Warning/s: possible OOC; angst?
SLEEPING TO DREAM: NIGHTMARES – August 10, 2013
Sleeping was meant to rejuvenate and rest our restless beings. It was meant to be physically relaxing and mentally comforting. It wasn't meant to further worsen such feelings of insecurities, remorse, and most of all, fear.
Eren had never really liked sleeping. He would close his eyes and enjoy a moment of tranquility but never would he let the mother-like arms of sleep fully embrace him in his weakened state. He would lie in the comfort of his soft mattress and bathe in the pleasant smell of his newly replaced sheets but never would he let his guard down for sleep is a treacherous thing.
It would have been relaxing if not for the yawn threatening to spill from his tightly pressed lips. A yawn meant he was tired and a yawn meant he would give in to sleep sooner or later that night. He begrudgingly sighed. He knew he would be losing a part of himself again as the clock ticks away what little time he had. He knew that there was really no getting used to it.
Sleep is a treacherous thing. It's not just a simple vast of darkness surrounding you. It's not just about shutting down your consciousness as your body works to recharge the energy you lost. It's about what lies far deeper in the darkness – the dreams and nightmares waiting within your supposed peaceful slumber.
Dreams never came to Eren no matter how much he wished for it or think about it before he sleeps. And just when Eren would show a dejected look on his face, his nightmares would always mockingly laugh at him as if it was pointless from the start.
Nightmares were there from the start. It feeds on negative feelings and hideous memories. Eren had all sorts of fear and insecurities and it was worsened through the course of him discovering the harsh reality that surrounded him. And nightmares know how the work is done.
Every night, it was a different scene but always the same thing – the things Eren hated the most, the things he regretted the most, and the things he feared the most. From past to present, his nightmares had done a good job of nitpicking through his jumbled memories.
"You are a monster."
"A threat to all mankind!"
Eren had merely snorted to the sickening voices echoing inside his head. He was tired, very tired. Or rather, he was used to it. He didn't really expected a warm welcome to his stead.
"You had let your comrades die. All because of your incompetence! All because of your weakness! You worthless piece of trash!"
That one had hit Eren hard. That was one of the things he still regretted and even thought of until this time. If only he had made the right decision. If only he was strong enough. If only he wasn't weak. It could have made a huge difference. He could have died but it was far better than living outside but slowly dying inside. At least he would die as a dignified soldier. At least he wouldn't die as an empty shell of a human being he is starting to become.
Then there was a sickening roar. He knew that memory all too well. Far better than what his nightmares could even bare.
"No… no… No!" A memory flashed through Carla's mind. They were seated around a table, the four of them, and they looked so happy, so care-free, so peaceful. And then the thought of dying, leaving those three precious persons behind, crossed her mind and she hesitated.
"Ah… don't… don't leave me…" She bit back a sob.
If she died, she would never see those faces again nor feel their warmth in her hands. If she died, she would never see how her children would grow old into fine, respectable citizens. If she died, she could never comfort her children and lull them into sleep, saying this was all just a bad dream.
If she died, Eren and Mikasa would suffer and blame themselves and that is what frightened her the most and made her hesitate in the last seconds of her life.
But it was too late.
"You couldn't save your mom because you weren't strong enough to do so." The words of Hannes repeatedly echoing in his ears, heartlessly gnawing into an open wound. He knew that far too well. He doesn't need someone to reprimand him. He doesn't need someone to say the words he already knew.
He screamed – a howl of grief, pain, and regret spreading into the thick air. And just like that, he jolted awake, panting heavily as he let himself seek comfort in the coldness and stillness of his room. Beads of sweat were starting to fall down from his face and he paid no attention to it. Eren simply looked at his entangled sheets as he eased out his breathing.
But then, a familiar scent wafted through his nostrils. He could no longer contain the heavy burden resting in his heart. He cried. He silently mourned as he hugged his sheets and smelled that nostalgic whiff of a warm home. It was the smell of a woman who gave life to him. It was the smell that he had always loved and cherished.
The pain he felt right now couldn't even compare to the pain he felt when he almost died while saving a dear friend. And now that Eren thought about it, he almost gave up his life for a friend but not for a mother who gave him all the perfections in the world.
And Hannes' words once again rang through his entire being. It made him feel so worthless and pathetic. He felt so sorry for being a powerless child. He felt so sorry for not being able to do something at that time. He felt so sorry and so useless that he felt oblige to apologize for his own existence.
He wished his mother would just throw profanities at him and blame him for everything but she didn't. She never did. And that made Eren feel much worse, much worse than him watching that scene over and over again in an attempt to drown him in a whirlpool of negative emotions.
He felt so emotionally drained that he could no longer tell if he was slowly becoming apathetic because everything had seemed so far away. Even that tragic memory resting in his head, ready to play whenever he felt even a small ounce of guilt.
"Peace, freedom, happiness… did those things really existed?" Eren had a blank look on his face. And he had bitterly laughed. Maybe it was just him playing with wishful thinking.
"I could no longer comprehend if this is reality or if this is just a part of my nightmare." He covered his face and silently cried.
"Because if so, can someone, please…" And his voice illuminated it all – he was tired, drained, and jaded. He sounded so fragile like a glass free-falling into the space, slowly meeting its end.
"…save me before I collide into the cold hard ground." He wished into the air as his eyes slowly lose its enthusiastic glow in it.
A/N: Can someone just shoot me pls idk what this is. *sarcastically laughs into the midnight sky* I wasn't planning to have this as multi-chaptered. Definitely not. I'm an author of oneshots okay. But then this sh*tty fic suddenly turned longer than expected. I mean not "longer" as in ++++chapters. Maybe one more chapter. Because dude IDK this is just a random thought okay.
So I better shut up because it's 4AM here and I have an 8AM class and I didn't sleep... well who's going down now? Hahahaha-ha-ha-ha /ugly sobbing