"I have loved you the way they said they have!"
That line echoed in Martha's head repeatedly. With every passing moment the regret began to build up and it was agony. It was so painful as it was the truth, the burden that she locked away from everyone- including herself. No matter how much she wanted it to be reciprocated, deep down she felt disgusted with herself. How can these feelings be wrong? In everyone's condescending eyes it was, and even she begun to accept that no matter how she felt about Karen Wright, her best friend, it was impossible to love her like a man. It was unnatural, deviant and sinful. It all seemed like a hazy dream or as if someone else had said it and what happened after was just a nightmare.
But, it was real and it did happen.
Martha gazed up through the window, her piercing blue eyes reflected the pain she felt as they slowly circled around her dimly lit room.
"No matter where I go, I will cause you pain and suffering. This is all my fault..reputation ,money, career but most of all your relationship with Joe. All gone. How I long to follow you - even to the edge of the world but there is no place for us - no...me. I can't let you sink to my level.. .I belong in a different world...you are too good to go to hell."
Tears started to well up, stinging her sad eyes. Martha did not feel the pain of the tears as the side of her mouth curved upwards into a smile. Her hand faintly touched the glass of the window whilst peering down at the svelte woman walking away from the farmhouse into the garden ahead.
"Karen..these feeling I have..are makes me feel so sick, so dirty,so disgusting! I finally understand now what I am...and I do not want to burden you any longer." Martha looked upwards and saw a part of the ceiling that looked sturdy then she suddenly remembered there was rope lying in the corner that was used to secure the children's luggage when they left the school on vacation. She picked up the old rope from the floor and dangled it in her hands. The weight of the rope was nothing compared to the burden she felt "Don't need this..no school anymore.." she mumbled out loud. Her eyes wandered to the window "Karen..I wish...no, it will be better" more tears fell as she dragged a wooden chair from the desk in front of her. " You always told me to be brave.." Her voice trailed off as she climbed the chair which creaked slightly in response. Martha faced the window and lifted the rope weakly to the beam in the roof. She tied it frantically and pulled to make sure it was taut. She then prepared the remainder of the rope into an oval and pulled it over her head. She did not feel the tight, suffocating pressure as the rope pressed against her throat, constricting her breathing. Her focus was now at the window which she looked out is such a beautiful day...too beautiful.
Martha at that point felt relief that reverberated throughout her body. The drapes bellowed gently back and forth as she gazed at the blue sky with white bellowing clouds slowly travelling across. The bare tree branches swayed slightly in the breeze with the remainder of the dead leaves following suit. Martha gripped the makeshift noose in front of her with both hands , her feet tiptoed to the edge. The chair buckled from underneath as her feet left the ground. She smiled widely and closed her eyes.
This was it.
The darkness that she tried so hard to battle from within enveloped and consumed her. No more hurt, no more sorrow, no more worry, no more life.
"MARTHA...MARTHA!OH MY GOD!MARTHA!" A voice screamed, which reached out from the darkness and called for Martha with so much feeling.
Everything seemed to be so surreal to Martha as the next moment her eyes were open and she was lying on the floor still breathing. Then pain returned, at first it was her throat where the rope was. Every breath she took felt like a knife sliding across it. She coughed violently and raised her hand to her cheek which was throbbing, did Karen slap her? Martha looked up and saw the familiar woman crying uncontrollably as she kneeled to her on the floor.
"Martha! what were you thinking?! You are the only best friend I have ever known or had. How could you think...! " she struggled to say before bursting into tears again, her hazel doe like eyes were rarely as full of tears before now.
The chair lay on the floor knocked over as the rope swung freely in the air with the noose now empty. Martha looked away from the kneeling Karen. She was so deeply ashamed...the torment returned greater than before but she could not shed a single tear as she was so numb and could not move with the shock.
"Martha? Oh dear, what happened here!?" An older woman stood frozen at the entrance to the room. Her eyes widened and stared intensely ahead.
"Mrs Mortar..please go.." Karen pleaded to the older woman.
"That's my niece..you can't bar me from seeing he-" Lily Mortar paused as she noticed the noose swaying in the wind. "We have to get a doctor! I'll go right now and make sure-" she called urgently.
"That.. won't be... necessary.." Martha rasped, holding onto the chair. Her throat that was dry and damaged. Her aunt Lily was always so interfering and caused nothing but trouble for the both of them.
"No? Well it is not what I saw, the devils work!" She looked at the noose again."If word gets out they won't tolerate the both of you and will be hounded out of town." Aunt Lily replied haughtily.
"No one will be saying anything..so get OUT!" Martha roared from what little strength she had and started to pick herself up from the floor. Karen looked at Martha sadly and helped her up.
"Saying that to me again? Well I'll tell you something Martha. You are an ungrateful, hateful, spiteful woman. No wonder men didn't want anything to do with you. So temperamental and jealous. You was lucky I had the kindness in my heart to take you in when your mother died. I should have sent you to a reformatory to straighten you out years ago. I ignored all the warning signs..-"
"-You only wanted the money, you never cared about me. You don't have the capacity to care for anyone but yourself! I despise everything about you. This time I won't see you again." Martha's anger trailed off as she glared at her aunt.
Aunt Lily was taken back a little by hearing it a second time. She had thick skin but even now she couldn't deny what damage has been done.
"I think you should go now" Karen stood with Martha clutching her hand whilst staring vehemently at Aunt Lily. "We have had enough for one day"
"Doing this to a poor old woman! You should know better Karen! You call yourself her friend , you should have nipped it in the bud and stopped it long ago then all of this would have never happened or even worse..!
"Leave Karen out of this you conniving old leech! I'll call the police if you don't leave this minute!"
Aunt Lily ignored her niece and started to point her finger at Karen.
"I heard you left Joe, quite the scandal! He is a good man, and rightly staying away from this." Aunt lily remarked venomously with her hands gesturing wildly.
Karen felt the sharp words hit her like a thousand knives but she never rose to the bait and held onto Martha's hand defiantly. Martha felt more emotion rise up and bubble out as she felt the warmth of Karen's small, accepting hand.
"Silence never did anyone any good. Ladies, You are making it worse for yourselves there is always truth to a rumour I say. Both of you should be ashamed of yourselves..I know I am. you will never work here again. Ever. Deviants not be associated with! The whole town will know the truth I will make sure of that!" Aunt Lily wiped some tears from her raw eyes and quickly made her exit from entrance of the room.
Karen released Martha's hand and stood in front of the door closing it slowly. Karen's posture and head was bowed. The doe like hazel eyes lowered to the floor and her delicate hands moved behind herself .
Martha turned away , stood crossed armed and gazed out the window. An awkward silence between the women crept in.
"Martha..."Karen walked towards her and rested a warm, reassuring hand on her heavy shoulder. Martha flinched slightly with her touch and removed the hand swiftly. She viewed Karen lovingly and bitterly as she shifted away .Her hands were now raised to her face as a mask to conceal her inner feelings .
Karen retracted back and sighed, hugging herself tightly from the rejection. How could she feel what Martha was going through? So rarely she had been so unknowing. Karen felt nauseous that had she been any later that Martha would no longer be with her. Tears emerged from her eyes as they watched Martha. Her best friend of 10 years, Her business partner, Her confidant, Her companion. Karen finally understood within that moment, the realisation Martha wanted to die because she does love her unconditionally, perhaps more than her fiancé Doctor Joseph Cardin had ever done. After all these years she often wondered why Martha had no male suitors but then it slipped to the back of her mind when the school was being setup. She just assumed Martha would always be there for her..only for her. It frightened Karen that in that second she would have lost Martha forever.
"I am so sorry Martha" Karen whispered and hugged Martha with both arms from behind burying her face into her shoulder. "I was blinded by my relationship with Joe that I could not see the suffering you were going through. I was selfish to think you would always be there for me. Please forgive me."
Martha was so overwhelmed with emotion that she couldn't speak back instantly and just smiled sadly. She removed her hands from her face and moved them down to Karen's clutching them tightly. There was another moment of silence
" I..understand..if you decide not to forgive me..I have been a terrible friend to you" Karen whispered.
"Please don't say that. I am so dirty and tainted Karen. I think I am ill...I don't know." Martha replied finally.
"Then all you need is rest Martha..I will be here for you, I promise" Karen reassured clasping her hands and gazed into her azure eyes.
Martha lowered her head slowly, she couldn't bear to look at Karen ,she thought she was too good for her.
"My feelings are still mixed up. I don't want to ruin your life any further. You are better off without a... freak like me. Go back to Joe, he is still there waiting for you."
"I don't care what you think you are Martha... I still want you to come with me. I will not leave without you." Karen smiled slowly and started to stroke Martha's golden hair.
"Karen...I.." Martha was stopped in mid-sentence by Karen's finger brushing past her lips.
"You don't need to say it to me..I know and..I do not think of you as being ill" Karen soothed.
Martha was so blissful and at ease, she felt her eyes close wishing that the moment would never end. Overwhelmed with emotion she felt she had to kiss Karen to express her joy.
Martha turned around quickly and closed in towards Karen's sweet moist lips which connected with her own. She had kissed her before but not in this way, it excited her greatly. Karen's eyes widened in response, she had not expected Martha to be so forthright but this sensation she felt was different to Joe kissing her. Martha's lips were so soft and gentle just like how she always imagined it to be. It felt right.
Joe entered the schoolhouse and ran upstairs. He burst through the door to the bedroom and stood in shock at what he saw.
"Karen!" Joe shouted in disbelief at the women kissing.
"I don't believe..it" Lily Mortar gasped as she peaked from behind Joe pointing at them both. "I told you they are both sick in the head!"
Martha released herself from Karen's grasp slowly, they were so engrossed that they never heard them come in. Both of them never responded and held each other protectively.
" I won't let you have her!" Joe stormed up to separate them like a bull seeing red. He grabbed Karen's wrist forcefully and attempted to pull her away. Martha ran up ahead of Joe to try and intercept him.
"Joe you are hurting me, let me go!" Karen cried.
Joe released his grip from Karen when he heard her. " Sorry Karen..I .."
"Joe what are you here for?" Karen snapped holding her injured wrist.
"For you of course...I love you.."
"Funny way of showing it" Martha chimed in
"Karen..did she...did she make you do this?" He pointed at Martha.
"Do what?"
"Kiss...her" Joe responded reluctantly as if he was going to be sick.
" I didn't make her do anything she didn't want to do" Martha refuted coyly
"Please...stop the bickering.." Karen turned her back to both Joe and Martha and wiped a few tears quickly from her eyes.
"I think I'll be going downstairs to rest my head, I don't think I can handle this. " Lily uttered and made her way to the staircase.
"Can I be alone with you Karen, for just a minute? I need to tell you something"
"I'm not going anywhere Joe" Karen replied despairingly and looked at Martha to signal her to leave.
Martha sighed and retreated to the hallway. Aunt Lily slinked out of the shadows and looked disdainfully at her.
"You shame me Martha" Lily's voice cracked.
Silence filled the air as Martha tried to glance through the crack of the door to see what Joe and Karen were speaking about.
"Will you stop it Martha! Karen is going back to Joe, you need to stop this obsession, infact you need help.
"Help..?" Martha laughed hysterically and turned towards her aunt.
"Please, Martha it is for your own good! I already spoke to Dr. Cardi-"
Lily stopped as soon as she realised it was falling on deaf ears as the laughter echoed throughout the hallway penetrating her to the very core.