Fool With Dreams, a queer as folk fanfic

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

I want to thank my beta, WithinHerHeart, for editting this for me - even if it did take her weeks XD

It took a week before Brian realised how much he needed the blond twink in his life. It was a sudden realisation, just snuck up on him whilst he was unawares, and left him with an uncomfortable and nauseating feeling in the pit of his stomach. He had walked into the loft, dropping his bags on his doorstep and tugging on his tie, and was overwhelmed with the emptiness of the place. He remembered how good it had felt to come home to someone, to have that person you care for and who would care for you too waiting for your return home from work. All too easily he could imagine Justin peering out from behind the partitions, that separated the bedroom from the rest of the loft, and beaming at him, genuinely happy to see him, before asking him how his day had been. He hadn't even realised how much the twink had changed his lifestyle, changed his routine. He felt lost, abandoned and alone; vulnerable – something that was spine-chillingly familiar to him. He hated it more than anything in the world at the moment.

It took him four more days, filled with self-pity, a new car, and alcohol-induced hazes, to come up with a plan to win his lover (and yes, he would admit it…reluctantly) back from the clutches of that fucking charming violinist. Justin had said that Brian wasn't romantic enough, that he didn't ever show how much he was needed or wanted or loved – basically anything that would make him feel like he should just grow a twat. He hated all that bullshit – he honestly didn't believe you needed to show you cared about someone – but if this was his one chance of fixing what was broken, of making it up to the man he (he couldn't believe he was fucking thinking it) loved, then he was damn well going to fucking take it.

He just hoped it wasn't all for nothing.

Anyone who knew Brian Kinney was well-aware he couldn't do anything simply. It always has to be something extravagant or dramatic, and that wasn't going to change. If he wanted to get Justin back, he was going to have to pull out all the stops and do something he wouldn't do for anyone else. He had to show him that he was special, different from anyone else that Brian had ever had before – and that's a lot of people. Now, all he had to do was figure out how.

The first gift arrived on the following Tuesday, surprising Justin on his day off. It had been sent to the small flat by courier (who refused to say the name of the person who had hired him, much to his frustration) and he had placed it on the edge of the table so he can get a good look at it.

The teddy bear was covered in light blue fur and was soft to the touch. It's paws were sown together to appear as if it was clutching a heart cushion, with the words 'Thinking of You' embroidered onto the velvet fabric. He had never received a cuddly toy as a gift before.

Justin smiled softly as he brushed the long fur out of the bear's hazel eyes. Eyes that reminded him of Brian. He swallowed, unable to draw his own away. He almost had forgotten how intense that man's eyes were. How beautiful. He clenched his eyes shut, as if trying to suppress the memory, but found himself unable to.

Feeling mildly depressed, he missed – not for the first time since he left – the warmth and comfort of Brian's hold. God, he just missed him.

Stubbornly refusing to allow himself to dwell on the man he had left, he pulled the teddy bear to his chest and held it tightly, burying his head in the soft strands at the back of its neck and accepting the comfort it gave him. It wasn't exactly what he wanted, but it was a damn good substitute.

Vaguely, he wondered who had sent the toy in the first place. Ethan? No, it wouldn't be. They live in the same place, why would he spend money he didn't really have on having a courier bring him something as simple as a teddy bear. It just seemed pointless. Brian? He shook his head at the thought, annoyed he had brought him up again, but also because it couldn't possibly be Brian…could it? One of the reasons why he left was because he didn't feel like he was needed or loved; their relationship lacked that romance factor that he had discovered he would like to experience every once and awhile – so why would he give him a gift, something that was so cute and loving? It just wasn't like him. Although, Justin would admit, it would be purely Brian for him to do something like this once they had parted ways.

He sighed loudly, resigned and wondering.

The second gift arrived exactly two weeks later – something he did not count. Silently, he had hoped he would receive another one. The 'Thinking of You' bear had been placed in one of his unpacked boxes (just in case) after he'd spent a good three hours clutching the toy to his chest. He hadn't mentioned the toys arrival to Ethan, deciding to keep it a secret without much thought behind it. He hadn't intended to tell him if another package was sent to him, but he didn't have much of a choice on this occasion. When he'd gotten back that day, the gift was already unwrapped and lying haphazardly in the middle of the coffee table. Ethan sat in front of it, staring at it intently and silently.

He slowly walked into the room, pulling his messenger bag off his shoulder and dropping it on the floor, his eyes watching his boyfriend closely. "Uh, hey…"

"Hey…" he pointed to the toy, "You got a package today…"

"Um, did I?" Justin feigned ignorance, "It's cute. One thing though, if it was addressed to me, why did you open it?"

Ethan shrugged. "Just curious."

"You should have waited until I got here. I don't open your letters – it's called respecting people's privacy," he bit back.

Ethan stayed silent.

"Did it say who it was from?" Justin wondered, stifling a sigh of aggravation, slightly hoping there was some kind of note that would put his mind to rest.

"No, I asked. The courier refused to answer, said he wasn't allowed to 'part with that information sir'," Ethan turned to face the blond, "Do you have any idea who sent it?"

Brian…

Justin shook his head. "No idea."

As casually as he could, he lifted the toy and examined it closely. It was the same brand and make as the previous toy – in fact, it was almost identical. The same soft, blue fur that he really wanted to bury his face and inhale the familiar scent; the same ochre eyes that had the same gut-wrenching affect on him as the original. Once again, the bear's paws were sown to a velvet cushion but the phase 'Missing You' was in its place. He brushed the fur along the arm, feeling the long ends curl around his fingers, and couldn't stop the crooked smile that crossed his face.

"You should throw it out," Ethan commented.

"What?" He looked up, his eyebrows furrowed together in confusion, "No, I'm not going to put it in the rubbish. It's cute – and someone obviously went to a lot of trouble to get this to me. It would be kind of cruel to just throw it out, don't you think?"

Ethan frowned, but remained silent.

Justin stared down at the piece of paper in his hand, reciting the address over and over again in his mind. For three weeks he had waited hopeful, for the next cuddly toy to be brought by courier and for the small argument about who had hired the man to deliver it that would ultimately be fruitless. He had begun to resign to the idea that he had no more of these cute toys on the way, as Ethan had told him after about a week of waiting, when the courier had shown up once again.

As expected, the man came equipped with another parcel and a new verse of the phase 'I'm not at liberty to divulge that information sir'. Justin gave the man a small smile, running through the script in his head, and thanked him before shutting the door and turning his attention eagerly to the object in his hands. Quickly tearing off the brown paper, he observed the new addition to his collection. Just as he expected, the actual bear was identical to the ones he already had – the same soft blue fur and the eyes he loved. The paws were still sown to appear as if they were clutching something, expect this time the heart was replaced by a velvet envelope with the words 'Open Me' sown in gold thread.

With shaking hands, Justin gently peeled back the top flap of the envelope and spied a folded piece of card sitting snuggle between the two sides of velvet. He carefully unfolded the white card and stared at the strangely familiar, handwritten note. He knew that writing, but…it couldn't be - it just something that he would do.

Brian...

It was Brian's handwriting.

…He had to sit down. Dropping into one of the cushioned seats, his blue eyes showing clear disbelief as he read and re-read the little note that had been left for him: 'Woody's, Saturday 6pm – please come x'. Remaining silent, he thought deeply about what he was going to do. After all, he had a lot to think about. This is what he'd wanted, for Brian to show he cared; to be romantic and loving and, just show him what he was feeling in a way that didn't involve sex (although he did love the sex). He loved Brian, he always would as far as he was concerned, but he was with Ethan now. He couldn't just leave…even if he wanted to…which he did…

He cursed, his upper body folding downwards so he could put his face in his hands that rested upward in his lap. Shit, what am I going to do?

It had taken up until Saturday morning for him to reach a definite decision. He'd been debating it heavily for a few days, literally thinking about nothing else. He hadn't mentioned the final package to Ethan, deciding to just keep the note to himself. Besides, he needed to be able to come up with what he was going to do on his own and he knew for a fact that once he mentioned the message, Ethan would push him until he said he wouldn't go, probably just to shut him up. He needed to do this on his own; it was his own choice. After all, this was about him. And that idea would have worked, if Ethan hadn't found the third blue bear on Friday evening.

"What's this?" he had demanded to know.

"Um, the bear," Justin suggested.

"It's not 'the bear'. It's a different one," Ethan corrected frustrated, dropping the toy on the edge of the bed, "You got another gift from your 'admirer'-"he said the word with some venom, "-and you didn't tell me about it. Why?"

"I didn't think you'd care so much. It's just a kid's toy…"

"It's a kid's toy from him, and you know it! Why haven't you chucked it in the trash yet?"

"I'm not throwing away the bears – I like them, why does it matter so much to you anyway? I'm here aren't I?"

"Why does it matter to me? Because you can't be with me, and accept gifts from him! I'm your boyfriend; you're not supposed to keep gifts from other men!"

"Why not? When I was with Brian, you brought me stuff – or is that only okay when you do it?"

"It's because these are from Brian, isn't it? You know, and that's why you're keeping them?" Ethan continued, as if he hadn't heard a thing, "Because I can't live with that!"

"You're throwing this out of proportion…"

"Am I really?" he paused, his jaw tense for a moment, "I don't want you to see him anymore, Brian I mean. We're together now and he can't be there all the time; you can't be around him unless I'm there to watch you."

Justin eyes narrowed. "Excuse me?"

"Obviously you still care about him, even though he only wanted you for sex and not a real relationship, and I can't trust him around you."

"You can't trust him?" he repeated in disbelief, "In case you didn't notice, he's the one that shouldn't trust you, or me. We were together, whether it had a name on it or not, and I still fucked you. I left him for you. And you don't trust him!"

And he still wants to be with you, a voice reminded him coyly.

Shaking his head at his supposed boyfriend, he quickly moved around the small flat, roughly picking up items of clothing off the floor, and his sketch pad off the table, and stuffing it into his rucksack.

Ethan sighed, annoyed. "What are you doing?"

Justin grabbed the three toys and stuffed them in his bag as well. He wasn't sure why. He just wanted to have them with him. "I'm going to Daphne's for awhile," he answered, "It'll give us both time to think and calm down – and maybe you should rethink your idea of controlling who I can see." He'd forced a smile and slammed the door behind him, not looking back once.

He'd spent Friday night with Daphne and had found himself telling his best friend since pre-school everything that had happened: the teddy bears, his suspicions, how Ethan found out, the third gift with the message, his suspicions being confirmed and, finally, the argument with Ethan.

Justin sighed and inclined his head to the side so he could see Daphne. "What do you think I should do?"

Daphne, who was lying on the bed beside him, shifted so she was on her side and could see her friend easily. "Honestly? I think you should go."

He quirked a smile; it was no secret that Daphne had loved Brian while was less than pleased with her friend's choice on Ethan, although she didn't mention it much. "Yeah, that's what I thought you were going to say…"

"Ever since you've met Brian, you've always told me you loved him. It was a definite answer. You were so sure about your feelings for him, and they haven't gone away." Daphne explained, "If this is Brian - and I have no doubt it is - then I think you should take the risk. This is what you wanted, isn't it? For Brian to show you he cared?"

Justin nodded slightly.

"Then why are you hesitating? If I had someone as gorgeous and as good-hearted as Brian sending me gifts, and I loved him as much as you do, then there's no competition."

And, as usual, Daphne was right. That was why, now, Justin stood outside of Woody's awkwardly. It was a few minutes before six, and he was using that time to relax (which wasn't going very well). He didn't know what to expect from Brian once he stepped in there. Fuck, he didn't even know for sure it was Brian. But he had to try, because he knew he'd regret it if he didn't. He would always wonder.

He glanced at his watch once more.

It was time.

Nervously, he swallowed and took one deep, calming breath before he started up the steps into the gay bar that he hadn't been into for awhile if he was honest. His legs were shaking with anticipation and anxiousness, and it seemed to take forever to reach the top step. He hesitated for a moment, unsure, before determination settled in. He straightened up, rolling his shoulders, and firmly pushed the door open, stepping into the warmth of Woody's.

He took one step forward, stepping into the light, and came to an abrupt halt. With his eyes wide and (he was almost certain) his mouth open, he gazed around the dimly lit bar shocked into silence.

As it was expected of a Saturday night, Woody's was packed with people. The soft nattering of voices circulated the room, and Justin couldn't help smiling slightly at the contented happy faces, but that wasn't what shocked him. Standing in the centre of the room, seeming to be separate from the rest of the people, were the gang he had been introduced into just over a year ago. They were all there, Debbie, Michael, Emmett, Ted, Melanie, Lindsey, even Vic, who he hadn't seen in Woody's for awhile, and Gus, who was much to young to have been brought into the gay bar. It was Debbie that first saw him.

"Sunshine!" she shouted her greeting, a huge smile on her face, as she brought Justin into one of her legendary bone-crushing hugs. Justin laughed slightly and returned the embrace.

"Justin, how have you been?" Lindsey smiled softly at him, handing Gus over to the artist when the toddler leant out of her arms excitedly, happy to see his blond friend.

Justin took Gus from his mother's arms and settled him on his hip, blowing a raspberry on his cheek causing the boy squeal delighted. He grinned down at him, before turning his attention back to the blond woman. "I've been good, thanks. What are you guys doing here?"

"Waiting for you sweetie," Emmett answered, giving his friend a one-armed hug.

Justin gave him a confused look, his smile only faltering slightly. "Um, okay...why?"

"Brian asked us to," Michael supplied.

Involuntarily, his expression brightened. "Brian?" he repeated, glancing around them expectantly, "Where is he anyway?"

"Getting ready probably." Vic suggested.

"Getting ready? Ready for what?"

Debbie and Vic shared a knowingly look, but remained silent.

"Don't take it personally, they've been doing that since we got here," Ted assured Justin with a small smile.

"Dada!" Gus cheered joyously.

Justin followed Gus' eye line instantly, and watched almost breathlessly as Brian walked towards them, a cocky smirk on his face and his hands crossed behind his back. His gaze was intense and their eyes locked. He didn't even notice that Brian was standing in front of him until he could smell him – that expensive aftershave for the 'Label Queen', he would recognise it anywhere.

Brian pressed a kiss to his son's forehead and muttered "hello Sonny Boy," before he turned his attention back to the young blond. He was gorgeous, nothing much changing there, and was staring at him with those blue eyes. He'd missed them; missed seeing how expressive they were. Although Justin loved to talk, he really didn't need to – his eyes just said it all for him, and so much more. Right now, they were showing his apprehension, his wonder, and – at least he hoped – his love.

"I'm glad you came," Brian told him quietly, "I have something to show you..."

"I knew it was you," Justin stated almost with glee, "Those bears..."

Brian shushed him. "Oh yeah, I almost forgot." He seemed to hesitate for a moment, glancing at their strange family who were watching him expectantly, before he uncrossed his arms from behind him and held out another bear in an almost shy fashion. Justin carefully accepted the bear with his free hand and, as he had with all the others, ran his hands through the blue fur lovingly.

Gus raised one hand and patted the fur awkwardly. His eyes lit up. "Sof'!"

Justin gave the toddler a small smile and hummed in agreement. "Yeah...it's very soft..."

He scanned the toy slowly, taking it all in, pausing only when he landed onto what the bear's paws were sown to. It seemed, on the fourth bear, the design had reverted back to a velvet heart. His breath caught as he read the words that had been delicately embroidered on the front of the fabric. His eyes snapped up to look Brian in the eye. The man's expression was neutral, not giving away what he was feeling although Justin was almost certain the man was in emotional turmoil inside. He knew Brian well enough that he didn't like speaking about his feelings, didn't like feeling out of control. He opened his mouth to speak.

Once again, Brian shushed him. "Don't say anything. Not yet. I have one last thing to show you."

Grasping Justin's hand, he led him (and Gus by default) through the crowd that parted, all turning to look at them with interest, to the front of the stage. The gang followed swiftly behind. He gave him a quick smile before he released his hand and climbed up onto the stage. A white spotlight fell on him and the room went silent, waiting. Brian glanced around the room for a moment before finally leaving his gaze on Justin, who was just staring up at him with wide-eyed wonderment.

He cleared his throat. "I don't do this often, and if anyone of you mentions this again after tonight, I may have to fucking kill you all...Recently, I lost someone I care about – someone I care about a lot actually – because I didn't tell them I cared. I let them go, thought it would be for the best, but I can't carry on without him anymore. Justin, I'm not ready to say that yet, but I hope this would be enough for you."

He glanced upward and nodded.

Music filled the bar. Brian closed his eyes, breathed deeply, before he began to sing so beautifully. Justin just stared up at him, breathless and awed. His heart pounded loudly in his chest as he allowed the words, and their meanings, to sink in.

You're a diamond; how I found you I still don't know.
But now I got you and I'll never let you go.
If your hearts a pocket looking for some change.
My heart makes lots of sense
Just stay quiet, Breathe deep, Breathe out, Breathe slow.
Don't say a word.
Let our eyes speak and they will tell you…

I'm a fool with dreams, and not a lot of things.
I swear that I will be all you need.
Don't give up on me.
Give me one more day.
Don't give this all away.
We'll be fine, you'll see.
Just don't give up on me.

I'd be lying if I said that I'm not terrified.
How the hell can I do as they say, and take this all in stride?
Does this come with an instruction book?
If so I need to have a look.
Just stay quiet, breathe deep, Breathe out, Breathe slow.
Don't say a word.
Let our eyes speak and they will tell you…

I know you're scared inside, but baby so am I.
It gets so hard to hide.
I'm not going no where.
I'm not going no where.

I'm a fool with dreams, and not a lot of things.
I swear that I will be all you need.
Don't give up on me.
Give me one more day.
Don't give this all away.
We'll be fine, you'll see.
You'll see, you'll see…

Don't give up.

The music faded out slowly, leaving Justin blinking back tears of happiness. Everything was numbed for a moment; he couldn't even hear the claps and cheers of the impressed audience. He couldn't believe what Brian had done for him, put his reputation on the line and announced his feelings to a room of queers. He may not have come out and said it straight, but he had made sure that Justin knew exactly how he felt, leaving no doubt like there was before. He could think of no better romantic gesture at that moment in time; it was just perfect.

"Dada sings good," Gus commented in his broken childish English, his voice showing his wonderment at the revelation. Silently, he decided he was going to ask his Dada to sing to him when he goes to bed.

Justin just nodded, too dazed to form coherent sentences, and tightened his grip on the toddler. His eyes followed Brian's every move as the man stepped off stage, seeming to ignore the people around him, and gracefully sauntered towards him. His expression was guarded, not giving anything away, but his eyes were clear, showing his hopefulness and fear of rejection.

He gave Brian a grin, releasing a shaky breath, and raised his hand to push the hair – that had stuck to his forehead under the stage lights – backward.

"…Sunshine?" he tested almost shyly.

His hand slipped to the base of his neck and Justin used it to pull Brian into a kiss. It was forceful, kind of uncoordinated when their teeth clinked together but passionate, maybe just a little needy and desperate. Brian sighed, a mixture of contentment and relief. It had seemed like years since he had last tasted those rosy lips. He hadn't realised how much he missed them. Justin clenched his eyes shut and tried to convey everything he was feeling, all the happiness and regret and love, into that one kiss. He hoped it worked. It would have lasted longer if Gus hadn't decided he wanted to join in and, rather happily, shoved his hand into the embrace. Brian spluttered surprised and Justin chuckled, turning to press a kiss to Gus' cheek.

"I guess he was feeling left out," Justin suggested amused. He sobered quickly, his gaze becoming intense. Quickly, he angled his head to press a chaste kiss to his lips.

"That's the sweetest thing anyone's ever done for me," he commented, "I didn't know you could sing…"

Brian scratched the back of his neck. "Yeah, well, I don't do it often…"

"You should," Justin told him firmly, "It was beautiful, sounded amazing."

"Thank you…"

Tactfully, Melanie gently removed Gus from Justin's hold. He sent her a quick thank you look before he stepped closer to the older man, so their feet were nudging each other awkwardly, and wrapped his arms around his neck. Instinctively, Brian rested his hands on his hips.

"I love you…I love you so much," he whispered, his voice gruff with emotion, "You don't need to say it, because this…this said it all…"

"Does that mean…no more fiddler?"

Justin laughed. "Yes, no more fiddler."

"Good, because I'm not sharing you anymore Sunshine."

Justin hummed, biting his bottom lip. His eyes darted between his eyes and the temptation of his lips. "I wouldn't have it any other way."