Notice: This is the third arc of my Super Smash Brothers: Bedwetters Cabin series. You don't have to read the first 2 arcs for this one to make sense but check them out if you're interested. Go to my profile and find Bedwetters Cabin for the first arc and The Problem With the Milk Taunt for the second.

o-o-o

There was a party tonight in the regal hall to celebrate the first month of Ultimate and not everyone was invited. The resident monarchs of Smash Manor were all invited, of course. This meant everyone from Fire Emblem, most of the fighters from Legend of Zelda, the various kings and queens, and a certain Goddess of Light whom passed off her invitation to the captain of her royal guard, Pit. Dark Pit, with nothing better to do, decided to join his counterpart to the party.

It was not his scene.

He stood in a circle next to Pit as his lighter-shaded friend discussed the meaning of chivalry and duty with the likes of Marth, Link, Ike, and Roy. Supremely bored by the conversation, he stole glances around the room to see what the other fighters were doing to entertain themselves only to find that the rest of them were involved in just as boring courtly and proper discussions. The only ones who looked like they were having any fun were King Koopa and King K. Rool, who were competing in a drinking contest near the bar, which was tended by R.O.B.

He didn't want to get involved with the giant reptiles but he thought a little liquor might liven things up a little. "Hey Pit," he said gently.

Pit didn't seem to hear him, instead he listened intently as Marth talked about the 7 Holy Virtues.

Dark Pit tried again. "Pit," he said, a little louder.

"Just a second," Pit said.

Dark Pit waited for a more appropriate break in the conversation but after a minute he became impatient. "Pit, did you see they have the robot serving drinks? Do you wanna go-"

Pit cut him off. "Sure, whatever. I really want to hear this," he said curtly as Marth explained what temperance was and how essential it was for virtue and knighthood.

"Fine!" Dark Pit cut in loudly, finally getting the attention of the rest of the group who had barely even noticed he was there. "I'd hate to interrupt his heinous and his royal jesters."

Dark Pit stormed off and took a seat at the bar, where he tried to sit as far away from the increasingly reckless lizard kings as he could. "One old fashioned," he called to R.O.B. He didn't actually know what an old fashioned was, he just wanted to watch the robot make a drink. Instead R.O.B. merely pointed to a sign on the wall.

Dark Pit stared blankly at the sign then, when R.O.B. didn't begin making his drink, he tried again. "Okay, how about a pina colada?"

R.O.B. just kept pointing to the sign.

Dark Pit was getting annoyed. "Look, I can't read the sign over here, are you going to make me a drink or not?" he said, his tone getting more impatient.

R.O.B. simply rotated his head back and forth.

"You stupid machine!" Dark Pit threatened, pushing himself off the stool and preparing to leap over the counter to attack. Just then he felt a strong hand lay itself on his shoulder.

"Having some problems, my young friend?"

Dark Pit turned to see the deep voice was coming from Ganondorf.

"I'll take two pina coladas, robot," the Demon King commanded. R.O.B. dutifully began mixing the drinks as Dark Pit watched, amused by the novelty of a robot bartender.

"Thanks. I don't know what his problem is," Dark Pit said to Ganondorf, still mad about being ignored by R.O.B.

"His problem is that he lacks free will. He knows what to do when a minor asks for alcohol but he lacks the will to deny me what I want," Ganondorf said. Dark Pit finally realized that the sign R.O.B. was pointing to must have said something to the effect of "No minors."

"It's not a problem exclusive to machines, mind you. Most simpletons lack the will to deny me, The Demon King," Ganondorf continued.

R.O.B. sat the drinks down in front of Ganondorf, who slid one to Dark Pit. "Drink with me, boy. These social obligations become so tedious."

"Tell me about it," Dark Pit said, grabbing his drink. "I only have one fr...er...acquaintance in Smash Manor and he's over there spending his precious free time learning the 7 holy virtues and how to be a good little soldier." Dark Pit glared at Pit, then took a sip from his straw. "Wow, this is good!"

"Why would anyone want to be a soldier when you could instead be a ruler?" Ganondorf said, observing his new friend. "That reminds me, though, are you familiar with the 7 deadly sins?"

Dark Pit happily sucked down his drink as he shook his head no.

"Well drink your fill and I'll tell you all about them."

o-o-o-o

Five drinks later, it was clear Dark Pit really seemed attached to the sins of gluttony and envy.

"They treat me like I'm half of him!" he said, slurring his words and glaring at Pit, who had moved to talking with Princess Peach and Zelda. "I'm all of him and stronger!"

Ganondorf, who still hadn't touched his drink, conversed methodically. "That may be true, but you'll never be at your full strength so long as you rely on those pety goddesses of yours," he said. "An angel is the perfect vessel for godly power. Imagine what you could do if you took your power from a true goddess."

Only some of Ganondorf's words were comprehended by the intoxicated child. "Yeah, we don't need goddesses! If only Pit could realize they need us more than we need them…"

"Perhaps he just needs a little convincing?" Ganondorf offered.

"You're right!" Dark Pit said, standing up from the bar and nearly falling forward. He grabbed the stool to balance himself before taking the pina colada in hand and walking toward Pit. "Thanks for the drinks."

"Always happy to help a friend," Ganondorf said as he watched the boy walk off.

When Dark Pit approached Pit he was still bantering with Zelda and Peach. Pit always had a way with older ladies. Dark Pit grabbed him by the shoulder, causing Pit to spin to look at him.

"Oh hey Pittoo, I thought you went home. What's up?" Pit asked, not world-weary enough to see just how drunk Dark Pit was at the moment.

"Like it or not I'm still here!" Dark Pit spat at him, annoyed that he'd been ignored since they arrived. "I've just been drinking these all night…"

Pit looked at the drink. "What, no way?! Nobody told me they were serving milkshakes, can I have some!" Pit asked, always craving junk food.

Dark Pit grinned as he handed the drink to Pit, who started sucking it down.

"Mmmmm, that's so good!" Pit beamed. "What flavor is it?

"It's mostly coconut," Dark Pit answered, purposefully leaving out that it had liquor. "Go ahead and finish it."

Pit happily slurped down the rest of the glass. "Aaahhh, brainfreeze!" he said, putting his hand to his head to dull the pain. Once he recovered he looked up to see Dark Pit giggling at him.

"Don't laugh, it really hurts!"

"I didn't take you for such a rum fan," Dark Pit said, smirking.

"Rum fan…" Pit said to himself. "Wait, this had rum?!" he exclaimed. He thought back to his conversation with Marth, who had explained that temperance and sobriety were essential to serving as a knight.

As Pit got angry all Dark Pit could do was laugh.

"You jerk!" Pit said, pushing the empty glass into Dark Pit's hand and backing away. "I-I-I need to go throw up! Or drink some coffee! What if Palutena calls and I show up drunk?! She'll kick me to the curb!"

Dark Pit was still sloppily laughing. "Relax man, screw Palutena!"

"Don't you dare talk about Lady Palutena like that!" Pit shot at him.

"And what are you gonna do about it?!" Dark Pit shot back, straightening up and shoving his finger into Pit's chest.

"I don't have time for this! I need to go sober up!" Pit said nervously, turning away and hurrying toward the exit.

Dark Pit laughed to himself then looked around to see they'd made a bit of a scene. Everyone was staring at Dark Pit disapprovingly.

"I don't need him and I sure as hell don't need any of you!" he announced to the onlookers. Clearly unwelcome here without Pit; he walked toward the door, drunkenly stumbling on his own feet.