The Theft of the Bangs
Author's Note: My weird mind made the plot of the Rape of the Lock into a story with the Heroes characters. Another studying-in-a-fun-way type of exercise. Pure crack.
Disclaimer: I do not own Heroes or any works by Alexander Pope.
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Peter was asleep. He was not dreaming as yet. Then he woke up. Pouting, he stamped his foot on the floor and called for his servant girl, Simone. God, the girl could be so slow sometimes.
He decided to go back to sleep and fell into a rather nice dream. A handsome man, who said his name was Nathan, warned that something horrible would happen soon. There was a lot of talk about what exactly Nathan was. Apparently he'd once been a woman but once he'd died and become a Sylph, or a Creature of the Air, he'd chosen the shape of a man. Peter didn't really understand the rest of the dream and, when his dog Caitlin woke him up with her yapping, he immediately forgot it.
Simone helped him get dressed, with the invisible help of Nathan and his army of Sylphs. She combed his hair and had his bangs lying just so over his face. He thought he looked particularly fetching.
Thus he was prepared for his outing to Kirby Plaza. He'd rented a barge and on it brought many of his friends and acquaintances who could admire him from close up (rather than far away, which was what they usually did). Nathan instructed his army of Sylphs to take great care of Peter's appearance, especially his precious bangs.
One of the passengers on the barge was very obsessed with Peter. His name was Sylar. He had already collected at least three pieces of Peter's clothing and, having caught sight of the bangs, wanted them for his collection. So he made an altar to the god of love, Charles Deveaux, and asked for his blessings in this undertaking. Mr Deveaux granted only half of his request as he was wont to do, just to shake things up. He also loved being as cryptic as hell.
The barge finally arrived at Kirby Plaza where Peter commenced a game of cards with two opponents, Isaac and D.L. He was winning, since he was rather good at this game, and had beaten Isaac well and truly when Sylar joined the game. Sylar was also particularly good at the game and was soon giving Peter a run for his money. Peter was having none of it and trounced him in a jiffy. He was particularly proud of his moves.
Thus it was time for coffee and refreshments. Peter was very happy, chatting away with his friends, including the flighty Claire.
Sylar couldn't take his eyes off the bangs. He was becoming rather obsessed with having them in his grasp. Elle, who was quite observant, noticed this and gave him a pair of scissors. He knew exactly what to do with them.
Nathan noticed what was happening and threw everything he had into stopping Sylar's plan from coming to pass but when he looked into Peter's heart his power died and he could do nothing, for Peter actually loved someone other than himself. Go figure.
Sylar was quick and before anyone could do a thing had cut off Peter's bangs. He held them triumphantly in his hands. Peter swooned at the horror of what had just happened.
Nathan was now replaced as Peter's guardian by the gruff invisible man known as Claude. The invisible gnome man, for he was a Gnome, had mischief in his heart and descended to the Cave of Spleen, sometimes known as the branch of Primatech Paper in Odessa, Texas.
He begged audience with the ruler there, Noah Bennet, known for his angsty moans, and asked for the bag of false maladies with which to infect Peter. He tried not to look at Moany Maya and her friend, the Angry Alejandro. They were just a bit too depressing and just some of the not so nice aspects of humanity found in that dreadful place.
Noah looked at him for a moment and then, shrugging dejectedly, handed him the bag. Claude left, his plan almost complete.
Back at Kirby Plaza, Claire was telling Peter that she could no longer be his friend as no one would ever want to know her if she befriended such an ugly bangs-less person as he was. Peter ignored her, trying to concentrate on the despair of losing his precious bangs.
Claire yelled at Sylar, asking him to return the bangs but to no avail. She even appealed to one of her suitors, West, but he was of no use, bumbling and tripping over his every word. She then went back to muttering about how she was going to have to give her friendship with Peter up.
Elle watched this and rolled her eyes. Speaking up, she said that good sense and good humour were far more important than good looks, because good looks are only there for a short time while the former are there for a lifetime. Her good sense (and good humour, because she said this in a rather funny way) were largely ignored.
At about this time Claude returned and spilled his little bag of goodies over Peter, who commenced moaning about the loss of his precious bangs in a loud, shrill voice. He demanded that Sylar return them but again this was only met with a smirk from the aforementioned amorous serial killer.
Peter, along with Claire and some of their friends, then began shooting killing glances at the people who sided with Sylar. These glances were so real that people actually fell down and were almost dead.
In the commotion of battle Sylar lost the bangs. It is very hard to hold onto hair when you are in the midst of a looks-that-almost-kill type of battle.
At this news the battle was halted by the wisdom of Hiro, who said that while Peter himself would fade as a memory his bangs would be put into the stars and their memory would live on.
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...everyone, of course, wasn't listening because they were gaping in astonishment at the sight of Sylar and Peter snogging in the midst of the halted battle, the bangs apparently forgotten. And that is how I would have ended it. But not actually how it ended, sadly.
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