It's not every day that the Doctor meets someone who calls him on his bullshit...at first glance.

01

Hadn't Expected That

Texas

She sighed when she saw which one she seemed be stuck with, but set a pair of lounge chairs down, handed him one and unfolded the other for herself before carefully easing down on it beside him at an outdoor concert in Houston, Texas anyway. He watched the painful movements with a frown, put out a hand to help her seat her self safely when she nearly fell, then pulled out his sonic and scanned her, his frown deepening into concern as he examined the results. No wonder she looked like she was in pain. She was, quite a bit of it, in fact, from the look of the scans.

"How'd you get this badly off?"

"Did you check for fire ants and red pissants before you sat down? Get up and use the lounge chair, gets your butt off the ground and you are tons less likely to get ant bit that way." She asked him, not choosing to answer the question yet. She was scattering fireant pellets and ant-traps...lots of them.

"Yep." He popped the 'p' loudly, but used the chair...it was a good precaution. "Those little things are dangerous." He didn't mind her not answering, not with a concern like that. "Not sure but what the little ones are worse than the big ones." He muttered scanning the pellets with the sonic...along with a raised eyebrow at the results, wincing at the memory of several bites. He appreciated her caution.

"Good." She hesitated on the placement of the last trap, then glanced at him, let him take it from her and put it in a spot she'd missed. "The little ones are called red pissants and they're worse. Harder to see, meaner, faster, more aggressive, more of them, can get in your ears and nose...other bodily openings fast...eat you from the inside out. American Indians once used them as a particularly painful form of execution...staked out naked criminals over a nest and poured honey over them as an incentive for the ants...as if they need any incentives." She paused to shudder. "They're called pissants cuz fresh urine is the fastest fix for bad stings...like if they swarm up your leg or something. Just pee on yourself...works for most humans. Just be glad they're not much bigger...I can think of one set of folks in particular they'd give a good account of themselves against. No, on second though, make that two set of folks...we had some of those cyber-idiots a few years back...showed up when the queens were mating. Turns out Cybermen make good nests, apparently cyber-technology is no match for common pissants...not that anything organic in there lasted long...and once the brain eaten, well..."

"Ew." He made a face. 'Gross. On all counts."

"Yeah." She sounded rather down in the dumps. "And that's not even counting what happens if you step on or sit down on a nest. Worse than yellow-jacket wasps"

"Ow. That sounds painful."

"It can be. Worse than those underground living brown hornets, too."

"Is something wrong? Other than your bones, I mean. Those are a mess, by the way, far softer than they should be."

"Not surprised you noticed. I'm trying to find excuses to not have a discussion with you that I really don't want to have and know I have to...but I don't know how to say this, um, nicely." She told him vaguely. "I ain't the sort to sugar coat things. Blunt, that's me. Don't want to hurt you though, been through too much in too short a period, got to be said, though, no way around it. It would be highly irresponsible on my part if I didn't, and frankly someone needs to say something." She finally looked at him, taking in the tiredness on his face, noted the widened eyes and the way his body slouched. "You're exhausted, makes this a poor choice in scheduling for it but I just don't have the leisure to put it off much longer and hope you'll self-correct."

"Yeah, a bit." He watched the woman closely as she blew out a breath, he got the feeling she knew exactly who he was. "Tell me what?"

"This should clue you in really fast: I ain't from around here.This is not the reality I went to bed in last night. You're not real there, Doctor. I prefer it here, so I'm glad it's a late life you but, honestly, that whole not thinking thing scares me. Seriously, did you really have to turn that particular oxymoron into a fact? I guess you're okay in this body, not my favorite...not by a long shot, but you'll do, I suppose. You're what's available, so...I guess I don't have much choice. It's just that this you is the only you that I know of that's seems to be allergic to actually using that honking big brain and that makes me nervous. No, it terrifies me because I've got to allow for a little factor I'm going to call The Doctor's Average Luck...and I like you, this you and most yous, but...we gotta get this you thinking...regularly, yes?"

"Yeah." It was his turn to sigh. "Got to figure that in. Which oxymoron?"

"Stupid Time Lord. Has it occurred to you to allow past selves to help? Allow those skill-sets to the surface to handle stuff this set can't? Hells man, thought that was the point of all the lives, to increase ability, not just trade them off."

He gave her an incredulous look.

"What? It's obvious, isn't it? Nevermind First, if we got little Second, so forgiving that one, found excuses for nearly anyone for almost anything...up for a chat and I explained a few things about this you to that you, what do you think that you would have to say to yourself about it, hmmm?"

He flinched.

"Thought so."

"Erm, yeah, rather. Should've been obvious and yeah, Second would not be happy, anyway, I'll have chat with myself, several selves...later. So, I'm not real there." He repeated, eyeing her, not really enjoying her assessment of his brain activity, but not arguing with it, either. She had a point and she seemed very disappointed in him. He sighed, all she really wanted was for him to use his head. And really, he should be, he knew that. Should have never stopped and he figured that's where her disappointment was coming from.

"No."

"But you know about me?"

"Yeah, me and several tens of millions of other Earth humans called the Doctor Who fanbase. Unfortunately for you, you're stuck with a middle-aged, granny style fan-girl."

"A fan-girl...oh no...that sounds like telly."

"Oh yeah." She blew a raspberry at him for his disgusted expression.

"Fiction, then. I'm fictional, where you are from."

"So, can you really lock up things you shouldn't know yet?"

"Yeah, I can."

"Good, since I will use that...probably a lot. For instance, I can honestly say I hoping for the First one from the second lifecycle. You get reset, y'know."

"Reset?"

"The Eye controlled that. No Eye, nothing stopping you. See what I mean about the 'not thinking' thing? Any particular reason that a human should have had to point that out to you?"

"Ah. No. No excuses on something that obvious." He breathed, flushed and clearly embarrassed. "So..."

"So, you've been in a blind panic for what?" She groused. "Done 27 Planets yet? Or crashed your version of the TARDIS into Five's yet?"

"No. Not either. Just said good bye to..."

"Ah, yeah. I wondered if it'd be the Supernova or the Beach: Supernova it is and that's good, really. First, we don't actually need Donna for this since I know what happened. And second, it means we can fill in the plot-holes. Oh, yeah, third...I know how you can get Rose back...but it needs a baby self helping." She told him, watching his eyes go wide. "One of the babies who can still traverse between realities and universes...duh? You still get to do the logistics, though. Now, before I point out the obvious, again and tell you what needs doing for the Rose Retrieval Program, listen up, you go get Jack and the pair of you need to deal with this little incursion." And then she told him about the Rancross and what their plans were, where they were and what they were doing."

She went silent for a few moments and let that bit sink in while she dug into her softpack snack-pack, dug out enough apple-juice and fresh fruit for both of them. When he nodded, she handed him a banana and some juice, then opened a container of applesauce as she continued.

"Moving right along, the guy currently ahead in the polls for Prime Minister in England is the Master...might want to nip that in the bud before it goes on too much longer, let's see what else, oh, yeah, you need to take your spare hand away from Jack...not sure...no, sorry, that's a lie since I know to a fair certainty what he's doing with it, come on, this is Harkness we're talking about, after all. I just really don't want to think about it if I can help it. Thing is, I thought maybe that was a bad thing?

"Yeah, that's a bad thing being this is Jack we're discussing, he's probably using my hand to...oh, gross...ew." He pulled a face. "That would be bad enough without The Master's involvement."

"Yeah. Very 'ew'. I wonder if the replacement hand can feel it when he does things to the original?" She asked, grinning broadly at his revolted expression. "Better not let Jack see you with your tongue out that far."

"Oh, you just, ugh...just had to put that mental image in my mind didn't you...bleh!"

"What else, oh...yeah...the Alter-verse Torchwood over there, is involved in something ambitious and Rose is in it to her eyebrows. Now, over there in the alter-verse, the other Torchwood has got these little gizmos that can take a single passenger and punch a pinhole right through the void and the wall. Guess who's doing the punching?"

"Oh. She would, wouldn't she?"

"She's gotten it into her head that she's got to find this you...so you need tell your TARDIS to have the younger yous watch for her and snag her up and let you do the work, instead of punching hundreds of little pinholes in the universal fabric...because she's that determined to get back to this you. Only she keeps missing and finding your younger selves..."

"It could kill her." There was distinct horror in his tone and his eyes.

"Yeah, she knows that, the thing is she doesn't care, if there is the slightest chance she can find you, this you, she's going to give it everything she has. Now, before Jack does something really stupid and ends up with a metacrisis or something, with that hand, I best tell you that she doesn't want a copy, she wants you, Time Lord, not whatever that hand could be...that's why I want to delay your introduction to Donna. Rose'd rather be dead than not be with you, losing you hurts her that much. She just wants to come home, to her that means the TARDIS and you mean far more to Rose than Jackie ever will. Jackie knows it, too. Rose has made it very, very clear to her mother that if she can find the right universe, she'll dump the hopper let it get dragged back without her."

"That's harsh on Jackie."

"Believe it or not, Rose is actually safer with you than with her mother. Jackie had a parade of less than savory men through her bed all the years she raised Rose, and apparently, so did the alter-verse's Jackie...and some of those lovers have had their collective asses handed to them by Rose over the time she's been there...but she shouldn't have to continuously fight off unwanted men. What you have got to get into that vast brain of your's, is that last you was the very first responsible adult male Rose had ever known...and Jack was the second, she saw him as a big brother. See? She loves you, seriously. You had her from 'run'. The incident with the reapers...that's when she found out that she could live with losing her parents but you meant more, were more important to her. Watching you get ate nearly drove her insane...the memory of it is what drove her to open the console to start with."

"Oh." He paused, wonder on his face. "I...didn't realize."

"Idiotic male, she's loves you, she is seriously, deeply in love with you. When a human female falls in love, you get more than her heart, cuz her mind and spirit are also given. It's not a gift you can return because it's already bound up in your own, to her, she's no longer a separate individual because everything that makes Rose 'Rose' is bound up and invested in you, so you need to take good care of what she has given you. I thought you got a demonstration of what 'committed' means when Rose spells that word? She takes promises seriously. And I think that in order to survive that thing in her head long enough to get back in time to do you any good, your ship probably altered her...did a Margaret thing with Rose's full approval. She's very probably not aging. And Rose will do whatever she thinks she must do if it means successfully getting back to you. No matter the cost to her, she will pay it without even thinking about it, just set her heels, grit her teeth and move forward, onward, closer to you, back to her life, her Doctor...her man."

"What?"

"You didn't check, did you? After all that, any prior self would have had her in the medbay checking her out right down the genome, but not this you. What's up with that?" She watched him pale. "So, you have me to babysit and take that literally...and trust me on this, I'm not a runner. At all...can't, not with legs that have this much wrong with them. I'm more of a sitter than a runner, and in not too much more time, crawl will be my best form of locomotion. So, tag Fifth, because with the excessively gentle ways you had in that form you will reassure her, she'd be able to set Tegan back on her heels and you'll have some backup that's trained already. You should be able to locate her quickly and Rose won't mind if the TARDIS just materializes around her, picks her up and carries her off. This you knows that, so lie to Five and tell him that's what you remember that you doing."

"Yeah, Rose won't mind." He smiled a bit. "Tegan had a fit the one time I did it to her." He laughed.

"Yeah, 'bout that...I don't think I'd advise her to do that in Rose's presence. She doesn't often do a 'Jackie' on someone, but when she does...you don't really want it to be you, y'know? Especially since two versions of you taught her to fight. Anyway, have Five do the med work and that way the results should be in this version's memory banks immediately, idiot. As I said, did you have to make a fact out of that particular oxymoron? Simple to get Rose back during the crash, Five's way too early for her anyway."

"Yeah, I can do that. That doesn't break the rules...much."

"Or at all since all Five will be doing is retrieving a person from the wrong space, the wrong time and putting her back where and when she belongs. Now, get me up off this ground and let's go get my trailer. It can't stay here."

"True. Very true." He hauled himself to his feet and then got her up, frowning at the painful way she moved as he folded up the lightweight loungers and carried them on one hand while reaching for her elbow with the other, steadying her..

"Don't expect much from me in the way of things requiring mobility." She stared pensively at her feet. "Haven't seen much of that in the last few years. Seems to be departing at a good rate. Yeah, I know what's up with it, but you have enough on your plate just now and it's something the TARDIS can handle on her own for the most part, she'll let you know when someone with thumbs is needed. It'll make itself obvious shortly can feel the progression and it's going along at a good clip. It's not that big of a deal, fairly normal for me, in fact. I've had to do it a few times. Let's be clear, I'm human...just a bit more. I don't know what or how I'm different, just that I am." There was a lot more she could have told him, she knew what the increasing pain, softening bones and lessening ability to move meant. She just thought it would send the Doctor screaming for the hills if he knew in advance...and she also knew he was a sucker for babies. So she didn't mention that her Reversion was close.

He could have told anyone that many species had similar processes for life-cycles, her's wasn't the same as his, but then, she didn't know what her's was. She just knew she was different...but that was why the non-thinking thing this him had going on scared her. She was stuck with him and she knew it. She just hoped he handled the whole, 'Oh dear, she's turned onto a newborn baby!' thing okay. She'd be starting over, from scratch...wouldn't be much help. Idly, she wondered if he knew how to change diapers.

Indeed, it was close. He went to check on her when she didn't appear the next morning...his ship was laughing at him...and he didn't understand why until he poked his head into the crippled woman's bedroom. Apparently, the safe environment had been the final straw and during the artificial night the TARDIS had been the sole witness to the stranger's life-end cycle. Her life energy was silvery-blue instead of fire-hued gold, but it was still similar. The ship had contained it with ease...only instead of a new appearance and personality there, there was the same person and personality, but in a newborn state...wiped clean of any information her infantile mind couldn't handle. The TARDIS located it locked away in her hind-brain, stored there until it was needed.

When the Eleventh Doctor...still claiming to be the Tenth saw the infant and got the rest of the story from his timeship, he sighed. "Knew she wasn't telling me something important." He muttered as he gathered the baby into his arms from the bed that had become a crib when the crippled older woman had reverted. She was too young now to even try to babble...she only yawned, then tested her lungs in a hungry complaint: Her lungs easily passed the test and had him scrambling frantically for a bottle.

The Doctor settled into a routine fairly fast...between ruining The Master's plans and sending him packing again and retrieving his poor, abused hand. The TARDIS destroyed it upon receipt...once he got used to changing her nappies. His superior sense of smell was taking a superior beating just now...and that would continue for a few linear years. He wrinkled his nose and told her what a stinky butt she was as he cleaned her up and disposed of the balled up diaper. Her depth perception was getting better and this time when she lunged for his hair, she got a handful...and yanked.

"Ow! Awww, come on, baby, don't pull daddy's hair...ow...let go, honey..." He coaxed and gradually got his hair loose. It wasn't long after his new guest had become an infant that he actually dropped by UNIT for a car-seat...or something like it and when they found out why there were many chuckles.

"Oi, she's not human, close, but not quite...this is what happened..." He finally explained. "She's never off the TARDIS unless it's really safe in an 'I checked the timelines first', way and the ship makes sure her door is locked if she's on childwatch...taking no chances, yeah? If I'm busy, the TARDIS tends the babe, the door stays locked and the shields are up and active. And anyway, with a new daughter to look after, I'm not as busy as usual...except that who knew an infant took up so much of your time? And let me tell you, the stuff that comes out the other end bears no resemblance to what I fed her! How can something so tiny, loving and sweet produce smells that vile?"

Every parent in UNIT bellowed in laughter at that.

"And what is it with those angelic little smiles right before she bears down on her lower abs and passes wind that could knock out an elephant with the fumes?"

"Fairly normal baby, Doctor...learning new skills."

"Ew." He made a face.

"Yeah, but she's already good at something, right?"

"Yeah...making me tremble in dread when she needs changing. Me! Not many folks can do that, make me tremble in dread, I mean."

"Yeah, we know. Don't worry about it, you're on a rather steep learning curve, like most new parents."

"Who is it that needed to have a chat with me?"

"Oh, it's okay, it's safe enough, right through those doors...you'll see the obvious at once, I think." Kate grinned as she sent him into a hanger with two older selfs parked in it, with the infant on his hip.

"I need help with coming up with a name for her. Think about it while I'm talking with...?"

"Yourself. Twice." She paused. "Elders."

"Oh."

"So maybe you better just ask yourself what you named the child?"

"Yeah. I guess so."

Twelve and Thirteen started, eyes locked on the baby. "That's an edit." Twelve told Eleven."

"I don't care, she came to this me, chewed me out, gave me the answers I needed and then reverted to infancy. On the TARDIS, no less. Ship insists I need to raise her myself."

"It's an edit, though. I don't remember this bit." Thirteen told him.

Eleven explained, then said, "Argue about it with the TARDIS...see how far you get."

"Yeah, those always cause an edit. Well, we can work around it." Twelve told him, knowing better than to argue with the ship.

"She didn't tell me what her name was. So I have to name her, mes."

"What was the rest of the edit?"

"Five's snagged Rose and will give her back when we crash." He pointed at the thumb-sucking infant on his hip. "Her idea, before she reverted to this age."

Twelve looked at Thirteen. "Well, that explains it, she's reverted on me twice, during this body so far: Always seems to leave me busy with domestic things...and a few bombshells, as a parting shot."

"Yeah, that she does. And as the first me to run across her, I had no warning. Her normal lifespan is about average for a human, but after that her bones start to go soft and then one sleep period, BOOM, Babytime. I still don't know what she is other than Human but Not."

"Nevermind that, her revision idea worked, we've both got a Rose with us. She's not aging, see. I'm going to take a wild guess and bet she's talking to herself on the video monitor. Probably about me. I guess I should go see if we have several children and another baby on board, now. Those memories are opening up." Thirteen groused.

"Yeah, they are...Sabrina Marie. Rose insisted. She didn't care for the Gallifreyan name, which she still has, by the way. You gave her that and the human name too, it's just that she won't let us call her by the other one, so we'll just leave you to it."

"Sabrina...that is pretty. Totally hides the fact our little girl has such a fart capacity right now...who'd suspect a loaded baby, after all?"

His elder-selves grimaced at the reminder of the first Diaper Days.

"Well, Rose's presence was what we had to check and that pans out. Let me take everything except the baby's name and let you get back to her next changing...I can already tell that's going to be a very full diaper. You have a respiratory bypass...engage it." Thirteen told him, and the younger self let him, as he had to.

"Yeah." Twelve grinned. "So glad I'm not you anymore nor older me, yet."

"Oh gee, thanks, Doctor."

"No problem, Doctor."

"Arsehole."

~TBC~