Hiccups
By ImInDenial
Summary: When Yuna gets the hiccups, what are they gonna do? I mean, they're not going away and she really can't go to Zanarkand with hiccups, really? So Rikku comes to save the day, with some original Al-Bhed cures. A good thing? I think not.
Disclaimer: I don't own Final Fantasy X or its characters, believe me, If I owned them, the games would be seriously retarded, 'Cause I wouldn't have anything else to do!
This has absolutely nothing to do with the story, it doesn't follow the dialogue either so there! Think of it as if, Sin doesn't come for like a trillion hours! You'll understand why Sin can't come for a while in a sec. (Starts laughing, maniacally)
The translation for the single Al-Bhed usage in here, is at the bottom
"Is everyone ready? Good. Now, I say its high time we found a way out!" Tidus declared as he sat with the rest of the guardians round the dying fire Lulu had made on one of the chipped rocks. Down here. At the bottom of Lake Macalania.
"Hic."
The rest didn't hear, they were listening to the chorus coming from above them. Even under the thick ice, the hymn of the Fayth floated down to them. It soothed the minds of them all. Even the minds riddled with worry over the sins they had committed.
"Hey Lulu, What is it that the Fayth is actually singing?" Lulu turned to the young man. She was beginning to believe his tale of Zanarkand.
"If you listen, the Fayth will sing to you. That is how the Fayth calms the stormy seas of the mind. The Fayth makes you feel special. The Fayth sings to you, and only you. Even if you commit the harshest of sins, the Fayth forgives. The Fayth sings to all who are willing to listen"
"Hic"
Tidus closed his eyes and listened for the song of temple Macalania, and its six words.
"Ieyui. Nobomenu"
"Hic" Rikku, who hadn't really been listening to the song, turned to Yuna, and her blossoming hiccups.
"Yunie, do you have hiccups?" She opened her mouth to reply, only to inconveniently let out "Hic" At that moment. "I'll take that as a yes."
"Renmiri"
"Tidus, halt in your tracks, Yunie here, has got hiccups"
Instead of a cheery reply from Tidus, she got a deadpan reply from Auron.
"We haven't got much time. We leave to find a way out now."
Both thief and young Summoner wearily stood up, and for the next few hours, spent all their time trying to find a way out of this icy pit.
They tried many ways: climbing (Which only Kimahri was relatively good at) and also balancing a plank over a rock, standing an unfortunate Tidus on one end and getting Kimahri to jump on the other end. Not a good idea. So after hours of bone-breaking (literally) practical activity. They sat down around the now blazing (Courtesy of Lulu) fire and started thinking.
"Hic"
"Yunie, your hiccups still haven't gone away?"
"No, sorry, please pardon them"
"But that means you've had them for over three hours now!"
"Hic, Yes, it is getting bothersome"
Wakka came and joined the conversation, giving him what they didn't want to hear. "Ya know, I heard, that if you have hiccups for a day, then you can die, ya? So you better get rid of them. Be for the best, ya?"
"Thanks Wakka, we really wanted to know that. Now we gotta find a way for us to get rid of these hiccups. What if what Wakka said is true?"
Tidus, who had been listening from the start, jumped over the debris separating them to behind Yuna, and stood her up. Ignoring the looks he was getting from the others, he wrapped his arms round her waist and pulled sharply upwards to her breast bone.
Yuna exhaled sharply, turned around and slapped him across the face.
"Tidus! What do you think your doing?"
"I was trying to get rid of your hiccups, Yuna. Don't you want them to go or something?" Her face softened at his shocked face, clearly he was only trying to do his best. "Its okay Tidus, Hic, you only did what you thought was right, and I'm grateful" This cheered him up until Lulu brought him crashing back down.
"But, perhaps his best isn't enough. I believe the heimlich manoeuvre is used for those who are choking, not those who are suffering from hiccups. Maybe it is best if you don't help anymore."
His face fell.
Meanwhile, Rikku was in deep thought. Over the years of her life, she had been subject many illnesses. Colds, flu, you name it, Rikku's had it. So for now, she was racking her brain, for something, anything that could cure hiccups. She didn't think there was much point in casting Cure or a spell of that sort. White magic worked on injuries and diseases that had the possibility of causing permanent damage to the human body.
When she had had hiccups herself, (Thanking her lucky stars that she hadn't had that many cases, or noone had found out at the time) Her folks had used a series of Al-Bhed folk remedies, and only a few worked. Well, If you knew at least one of them worked? Why not try them all until you find the right one?
Logical thinking. Rikku, winner of the logical award at the next Bevellian Awards Ceremony. Wait, screw that,
'If its got anything to do with Bevelle, count me out'
But anyway, where was she? Oh right, Al-Bhed remedies. At this moment, Wakka, Lulu and Yuna were discussing the causes of hiccups. Well, Yuna and Lulu were. Wakka was just staring, trying to act like he knew what he was doing.
"Lulu, hic, aren't hiccups caused by something convulsing?"
"Yes, I believe that it is spasms in the diaphragm" Now for Wakka this would be the time to make a comment that would make him look 'smart' but really in the end, would backfire on him.
"Where's the diaphragm, ya? Below the lungs?"
The girls, and the rest of the travellers stared at him in disbelief. Wakka actually knew something relevant to their conversation.
"Yes," This time it was Auron's rasping voice that broke the silence. "So we gotta do this then, ya?" Wakka turned to Yuna, who swore she could see a hint of psychopathic glee in his eyes. "Wakka, hic, think about this-Oof!"
"Hey Yuna, guess what? I think I know some stuff to get rid of your...Oh"
"WAKKA! That's the solar plexus!"
"Well, Tidus, in case you hadn't noticed, using the heimlich manoeuvre didn't exactly work, ya?"
"...Whatever. But the point is you hit the solar plexus!"
"Tidus, you don't even know what the solar plexus is"
"Do too Auron! Its the...eh...umm..Fine! I don't know! If your so clever, YOU tell me what it is!"
"A vital point on the human body" Lulu stated calmly, successfully silencing the entire group.
"Hey Yuna, guess what? I think I know some stuff to get rid of your...Oh"
Rikku stopped her little victory speech as she saw the scene before her.
Yuna was gasping as her breath had been knocked straight out of her. Tidus couldn't decide who to glare at more, Wakka or Auron and was glancing back and forth between them, glaring. Wakka had his arms crossed and had stubbornly turned his head away. Lulu looked like...Lulu. Same with Kimahri, and Auron, was doing a damn good job at ignoring Tidus' death glare.
"Please Rikku, hic, continue" She looked at her guardians for a moment and then centred her attention on Rikku. "Well" She started hesitantly. "I thought, ya know, that maybe we could try some of the Al-Bhed folk remedies that we have for hiccups, they've worked before"
"Well, I'm not having anything to do with Al-Bhed heathen stuff, ya?"
"Ssh, Wakka, this is not the time for that, put your beliefs to one side for now, and concentrate on curing Yuna's hiccups" Lulu glanced at Rikku, allowing a small smile to grace her lips, if only for a second. "So Rikku, how do we go about these hiccups?"
Rikku shifted her weight to the other foot. "Um, well you see. I know of lots of hiccup remedies, I just can't seem to remember which one is the right one."
If these characters were anime, they would've fallen long ago.
"But I know that more than one of these remedies work, so we just have to experiment"
"Well then Rikku" She found the fact that Auron said this surprising, the guy like, never talks. "We need to move quickly. Word of Maester Seymour's death will reach Bevelle soon. There is no time to waste, and since you seem to know what your doing, and I hope you do, what is first?"
"Wow, Auron, that's first time I've heard you speak more than ten syllables in one sentence in the years I've known you"
"Shut up Tidus, ya?"
"Okay people, we have to work together, ya know? First on Rikku's Wonderful List of Hiccup Remedies! Yunie, take my water and drink it upside down!" Which Yuna or 'Yunie' proceeded to do and ended up spilling it all over her kimono. "Yuna, a lady really must be more graceful than you are acting" Some people wonder, even to this day, if Lulu had actually tried to drink water upside down. Noone knows...
Wakka turned to Rikku, giving her his 'evil eye' too bad it didn't intimidate anyone, least of all Rikku "Well, Rikku, that one didn't seem to work, now what, ya?" Give the girl time! Kimahri could almost see the cogs and wheels turning in her head. It was very surprising.
"Hang on, I'm thinking..Ehh, cover her ears and hold her nose, put her feet in boiled water and get her to drink icy water"
Lulu took the time to use her unique (Well, kinda) skill to freeze some precious water, and to boil some more. Rikku covered Yuna's ears and she herself held her nose, as Tidus, trying to be helpful as always came up to them, doing his best not to spill or dirty the water his summoner would bathe her feet in.
"EEEEEhicEEEEEEEEEEEEK!" A piercing scream rang out through the area, cracking some of the floating ice, causing Kimahri and Auron to look up, incase the lake's ice decided to cave in on them all, successfully crushing (No pun intended) their hopes of Zanarkand and vanquishing Sin.
"Tidus! Your supposed to get boiled water, not boiling water, you lunk-head!"
"Geez, I'm sorry, Yuna are you okay?"
"Of course she isn't! She just thrust her feet in boiling water! People! Potion me! Stat! No, NO Tidus! Don't use the potion on me! I meant give it to me so I can use it on poor Yunie's footsies! Thank you very much!"
---- (Where the hell are my page breaks?) ----
This carried on for a few hours. To any onlooker, (who could actually get under the ice) it looked like a bunch of lunatics, torturing their friend in the most pathetic of ways.
"Apply pressure to the eyeballs! Now, pull her tongue and ears out at the same time! Wakka! I'm sure Yunie can do that herself, ya know? What? It didn't work? Then, ooh, drink some carbonated stuff!"
"You talking about fizzy drinks, ya?"
"Exactly, my Pop said something about them some time ago"
"That's all fine and well Rikku, but we don't have carbonated water"
Rikku looked slightly downcast, only for a second though, "Then, maybe use a light thunder spell on some water and make it fizz!"
"That's not going to work"
"Auron! Your such a big meanie! Ruining all my fun!"
"We're not supposed to be having fun"
You can understand why they would think that, can't you?
But of course, to the people themselves, they were only trying to help their summoner, using, what Wakka would call: "Al-Bhed heathen hocus-pocus!" Which he couldn't say often. Wakka doesn't like being hit multiple times...
They had been at it for hours, and Rikku was running out of ideas. "Hey, since putting her feet in boiled water didn't work, lets try putting her hands in, standing her upside down and covering her ears and nose while she tried to drink water!"
Everyone else looked at her like she was mad, for the entire afternoon, they had been doing whatever she had said, (And Rikku was enjoying the power!) and it didn't seem to be doing anything. But since they didn't have any better ideas, they couldn't exactly do anything about it. And started to move slowly towards Yuna, while she quickly backed away.
"One foot bath of boiling water, coming up!"
"That's boiled, Tidus"
"Okay, I'll hold her nose, Sir Auron can cover her ears, Tidus and Lu, can you get the water ready, Kimahri can make sure she doesn't fall over on her hands, ya?"
"But..But...hic.…" Yuna never expected to be thinking that for a period of time that she would want her beloved Guardians away from her. Far away.
"What is it Yunie? We're only trying to help. Okay, well, I'm not quite to sure about Tidus, but the rest of us are!"
"Its just that, hic, I'm wearing a skirt, it'll fall round my head..."
"Nothing that any of use haven't seen before"
"SIR AURON!"
"I'm just stating the truth. Nothing more"
"Woah! My old man did rub off on you! He turned you into a-"
"Dirty old man!" Rikku sang out.
"Yeah" Tidus was quick to agree. "Dirty, dirty, DIRTY, old man!"
"You know that wasn't what I meant. You know what I mean, am I correct Kimahri?" Obviously not fazed by this at all.
"Kimahri always knew Auron's true nature would surface"
"You always made comments like that to me when you visited Bevelle"
'Maybe one of the reasons for me wanting them away for once was this' Thought Yuna
"Okay, hic, stop it, I was actually concerned about my kimono getting wet, and that I wouldn't be able drink, hic, with a skirt round my head, but you went and took it all the wrong way! Why are you all doing this, hic, to me! But you do bring up a valid point. Would someone please hold my skirt up?"
"I will Yuna!"
"No Tidus, you won't, I will"
"Hey no fair Lulu! I wanna hold the skirt up!"
"Tidus even Wakka can see that all you really want to do is look up, or, in this case down her skirt! Its not very nice, ya know?" Yelled Rikku
"Yeah? Well, it's not as bad as Auron's comment!" Yelled Tidus in his defence.
"That is in the past" Stated Auron.
"All right, STOP IT!" Yuna yelled, followed by a nicely timed 'hic' the loudness of her voice shut up everyone easily, rarely did she raise her voice to such a level. Rikku noted that this was the best way to get people to listen, it would prove helpful in the future.
"She started it!"
"I get the picture! Lets just get this over with, Lulu, please, would you help me get onto my hands?"
"Certainly Yuna"
"Guys look away! Girls need privacy! And so that you don't get bored waiting, a quick low down on the weather! Expect highs of 25 degrees in the Bevelle area, and showers through out the day higher up towards the Calm Lands" Rikku reeled off the days weather report as she had heard it outside the temple. Al-Bhed are good at remembering useless stuff like that. Okay, for some people it isn't, but weather kinda doesn't affect you under the ice.
---- (Page break, Page break, where for art thou, Page break?) ----
"Okay, you can look now!"
The men (plus one boy) turned to see the summoner Lady Yuna stumbling around on her hands, with her skirt secured round her ankles by her guardian's pale hands, while the guardian herself tried to steady the summoner unsuccessfully. And fellow guardian Rikku stood at the sides. Laughing.
Kimahri walked over to Lulu, replaced her tiny hands with his large furry paws, and lifted Yuna up and over so she could dunk her hands in the now cold water. Auron knelt in front of her and covered her ears with his calloused hands, and Wakka stood over them all and gently pinched her nose.
Five minuets they stood.
Then another five.
That makes ten minutes of silence, save for the occasional 'hic' reminding them why they were doing this, and making a point that the hiccups hadn't gone. Wakka finally got bored and let go of Yuna's nose and sat down on the nearest piece of debris, spinning his blitzball on his index finger. The others got the idea and Auron uncovered both of the summoner's ears and Kimahri set her gently set her the right way up, causing all the blood that had rushed to her head to drain, entertaining both Tidus and Rikku as they watched an amazing change: Yuna's face turning from beet red to her normal skin colour.
"Any more bright ideas Rikku?"
"They are called remedies you meanie! And um, yeah, one more.."
"Might as well get it out of the way, ya? So what's Al-Bhed hocus-pocus you got now?"
"Cdibet, kuut-vun-hudrehk dnummub!" 1
A slapping noise rebounded off the walls of the cavern repeatedly, as a pride-wounded Wakka cradled his stinging cheek.
"Enough! Wakka! Rikku! Now tell us all what your last idea is?"
Rikku looked at her feet, she thought that the patterns on the rocks where water had ran very intriguing. But she knew the rest wouldn't let her explain to them rock erosion.
"It's kind of a wives tale.." Wakka snorted, and another slap resounded.
"Pass it onto someone else?"
"..."
"Why are you looking at me?" Snapped Lulu, "What about Wakka, he's been infuriating us enough as it is! Or Rikku, who's idea it was in the first place!"
"..."
Silence, until Kimahri's acute hearing picked something up.
"What do you hear Kimahri?" Asked Auron, looking around at the toppled rocks and looking for any fiend movement.
"Nothing. Kimahri hear nothing"
"Well that's no good! I thought you had good hearing! You can tell us if fiends are approaching ya know?"
Lulu tapped her chin. "Or maybe Kimahri's just realised the silence."
Tidus collapsed onto a rock. "Silence? SILENCE? What good does silence do?"
Lulu glared at him through her cold, red eyes. "Allot. But not in the way of fiends. If you listen, what do you hear?"
They sat in silence. But Rikku couldn't stand it. "I can't take it! I can't hear anything!"
"Exactly. What has been the sound that we have heard for hours?"
"People yelling at Tidus?" Asked Rikku.
"I heard that!"
"No, Yuna's hiccups"
"Oh ya..Come to think of it, that must mean that they have gone. Which means that one of her Al-Bhed thingys must have worked! Ya?"
Rikku jumped around in excitement. Then Auron dragged her back to Spira with a 'thud' "That's all very well, but do we know which one of her remedies actually worked?"
"..."
"Hic. Ooh, sorry about that!"
"...Rikku?"
"Yeah Lu? What's up? Get which one is correct? Hic. Ahhh! Oooono I have hiccups! Why is this happening to meeeee! I know! Its those..those big meanies up there" She pointed straight above her head and in classic Rikku style, started flailing her arms around.
"Yes, I think we have.."
"Please Lulu! Help me get rid of them! I don't wanna die!"
"Okay, just calm down Rikku, we can't actually help if your running around incredibly un-lady like manner"
"Yeah, that's all fine saying that we can help her, but which one of the cures actually worked?"
Rikku stopped pulling her hair out and stared at Tidus in disbelief. After all, he had just said something relatively useful.
All of a sudden the five guardians and her summoner started to advance towards her, and she swore she could see a glint of evil in their eyes, and a smirk cross Lulu and Auron's faces.
"Well, we'll just have to try everything we tried on Yuna, on Rikku, won't we Lulu?"
"Yes Auron, what came first?"
"Use the heimlich manoeuvre first, and hit her solar plexus"
Rikku backed up against the icy wall. Petrified, as the guardians advanced on her, closer and closer.
"AIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEE!"
Fin
---- (I miss my page break!) ----
(1) Rikku's saying in Al-Bhed : Stupid, good-for-nothing Yevonite trollop!
Umm, my pathetic attempt at humour. Press the purple button! Go on! You know you wanna!