She sat staring out the rain streaked window, feeling old. This day fit her
emotions perfectly, damp dreary and without hope. Everything was gone,
her hopes, her dreams, her life possibly - She sat waiting for death, that
seemed the only release from her aching heart. With the diagnosis of
leukemia, she had been handed a possible death sentence. She knew they had
come a long way since first diagnosing leukemia, but there was always that
chance. She had to pray and have hope, that's what they would all say.
She would but, had anything ever gone right in her life, all the things she
had prayed for hadn't come true. As she reflected on her life what little
there was to it, she tried to think of positive things. She had friends,
true friends, and a mother and step father who loved her. She believed
Nancy really did love her; she had no doubts about Craig's love. She had
forgiven Nancy, being young is a turmoil in itself, and then to be
pregnant, and have your parents not support you, it had to be hard. She
was glad that Nancy had the spunk now, albeit learned. She wouldn't let
anyone or anything hurt her child now.
And then there was Brady. How was she ever going to tell Brady? She couldn't do this to him; he lost his mother to cancer. Going through this with her could bring up feelings he was unable to deal with. Guilt feelings that because of him she wouldn't have the treatments. . She couldn't do that to him. Then it dawned on her, aren't I being selfish? Thinking my sickness would affect him. What am I to him? A friend? I think he is more to me than I am to him. He has been a dear friend and for that I am grateful, but he's a man and I'm just on the brink of adulthood. I just don't know for sure where I stand with him. He's no Philip. Who when I told him I was sick, possibly really sick, saw it as an inconvenience to him. He just smiled said he was sorry, and asked if it would hinder graduation, asked if it would mean we wouldn't be going to New York? That he had already told Columbia he was coming and he could change HIS plans. God what a selfish spoiled brat he is. But I know Brady would stand beside me like always but I just can't do that to him. I will have to keep this to myself. I'm good at hiding my feelings; I learned to growing up in foster care, it was just safer that way.
She continued to stare out the window, the day growing into evening. Nancy and Craig had been up to check on her. She had refused dinner, saying she would eat later; she needed a little more time. They patted her shoulder and went downstairs. She could hear that they were talking but not the words. Just as well, she had her own demons to deal with.
Then it hit her she couldn't hide this from Brady, it would be impossible to keep Nancy quiet, she already has that look, and Brady is smart he wouldn't miss 'The Look'. He would see right through her. I'm going to have to tell him. "Tomorrow" she said as she sat there staring out the window feeling sorry for herself. Feeling entitled, just for today; tomorrow she would put on her brave face and plunge into the world of cancer patients. Maybe having Brady knowing won't be too bad, he's always good for a laugh, isn't that what he told me that day at the park. Before the snowball fight, before the movie? Before I knew I loved him. Yes, I knew it that night of the movie and in my awkward way I tried to tell him but it came out stiff and unnatural. Then that fiasco with Philip, it was really over that night, I just tried to hang on to the past, but you can't go home again. And after his polite dismissal of her illness, it was truly over. It had been for a long time she had been slowly backing away, moving towards the decision to pursue Brady, see if he could feel for her what she felt for him. Now when I finally decide to let Brady in and let things happen, I get told, 'oh no not yet, you aren't meant to have the perfect life, you have to suffer some more, you haven't learned you lesson yet. God, am I such a horrible person that this has to be visited on me? You won't give me more than I can handle?' "That's bullshit!" She said aloud.
"What's bullshit Chloe?" Brady said. Scaring the hell out of her, she hadn't heard the doorbell ring.
"Nothing" she said.
"Why are you sitting in the dark, let me turn on a light." Brady said.
"No"; she spoke "please don't, I want to sit in the dark. What are you doing here?" she said with a curt tone which surprised him.
"Well, Diva, I knew you weren't feeling well and I had hoped that maybe I could lift you out of your doldrums. But I'll go and you call me if you want to talk. And then you can tell me what is 'bullshit'." He turned to leave but turned back around to say goodbye and he saw her shoulders slumped and shaking, she was crying. He walked over to where she sat and placed his hands on her upper arms, lifting her to a standing position, turning her around; he could see even in the darkened room, she had been crying for a long time. "What's this all about? Why the tears?" He wrapped his arms around her and she let him embrace her, trying to pull strength from him. How was she going to tell him? She sobbed quietly but with out reserve. He rubbed her back and whispered calming words to her.
"Chloe, did Philip do something to you?" She shook her head wiping her nose with her hand.
"If only it was him. I could handle that, been there done that. Brady, I don't think I can do this now, but I need to discuss something with you, I just don't know how to."
"It can't be that bad, we've always been able to tell each other everything, just take your time. I'm always here for you, you know that." He said, continuing to will his love through him to her, to take away her hurt. He felt he was failing miserably.
She started to sob again, but continued. "You know I haven't felt well, and that day you carried me to the hospital, well Craig ran some blood tests, and.." She took a deep breath; brushing the tears from her face turning it up to Brady's meeting his eyes for the first time since he had arrived. Seeing the care and concern in his warm eyes, she took a sharp breath, trying to get the words out, she started to waiver, and he put his arms around her and sat her on the bed.
Looking intently at her it hit him what she was about to say.
"Oh God, no." sinking to the floor beside her He knelt in front of her taking her hands in his shaking ones, "please tell me it's not cancer."
"Oh Brady." She took his face in her hands and just looked at him willing his pain to go away, she had wanted to be stronger when she told him, she was vulnerable now and afraid of saying the wrong things. Admitting too much.
"Oh, my love, no, we can't have this." Brady's soft words calmed her, his love? Was he just being kind? No she could see it in his eyes, feel it through his hands.
"Brady, I start treatments tomorrow, Craig feels it was caught early and there's always hope", she instant switched from feeling sorry to actually hoping she would survive. This man kneeling in front of her loved her, just like she love him.
"May I go with you" he asked pleading with his eyes.
"You want to? Why Brady, it's just chemo, I'll have to sit for a couple hours and then come home, it would be boring for you. I can't ask that of you."
"You didn't ask, I want to I really want to. I'll hold your hand; I will read to you or sing for you or what ever you want."
"Brady are you sure, I would love to have your company but do you think it's a good idea; won't this be hard for you?"
Appreciating her thoughtfulness, he knew he had to tell her what she truly meant to him. "It will be hard, if I can't be there with you, for you. You are my friend and I want to help."
"Is that what we are Brady, just friends? Is that all? Because what I feel for you, doesn't feel like what I feel for Belle or Shawn."
Taken back by her admission that she felt more for him than friendship, he took a chance. A chance he might never get again. He felt his Mom urging him on, a peacefulness washed over him.
"Mere words can't explain what I feel for you but is this the right time Chloe; do you want to hear it now?"
"Yes. I need to hear it now."
"Diva, I love you more than sunshine, more than moonshine, more than the water that quenches my thirst. I love you. You, not your hair, your eyes, your gorgeous body, that's just a perk." Winking at her, making her heart flip-flop. "I love the real you, and the real me, wants more than friendship. I have been afraid to tell you. But, you have shown me I don't need to be afraid anymore. What you are facing, I will face too, because I want a life with you. What ever is meant to be, a year, a month a lifetime? If death takes you I want to be there to help you." Taking her hand in his he led her to the window, taking a moment to collect himself. Turning to her he continue through his tears, "But more than anything I want you to live and I will be there with you in your corner always. Without fail, through your treatments, through the sickness. Through the hair loss, all of it, I'll hold you and stay with you. We will beat this, I will make you." He was openly crying still holding her, his tears dropping onto their hands, mixing with hers.
Chloe took a deep breath, a cleansing, soul calming breath, and said, "Brady, I knew the night of the movie that I loved you, I tried to tell you but it was awkward. Then you saved me from those men and I just wanted you to hold me forever. But then Philip came back around and I didn't want to let go of the past, I wasn't sure of a future with you. I felt that you were happy just being my friend and I was happy with that too, so I let Philip back in. I shouldn't have, the liar, he just couldn't come clean. He would sell his soul to the devil to convince me of his love, but in the end his true colors shown through. He only sees the hair, eyes and body. He's shallow, you on the other hand are a deep river, you see my soul, the real me. Remember that day you said someone would know me and love what he knows. I'm glad its you who knows me. I love you and I will fight this for you and your mother. I feel her here right now looking out for us. I dreaded telling you and even entertained the idea of not telling you. I didn't want to break your heart. But together we will do what we can. We will be strong and fight this, because I'm not going to go anywhere if the great ego that is Brady Black loves me. I wouldn't dare.
And then there was Brady. How was she ever going to tell Brady? She couldn't do this to him; he lost his mother to cancer. Going through this with her could bring up feelings he was unable to deal with. Guilt feelings that because of him she wouldn't have the treatments. . She couldn't do that to him. Then it dawned on her, aren't I being selfish? Thinking my sickness would affect him. What am I to him? A friend? I think he is more to me than I am to him. He has been a dear friend and for that I am grateful, but he's a man and I'm just on the brink of adulthood. I just don't know for sure where I stand with him. He's no Philip. Who when I told him I was sick, possibly really sick, saw it as an inconvenience to him. He just smiled said he was sorry, and asked if it would hinder graduation, asked if it would mean we wouldn't be going to New York? That he had already told Columbia he was coming and he could change HIS plans. God what a selfish spoiled brat he is. But I know Brady would stand beside me like always but I just can't do that to him. I will have to keep this to myself. I'm good at hiding my feelings; I learned to growing up in foster care, it was just safer that way.
She continued to stare out the window, the day growing into evening. Nancy and Craig had been up to check on her. She had refused dinner, saying she would eat later; she needed a little more time. They patted her shoulder and went downstairs. She could hear that they were talking but not the words. Just as well, she had her own demons to deal with.
Then it hit her she couldn't hide this from Brady, it would be impossible to keep Nancy quiet, she already has that look, and Brady is smart he wouldn't miss 'The Look'. He would see right through her. I'm going to have to tell him. "Tomorrow" she said as she sat there staring out the window feeling sorry for herself. Feeling entitled, just for today; tomorrow she would put on her brave face and plunge into the world of cancer patients. Maybe having Brady knowing won't be too bad, he's always good for a laugh, isn't that what he told me that day at the park. Before the snowball fight, before the movie? Before I knew I loved him. Yes, I knew it that night of the movie and in my awkward way I tried to tell him but it came out stiff and unnatural. Then that fiasco with Philip, it was really over that night, I just tried to hang on to the past, but you can't go home again. And after his polite dismissal of her illness, it was truly over. It had been for a long time she had been slowly backing away, moving towards the decision to pursue Brady, see if he could feel for her what she felt for him. Now when I finally decide to let Brady in and let things happen, I get told, 'oh no not yet, you aren't meant to have the perfect life, you have to suffer some more, you haven't learned you lesson yet. God, am I such a horrible person that this has to be visited on me? You won't give me more than I can handle?' "That's bullshit!" She said aloud.
"What's bullshit Chloe?" Brady said. Scaring the hell out of her, she hadn't heard the doorbell ring.
"Nothing" she said.
"Why are you sitting in the dark, let me turn on a light." Brady said.
"No"; she spoke "please don't, I want to sit in the dark. What are you doing here?" she said with a curt tone which surprised him.
"Well, Diva, I knew you weren't feeling well and I had hoped that maybe I could lift you out of your doldrums. But I'll go and you call me if you want to talk. And then you can tell me what is 'bullshit'." He turned to leave but turned back around to say goodbye and he saw her shoulders slumped and shaking, she was crying. He walked over to where she sat and placed his hands on her upper arms, lifting her to a standing position, turning her around; he could see even in the darkened room, she had been crying for a long time. "What's this all about? Why the tears?" He wrapped his arms around her and she let him embrace her, trying to pull strength from him. How was she going to tell him? She sobbed quietly but with out reserve. He rubbed her back and whispered calming words to her.
"Chloe, did Philip do something to you?" She shook her head wiping her nose with her hand.
"If only it was him. I could handle that, been there done that. Brady, I don't think I can do this now, but I need to discuss something with you, I just don't know how to."
"It can't be that bad, we've always been able to tell each other everything, just take your time. I'm always here for you, you know that." He said, continuing to will his love through him to her, to take away her hurt. He felt he was failing miserably.
She started to sob again, but continued. "You know I haven't felt well, and that day you carried me to the hospital, well Craig ran some blood tests, and.." She took a deep breath; brushing the tears from her face turning it up to Brady's meeting his eyes for the first time since he had arrived. Seeing the care and concern in his warm eyes, she took a sharp breath, trying to get the words out, she started to waiver, and he put his arms around her and sat her on the bed.
Looking intently at her it hit him what she was about to say.
"Oh God, no." sinking to the floor beside her He knelt in front of her taking her hands in his shaking ones, "please tell me it's not cancer."
"Oh Brady." She took his face in her hands and just looked at him willing his pain to go away, she had wanted to be stronger when she told him, she was vulnerable now and afraid of saying the wrong things. Admitting too much.
"Oh, my love, no, we can't have this." Brady's soft words calmed her, his love? Was he just being kind? No she could see it in his eyes, feel it through his hands.
"Brady, I start treatments tomorrow, Craig feels it was caught early and there's always hope", she instant switched from feeling sorry to actually hoping she would survive. This man kneeling in front of her loved her, just like she love him.
"May I go with you" he asked pleading with his eyes.
"You want to? Why Brady, it's just chemo, I'll have to sit for a couple hours and then come home, it would be boring for you. I can't ask that of you."
"You didn't ask, I want to I really want to. I'll hold your hand; I will read to you or sing for you or what ever you want."
"Brady are you sure, I would love to have your company but do you think it's a good idea; won't this be hard for you?"
Appreciating her thoughtfulness, he knew he had to tell her what she truly meant to him. "It will be hard, if I can't be there with you, for you. You are my friend and I want to help."
"Is that what we are Brady, just friends? Is that all? Because what I feel for you, doesn't feel like what I feel for Belle or Shawn."
Taken back by her admission that she felt more for him than friendship, he took a chance. A chance he might never get again. He felt his Mom urging him on, a peacefulness washed over him.
"Mere words can't explain what I feel for you but is this the right time Chloe; do you want to hear it now?"
"Yes. I need to hear it now."
"Diva, I love you more than sunshine, more than moonshine, more than the water that quenches my thirst. I love you. You, not your hair, your eyes, your gorgeous body, that's just a perk." Winking at her, making her heart flip-flop. "I love the real you, and the real me, wants more than friendship. I have been afraid to tell you. But, you have shown me I don't need to be afraid anymore. What you are facing, I will face too, because I want a life with you. What ever is meant to be, a year, a month a lifetime? If death takes you I want to be there to help you." Taking her hand in his he led her to the window, taking a moment to collect himself. Turning to her he continue through his tears, "But more than anything I want you to live and I will be there with you in your corner always. Without fail, through your treatments, through the sickness. Through the hair loss, all of it, I'll hold you and stay with you. We will beat this, I will make you." He was openly crying still holding her, his tears dropping onto their hands, mixing with hers.
Chloe took a deep breath, a cleansing, soul calming breath, and said, "Brady, I knew the night of the movie that I loved you, I tried to tell you but it was awkward. Then you saved me from those men and I just wanted you to hold me forever. But then Philip came back around and I didn't want to let go of the past, I wasn't sure of a future with you. I felt that you were happy just being my friend and I was happy with that too, so I let Philip back in. I shouldn't have, the liar, he just couldn't come clean. He would sell his soul to the devil to convince me of his love, but in the end his true colors shown through. He only sees the hair, eyes and body. He's shallow, you on the other hand are a deep river, you see my soul, the real me. Remember that day you said someone would know me and love what he knows. I'm glad its you who knows me. I love you and I will fight this for you and your mother. I feel her here right now looking out for us. I dreaded telling you and even entertained the idea of not telling you. I didn't want to break your heart. But together we will do what we can. We will be strong and fight this, because I'm not going to go anywhere if the great ego that is Brady Black loves me. I wouldn't dare.