not moving.
The phone rang, startling her. She answered immediately, temporarily transforming into calm, cheerful Barbara - the way people pretentiously do. Tim and Dick exchanged a look… the way children do when their parents are in the middle of screeching bloody murder at them and then suddenly answer the phone all 'sunshine'…
"Hey Phil, glad you found the place. How are ya? Awesome! Oh me? I'm sensational. Couldn't be better now that you're here. Ya, ya… not a problem… sure… ya, just a minute…" She clicked 9 on her touchtone, letting him in downstairs. "Sure, ya… see you in a bit…"
She hung up. She turned to the boys - "Hide! Now!"
"Where? Under the sink?" Dick was skeptical.
"Why didn't you just tell him the truth?" Tim was annoyed now, rising.
"The truth, as always, sounds very bad. Now, HIDE!!"
"Where?" Dick was up now.
"The bath-"
"He'll probably need to go in th-" Tim started.
"The closet, the-"
"Too small. We can't cram in their all ni-" Dick started.
There was a cheerful knock at the door. Everyone froze.
"My bedroom, now, now, now!!" she shoved them in, closing the door.
The two boys stood staring. Dick surprised, Tim peeved. "So… this is our prison for the night?" he crossed his arms, somewhat huffy.
"Better than the closet…" was all Grayson could say.
They heard cheerful mutterings… Barbara was opening the front closet…
"Oh, right… his jacket…" Dick muttered. "Looks like this is the only place-" He stopped, noticing all Barb's things. "Well, we might as well-" He froze, hearing her approach her door. "Make yourself comfortable, Phil. Be right back…"
Opening the door, she caught Dick looming over her dresser. "Stay out of my stuff!"
"Hey, what else are we suppose to do in here all night…" Tim muttered.
"Nothing that makes noise. No TV, no music, no-"
"This sucks as-"
"Tim! Watch you mouth…" she trailed off, looking around the room. "It won't be for long… I'll convince him we should eat out… Just be quiet! There's stuff to do in here, like read and… here's a puzzle!" She put a puzzle in Tim's hands. He inspected it from all angels and was unimpressed.
Shaking the box, he muttered, "It's broken."
"Don't be smart!" she hissed. She glanced over her shoulder, knowing she was taking too long. "Look, I'll let you know when we're leaving… I'll… I'll… think of something… right now, just… I don't know… Stay out of my stuff and don't make a sound. Got it?…Please?"
"How are you gonna explain talking to yourself?" Dick muttered.
"Eep!" she was gone.
"This blows…" Tim tossed the puzzle. He turned and was taken aback. Dick was ALREADY going through her drawers! "Man, you can't-"
"It's not like I haven't seen Bab's underwear before." Dick muttered, digging through the various panties and bras. "Here we go… Her diary…"
"Oh thank goodness… I thought… never mind what I thought…"
Ignoring him, Dick started to explain. "This has all her thoughts. Her TRUE thoughts."
"Well, that IS the premise of a diary, O gifted one."
"Wow, you getting kinda witty, kid… WAIT, no, no, no… Don't you want to know what she writes in here about you?"
Dick held the book in Tim's face. The kid was curious. Yet… she might have written bad things about him… that he'd be better not knowing. Yet, what if she wrote good things?… Actually, deep down he knew it was better not to know what people really thought. Besides, she probably didn't even acknowledge his existence in the sacred book. REGARDLESS, he gave into his curiosity…
"Ok. You win." He crawled onto the bed. Dick sat beside him and began reading from the feminine book - which looked awkward in his hands.
"Man, this is boring…yadda yadda yadda…Dad got a new car…yadda yadda yadda… the new guy on the force is pretty hot…yadda yadda yadda…Here we go!" he smiled. "Something about me!"
"Dick is what his name suggests. A total DICK!" He read. Tim laughed, meriting a death glare from his partner in crime. (Ironic - usually there partners in non-crime!) Dick continued reading, "He's so cocky and sure of himself… but he's still fun and cute and I love that about him… but I don't want to! He hurt me bad! But… I can't help myself from being a little attracted to him still… Even if he is a dick."
"Ew…" Tim flinched. "This isn't what I wanted to hear. I liked it better when she was insulting you."
"It gets better. She wrote something here about you…"
"I just got off patrol. I was working with Tim tonight. Not a bad kid, even though his over-eager, arrogant attitude can get annoying! On the upside he's gullible and I can manipulate him… I can get that kid to do anything!"
"That wasn't so bad.. I was expecting something along the lines of … *TIM MUST DIE!* …" Tim relaxed. He glanced at his watch and signed. "When is she going to leave? I don't want to read her diary all night…"
"Oh, I do…" Dick was reading on, grinning. Finally, he chuckled, "You're annoying. She keeps saying you're annoying…"
Tim snorted, "Whatever."
"You're the baby of the bat family. Of COURSE you're annoying."
"Least I'm not a dick."
"But I'm cute."
"I'm cuter!"
"That will change when you hit puberty."
"Your such a…a… shut up!" Tim threw a pillow at Dick. At that moment he hated Dick and he was the last person in the world he wanted to be imprisoned with. Couldn't Barbara just LEAVE?
"Don't throw stuff at me, you loser." Dick muttered. Tim's response was throwing the other pillow. Dick glared, reminding himself to stay quiet. A stuffed animal was about to head his direction when he lunged at the smaller boy. They wrestled a few seconds before things got out of control and… well… a book shelf went down…
They stared at the noisy mess in horror and then exchanged shocked expressions.
"Maybe… they… didn't hear?…" Tim hoped. The door opened and a large man entered, holding a fire poker, expecting burglars. Tim hid behind Dick.
"Who the HELL are YOU?" The man, presumably Phil, snapped, defensive.
Barbara watched over his shoulder, giving Dick a desperate, pleading look.
"Robbers!" Dick said the first thing that popped into his head.
"What the HELL?!"
"This guy isn't so swell… he's got a mouth like a-" Tim started, annoyed now.
Totally lost now, Dick was muttering, "We've… come to steal…this bookshelf…"
"Barbara, call the cops, hurry…I've got them in check…" Phil acted tough. (I'm sure he watches TV…)
Realizing things were now absolutely out of control and always had been, Barb stepped forward - "Dick!"
"You know him?" Phil blinked, then he understood. "Ah, yes. Inside jobs. Friend screws over friend. Been there, babe. After all, the majority of thefts are someone the victim knows…"
"That's murder." Tim muttered… then thought… "Or is it rape?"
"What a disaster…" Barbara whined, covering her face.
Phil - "Well, YA - you're friend's trying to steal your shelf!"
Barbara saw her escape. She grabbed Dick by his long hair and Tim be the scruff of his shirt, dragging them from her apartment. Tossing them in the hall she snapped, "You guys aren't welcome around here anymore. Go home!" With that she slammed the door.
Phil smirked, folding his arms. "Way to show them, doll. Though… I would have involved the authorities… Yet, I suppose it all adds to your character. You're kind and forgiving… I like that…" He snapped his fingers. "Let's check the room and make sure everything's in order. There may be damages… or ya know, they could have lifted something small."
"Wait, Phil…" she cut him off.
"Maybe they punked something large out the window…" he insisted, pushing past.
"Don't worry… I'll handle it, I'M a cop…"
Too late. Her room was a terrible, terrible mess. Embarrassed, she brushed the door closed with her foot… "I don't really live like this… um… they-"
"Don't worry… I'm a slob sometimes myself. No one's perfect." he reassured her. He entered the room and glanced around. That's when he noticed it in the closet…
"Batgirl?" he was surprised, touching the fallen costume.
"I-" she panicked.
"Don't be embarrassed, doll. I have Bat Signal Boxers and I was Knight Wing last Halloween…"
Relieved she sighed, "Ya, big, big fan of the Bat concept."
"I hear they're making a movie… OUCH… I just stepped on a nail. With all the debris I should have expected as much. Out we go…" he led her out of the room, limping.
"Phil…" she blinked. "All this crap isn't typical first date stuff. Especially the B&E…"
Indifferent, Phil grabbed his coat. "Pizza?"
END
By Silver and the Blaze
(Man, 'Silver and the Blaze'... sounds like a radio show..." - Silver)
***
A/N: Silver wrote most of this. Blaze loves Phil… and for some reason pictures Dick as Robin instead of Nightwing for this. Oh well. Enjoy! PLEASE REVIEW!!!
***
"I can't believe you changed the suit!" Barbara complained, giving Dick the glare of death." Everything was perfect before you went and changed the suit… I don't have ANY spades!"
"Thanks, Poker Face." Dick muttered, tossing down a card.
"Well, this isn't Poker… but I suppose the principal's the same. My bad." She sighed, sorting her cards and thinking.
"It's all irrelevant anyway." Tim smirked, cocky. "I have all 8s left... I've got it in the bag, ladies and gents…"
"Fine. Fold." Babs sighed again, losing interest.
"This isn't poker!" Dick reminded her, irritated. "You don't fold…"
"You know what I - ERRR - I quit. I hate this game." She tossed her cards, letting them fall randomly.
"Well… that game didn't last long…" Dick frowned. "Now what?"
Barbara was about to respond, when the clock in the far room chimed, telling them it was now eight o'clock. Her eyes widened with remembrance. "Oh… CRAP."
"What's wrong? Those sort 'a reactions are bad - especially in our line of work…" Dick asked, a twinge of worry in his voice.
"I totally forgot - I have a date tonight! He's going to be here any minute!"
"So?" Tim was indifferent.
"He's going to be here any minute!" Barbara repeated, frustrated. She rose, clearing away their mess, starting to panic. "It's our first date! If he sees you two here he'll get the wrong idea…"
"What's he gonna think, Barb? We're the family you didn't mention. Relax." Dick was equally mellow.
Tim snorted. "People always have friends everywhere… like he'll care."
"I know, I know, I know…" she began shaking her wrists with anxiety. Circling and looking quickly around the room, aimless. "I just… this wasn't the first impression I wanted… you guys weren't in the picture… I'm not dressed or ready… or ready or dressed… Oh crap, crap, crap… I wanted everything to be perfect. I had it all-"
"If it's so important to you… why'd you forget?" Dick muttered. Still not moving.
The phone rang, startling her. She answered immediately, temporarily transforming into calm, cheerful Barbara - the way people pretentiously do. Tim and Dick exchanged a look… the way children do when their parents are in the middle of screeching bloody murder at them and then suddenly answer the phone all 'sunshine'…
"Hey Phil, glad you found the place. How are ya? Awesome! Oh me? I'm sensational. Couldn't be better now that you're here. Ya, ya… not a problem… sure… ya, just a minute…" She clicked 9 on her touchtone, letting him in downstairs. "Sure, ya… see you in a bit…"
She hung up. She turned to the boys - "Hide! Now!"
"Where? Under the sink?" Dick was skeptical.
"Why didn't you just tell him the truth?" Tim was annoyed now, rising.
"The truth, as always, sounds very bad. Now, HIDE!!"
"Where?" Dick was up now.
"The bath-"
"He'll probably need to go in th-" Tim started.
"The closet, the-"
"Too small. We can't cram in their all ni-" Dick started.
There was a cheerful knock at the door. Everyone froze.
"My bedroom, now, now, now!!" she shoved them in, closing the door.
The two boys stood staring. Dick surprised, Tim peeved. "So… this is our prison for the night?" he crossed his arms, somewhat huffy.
"Better than the closet…" was all Grayson could say.
They heard cheerful mutterings… Barbara was opening the front closet…
"Oh, right… his jacket…" Dick muttered. "Looks like this is the only place-" He stopped, noticing all Barb's things. "Well, we might as well-" He froze, hearing her approach her door. "Make yourself comfortable, Phil. Be right back…"
Opening the door, she caught Dick looming over her dresser. "Stay out of my stuff!"
"Hey, what else are we suppose to do in here all night…" Tim muttered.
"Nothing that makes noise. No TV, no music, no-"
"This sucks as-"
"Tim! Watch you mouth…" she trailed off, looking around the room. "It won't be for long… I'll convince him we should eat out… Just be quiet! There's stuff to do in here, like read and… here's a puzzle!" She put a puzzle in Tim's hands. He inspected it from all angels and was unimpressed.
Shaking the box, he muttered, "It's broken."
"Don't be smart!" she hissed. She glanced over her shoulder, knowing she was taking too long. "Look, I'll let you know when we're leaving… I'll… I'll… think of something… right now, just… I don't know… Stay out of my stuff and don't make a sound. Got it?…Please?"
"How are you gonna explain talking to yourself?" Dick muttered.
"Eep!" she was gone.
"This blows…" Tim tossed the puzzle. He turned and was taken aback. Dick was ALREADY going through her drawers! "Man, you can't-"
"It's not like I haven't seen Bab's underwear before." Dick muttered, digging through the various panties and bras. "Here we go… Her diary…"
"Oh thank goodness… I thought… never mind what I thought…"
Ignoring him, Dick started to explain. "This has all her thoughts. Her TRUE thoughts."
"Well, that IS the premise of a diary, O gifted one."
"Wow, you getting kinda witty, kid… WAIT, no, no, no… Don't you want to know what she writes in here about you?"
Dick held the book in Tim's face. The kid was curious. Yet… she might have written bad things about him… that he'd be better not knowing. Yet, what if she wrote good things?… Actually, deep down he knew it was better not to know what people really thought. Besides, she probably didn't even acknowledge his existence in the sacred book. REGARDLESS, he gave into his curiosity…
"Ok. You win." He crawled onto the bed. Dick sat beside him and began reading from the feminine book - which looked awkward in his hands.
"Man, this is boring…yadda yadda yadda…Dad got a new car…yadda yadda yadda… the new guy on the force is pretty hot…yadda yadda yadda…Here we go!" he smiled. "Something about me!"
"Dick is what his name suggests. A total DICK!" He read. Tim laughed, meriting a death glare from his partner in crime. (Ironic - usually there partners in non-crime!) Dick continued reading, "He's so cocky and sure of himself… but he's still fun and cute and I love that about him… but I don't want to! He hurt me bad! But… I can't help myself from being a little attracted to him still… Even if he is a dick."
"Ew…" Tim flinched. "This isn't what I wanted to hear. I liked it better when she was insulting you."
"It gets better. She wrote something here about you…"
"I just got off patrol. I was working with Tim tonight. Not a bad kid, even though his over-eager, arrogant attitude can get annoying! On the upside he's gullible and I can manipulate him… I can get that kid to do anything!"
"That wasn't so bad.. I was expecting something along the lines of … *TIM MUST DIE!* …" Tim relaxed. He glanced at his watch and signed. "When is she going to leave? I don't want to read her diary all night…"
"Oh, I do…" Dick was reading on, grinning. Finally, he chuckled, "You're annoying. She keeps saying you're annoying…"
Tim snorted, "Whatever."
"You're the baby of the bat family. Of COURSE you're annoying."
"Least I'm not a dick."
"But I'm cute."
"I'm cuter!"
"That will change when you hit puberty."
"Your such a…a… shut up!" Tim threw a pillow at Dick. At that moment he hated Dick and he was the last person in the world he wanted to be imprisoned with. Couldn't Barbara just LEAVE?
"Don't throw stuff at me, you loser." Dick muttered. Tim's response was throwing the other pillow. Dick glared, reminding himself to stay quiet. A stuffed animal was about to head his direction when he lunged at the smaller boy. They wrestled a few seconds before things got out of control and… well… a book shelf went down…
They stared at the noisy mess in horror and then exchanged shocked expressions.
"Maybe… they… didn't hear?…" Tim hoped. The door opened and a large man entered, holding a fire poker, expecting burglars. Tim hid behind Dick.
"Who the HELL are YOU?" The man, presumably Phil, snapped, defensive.
Barbara watched over his shoulder, giving Dick a desperate, pleading look.
"Robbers!" Dick said the first thing that popped into his head.
"What the HELL?!"
"This guy isn't so swell… he's got a mouth like a-" Tim started, annoyed now.
Totally lost now, Dick was muttering, "We've… come to steal…this bookshelf…"
"Barbara, call the cops, hurry…I've got them in check…" Phil acted tough. (I'm sure he watches TV…)
Realizing things were now absolutely out of control and always had been, Barb stepped forward - "Dick!"
"You know him?" Phil blinked, then he understood. "Ah, yes. Inside jobs. Friend screws over friend. Been there, babe. After all, the majority of thefts are someone the victim knows…"
"That's murder." Tim muttered… then thought… "Or is it rape?"
"What a disaster…" Barbara whined, covering her face.
Phil - "Well, YA - you're friend's trying to steal your shelf!"
Barbara saw her escape. She grabbed Dick by his long hair and Tim be the scruff of his shirt, dragging them from her apartment. Tossing them in the hall she snapped, "You guys aren't welcome around here anymore. Go home!" With that she slammed the door.
Phil smirked, folding his arms. "Way to show them, doll. Though… I would have involved the authorities… Yet, I suppose it all adds to your character. You're kind and forgiving… I like that…" He snapped his fingers. "Let's check the room and make sure everything's in order. There may be damages… or ya know, they could have lifted something small."
"Wait, Phil…" she cut him off.
"Maybe they punked something large out the window…" he insisted, pushing past.
"Don't worry… I'll handle it, I'M a cop…"
Too late. Her room was a terrible, terrible mess. Embarrassed, she brushed the door closed with her foot… "I don't really live like this… um… they-"
"Don't worry… I'm a slob sometimes myself. No one's perfect." he reassured her. He entered the room and glanced around. That's when he noticed it in the closet…
"Batgirl?" he was surprised, touching the fallen costume.
"I-" she panicked.
"Don't be embarrassed, doll. I have Bat Signal Boxers and I was Knight Wing last Halloween…"
Relieved she sighed, "Ya, big, big fan of the Bat concept."
"I hear they're making a movie… OUCH… I just stepped on a nail. With all the debris I should have expected as much. Out we go…" he led her out of the room, limping.
"Phil…" she blinked. "All this crap isn't typical first date stuff. Especially the B&E…"
Indifferent, Phil grabbed his coat. "Pizza?"
END