A/N: Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters involved in the story, nor do I have any ownership over the mentioned SVU content. I'd also like to clarify that the whole story happens right after 9x19, so it does include spoilers of this very episode.
This is my first real published fic, and it's very dear to my heart, so I hope you guys enjoy it. Feedback is always very welcomed!

Chapter 1

Olivia rang the door bell for the third time before sighing and wiping an inexistent drop of sweat from her forehead. Coming here was a big mistake, she decided. She slowly turned away from the door, internally trying to convince herself that she wasn't buying more time so that the door could be answered, but rather thinking it was late and she couldn't wake the whole neighborhood with the sound of her stomping boots. When she reached the first step the key turning sound froze her where she stood and before she could rationalize or stop herself her whole body twirled on her feet just in time to see the languid figure standing by the semi opened door.

"Olivia", she said, surprise not hidden in her tone, "Is everything okay? Did something happen?" her green eyes scanned the detective, observing carefully.

"Oh, no, no. Nothing happened". Olivia paced towards the door, hands in pockets and words she had thought of over and over so many hours ago lost somewhere in the time between when she got there and when the other woman's husky voice filled the silent midnight air.

"I'm glad nothing happened. I got worried when I saw you. You don't usually pay me late night visits". Olivia wasn't sure if her tone indicated a hint of bitterness or if it was just being matter-of-factly, she chose to read it the first way.

"I just wanted to check on you, Casey. Know how you are. After everything that's happened..." her voice died along with her line of thought. Olivia Benson had no idea what else to say and she just wished from inside her core that Casey Novak just invited her in and put her out of her misery of standing in the middle of the hallway and not knowing what to do or say. This was not a conversation for standing up, the detective affirmed to herself, but then again, it was probably neither a conversation for that time, specially considering the fact she appeared uninvited and had never been there previously.

"That's very nice of you, Olivia". If she noticed the other woman's awkwardness and loss of words she didn't let it show at all, but it was only logical that she was supposed to be able to conceal any reaction she wanted, after all, she was an ADA and concealing her emotions was part of her job. Casey closed the door and opened it again, now wide open and without the safety lock. She didn't say anything, just slowly moved aside and stared at a paralyzed Olivia, who then finally understood the indication and got inside the apartment with quick but soft steps.

Casey closed the door behind them as Olivia's eyes analyzed the room before her, thinking it managed to combine organization with messiness all at once. A few of the walls of the extended living room (twice the size of Olivia's living room, she noted) were taken by tall, large dark oak shelves, mostly filled with books of different kinds; on the lower spaces, by the television, there were a few souvenirs from different countries and miniatures of sculptures like the venus de milo; along this same line were a few photographs, about one fourth of them were landscapes, the other fourth were pictures of a smiling Casey standing in front of various beautiful places - nature was a very regular pattern in them, another fourth was divided between what seemed to be her with family members and childhood pictures, the last fourth had their frames faced down and a very thin layer of dust on top of them indicated they had been put down a while ago. Her sofa was shaped like an U and could accommodate about seven people, but in the present moment it accommodated one of the many stashes of paper that took over the entire living room, along with a diversity of law books and magazines, scattered across the floor, the small square dining table and even the balcony which divided that room from the kitchen.

"Please, sit down. I can clear up a place for you to sit here" she said, moving a stash of paper from the sofa.

"Oh, you don't have to go to the trouble, really". Olivia replied.

"It's okay, they needed to be moved sometime soon. Falling asleep on top of them was ruining my back anyway". Casey said in a mocking tone, her face congealed in a sad expression.

"So at least let me help". Olivia was lifting a bigger pile of paper even before Casey could debate over it. The ADA watched as Olivia carried pile after pile. She was agile, strong, but still elegant and graceful. Casey's sea green eyes followed the motions of Olivia's hips as if they were tidal waves, and she could feel them crashing in the fastened beats of her heart, that now also banged on her eardrums, taking her aback and making her need to hold onto the couch for safety.

"Are you feeling well?", she said, after leaving the last pile on a corner.

"I'm okay. Let's just... sit down".

She had ruled out her feelings for Olivia Benson as mere admiration and decided to not think about any possibility anymore a long time ago, despite the obvious body reactions she still experienced whenever she had gotten closer to the detective. But having Olivia here, in her house, changed everything. Specially after that paper judge Donnelly had given her. That had changed everything, even though she wasn't ready to admit or accept that yet.

"So...", she paused and cleared her throat as quietly as she could, "How have you been holding up? The captain didn't really explain to us what happened, but we had an idea".

"It is what you're thinking", Casey gave an off place laugher and Olivia noticed her eyes were already filled with tears, "At least I wasn't disbarred", she laughed again, hiding her face on her hands.

"They suspended you?". Olivia now moved closed to her, leaning her body forward and brushing a lock of hair away from her face, placing it behind her ear.

"Yes. They suspended me", she muttered to her hands.

"For how long, Casey?". The detective placed her hand on top of Casey's left hand, and that made her raise her head, wipe a few tears away and stare deep into the caring brown eyes that were aimed at her.

"Three years", her tone was more questioning than certain, and for a minute she thought she would break down right there, with those wonderful eyes staring at her, watching her crumble bit by bit.

Olivia didn't know what to say. She knew she couldn't tell the woman it was a short time, or that it would go by fast, because it wouldn't. But neither could she make more of a tragedy of it by emphasizing how lengthy the suspension was. In any other situation she would know what to do, if this was a victim she would know exactly what to say, and she never thought she would feel this lost and anxious because it was Casey Novak standing there, suffering in front of her. It was true that Casey had had an effect on her that Olivia herself didn't know how to describe or explain, or worse, what it meant. Or maybe she knew what it meant but didn't dare going into that place in her mind where the answer stood. All she knew for certain was that when she was with Casey, when she thought about her, she completely forgot about Elliot - sometimes it was as if he never had taken that weird, uncomfortable place in her mind and heart, and not only that but her heart beated faster than with Elliot, her body had a greater pull than with him, and when the three of them were together she just wish he didn't see her like she did. Olivia Benson was not the greatest of liars, even though her job required a whole lot of it, but she was certainly a master in the art of lying to herself, mostly lying by omission. She never stopped to actually think about her feelings about Elliot, or Casey - or even Alex, by that matter. Maybe if she had allowed herself to think she would understand why now, when Casey needed her the most, she couldn't find a single word of comfort to tell her. Maybe she would understand what drove her to not utter a word and simply hold Casey Novak closer, wrapping her arms around the curvy figure covered only by thin pajamas and making the space between them inexistent, unbreathable. Olivia didn't want to breathe in anything else but her now.