Part 1- Lying.
He lies all of the time. He lies to Mello. He lies to me. He lies to himself.
He lies awake in bed each night and as I sit outside the door and wait for him to fall asleep I hear him scream into his pillow. I hear him ask himself why he does what he does.
He's always lying; the moment he opens his mouth. He can't help it. It is his natural reaction to fear. He fears the responsibility he may encounter if he tells the truth. He fears the reaction of his friends. He fears having to face the truth, and so, to escape these situations, he lies.
And so I tell him. He looks shocked. He is now forced to face the truth. His automatic reaction is yet another lie. I tell him not to be afraid. I tell him he can always confide the truth in me. I tell him the truth. I tell him I love him.
That night, the truth came out. Instead, he lay in bed, my small arms wrapped around his waist, one hand tracing intricate patterns on his back, the other wound tightly in the hair at the base of his neck. Now, there is no need to lie, except in the arms of the one you love.
Part 2 – Stealing.
He has been gone for too long. His mission was simple, convince Mello that he is not on my side.
I turn on the 6pm news.
A car has been stolen in downtown LA.
A gun shop robbery took place earlier today.
The descriptions given are of the same man.
The police are calling him a redheaded tyrant working alongside the mafia.
One thing I told him was to keep away from trouble. Avoid it at all costs.
Perhaps it isn't the ultimate sin, yet it is a sin none the less, much like everything else he has ever done.
I wake the next morning and my head is pounding. Has he been caught? Will he do time? What if his true name gets revealed?
He hasn't been caught and I know he's going to do a lot worse in time. It's all part of the plan. The plan to catch Kira that can only swing in one of two ways. The first, the way I hope to god it will go and the second, the way my life ends, the way he dies, the way that means the new world is here.
I walk into a room filled with computers.
"It's happening," he says.
He's done it. He's stolen Mello away from bad company and the plan is going ahead as planned. This is the true test of his real abilities.
Part 3 – Cheating
He's doing it again. He's searching for things that will make his newest games even easier to complete. He manages to cheat at everything. Tests, games, love. The one thing he could not cheat was the one thing I hoped he would find a way to manage. I hoped he could cheat death, but alas, a reaper is someone who cannot be evaded.
Part 4 - Drinking
Here's to Matt, the one who never made it. Here's to his life and all that he stood for. Here's to Mello, the real hero in it all. And here's to the times we spent together, laughing, joking, smiling and fighting. Here's to the real heroes, fighting wars behind the scenes. Here's to liberty, the freedom to obey the commands and ignore the truth. Here's to the moments that make you laugh. Here's to the moments that make you smile. Here's to the moments that truly take your breath away. With each toast you all drink but do you see the meaning of the words before you?
If you must drink, drink in the moments that last forever, drink in the moments that make your heart skip a beat and drink in the moments that will live with you, long after the subject has died.
For the moments that mean something to people should not be the moments that you think about when trying to reminisce, they should be the moments that come as spontaneously as the changing winds. They are the moments worth savouring in life. They are the moments that I lived for. They are the moments that are, like you, no longer possible.
Like the time when you chose to sit in the common room with me, in front of the fire on a rare warm day. I remember asking you why you stayed.
"I dunno, I figured you'd be here too," you said. You were no good with the heat and you passed out within a few seconds. I lay you on the sofa and put my head on the cushion near your waist and when I woke up, you were twirling my hair and just staring at me.
"Thank you," you said, smiling slightly before leaning down and planting a soft, almost shy kiss on top of my head.
I was glad you couldn't see my face. The smile that had spread across my face when you kissed me was unreal.
I remember the moment you broke my heart. I wanted to see you, so I made my way to your bedroom, only to be shocked into silence and backing out of the room. The sight would stay with me until I saw you die.
Mello had pushed you against the wall, you let out an excited moan as you wrapped your hand in his hair, pulling closer, pulling him into you. As he kissed and bit his way down your neck, you threw your head back to allow him more access. That was when I knew I could never have you, you were never mine and I would never be anything more than a secret friend.
I remember before the Kira case, when becoming L wasn't such a big deal. I remember Mello actually being nice to the smaller children, being nice to me.
He would sit in the common room, a book in his hands on subjects like astrophysics and cosmetology. You would sat on the floor near his feet playing a game, Final Fantasy or Vexx usually. I would sit opposite you and take out a pack of cards and build a house of cards or a city, if we had time. Neither of you mind that I am sat there with you. Mello doesn't yell at me and you don't sigh and wish that you could do something to stop him from shouting at me. I never saw the anguish of being split between two people before the Kira case. Ranks never really meant much back then.
When Mello left you, you changed. When I left, I knew it wouldn't be long before you tried to find one of us.
I try to imagine what would have happened if you had found me first, I try to hope that you looked for me too. I know it isn't true. And as I send Halle out to retrieve your body, I hope the cameras will leave you.
You are carried in and laid on a cold metal table. For one last time I take your goggles from over your eyes and drop them around your neck; I plant a gentle kiss on your now cold lips. I pull the sheet up over you head and bid you goodbye for the final time.